SORRY! I had to vent
 

I'm going crazy! My boyfriend's mother is in town.. she came unannounced!

She calls my cell phone at around 8 pm on Thursday night, screaming at me, "Where the F*** is Rick?" (my bf) My boyfriend and I are always avoiding her calls because all she does is whine and nag at us. Most of the time when she calls he has me answer and make up an excuse why he can't come to the phone. (showering, working, etc.) Well this time we figured mowing the lawn was a good excuse so I told her that. She said, "Really, hes mowing the lawn huh? Well i'm outside and I don't see him out here!".....She wasn't kidding. She was parked outside and she had intentions on staying...for AWHILE.

She is literally making me go insane. She is criticizing me because she thinks I don't clean up the house enough.. First of all this is none of her business..second of all if i KNEW she was coming i wouldve cleaned up more! We have gotten into a yelling match about this twice since she's been here. Whenever there are dishes in the sink that have been sitting for longer than a minute she asks me to do them and stop being so lazy. AHHH its sooo annoying. Sometimes i leave things out on the counter because i know i will be returing to them, and she gets sooo pissed and asks me why can't i clean up after myself. Seriously, I am an adult and she is NOT my mother, I can live how i want to live, and i shouldnt have to be screamed at for every move I make that she doesnt approve of.

My boyfriend has been having car trouble lately and we intended on getting the car fixed at a later date when we had the extra cash.. well she heard about the car and said she had to come and take care of everything immediately because we obviously cant handle our expenses according to her.. ugghh.. She even threatened to take my puppy Jimi away because she doesn't think we can afford it! thats none of her business we are taking care of him and going to the vet regularly. We wouldn't have gotten a puppy if we couldn't afford it. We saved up money for him and he is a very happy and healthy pup. (this might have something to do with the fact that she is obsessed with him, which i understand in some way because he is a cute puppy, but still she is NOT having him EVER!)

She also says that my boyfriend cannot support me because i am too damn needy. First of all I have a job and we work together to pay our bills. She has a problem with me wanting to have the air conditioning on.. umm its august its hot outside! Im sure most of you keep your air on during the summer at least.. She turned our air off now and is having the windows open! Im sweating like a pig. And i feel like Jimi is suffering as well.. he seems to pant more =[ I like to live comfortably, why is that needy?

Anothing thing - she smokes in the house! and i told her i dont approve of it. First of all, I am asthmatic and go crazy when people smoke around me.. I have coughing fits and it makes my chest hurt! ..second of all I want her to do it outside and away from the dog because its bad for his lungs.. she has two yorkies of her own that she smokes around and they dont have health issues (thats her excuse of course) but im not going to risk it.. whats the point.. Second hand smoke must be just as bad for dogs as it is for people. Right??

Also another thing I will mention.. this may be inappropriate so excuse me but i guess my boyfriend and his mom were drinking and he made a joke about how we are never intimate..just to assure his mother.. well she took it seriously. She came up to me and said why are you not fufilling his needs? Me and my husband had sex like rabbits when we were your age. OMGG!! ahhhh... Our sex life is none of her freaking business! Its so embarrassing and I shouldnt have to defend myself like this in my own house! agh what does anyone think about all of this? How do i settle down and relax again?!

She says she has no intentions on leaving until the car is fixed and all of our finances are in order.. who knows how long this could be in her opinion! ahhh help me.

Sorry about all of this i just had to vent to someone.. maybe im overreacting but i hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

It's called a restraining order. Have you asked your bf was he allows his mother to treat you that way?

Lol, I'm older and usually when I read this type of thread, I try to give information about what the mother-in-law may be going through, or just another way to see things in a different perspective, but, sorry, I can't in this case with the mother-in-law from hell! I do not think you are over-reacting. This woman has crossed way too many boundaries, and this is something your boy friend will have to deal with. There are certain things you can learn to say, to people who are totally out of control, like, "I don't allow people to speak to me that way," and then you walk away. Books on assertiveness training and Toxic relationships will have lots of great suggestions on how to deal with people like this, but you almost have to memorize lines, until it becomes natural for you. My only suggestion, is that I would let my boy friend tell his mother that he can't talk now, I've learned that putting myself in between my husband and his family always backfires, there's one person in the family he hates to talk to, and he wants me to tell them he isn't home. So then they think, I'm trying to keep them apart. Now I give him the phone, and let him handle it, and it's much easier on me. Remember, a mother will always forgive her son, but she will hold grudges against you. Best of luck to you, I hope you learn how to deal with this before you consider marriage.

