Struggling in the parenting department
 

i'm having a hard time writing this but i need to get something off of my chest and have no safe means to do so but here.

i am the sole parent of four. i have twins (almost 17), a 12 year old, and an 11 year old. i love them to the moon and back times infinity but sometimes, i feel completely inadequate.

it was always important to me to instill compassion, empathy, gratitude, selflessness, respect in my kids. i wanted to raise kind human beings. i've put them in positions that would nurture those traits whenever possible.

anymore, i feel only doubt and worry because to tell the truth, they treat me like crap an awful lot of the time. sometimes i wish they would remember that there's only one of me and four of them, and that i'm human too.

i know that people have it worse and i hate complaining. some days are just more difficult that others. hopefully this doesn't make me sound like the worst mother on earth. i love them so...i guess that's why it hurts so much.

thanks for reading.

You need to sit your children down and have a discussion with them. Everyones expectations of each other. Let them know how you feel. I'm sure it will suprise you. Your not alone motherhood is one of the hardest job there is.

Ah, don't take it personally, teenagers have to 'devalue' the nest or they'll never leave it. They'll feel bad later after the overconfidence of youth fades away. The little ones probably just imitate the big ones. Just be real with them, and be real with you.

I really sympathise with you. I have 5 siblings at home with my mum, and the older 3 (25 - 21) have no respect for her at all. She is just like a doormat, and thinks that she is doing her best for them by doing everything for them and taking so much $%£$ from them. It really angers me.

Oh, hun I feel the same way at times all you can do is try your best...I also feel the same way about how you want them to be, it is very important that my boys are kind upstanding citizens etc. but I think most of the problem is the age they are at, very similar to my boys ages and it is soooo hard!!! You keep trying and take care!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have 2 little ones and wow do I feel like I am screwing up somewhere. Parenting is definitely not easy that is for sure. You love them and are doing your best. I don't have teenagers yet and I dread the day that I do. I am sure all parents feel this way sometimes. Big hugs to you.

Teenagers will do that. You need to sit down and talk to them. Tell them how you feel.

I am a single mom of three, I am past your points in age but Ohh boy, can I tell you , my daughters are now 25-22-14, the 14 year old can still give me a run for my money but the other two as teenagers... grrrrrrrr... You do need to sit them down and REALLY speak your mind.. I used to lay it right on the table to mine.. Id say I am mother and Father... I give you all that I can provide and sometimes way more then that because I neglect myself. There were days Id drive to work and say to myself uurrghh I cant stand them, they are selfish brats!! ( I Loved them dearly ) but 4 woman in a household can be CRAZY... You need to just lay down the law... honestly I hated the teenage years.. they are mouthy , fresh and Lazy, good news is they grow out of it.. My older ones are such a big help now.. !!

thanks everyone for the replies and suggestions.

this might sound nuts, but i could swear that lulu knew i was upset last night because even though she always sleeps with me, last night she stayed snuggled up right under my chin all night long. and another thing.....for the last ten days or so her left ear has been flopping. i've just been massaging it a bit at night. well...this morning she woke me up and then sat back just looking at me with what i'm positive was a smile on her face. her left ear was back up!

no matter how difficult things get with the human kids, the furry one always seems eager to love the frustration away. i'm really not sure how i managed without her!

Awwww, this is so cute and so very true! Just remember, God gave us teenagers to prepare us for when they leave home! Hugs to you!

I don't think it's just because your a single parent. I get frustrated as well and my husband is there. Something about the teen years turns them into ungreatful brats. I just had this conversation with my husband and a couple girlfriends. It's so frustrating that it's not funny. There are days you just feel hopeless and wonder where you went wrong. I had one of those days just a few days ago. Those days make me wonder why I had children or if I decided to pack up my car and leave if they would even notice or care.

My friend was joking that we need to get pardoned by the governor.

We give and give and hopefully one day if we don't kill them (jk) they will truly come to understand and appreciate all the hard work and struggle we suffer through. A friend with grown children said that clarity only comes to them when they are grown and out of the house or when they finally have children of their own.

Sending you a hug.

:D Okay, that was awesome.

I just have to hand it to all the parents here: single parents, not single, working, not working. I'm only a fur parent. But I'm so continuously blown over by what parents go through every day, each moment.

LuluMom, I think you sound like a great parent! Obviously, I don't have parenting advice...but, what about a local single-parent "meet-up" group or something, if for nothing else - some support, and good 'ole venting and such?

