Need some support
 

I am not sure whats been going on with Dh and I, but we have not been getting a long as we usualy do. He has been working since last Monday, about 19 hours a day. He has his full time day job from 5am to about 4 then he has to go to his night job ( rebuilding a Jack in the box) which he wont get home till 1-2 in the morning.

We got in a fight the other night, we haven't really been talking, or seeing eachother for that matter. He leaves before me in the morning, and I am asleep when he gets home.

This morning we were suppose to go to his Mom's house for a BBQ, he woke me up this morning and was really short with me, he told me if I was going to get up and if I didn't want to go let him know so he can leave... Well he didn't really make me feel like I was wanted so I told him to just go with out me.... :( I haven't talked to him since.

I don't know whats going on with us, I don't know what to do. I feel that we are geting so distant, we are usually at eachothers hips. He had said something when we were fighting that it hurts him bc I dont even wake up to see him when he gets home... First I all I am a hard sleeper!!

Sigh, I dont know. I just want things back how we were, I dont know how to handle this or what to do!

Thoughts? Advise?

First of all, *HUGS!!!!*

Could it be DH is just really stressed out? Working 19 hour days, you guys are buying s house (a happy thing, but I assume it's a smidge stressful as well) and he doesn't get to spend any downtime with his family. (you and Peanut) I would be seriously stressed in that situation. My dad is the kind that gets short with us when he's really stressed/overwhelmed at work. Your DH probably didn't mean what he said. If you get a chance, talk to him. He probably just needs a nice calm relaxing day to unwind and let go.

You will not like my reply...
During the 70's when they had the riots in DC, my husband was a police man..he was working long, hard hours for months...I expected NOTHING from him...and did all I could to make the few free hours he had as pleasant and non-stressful as posssible...

Your husband only has 5 non-working hours per day..what do you want from him?

DvlshAngel985 & YorkieRose- Thanks, you guys are right! I feel like I have not been there to support him as I should be! I feel like such a jerk!

YorkieRose- You know what I DO like your reply!! I think I just needed to hear it, as silly as that sounds. I know I should know what to do, and how to handle this, I have been selfish to him. I know he is stressed and tired and all of the above. Me as his partner should be there for him. You are 100% right!

I have just been annoyed with me being alone, when he is the one getting no sleep, and working hard labor at 2 jobs!!


I think I don't give him enough credit, I mean he works these crazy hours and he never complains about it, so I assume it doesnt phase him. I know he is tired and stressed out, but he doesnt communicate with me very often. I am not saying it gives me an excuse but if he were to tell me how tired he is and how much he misses his family I would see it and hear it..

I need to talk to him when he gets home, I hope he will understand how sorry I am, sometimes I think it takes someone to say something for you to notice something, even if you already should have notcied it :(

All feelings are valid..but I always try to put myself in the other persons place...and sweetie, all I know is...if I worked 19 hrs a day, I would have nothing left to give...
I hope this schedule can end soon...it is not healthy for him in any area of his life.

PS...it will all come back to you in the years to come...my husband treats me like I am the most special person on earth...he would do anything for me...

Marriage is rarely 50/50...it depends on what the person is going through at any given time...some time he may need 100% during a difficult time...but he will be there when you need 100%...

If he was out partying it would be different..but he is working for his family...everyday tell him something positive about him and his hard work...make him feel like a king...and I double dog guarantee you will reap a heap of good things to come....you are laying a solid foundation to last a life time.

That is beautiful sound advice!

:D Thank you so much for the words of wisdom! I will take everything you say to heart. Its hard for me, I have no one to really talk to. I have him, he is my best friend as well. It is hard when something like this comes up and not have anyone to turn to for advise. I am glad to have YT!

I know this schedule is not healthy for him, I worry about that. I believe the job is almost over, I am glad to have heard the kind words you said I have the confidence to help him more, and support him. DH would do anything for me, I need to be more of a supporter for him, esp now when he needs me the most. :D

I am not always good with words, I have never been. I can write on a paper or on the computer but when it comes to talking I am horrible! I will just have to show him in actions. When he gets home I am just going to hug him and tell him I am sorry, then from there start to support him in anything he needs! :D



ps- I am so glad you posted on my thread, You have truly helped me and I want to Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I think my problem is, how he acts towards me. He has been so tired and worn down, he doesnt give me the attention he usually does. I take that to heart. I think maybe I did something to get treated that way but I know he is just worn down. I really need to stop thinking like that!! That is my first step!

