Animosity at work
 

What's a girl to do when she feels and hears how much she is unwanted in the workplace? It's no secret how much a few of my colleagues feel about me. I've only been here 5 months and have already made a few enemies. What I wasn't expecting was to be minding my own business, doing my work, and hear how utterly useless and unnecessary I am. My colleagues were in the office right across from mine, our doors are right in front of each other. I heard every word. :(

Eventually, I had enough of their verbal beating. I got up and went to the front office to sit with the receptionist for a few mins. I really need this job. There aren't many openings out there for employment, which makes me feel stuck and utterly miserable. I was in tears last Friday over a situation, and today isn't any better. When should enough be enough? When do I just walk away?:confused:

Im sorry your going through that and Im sure its upsetting. I dont think you should leave a job you like and need because of them but I can see why you would be tempted to do it. I would continue to mind your own business and let them and others see that you arent going to let them get the best of you.

I am so sorry to read this post after reading how excited you were to help those with literacy problems. Remember there will always be people who will be threatened by people who want to make a change or care too much. Their lives are unfulfilled and the only way they can make themselves feel better is to tear someone else down. Don't let them get to you. I know it is really hard, one of the hardest things to do is to believe in yourself when others are putting you down. Think of all your good points and write them down and look at it all the time. Let's see I know all ready you are smart, kind, enthusiastic, compassionate and that is just from your posts so chin up and hang in there.

I am so sorry you have to deal with mean spirted females!! I have two daughters and they too are having issues with people at work. It made me think of my past... now I am a teacher and pretty much stay away from "adults".. but I do remember the days... ugh!!

My advise, do not let them win!!!!!!!!! If you do move on there will be people like them there also. Do your very best, have someone you can vent to and stay out of trouble. Whatever you do, don't "engage" or take part with them. It will not do you any good to "pay them back"! They may all not be as bad as it seams, some are just following the leader. Not that I have much respect for the followers... but you maybe able to win some of them over if your actions prove you are the good guy.

I wish you the best of luck... at least you have yt to "talk" to:p

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I went through the same thing when I started my career. I was promoted to a position in another office that someone there wanted and because everyone in the office loved that person, naturally they all hated me. It's not easy to deal with. But I remembered the advice of one of my heroes, Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face, "You don't have to be friends to work together... acquainted will do." Eventually people began to realize that I wasn't the enemy and I'm still here 30 years later.

My advice: take the high road and pretend not to even notice when they are insulting you. Continue to do your personal best at work. Be friendly, but don't try to be friends. The people who are worth their salt will eventually be ashamed of their behavior and will change. The ones who are not worth their salt are not worth your tears, either.

Besides - you have plenty of friends right here on YorkieTalk. Who needs those other people?

Do they get in the way of you doing your job? If so, then you need to speak to your manager. I'm getting to that point with a guy I work with. He's a total A$$. He does not like me and I do not like him. ... AT ALL! Well when he's having an off day he'll refuse to talk to me. He won't tell me NECESSARY information that I need to do MY JOB. That is where I draw the line. He is wrong. Its fine that he does not like me. I don't care. But when he does things that put my job on the line, then that's another story altogether.
Today he is being a HUGE JERK..... per usual... not telling me when he was going to lunch, not asking about the lunch schedule. We all switch up lunches b/t 12, 1230 and 1. We all used to go at 1. Now me and the other girl offer to do 12 and 1230 all the time, but he NEVER does. When my boss tells him to do 12 he will not tell us. He's mad that he can't have 1. He's the most ridiculous, idiotic, ignorant frustrating person I've ever met. Every single day is a challenge to work next to him. I DESPISE HIM so much... I go home every night and need to vent to my BF before I can calm down. I need to get out of here. :( It does not help that I do not love my job either!!!

The only person you need to worry about is your boss. Usually that kind of talk is generated by jealousy. In reality, if they had been doing 110% of their jobs, there may not have been a position open at the time you were hired.

When you get a break, walk over to the group and say, Hi guys. I was just feeling a bit lonely ( or bored or claustrophobic)... who are we all talking about? I normally don't engage in office gossip, it's the most useless and unproductive thing one finds in many office settings, but I couldn't resist as I already overheard most of your conversation.... I just don't know any of you and I was curious who it was.... :D

And if they say 'You' :eek:, just say well, it appears I'm in good company! Probably why I was hired in the first place, bc I know how to fit right in with a bunch of useless slackers and still get my job done!

