What happened to the meaning of christmas.
 

Hey all, I've often come here if I'm stressed out, or sad and I find myself back here once again alone at home and in need of friends, all my girlfriends are out of the city, so I have no one to talk to, and the bf is supportive but getting tired of me moping.

Well on Christmas day there was a large family dispute which included ALOT of alcohol. My mother is an alcoholic and doesn't realize it, so that made it ALOT worse.

anyone out there care to listen or offer advice. I'm not speaking with my mother right now, I told I was sick of her nonsense (a lot less nicely than that), but a BOX of wine lasts her only 1.5 nights if that, and she's mixing alcohol with medications too. :( I don't know what to do. Now it appears her and my step dad (who is the closest thing I have to a father) are separating.

I tried retail therapy today, but I just got mad in the parking lot. I scored some clothes, but I'm tired of dealing with my Christmas woes with material items, presents, shopping, it just doesn't help. I'm going to cuddle in bed with Harley and hope that eventually I don't feel so frustrated.

Never give up hope, and always look to the future. Your Mom needs special help. You can suggest, etc, but she has to take the first step for treatment. I wish you the best. You are a good person and you deserve to be happy. So feel bad for a bit, and then snap out of it and get on with your life.

I will listen. First I'm so sorry, that Christmas turned out the way it did. Perhaps what might help is to journal your emotions/feelings etc. I do know they have support groups for family members of alcholics called Al Anon.

I think what they might tell you, is first that alcohol abuse is your Mom's problem, not yours. Your problem is your own reaction to your Mom's behaviour, and the effect it has on your life. It is one of the hardest things in the world, to see one you love, go down a self destructive road. To know that despite your efforts, nothing seems to make a difference.

Once again I'm so sorry you are needing to deal with this.

I'm so sorry it wasn't a good holiday for you. If it helps at all, many people do not find the holidays joyful at all, just very stressful and full of those types of interactions. All the pressure and expectation of the season can make it much worse.

Sometimes the best thing about the holidays is how they help you look forward to getting back to work!

Thank you all, its extremely frustrating. I just got over my last dispute with my mom a year ago. it sucks that the old stuff is now getting uncovered again.

I got a hold of one of my girl friends, she just got off work and is coming over later. I hope that makes things a bit better.

{{{{hugs}}}} I'm glad you have a friend coming over to be with you. I wish I could offer some advice.

First of all let me just say I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is so hard I know. I have a sibling that got mixed up in drugs and tore our family apart for a bit. I will say this, Steve is right, She has to be the one to decide to make that first step. You can tell them and tell them. Until they realize they have a problem nothing will work. My sibling had to hit rock bottom before the realization sat in. Now, it is much better. We all talked until we were blue in the face. Once the sibling decided to to through drug rehab, things got so much better. It worked because the sibling decided to do it not us. So, basically it is up to her to make that decision. Also, I would recommend the support group as well. It really does help to see that others understand what you are going through. They are trained to deal with this and can give you much better advice. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through all this. Hugs to you sweetie.

I hope that time with your friend will help. You also will need to make some choises for YOU. You can not fix your mom (I grew up in a house with a mother that was very mentally ill with no meds),you can however make some choises for you. Retail theropy is ok,but as you have figured out,it is very temporary. There are other things to choose from that have helped me (the gym,singing). I currently take dance lessons where I get to work on me and I get to visit with some of the other girls. My class ranges in age from 54 to 18.

As sad as it is,you may need to distance yourself from your mother for a time in order to protect yourself.

A friend once told me that joy does not just fall in your lap,you must seek it. Sometimes giving joy to others (random acts of kindness) blesses you more.

I will keep you in my thoughts. May you find joy and be able to built your own life that brings you fullfillment and purpose.

Thanks, yes I need to find myself a hobby (or more like return to them) I do agility; however, with Harley being so sick these last 3 months I haven't taken him nor have I talked to the dog ppl much. Tomorrow we have a holiday dinner with the group, I'm looking forward to it. The vet has almost cleared Harley for mild training, and I paid (more like bartered) some lessons with my trainer in exchange for lobster (:P figured I'd throw that in on a more pleasant note), so that'll most definitely get my mind off things. And today I bought some running gear at lululemon so that I cannot use snow and crappy weather as an excuse to not run. I probably should have went for a run this morning when I felt like crap.

I'm a real people pleaser, and I definitely need to work on that.

Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.

I really believe you need to distance yourself, as someone else suggested. It is upsetting your life and affecting you too much and I think a timeout for yourself is a good idea. That, of course, is your decision. It sounds to me as though she is taking a huge toll on your quality of life and you have your own life to lead and a future that only you can determine. She can't be a part of that future unless you allow it.

Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.[/QUOTE]


Are you being childish,,,NO. But you should not make demands on her. She must come to it. MY mother is the REASON that I own an answering machine and have caller ID. If you have an answering machine or voicemail, listen to the message, if it is a good moment wait about 30min and call back. Enjoy the good conversation and if it begins to turn bad,politely tell your mother that someone else is beeping in on the other line,someone is knocking at your door,the dog needs to go out,you are tryng to finish getting ready to leave the house,,,pick one.
Hopefully she will make the connection.

You're probably going to get a variety of responses on this one. :) Only you can really decide what the right step for you. My advice is to "strike when the iron is cold." Ie, don't stop speaking to someone when you are feeling furious. Cutting off contact is a big step, and you should think about what you want to do carefully. Allow yourself to cool off, and decide whether you want to make it official, or stop talking to her as frequently, or as the PP suggested, talk to her in limited doses.