Time to ask her to leave

Ha that's kind of how I feel right now! I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he doesn't like that she yelled at me that way.. but he said she's just being a mother to her youngest child, the baby, so she is very defensive and no girl in the world is good enough for him. I guess she acted like this to his old girlfriends. This is ridiculous she needs to get over it, because we have been dating for over 3 years, and we have a house together now so we are committed and it won't be ending anytime soon! I feel so aloine though because I feel like my boyfriend should be defending me more.. He told her "Quit freaking out" but obviously she's not getting the hint.

Nancy1999, thank you for the advice. Because she is planning on staying so long i will probably have to look into getting one of those books just because I don't see how I can stand to live like this for long. I feel like she is holding a grudge against me but honestly i have done nothing to her!.. I really want to confront her and tell her she can't talk to me like this but I don't want to offend her and let this come between us because i truly do love my boyfriend and I want our relationship to last.

Im my opinion she is acting soo immature... yet she always accuses me of being dumb and young.. hey im 18 i am young but i am NOT dumb. She didn't even finish high school but this year I am starting college at the University of Wisconsin on a $30,000 scholarship :D

..sorry thats just me venting again.

I don't know what to say other than tell her to get lost... WOW sorry you are going though this.

..I have tried giving hints to my boyfriend , but it is his mother.. it's not going to be that easy! He even said himself he wishes she wouldn't have came right now but now that she's here.. she seems pretty determined to stay until she is "comfortable" with leaving him (car fixed, finances in order) .. ah give me a break!

The only possible thing that could break her away is her business. She owns a resort (cabins up north) and right now her husband is alone taking care of it. If duty calls though.. she will have to leave! we'll see.. Part of me wants to get her out of my house but another part of me wants us to gain an understanding of each other so we can get along in the future.

Maybe try to sit her down and tell her just that....that you want to come to an understanding for your bf's sake and peace in your house. I think your BF needs to stand up to the smoking in the house thing though...I had a VERY domineering mother in law and after a huge blow up between her and I and then me ready to leave my husband he finally stood up to her and told her our house our kids our rules dont like it dont stay...she ended up a pretty good mother in law after the sting wore off.....too bad he was an a$$ and now my EX!!!!

You can either put up with this or tell him and her it's your home and she IS leaving.

I would have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him that you will not put up with this from her or him. He needs to talk to her and explain that this is not the way to treat others in their own home. If she does not respect this, she is leaving or you will have her removed. If your boyfriend does not stick up for your home and your relationship please move on. I could not put up with this for long, hugs.

I would pack up the dog and go stay with a friend. Tell your bf "i'll be back when she's gone". Respect is a two way street....until she gives you some, you dont owe her any.

I give you a lot of credit for pursuing a college education and please...if you do anything, don't follow your BF's Mother's "rabbit" advice or you may end up with a child before you're ready...kwim?

Best of luck to you in pursuing your college education! :)

Honestly, and this is just me, I am very very B*tchy when it comes to people like this.... I would tell your BF that he has to tell her to leave. I would tell him that he needs to be a man and stick up to his mom. And I know this sounds horrible, but I wouldn't take crap from her. I would remind her of who's house shes in. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, no matter who you are. I am always sweet and pleasant to begin with, but this lady has crossed more than one line. I know this sounds like awful advice, and I agree LoL I am just telling you what I would do. I am not one to beat around the bush to spare feelings or avoid conflict. This way of dealing with people like that has worked for me soo far :)

I'm sorry...that really sucks..my bf's parents get on my nerves too and im sure my mom gets on his nerves..cause she def. knows how to get on mine..lol Some parents are just soooo...annoying..i def. understand

Thanks for all of the opinions. I think everyone can agree this woman is a bit crazy!..Nevertheless, I plan on talking with her tomorrow morning before my boyfriend leaves to work. (just in case things get out of hand)

LDandPasquale, I would LOVE to get up and go to a friend's house. But unfortunately, I just moved up here with my boyfriend about 2 months ago, so I really haven't made any friends besides the few acquaintances i've met at work. I would really really love to go see my mom, but she lives back home in Kansas 10 hours away.. :( My boyfriend and I moved up here for my schooling. University of Wisconsin offers a great pharmacy program, and they offered me much more money in scholarships than any local Kansas school, so we decided it was worth it to leave.

..although it would be easier for me to get up and leave, I agree with Princessangela3. I really need to come up with some sort of agreement with her so that we can get along.

MizMaRLeysMoM86 & Breeze - I agree with both of you! My boyfriend needs to be a man and stand up for me more.. I know it is his mother and I understand that to some extent, but all of this is just wayyy out of hand!