I'm sorry you are having problems with your DH. Glad your not in my shoes.
After hubby retired from Army, he went to work over sea's as a contractor for the Government, the money is good. What was supposed to be only two years has now turned into 4 years. With the economy the way it is and has been, we have decided it is best for us that he stay there.
When he does come home on leave, I do everything I can for him and spend as much time as I can. I know how very hard it is on him.
I know not the same situation.

I'm glad you are already seeing things in a new light. It must be really hard for you two with his exhausting work schedule, but hang in there and things will get better (especially if you can be a little extra patient and loving).

You are blessed to have a guy who is willing to work so hard to provide for you, and it appears that you realize that now and are more prepared to give him the appreciation he deserves.

It is a hard thing to deal with, I guess in time I will grow and it will be easier for me to react to certian problems that come up. I know it will never be easy to deal with, but maybe in time I will be more mature to deal with it... If that makes sense.

Thank you, I am blessed. He is an amazing person!!

You are going to be just fine...I wish I could tell you this is the last problem you will have, but we all know life is not like that....but you are married to your best friend and you will get through anything.

The best advise I could ever give young married people is to always, always put the martial relationship first...you start out as two people and end as two people...make sure when the kids are gone and you are old, you have spent all those years in the middle making sure the last of part of your life together will be the best part...

Do something nice for him and tell him how much you love him and appreciate how hard he is working. Don't focus on yourself. Focus on him.:)

YorkieRose- Thank you again! You are a wise woman!!

yorkieusa- I'm going to!! I am going to try to focus more on him, less on me :thumbup:

update
 

Well he got home. I met him at the door with a hug, I told him how sorry I was and how much of a jerk Ive been. He told me that he didnt want to fight, he forgives me and is glad to hear that I realize how Ive been acting.

He is laying down trying to get some sleep, I asked if he needed anything and he told me no, he just wants some sleep!

Thank you guys for opening my eyes, you ladies are very wise. I am so glad I have YT to turn to, when I need it the most!!

I imagine the man is exhausted, his last nerve is frayed and he is stressed to the max due to so much work, the new house, little rest or fun and no expectation of immediate relief. He's spent! A person can only push so hard for so long without getting short-tempered, physically exhaused and begin to not enjoy life very much. When all you do is work , it saps your ability to interact normally with others after a while. Nothing seems to be much fun You begin to have a quick temper and the least thing ignites you like a rocket! (I know from personal experience.) You have NO patience at ALL You start to be very short-tempered and reactionary. And that frays others nerves, they fuss back and/or withdraw some and cuts the fatigued one off from the people they need the most when they need them the most. You really start to feel all alone and stuck in your rut of work and sort of get mad at others who have it a little easier. Try to cut him some slack and see what you can do to make him feel very appreciated and special - set the clock and wake up B4 he gets home for a while, give him back rubs, make his favorite dish, buy him a little man-gift and put it on his pillow. Don't expect him to want to talk much. Expect little from him until he's out of this work marathon and then you will get your guy back. And he won't forget the quiet and special little things you did to try to make this time smoother. I know you love him so go help him through this and one day he will return the favor when you are going through something really touch or hard. God bless you two!

Wow, this makes so much sense now that I think about it. No wonder my dad was such a jerk when I was a kid. Working two full time jobs, trying to raise 3 kids without the mom. I guess we both thought that unless men tell you they are tired or stressed, then they are not huh? I say tell your dh that you understand and that you are there for him. The 2nd job isn't going to last forever right, just temporary?

I used to work a job in healthcare where I was on call night and weekends. Believe it or not, when I would be so tired and I'd come home and husband was sleeping - wanted to wake him up (I know, just call me misery!). You're just so tired and there someone is sleeping - the nerve of someone (haha). I know it sounds stupid or crazy but it's how I felt. I'm sure w 19 hour days, your husband is exhausted and Yorkierose is right, just wants you to empathize with how he feels.

Glad to hear you gave him a hug and talked w him. You are being a great partner to him.

