need advice for a cheater
 

I am absolute devastated. I learned yesterday that my husband of 8 years has been texting other women. I dont mean a casually text here or there. I'm talking nearly 800 text in a week! They are on the phone practically every minute of the day! Has anyone else dealt with the before I desperately need some advice!

First off, I am sorry.

Second off, does he know that you know? If yes, has he continued to do it knowing that you know?

I really don't have any advice, but I would like to point out that this happened to my dad a year ago. My mom ended up phone texting, then on to calls and sad to say this but the marriage ended.

If you talk to your husband and he's willing to talk it out with you to find out why, that's the beginning. TALK. Make sure you don't just let this go on, it's not fair to you.

Sorry again.

I think you need to talk to your Husband about it but also you both need to go to marital counciling to help you and him get back on track with your marriage

Yes he does know that I know. What makes it so bad is that this is not the first time this has happened, more like the 3rd. The last time I promised him and myself that I would never let him do this to me again.
Last night when I confronted him about he state as always that they are "just friends." This time he went way to far because the woman is his cray ex.
I just don't know where to turn, I am completely lost. I have always given my all to this marriage.

I'm so sorry to hear. Have you told him you don't like him doing this? That it hurts and bothers you that he would take so much time out of his day to text an ex or any other woman for that matter?

I don't know how you guys are with texting but I don't even text any of my friends OR husband more then a 10 a day and thats on a good day. I don't even do it every day.

Is there a way for you to see what hes been texting, if its friendly convo or more then that.

If this is the worst he is doing I think going to counselling and talking with someone may be a good option to save your marriage.

I'm deeply sorry you are faced to deal with this.... I don't want to give advice because I came from a home of one parent my mom and if she was cheated on once that would be the one and only time and she never looked back.

I'm the same way, but I will tell you this see a divorce attorney before you confront him. They will tell you the best way to secure your future and be prepare for what he may try to hide or come at you for.

Most important I want you to know this is an open forum and he or she can google your name and this will show up, it has happen to a few members here. One girl found out by surprise in court.... just watch what you say.

Best of Luck!

We both use our phone to text a lot, but not 800 text in a week! The last time I caught him talking to another female on the phone I moved out of our house. Eventually we worked things out and he stated that he knew what he was doing was wrong and would NEVER do it again. Maybe I'm just a fool for believing him!

You are not a fool. There is a new way of cheating with the internet and texting that the spouse has contact with others but not intimate contact and that is probably whats going on. You need to talk to a professional because you have trust issues now and he does so someone can show him why what he is doing is wrong and how it is hurting you. I really believe if you dont get outside help he will just do it again because its an addiction

I have gone through this exact thing more than once. It sucks really bad. My husband just couldn't understand why I was upset because they were "just friends" and he wasn't "cheating". Of course one of the "friends" I found out he was telling her we weren't together and he was living with his mom!! Why would you tell a friend something like that when it isn't true?? Everytime he would promise not to do it again, but of course he did. We are still together, and things are good right now, but I just keep waiting for the next time. I know you are hurting and it is so hard. If you would like to talk, feel free to PM me.

Please don't take this as what you should do but simply as what I would do.

If I were financially independent I would file for a divorce and ask him to leave, change the locks and begin the healing process. If I needed help with $ I'd sell everything I didn't need, find a job or way to supplement my income then I'd leave or ask him to leave. Sad to say $ plays a big role in what you can and can not do ;(

There are people out there that you could be with that would not treat you like that, you deserve respect, truth and love.

I'm all for trying to work through problems with a counselor and divorce is always a last resort, but cheating is a line you can't un-cross. IMO.