Or just ignore them....

I can relate totally to what you're going through. I was an electronics technician/customer service person in a high stress position for about 10 years & finally had a real good long talk with myself about my quality of life. The way I see it, we spend well over 75% of our lives in a work environment & for me the stress was making me physically sick every day just getting up to go to a place I'd come to despise. I know that the economy makes finding a good job & staying in ones chosen career difficult but if you absolutely cannot deal with these people it may not be the best place for you to be.
Perhaps try asking them out to lunch on a one on one basis & see if you can come to some kind of amicable ground. Sometimes just airing the problem can help to get solutions.
Good luck to you :)

I don't think they know how much effort I put into bringing in that agency to collaborate with us. They are also linking us to another agency that is wanting to donate 25+ computers. It's working out really well.

Your post made me smile. This is what happened to me. I was an outside hire, and took over for someone else that wanted this position. The people I work with bluntly told me how much they resented how things went down and already hated me before meeting me. The problem is they're not stopping there. I've had to have a sit down talk 3 times already with the Assistant Director. Granted, he's my immediate supervisor in the meantime, but I think it doesn't look good. He's fair, and has been very supportive even though my colleagues go to him to report my bad behavior. :( I didn't do anything! I fear that eventually he's going to be tired of all the nonsense and might just let me go. Then what do I do?

Report them and file a complaint when you file for unemployment benefits. And if they give you an exit interview, let them know what was really happening and how these people will run anyone out, and will cost the company a ton of money as they'll be having to go through the hiring process time and time again.

You just reminded me of another incident. I have been a "utility" person here for many years - long story - and when management wanted to promote a very talented person with limited management experience to be a director in a new department, the only way they would do it was if I went along as associate director. I most definitely did not want the job, but a) I wanted to see the person succeed, and b) I wasn't given a choice, so I took the job. I had only four people reporting directly to me, and the day the promotion was announced, one of them (who I had thought was a good friend) sought me out on the street and informed me that I was not qualified to be her boss. Talk about shock! I just told her that I was sorry that she felt that way, but that since we didn't have any choice, we would have to make the best of it, and that I would do my utmost to help her be ready when the next opportunity came around. Well, you can guess how that went over. She spent the next two years going behind my back, refusing to follow instructions, and trying to cause rebellion with the other three direct reports.

Have you seen "If a Man Answers" with Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin? Sandra's mother gives her a book on dog training and tells her to use it on her husband. Well.... I tried the same technique on my staff. If anyone did something remotely well, I praised the heck out of them. And if they did something out of line, I privately and quietly corrected it, but in public gave only positive feedback. After a few months, they realized I was actually on their side, and I won the loyalty of all but the one who originally confronted me. I knew I had won when I heard the three of them telling Miss Trouble off in no uncertain terms.

Do any of these people report to you? Or are they all on your level? You have to be careful about using the dog training technique on people at your level but there are ways to do it subtly that could help you.

[QUOTE=DvlshAngel985;3405429]I don't think they know how much effort I put into bringing in that agency to collaborate with us. They are also linking us to another agency that is wanting to donate 25+ computers. It's working out really well.


Your post made me smile. This is what happened to me. I was an outside hire, and took over for someone else that wanted this position. The people I work with bluntly told me how much they resented how things went down and already hated me before meeting me. The problem is they're not stopping there. I've had to have a sit down talk 3 times already with the Assistant Director. Granted, he's my immediate supervisor in the meantime, but I think it doesn't look good. He's fair, and has been very supportive even though my colleagues go to him to report my bad behavior. :( I didn't do anything! I fear that eventually he's going to be tired of all the nonsense and might just let me go. Then what do I do?[/QUOTE]
You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the game. Life is not fair and that is one of the hardest lessons to learn. Failure is when you quit trying in life, not when you encounter setbacks. Setbacks are just the learning curve in life. Remember to see this as a test of fire. When you make a sword it goes into the fire and is heated and beaten into shape. Each time it comes out of the fire the blade is sharper, stronger. So look at these complications as a challenge to overcome. I started off a long time ago as one of the few women in a technical field in "Hollywood" If I was not getting harassed by the men who did not believe a woman should be doing the job, it was the women I had to deal with who resented that I was working with the boys and not in the office with them. Many years and obstacles later, even losing jobs because I was sabotaged by co- workers I am successful and proud of myself because I did it with hard work and not by undermining those I work with. I believe in myself and know that I am a good person. I still come up against obstacles but I look at them as challenges to make me stronger. Do not give up. :)

I guess, I'm way more direct. I would walk in and say, I'm glad you are all here, I can't help but overhear your comments on my position and my work. Let's all sit down and talk about it, bring to the table and see if we can come up with a resolution as, I too, need my job as I'm assuming you all do.