My boyfriend grilled out, and he had a stack of dishes so I was expecting her to freak out.. hmm no shock she did. She said its not fair for Rick to cook and I sit around and do nothing! ahhh.. We switch off cooking and doing dishes but I figured it would make much more sense to wait until we were DONE eating to do the dishes.. am i stupid or does this make sense to you guys too?? :confused: Anyways she ending up screaming at me saying well youre not doing anything else right now so what is the need for you to wait so long? I just said nothing.. im done with it! Why does it matter if i wait or not? They will get done! that's all that matters so quit worrying about it!!! I pretty much just ran outside I pulled him aside and we discussed it briefly. He agrees he is uncomfortable that his mom and I are not getting along, so he came up with the idea that we will all discuss everything after sleeping on it for a night. He still thinks this is just how she is though.. uggh well..I cant even stand to look at her its gotten this bad! He thinks that he can convince her to leave on Sunday at the earliest because he has plans to fix the car tomorrow. She has told us though that she really wants to stay awhile to "help us out".. in my opinion, she's not helping anything. but..anyway.. I'll let you know how our discussion goes.. Wish me luck =/

.. sorry i forgot to say thank you for your comment. Don't worry my education is #1 for me :) I wouldn't take that type of advice from someone who had a baby at 14 and was married at 17.

Plus we already have a yorkie puppy and we all know that is just like having a baby around! haha

My mother-in-law has never been anything but nice to me, but still, reading this kinda makes me glad I am on a whole 'nother continent than her LoL :p I was reading somewhere online today that they took a poll and 60% of woman have used words such as "loath" and "b*tch" to decribe their mother-in-laws... sounds awful, but I can understand.. I hope I am not one of those words to my future daughter-in-laws when I have kids.. but I probably will knowing me

You have two choices. You can sit her down and lay it out for her. Telling her you will #1 not be disrespected in your home or you can continue to allow her to disrespect you in your home.

If you allow it now it will continue from here on out. You can respectfully tell her that there is absolutely no smoking in your house.. and everything else that is driving you crazy. Let her know that in the future you would appreciate a headsup to when she is planning on coming out for an extended visit.

It comes down to demanding the respect and as far as the bf goes... he should have already said all of this to his mother before any of this came out of your mouth. If he hasn't, then he needs to man up and set her straight or in my opinion... leave with her. :p I wouldn't put up with that at all!

sent you a PM. :D

Does she say this crap infront of your bf? If so, you need to tell him, he WILL interject & set her straight. If she does it behind his back...well she's just trying to get on your nerves & you are letting her.

Instead of butting heads with her, why not try some snappy comebacks?
Smoking - "When you start paying the rent you can smoke in our house"
Dishes - "We do them all after dinner but if they bother you, please, feel free to do them now"
Finances - "Wow you want to help us? I think about $5K would set us right THANKS!"
Sex - "Oh we don't have sex often but when we do, even the neighbors know. That boy of yours is a WILD one!"

I agree, she sounds like the wicked witch of the west. However, I see the real problem being your boyfriend. Where are his man parts and why doesn't he stand up for you????? If my husband allowed his mother (or anyone else) to treat me this way, HE would be packing his bags and leaving with her. If he refuses to be a man, you need to pack up and leave. If she's treating you this way now, can you imagine a lifetime of this? If your boyfriend makes excuses for her, get ready for it. I was blessed with a gem of a mother in law and thank God for that. Please do not allow either of them to treat you this way. You deserve better, but may have to look elsewhere to get it. Hugs to you!

Wow, My daughter just got married 2ys ago this month, I would never ever intrude on there space like that , Its called respect ;) I feel bad for you hun.

all I have to say is I live in the desert... and ya know something? those old abandoned mine shafts come in handy! (just kidding)

:yeahthat: :mad: I have ZERO tolerance for persons of that nature!!! I read and re-read your post and I don't see where you or your boy friend invited her to stay on the "long term." With that said, I'd tell her to beat it in front of your boyfriend. Don't mean to step on toes...But, your boy friend isn't helping the situation either!!! IMO he needs to MAN UP and tell dear old mom to put her breast back in her bra because breast feeding days are long done and over!!! And, if she doesn't start treating you both with respect, then he needs to be the one to pack her bags and escort her to out the door!!!

Ah! she is so stubborn but we finally all sat down and discussed everything. She is leaving Sunday. thank goodness.