If this is his 3rd time it means that you have already established the pattern in your marriage that he does what he wants, you find out, get hurt, cry, demand he stop, he makes obligatory promise, repeat. Obviously, he is not going to change, why should he? You have thus far proven that you will tolerate his behavior.
If there is a reason such as small kids, economic necessity, whatever, you need to sit down and understand why you are justifying the marriage. Also, bear in mind if you do have children what they witness in your marriage will leave a lasting impression on what they believe is acceptable in theirs.
You need to decide if all his other qualities truly outweigh this egregious breach of trust and the sanctity of your vows. Can you live with knowing that he will continue to do this the rest of your married lives together in order to keep whatever the other qualities he provides are, is it worth it? Is subjugating your feelings, pride and what is important to you worth the trade off? What are you getting to make up for it?
I've been married 3 times 18yrs, 18wks, and now 15yrs. What I have learned is that when you are married to the right person you don't look outside the marriage for fulfillment, sexual, friendship or anything else. You have friends and a social life, even with the opposite sex, but not the kind of intimate conversations that you can't repeat to your spouse. If you're married to the right person you shouldn't have any conversation, text, email, lunch, activity, experience..anything that you can't repeat verbatim, moment by moment to your spouse with no worries. Your spouse is your best friend. If there is anything you can't share with him/her then there is deceit and that is a problem.
You have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do. I've been in your shoes, those shoes hurt.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

:rain::rain::rain:Fortunately we do not have any children. I have a good job and can support myself. The problem I will have is we just built a very expensive house on land that was deeded to me from my great grandfather. I will have to struggle to make the house payment alone...the house can not be sold because the land it was built on has been in my family for over 300 years.

Could you find a room mate? I know that's easier said than done.

nana911, sounds like a great voice of experience and I agree with her about :
What I have learned is that when you are married to the right person you don't look outside the marriage for fulfillment, sexual, friendship or anything else. You have friends and a social life, even with the opposite sex, but not the kind of intimate conversations that you can't repeat to your spouse. If you're married to the right person you shouldn't have any conversation, text, email, lunch, activity, experience..anything that you can't repeat verbatim, moment by moment to your spouse with no worries. Your spouse is your best friend. If there is anything you can't share with him/her then there is deceit and that is a problem.

I hope you can reach down within yourself and find the strength you need, if times are tough for a while because of the house situation just think of how good they will be later when this is far in the past.

Very well said

I'm sorry you have to go through this !

I'm so sorry...
My parents went through same thing and all I can tell you is that you need to look at your own relationship through other person's perspective or better yet through your husband's perspective and it might help you to understand why he did what he did.
I had hours and hours of talk with my mom about why my father cheated on my mom and found out that my father was very insecure man and needed my mom to assure him that he was the only man she needed in her life. Don't beat yourself about it, cring about it blaming him won't help trust me(my mother spent years blaming, cring...etc) keep your head held high and know that you are worth more than that. Be strong and don't forget that you deserve better relationship whether with your hubby or someone else.
my prayers are with you.

Even more important that you get out sooner. Before children. But it is your house. The longer he contributes to the equity the better his case in claiming a stake in it and forcing you to give him a larger piece of it, or forcing a sale to give him a cash buy out. The longer he stays and pays the bigger his slice of pie (your house) is gonna be.

Oh, and sweetie, if you're able to look at things that pragmatically you are ready to move on!

This is why I said to first see a divorce attorney he can tell you what to do to protect yourself and your future, because you know he is going to do the same and might even try to blame you for his actions. Be strong.

I would advise you to leave him.
Any man who treats you like this is not worth your time, there are so many men out there who would never dream of treating there partner like this.
I know it probably dosn't feel like it right now but things will get better, the trust is gone so there is no going back to the way things were before.
You can do so much better don't let this **** hold you back xxxx

I am so very sorry you are going through this - sounds like for the 3rd time. Your thread said, "need advice," but I think you already know what to do. Just need some support while you deal with this and YT is such a great place to get support. Please protect yourself with a lawyer. Sending hugs...

The best answer is to pray and leave it in Gods hands. If you can afford to be on your own you should probably move him out and go on with your life. Especially if no children are involved. My brother had a problem like this. His wife was on a chat room with a man she met on the internet. She said they were just friends. Well she ruined my brothers life, divorced him married this guy and also ruined her childrens lives. She now lives in a expensive home with her new husband and he lives in an apartment.