Good job!! Most men are awesome and are actually really easy to please! They just need good food and good lovin'! ;)

There is a book you might like to read...it is called "The proper care and feeding of husbands" it is by Dr. Laura (I love her). It is a great book....and has changed lots of marriages for the better.

Good for you for being open to feedback and change. Your hubby is a lucky man!! :love:

You are so right! All you ladies really hit the spot on this one! He is the best guy I know, he deserves a lady that treats him like a king, esp right now!!

Sounds like your Dad wasn't a jerk, he was just worn down! No this isn't a temporary job, so this hell week will be ending soon!!

I am so glad things are looking up! It is refreshing to see someone taking advice and not getting upset over it :) Personally I am very stubborn so I commend you for the way you have handled it :) I am sure you have fantastic guy and when this job is over things will be back to normal! It's just a little bump in the road, and being able to communicate and get through it will just make your relationship stronger!

:thumbup: one bump at a time...

That is so sweet, and believe me you will reap the rewards many years to come by giving him the special treatment now.

All the gals that ended up with lazy couch-potatoes for husbands envy you.:D

well... what a sweet thread!!
I have been married for 27 1/2 years and I can tell you sometimes your so much in love... and others you cant wait to kill them. That is life, but you have to know the bad times will pass and with work and understanding you will have more good than bad.

My best advice.. never say anything you will regret (like in a fight) you can not take words back once said. try to talk problems out, commutate.. if you don't explain how will they know?!!

This week end dh took me out to dinner at an Indian Restaurant.. he HATES... did I say Hate.. well that is really too tame a word for his feelings toward Indian food.. he did it for me. That was so sweet..

Well, we are round 2 in HELL week :( Pnut and I are sitting here alone waiting for our love one to come home.

This time I made dinner and his plate is ready, I will get my lazy bum up when he gets home at 1 in the morning, and do what ever he needs!! I am trying to be a better half for him, I think he notices now!! We have been getting along a lot better!!

linz06- LOL I am stubborn, thats how I got myself into this pickle! Hehe. I will usually not get upset over advise, besides all the ladies on here have been wonderful to me, its not what you say its how you say it!!

MauiGirl- LOL @ Lazy couch potato!!! That is something he will never be!!!-

Lil Sis- 27 years, Congrats on that!! We try not to fight, if we do I will always give in and say sorry LOL, We never go to bed mad at eachother, we try not to, life is too short for that! So is so nice of your DH to take you somewhere he hates!! That is true love!! LOL what did he end up eating??

Just read this thread for the first time, and I'm sorry things are exhausting and trying for you and your hubby. But, I'm so glad you have a new outlook and are feeling so much better about things.
Marriage is tough, but so rewarding and comforting and fun. I've been married for 23 years and some days are harder than others, some YEARS are harder than others, but it's all so worth it. My hubby and I are about to be empty nesters, so will discover a whole new phase of life. I'll probably be posting asking for advice many a time!
I noticed you said you like writing things down better than communicating in person sometimes. Maybe you could leave him notes to find when he gets up in the morning, gets home, or while he's away at work?
Men also need to hear a LOT of positive reinforcement, naming the things they've done that you notice and appreciate.
One of my VERY favorite books for couples is "The Five Love Languages". It explains that we all have different love languages and how to love and be loved depending on where we are. It is a life(and marriage) saver!
Keep up the good work, and may more rest, time and joy be coming your way!
Jen/Jinger (Zoe)

I'm glad things are going better for the two of you. Sometimes it helps to put ourselves in their shoes. You must be proud that DH tries as hard as he does at work.

Here's an idea, take a nap but set your alarm for 12:30. That gives you time to get up, splash some water on your face, and heat up his plate. I'm a lazy butt and that's what I would do to at least get some sleep. ;)

So glad you're already feeling better :). Your feelings are always valid, no matter what they are. The hubs may not always agree with your feelings :p...but if he's willing to communicate, you've both already won the battle.

I reallllly suspect sleep deprivation. I don't know if you've ever read about the effects of sleep deprivation, but wow, it's bad. Your hubby's tolerance levels (of anything) would plummet, so he'd have very little room to deal w/ anything that's additionally stressful (even small things). I've experience sleep depriv firsthand...and it was a horrible phase for me. I felt like I was holding on by a thread.

Hang in there, it will get better!!!