Then talk and work on it from there. Stay calm, talk, if anyone starts to get out of hand, say, let me step away one moment and I'll bring our manager in to be in to participate and be part of our discussion.

I would rather be direct and put a stop to talk where I can hear. You can't stop people from talking, but they will learn to do it not in your face. Or, perhaps it will help and they will all keep their comments to themselves, no one likes to be comfronted.

I have always dealt with office gossip, direct. Hope this all makes sense to you.

Good luck!

Hear, hear! I like to think I was tempered by fire, as well. If you think it's tough for a woman in management now, you should have been around in the seventies or earlier, when any woman who was a supervisor or above was regarded as a hardened bi*ch, paid less than men at the same level, and didn't get much respect from superiors or their staff. Fortunately I grew up with parents who didn't use gender as an excuse for low expectations and I went to work not knowing that I was inferior (VBG).

Whatever happened, and believe me, I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl, I stayed true to myself and always did my best work with dignity and a positive attitude. Many of the stinkers I encountered along the way have resigned or been fired, and I'm still here where I wanted to be when I started. I don't engage in gossip or office politics -- but I try very hard not to be uppity about it. When challenged on the topic, I always say I don't ski or play office politics because I stink at both. You wouldn't know to talk to me that I have a tempered steel core, but it's there.

The way this agency is set up, or my position, I would not qualify for unemployment benefits if I am ever let go.

No, they have their site supervisor. (the #1 person that talks about me) They're in education and I'm in social services. We should be working together to help provide services to our families. I feel like I am on my own and every time I get slapped down by one of them for something somewhere. I'm not perfect, I have made mistakes but I own up to those mistakes. Ive only bee here 5 or 6 months, and the rules are constantly changing. We work with the county and my job is to keep up with those changes, since they as education are out teaching the children. We're each to do our part.

Thanks for the pick me up. It's nice to hear advice from people outside of the situation who are unemotional and unattached. It gives great perspective.

:thumbup::thumbup: Great advice.

I have been there too, although I didn't last 30 years. Things never improved for me, but I toughed it out until another door opened for me. I could live with coworkers not liking me, but I had a very hard time with them getting in the way of my work.

I'm just seeing this. I'm so sorry.:( Those people are just cruel and heartless. Don't quit! That's my advice. Try to toughen up, because that is what you're going to have to do in this world. I say don't quit, because that is what they want you to do. Don't hand it to them on a silver platter.

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: A woman (person) after my own heart!!!! :thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

...and she has a wonderful sense of humor.:D

Just in case - for future reference and in case you ever lose your job, keep precise notes of dates and times of things that have happened and when you have reported them to your manager; also, make notes of your manager's responses. This could be your protection.

Boopster and Buster Brown -- great advice!

You don't...silly, that is just what they want! You are such a bright girl and all you need to do is ignore them, do your work the best you can and always, always, always keep your chin up and a smile on your face!:)

Them seeing you with your chin up and a smile on your face will impress them that inspite of their comments you stuck it out and...did your job!

Making friends may come later...but, at least those who are watching and not making snide remarks will admire your determination!

Hugs! :love-hug1

So have you tried a one-on-one with the site supervisor? Sounds like she's the ringleader and the others wouldn't follow along if she wasn't egging them on.

If you haven't, why not get her to go to lunch with you somewhere away from the office. Then, in a collegial way, put it all on the table. Tell her you know your business relationship got off to a bad start, and that if you have done anything to cause it, you apologize for your part in it. (I've found that vague apologies like this work wonders for breaking the ice without admitting any guilt, and frequently catch people off-guard.)