:thumbup: I agree with Chachi

I wont give you any advice either..but one thing to consider:

If he refuses to let you read all the texts to her and from her...then there probably is something going on. I certainly hope you can get counseling...even if he wont go.
So sorry for your troubles

I wouldn't tolerate it. 800 texts?? I would surely bet there is more to it, but even if it is just texts you say it's the third time? He doesn't care about your feelings, he has shown that. He may at this point care that he was caught and be ever so sorry and promise it will never happen again. I'm sorry, for me that would be too much. Of course that is easy to say and I am not in your position. But I surely think this will continue to happen irregardless of the promises.
Do you plan to have children with this man? If so, think 5, 10 years down the line and how it will feel to find out yet again he is cheating on you. Now you have children and are stuck as you want them to have daddy.
I do agree you should see a counselor BY YOURSELF prior to making any life changing decisions here.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but please know you are worth more than that and don't have to share a husband with anyone.

So sorry you are going through this & I know any decision you make will be a very difficult one but you have to do what's best for you.

Can you secretly start looking for roommates, maybe family members who may be needing a place to stay? That way, you'd have them lined up and ready to move in so you can have a little cushion & help.

I would consult an attorney to see what you should do to protect you & your family's property, then I would file a petition of eviction for him which I think has to be at least 30 days. That's why I would use that time to get some roommates lined up.

Only you can make the decision, I think you know what you need to do. If you truly feel this is going to happen again, it should end. If you think there is a possiblity, you need to suggest counseling and make this the very last attempt.

Hugs & best of luck!

First off I want to think everyone for their caring words and advice!
But the story gets even worst! He called me and asked if I would come home for a few minutes. I did, figuring maybe he was ready to fess up. I came in he asked me to have a seat, which I did. He proceeded to tell me how he loves me and wants only me and then says he has something he needs to give me....immediately after he pulled the pink folder from behind the pillow I knew what it was.
On thursday my mom and I had taken Jezebel to a pet store to buy her some supplies. While there we admired a cute little yorkie girl and I asked to see her. The Associate brought the puppy out with a PINK folder containing her information. I played with the puppy awhile and put her back. After returning home I told him of the experience. Thought nothing else of it.

He handed me the folder and said "she yours and in the basement." Needless to say this caused me more sadness than joy. I feel he's trying to fix things by buying me a $1,600 puppy! I immediately told him to take her back, but the store excepts no returns and he signed the contract stating that.
Now I not only have to decide what to do about my marriage, but take care of a tiny puppy in the process!

All I can say is WOW! and not in a good way. Is your mom helping you through this I hope?

I am sorry you are going through this but if it helps I have been through the same with my EX.

In my case it never stopped even with all the promises, I finally took some good advice got some counselling and left. It was rough at first because even with all his cheating ways I missed him but I pushed myself through it and moved on - with a lot of help from family and friends.

Today I am in a good relationship with someone I trust, life is not suppose to be about second guessing everything your loved one tells you. That is exhausting and makes it almost impossible to enjoy any other part of you life.

Regarding the Yorkie Puppy, WOW!!! that is all I can say. That is kind of wrong to use a sweet puppy to win you over (no matter how exciting it is to receive a puppy).

Good luck, remember only you can decide if you can trust him again and when the right time to say "enough is enough".

So sorry you have to go through this. I think you know what you have to do. You just need to move forward and do it. Would you be comfortable in your marriage after this has happened repeatedly. I know someone whao has lived many miserable years with a husband only because she makes more money than he and doesn't want him to take anything away from her, like her house. What she doesn't realize is that he has taken her happiness and peace of mind.
Again so sorry you have all this to deal with. Judging by the responses, support here is not in short supply. Wishing you well in whatever lies ahead.

Listen to your gut instinct, that is my advice. Only you know what you can deal with. I have witnessed people put up with more than I think I ever would and have saw a friend give up on a marriage over almost nothing.
You know what is best for you. Life is much too short to choose to be unhappy. I pray that you find the strength to do what you need to in order to get through this.

I'm really sorry:( I feel like if you are giving your all, why is he not?