After she made me cry last night my boyfriend finally stood up for me this morning. (I know most of you were waiting for him to get some balls, Im glad he finally got the idea!) He said its gotten out of hand and if she is going to stay any longer than Sunday it is going to have to be at his sister's house. We made some agreements though for the next couple of days

1. She cannot smoke inside. (even if im gone because it makes my house stink and i hate that.) This is the one she hates the most. I told her just smoke outside! whats the big deal? Well just to make a point she said no i will not smoke outside but she will smoke in her car..??:confused: uh.. whatever. i dont care as long as its not in my house or around my dog!

2. She needs to stay out of our personal business. I figured this would be normal common sense but we had to explain it to her. My boyfriend was so embarrassed that she made a comment about it to me behind his back he was pissed and let her know its totally inappropriate and none of her business.

by the way- luvfla when she asked me why we dont have sex i said HA! actually we had sex last night when you were sleeping!.. good one huh? (a total lie but owell, still funny)

3. She has to stop criticizing the way I clean or how i live! This is the most important to me, just because it drives me nuts. We tested it out this morning. I left the dog food bag out of the pantry to see if she would get pissed i didn't put it back in.. she looked irritated of course but didnt say anything to me :)

4. She has until Sunday to leave, or she has to stay elsewhere. My boyfriend agreed that this is a long enough stay and we need to get back to our lives.

5. She can't criticize the way i am raising/training my dog, or threaten to take him away. He is my dog, and she's not having him. I dont care if she thinks i cant afford him, she cannot just take him away from me. (plus we can afford him there is NOTHING i am depriving that dog of.) I told her this straight up and that she has no business butting in. Her dogs are healthy but are mean! They will only go to their mother because they are not properly socialized. They bark and bite at everyone else who goes near them. I want Jimi to be social and love everyone he meets. He might lick you a little too much and might be a little rowdy sometimes, but like i said, if you dont like it then leave :D HEs a puppy for goodness sakes!

6. We made an agreement to be civil. We will avoid conversation that could possibly start arguements. We both love Rick and we agreed that we have to at least like (or pretend to like) each other for the sake of him. He loves us both and it is not fair to have him in the middle of all of this.

We are kind of planning to spend the next couple of days apart. I think this would be a good idea just because I am still very upset after what she said to me. She has other family here she needs to visit, and I am going to be taking my pup to see his brother, his littermate, tomorrow. Hes going to love it, and I'm going to love the quiet house once again.

Thanks for everyones comments and support. Venting on here really helps, and I also got some good advice that I will take into consideration when I see her in the future.

I'm sorry, I can't give you any good advice because I would have kicked Mama to the curb by now and had some very choice words for her on her way out. To summarize, she is definately sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and you shouldn't have to put up with that. Grrrrrr! I got all worked up on your behalf just reading this.

And not to ptu down your BF or anything, but he needs to stand up for himself and you and put his foot down with his mother. I'll be DARN if my hubby would sit sheepishly by and ever have let his mother get away with some of the things you've described! He should be taking up for you in this situation, not letting his mother make such hurtful, nasty comments about you.

I haven't read all the post...yet. However, it's time for you or her to get a hotel room. Tell her to add that to your expense.....whatever, but it would be me or her. Things could end badly the way she is treating you. What if y'all marry and have children? I know your very young, but y'all have dated a while and have a home together...its something to think about. Somehow, she has to learn to respect you and I really feel it comes down to your BF laying the law down for her...no matter how hard it is.

Good Luck!
Angie

P.S Where do they hand out 30,00.00 scolarships?? I know a few people who would qualify! LOL

Good for you!

I am shocked that there are modern women who think their way is the only way AND are vocal about it! I don't always agree with what my son & DIL do but if they don't ask my opinion....I'll be damned if I'll give it...it is not my business!

You make a very good MIL. My dear MIL would never give any advice about anything unless asked. She's a gem and I sure appreciate her!!

Please don't be offended, but I have a different perspective. You can talk all you want, boyfriend can talk all he wants, but the Boyfriend's mother comes with the boyfriend. It is a package deal. The fact that the boyfriend ever allowed his mother to treat you (and him as an adult) in that fashion tells me that perhaps rethinking the whole relationship might be a good option.

It sounds like you have found a solution to things. In the future I would try the snappy comeback idea. Say something like "Oh, you are so cute! Is that how they did things back in your day?" or "Wow that is different. I can see why you are so stressed out all the time." "That is a good one! Does that work for you at your house? Cause it probably won't here." "How nice that you can live with all that structure and perfection. We prefer to have a bit more fun and youthfulness in our lives. Maybe when we are your age we will be more like you."