Hey lulumom, we are sending out hugs to you. I remember the day when I sat my step children down for a talk. I only wish I had done it sooner. Good luck and we are here for you:):animal-pa:animal-pa

I agree with this. I can tell you that those years are really hard. My two sons changed so much when they reached their 20's and now that they are in their 30's I have to give myself a pat on the back. I'm so proud of them and the choices they've made in their lives and now they spoil me rotten, they’ve turned out to be such sweet thoughtful men. I'm always amazed at young women who want children because they want to feel loved, believe me you won't feel it until they are much older, but you can give lots of love now, it will payoff someday! Hang in there, I'm sure they love you like crazy.

Oh Sweetie I feel your pain. There are many days where I wish I had chosen a different path in life as being a skin parent is so hard and scarry!!

I agree that being honest with them is the best thing you can do. Teens will push and push and push some more. My 17 yoa daughter thinks she moving to Washington to go to college and shack up with a boy and his parents that she's been chatting with on line for the last year. The funny thing is we're very close and no matter how much I tell her she's wasting her senior year over the internet she keeps chatting with him. Kids! At this age they know it all. I'm here for you if you need to chat just PM me.

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: Nancy is so right.
My son was in his freshman year of college when he realized that I wasn't born yesterday, and yes, I can drive!
Hang in there. The rough times you're going thru will seem like a vague memory before you know it.

Yikes, many people gave me that advice when my kids were young, I'm glad I didn't follow it. I think it would be horrible to smack my kids in the mouth, it just teaches them that it's ok to hit others if you feel like they aren't respecting you. No one is saying that it's ok for kids to disrespect their parents, we are saying that you can't take it to heart when they act like they don't love you or even say that they hate you. I remember hearing the time my son told me he hated me, I told him "That's ok, I still love you, but it hurts my feelings when you say things like that to me." He only told me he hated me once, (or twice :D) and he shows me now as an adult that he cares very much for my feelings. Even more importantly, his wife tells me how wonderful and thoughtful he is to her. It's not just a parents job to get a child to "behave" and respect authority and stay out of jail, its a parents job to help a child love and respect themselves, and this enables them to make good choices in life. Without self-love and self-respect they can't really love and respect others.

I think it's important to teach kids from a young age to do good things and behave well because they WANT to, not because they'll get hit if they don't. I'm not saying that I think that's the only reason that you are a good person today, but what you said about how you would have been smacked across the mouth. I don't talk to my parents like that because I don't WANT to, not because they'll hit me if I do.

My brother on the other hand :rolleyes: is going through that stage now and there's been times that even I have wanted to beat him to death...I don't know how my parents resist the temptation. :p

I think, like the others, it's important to sit down and talk to each other as a family unit. Don't try to shove it as "I'm the mom, you're the kids, do what I say" - but rather as what you should do as a family to make it work for everyone.

I'm not a parent or anything, but this is mostly the route that my parents took and I've turned out OK, I think :D (and my brother will catch up eventually. even if he's 2 years older than me :rolleyes: ).

Best of luck! Try not to let them upset you too much - they're probably just frustrated with everything.

Those are tough ages. They sometimes get very self centerd and forget whats important. I went throough a tough time with my middle Son JD when he was about 16-18. There were times I thought he hated me.
I realized the way he treated me at times was to manipulate me into getting his own way.

What I found helped was we use to have family meetings every so often.
They were able to express how they were feeling and what was on their mind as long as it was not an attack or blaming another person. We took turns and everyone got their turn. Then we discussed how we were going to change the sitaution for the better.
Sometimes it was things that I had no clue what was bothering them. It really bonded us all and helped the kids to grow closer.
My kids are all adults now and they are like best friends and they swear by those family meetings. If I found that there was tension in the house I would say ok tonight after dinner family meeting. We would sit in the living room and everyone took their turn and they had to at least say something they could not pass. It was the best thing I ever did.

So maybe this will help, but realize the first time you do it they might resist but just tell them this is important and you feel the need for unity in the family. Good Luck~Joyce;)

My parenting situation is very different than the norm that is discussed here. So trying to give advice consistent with the group isn't applicable.

What advice I can give you, is to love them with your whole heart. Spend as much time with them in conversation about Their lives as possible. Always be there for them no matter what. Be their parent and not their friend.
But most importantly, never give up on them, even when they push away. Being there for them now, will pay off for them, later!

I wish the best for you, and your family......

I don't know if I want kids personally. I am 33 and the urge is not there really, every once in awhile I wonder what it would be like, but I kind of like being single and spending all my money on me and my dogs! haha Anyways, I think parenting is the most thankless job in the world. At least until the kids are older and 'get it'. Until then, its heartbreaking and thankless 90% of the time, and probably wonderful 10% of the time! LOL I know how I was a kid and my brothers!!!! LOL Probably not very rewarding. But now we are, we are 28, 32 & 33 now and all pretty successful, good, happy adults with no major issues in our lives.