It sounds like part of your job is to support their teaching effort by keeping the county off their backs - is that right? So tell her how you see what you do supporting their efforts and making them look like the superstars they surely are. And ask what you can do to mend the broken relationship and help in their efforts. Be prepared with a calm response in case her answer is hostile -- such as "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I hope I can someday prove to you that I'm not the enemy." If she says "quit" - then you've probably got a recalcitrant bi*ch on your hands and all you can do is watch your back while you continue to do your best work.

You might be surprised to find that they have some preconceived fears that you can lay to rest or you might even have unconsciously done something to add to the animosity that you can correct. Or it could just be a toxic environment that management has allowed to happen and there's nothing you can do to fix it - you just have to hang in there until the economy improves and you can leave them in the dust while you find a better position.

I used to get so frustrated when I saw incompetent or just plain nasty people allowed to get away with their behavior and sometimes even get promotions and raises. Having been in the working world for ages, I can tell you that it eventually does catch up with most of them. I can't tell you how many I have seen pressured to resign or just plain fired when times got tough or there was a senior management change. The responsible and productive workers who don't get involved in drama are usually the last ones to go if for no other reason than that no one else wants to do that amount of work.

I'm so sorry Suzana :( I don't really have any advise....but if you need the job and can stand to wait it out while searching for a BETTER job, just kill them with kindness :D

That's what my supervisor said. So I try. :) But sometimes it just gets to me, especially when they're on a rampage and are constantly berating me. He knows, and wants me to email him confidentially when something happens. I'm so sad he's not going to be my direct supervisor anymore. He had me and the education supervisor have a sit down chat a few months ago. She at that time declared that she was just confused about her responsibilities since she was a brand new supervisor. But... my work friends tell me she's been raising hell for a while. Some parents in the program don't like her because she's mean, and never words things in a way that doesn't hurt feelings. (I usually take the time to go back and calm parents down, telling them how stressed the ed. super is and that she doesn't mean to be so blunt and cold)

Sounds like this has been going on for awhile and one thing you might want to do, is take a step back and review what all has gone on. You said there were some errors made etc. Could they have been discussing those and not really you... don't allow yourself to get a chip on your shoulder, and read more into it that there is... I think like one of the others suggested, ask to speak with them.. I would do it one on one...ask what you can do to bridge the gap. If you get negative responses, you will at least know where you stand with them and then I would get a radio for my space and play it instead of allowing myself to be torn apart from gossip, while I performed my job to the best of my ability... during the talks, stay very upbeat, and professional, and don't give them anything they could turn around and use against you...I am now waiting to start my new job, due to leaving my job because of this same situation, the problem was the agent was the one that loved to do the belittling...guess she felt she wrote the check so she could do as she pleased..After leaving and interviewing with other agents... I found out she had quite the reputation of being the B**** wish I knew this before taking the job..

I was going to reply but you said it all so beautifully & just what I was thinking, so I am just going to say ..... DITTO!!!!

DvlshAngel -- Just keep doing what you do -- respect yourself and that is all you can do for now. Eventually, the naysayers will have no leg to stand on. You have some wonderful goals. Don't let anything deter you. So many are searching for their higher purpose and you have found one. I really admire what you are doing!

We have sat down one on one to talk about it, my current supervisor (Assistant Director) mediated the meeting. We "work" fine together, we get things done, and I try to be as pleasant as humanly possible. But... even after that their personal feelings are what they are. I doubt anything I do or say short of disappearing will change any of that.

Short from calling out names and pointing fingers, this is the best way I can describe it. They are flowers, out in the open and interacting with all the elements. I am a pot, in the background making sure everything is that is needed is there as well as offering support. They were saying today that those workers that are playing the role of flower and pot are way better off than those, like at my assigned site where there is someone to play the pot and someone to play the flower. What they fail to realize is that you can't be both the pot and the flower. Each is a different role and when you combine the two, one or the other suffers. In real life, those that are playing roles of education and social services are neglectful of the social services role. They do not have the time to attend the meetings to make sure all proceedings are in accordance with the county, they do not have the time to drive a family to go get food donations or clothes that are much needed (I've done this a few times), and they are not available during the summer and winter since they are off on vacation like all the other teachers. I work year-round, on Christmas Eve, and New Years Eve they don't. I'm not complaining, but they fail to see that is also the time when families go into crisis (not enough money or food) and I'm there to help. This past December, I passed along the gift the agency gave me to a family in need.