Well I just discovered I forgot my running shoes at her house. I was going to go for a run tomorrow to calm down, and now I can't (3 hours away). Now my grandmother is calling me and arguing with me. She's taking mom's side. She thinks I need to call her, but I really don't want to speak with her. the cops have been involved already down there and I don't want to hear anybody complaining about it.

I emailed mom's friend and asked her if her husband was coming up any time soon, with any luck he may be coming up and she could volunteer to pick those up.

Is this your maternal grandmother? I'm sure she's got a whole host of separate issues with regard to her daughter.

I'd recommend setting some boundaries there. There's this famous psychiatrist Harriett Lerner (she wrote all the "Dance of... " books, have you heard of those?) who claims that difficult relationships are often managed in triangles. Ie, your grandmother plays the peacemaker between you and your mother, which helps her avoid her own anxiety over the situation.

Maybe you need to let Grandma leave a message as well. I dont mean this in an ugly way. I have had to do this and after everyone cools off it is a bit easier. As for the shoes,maybe there is some other type of exercise you can do until they return or purchase another pair.
I was astranged from my family off and on for many years. Now my house is the place that my family gathers.

Yeah my grandmother is a really tempered person. So she yelled at me last night and tried to make my stepdad sound so evil, and she wasn't even there. I tried to tell her that I had company and didn't want to discuss it, but she kept yelling at me.

I can't ignore my grandmother cause my aunt lives at home still and her and I are very close, I call there several times a day .

I don't know what I'm going to do with mom, I don't want to talk to her, but essentially my grandmother said that if I want the shoes, my christmas money $100 and my next set of child support cheques (dad sends them to maintenance and then they go to mom and she signes them over to me) I need to call her. Those cheques are very important to me, but I know she's just abusing this power to get me to call her.

I'm hoping when I call my aunt today my grandmother drops it. I may just tell her that I'm very busy with school and that I'll call mom on January 1st. If she wishes to talk to me sooner she'll have to call herself and that I'm only going to continue talking so long as she is civil and does not mentioned her and my step dad. (which will never happen) I'm getting tired of getting stuck in the middle of this, and if she expects me to appologize for yelling at her that isn't going to happen. Everything I said was true. I think she owes me an appology considering my bf's mom and matt were there when this happened and both of them spent a lot of money to come to my house for Chirstmas so that neither parent had to be without us for Christmas.

If I understand it correctly,the child support checks are written in your name because you are a minor (under 18). They are for your care and your mother can NOT legally withhold them.
I am sorry that you have family members that are so controling, I have been. I had to make a choise to cut my losses,you may or may not be in a position to do this. I worked very hard and made sure that I never had to ask them for help. The independance in itself allowed me to choose my own path. I also have a very special relationship with my husband,we have always been friends and he has always supported me. His mother as well has always been supportive and helped me where she could.

The cheques go to her and are in her name. I'm actually not a minor any more, the only reason the cheques keep coming is because I'm still in school. But I know he defaulted on those cheques a lot, so they have to go through maintenence. I considered four years ago trying to get it changed to go directly to me, but we'd have to go to court to do that, and I'd lose the guarantee of it going through maintenence, and my father would likely argue he shouldn't be paying it anymore. Because of the wording of their divorce agreement (in my favor) I've left it as it is.

I agree it's a real pain to have such controlling people in your family. My boyfriend has been supportive much like you said your husband is, and his mother has been a huge help to me too, she even gave me a gift a few years ago to put towards my tutition.

If she withholds the cheques, I'm getting along better with my father, I may just ask him if he'd be willing to give me the cash instead, and I'll rip the cheque up when I go get a hold of it. I have until the 15th before it's post date, so maybe I can figure it all out before then.



On the bright side, I'm starting to see the end of my 70% final paper I'm writing. I'm hoping to have it sent to my friend to proof read within the hour. I hope she has time to read it. Then I just need to power through the next assignmnet and I'm finished my feminism course. I informed the prof there was a family emergency, but honestly because it's an online university I'm not sure if she's allowed to give me an extension for it, (cause usually you have to pay for extensions and they need to be submitted 30 days before the end date). we'll see.

No, you're not being childish. Setting firm boundaries is actually very mature of you, and it's something that takes many of us (incl me) years/decades to learn! You can communicate your needs/boundaries in a gentle way too, like "I need to keep a bit more distance right now, bc I'm hurting watching you hurting yourself" -- or whatever...that's just an example. And you *do* have every right to make yourself and your emotions safe.

Your Mom must be in so much pain, and there must be so much pain at the root of things for her to be willing to hurt herself in this way. Sadly, she is the only one who can pull herself into a place of healing. I know you want to be able to do it for her, you love her. But believe me, you can't do it. She has to want it for herself, and be ready to do the work.

All that said, you can still help identify some options for her...but only do this once (you wouldn't want to get into the routine of reminding her and reminding her, bc then you'd again be 'responsible'). You could print off AA meetings in her area, tell her about rehab, ask her to tell her doctor, print off info about depression/self-medicating and alcohol. Ask her what feels "doable" in terms of a first step, and is she willing to take it.

Addicts feel so lonely and SO ashamed and alone...it's hard for them to realize they don't have to be alone at all. People who love them are desperate to support them in getting better. I would highly recommend you check out Al-Anon, maybe see a therapist so that you too can heal.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I so hope your Mom will find that shred of hope inside of her, and grab it for all it's worth :love:.

I called her today, pretty much told her I didn't want to talk about her and stepdad, and expressed my concerns, and told her that I've got a lot of school work so if I don't answer the phone that's why.

I'm hoping she understands why it all upsets me, but I got a lot of hallow "yups" when I mentioned christmas night so I'm not sure if it got through to her.