They do need to know that have to respct you, you are the boss in your house. it doesnt get any easier. think of it like this they are testing the waters and also getting you preperred for the time they leave. if they never do anything wrong you would never want them to move out:) even when theymove out the drama never stops. i raised my kids knowing great values and all you can do i keep inforcing htem and hope they come around sooner then later:)

I would NEVER smack my kid across the room , and I hope when YOU have children you wont either, however, that said, raising children is NOT easy, and being a single parent is not easy either.. I only hope your expectations of being a parent and getting the respect your suggesting here happens. I was strick with my daughters, however they were mouthy , fresh, broke curfew, talked back, etc... they were feeling thier boundries... they were being typical teenages, I didnt run a bootcamp.. I never said it was OKAY but I didnt smack them across the room either ( that would be considered a serious case of child abuse)... I know you are only 27 but what is allowed now a days and what was allowed even 27 years ago is quite different. Not only has the family dynamics changed but the world in general has changed.

Oh, I thought she said smack in the mouth, she said smack across the room, I hope we stop that horrible disrespect for our children. You will never win respect by being disrespectful.

You need to remind them that there is only one of you and that you are human too.

I raised 6 kids by myself, with no relatives near by to help. When things would get tough rand they would come down on me, I would let them know that they were not prisoners, but this is my house I pay the bills, I make the rules. If you don't like it, you are free to leave.

Not once did any of them even try to leave.

The harder you try to please them the more they are going to push. stand your ground.

Good Luck. they eventually do grow up to be nice people. ;-)

Oh honey, I feel you!!

I have 3 teenagers; daughter that is 18, son that is 16 and daughter that is 14. I have been divorced from their father for the past 9 years and remarried to their stepdad for almost 5 years. Although my husband tries to help, I am essentially a single parent with my kids. Their bio father lives over 700 miles away from us and my parents are both deceased.

My kids can give me hell sometimes, but I do not allow them to disrespect me. They can be very self centered at these ages, however, and at those times, I sit them down (usually in the car on the way to somewhere) and have a heart to heart. I do not mind reminding them that I sacrifice a whole lot for them, and that I do it because I love them not because I have to. I also remind them that I'm human also and get my feelings hurt just like they do. I never use physical punishment, but will take away cell phones and privledges when necessary.

I firmly believe that my children need to be responsible, caring individuals and have goals for themselves. I realize that their pulling away from me is normal and with my 18 year old heading off to college this year, I am thankful for that in a way. I am having a hard time with the thought that my baby is leaving me and is becoming a grown woman, but I do not let her know that too much. I want her to be independent and leave the nest.

When they start driving you crazy, remind them that you have feelings also. Then try to remember that you can't prevent them from making mistakes, you can only guide them. Do the best you can do and have peace of mind knowing that you are giving them your all.

I remember (way back then, oh so long ago) when my three were teenagers all at the same time (YUCK!!!!) all of a sudden the Mommy they always looked up to didn't have even one tiny brain cell. To my dismal surprise, I became a stark-raving loonatic over night! My advice/opinion was totally stupid, yet amusing. I was not in fashion yet good for a joke. I was now a non-profit instant non-stop taxi service too. Our home became a flop house/cafeteria for all who entered. Yes, I remember those days, with dread and bewilderment.................but, those horrific years began to fade and reshape themselves as my children marched into their twenties and I could dimly see sweet revenge in the horizon. Yes, there it was...........GRANDCHILDREN! Oh, the joy, the delight, the vision that danced before my eyes and visited my dreams at night. My children with their......children as TEENS!!! A sweet never ending circle. I just pray I live long enough to enjoy it! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

ps. All kidding aside kids due enter into this wierd stage as teens, however, thankfully they exit it and they do see us for our true value......Mother/Father, again. Don't give up, I know you are doing a good job. Parenting is definately not an easy job, but worth the trip in so many ways. Have a Great day and remember to laugh!

I personally see nothing wrong with a smack in the mouth if it is warranted.

Not too long ago a girl took her mptherto court becuse her mothedr smacke her. The father testified that the girl called her mother a fu***** Bit**

The judge threw the case out and told the girls she had it coming.

I agree.

To me, that's proof that smacking in the mouth doesn't work. I'm sure thats not the first time the girl was hit. What's your goal, to keep your kids from calling you a "fu***** Bit**" or to keep them from every thinking you are a "fu***** Bit**". My goal was the latter. ;)