| tarawood | 09-10-2005 07:44 AM |
Marlee,
When I read your post, It brought chills to my spine. It's as if you took the words right out of my mouth. I hope this does not upset you too much, but I'd like to share my story with you too.
I lost my first-born daughter Kaylee after three weeks. I was about a week before my due date, went in for my weekly check up and when they listened to the heartbeat, it was only 60 instead of 120 to 130. They told me to call my family to get some clothes and drive to the hospital and the doctor would meet me there. They thought the contractions were stressing her, so I had an emergency c-section. When I came to after the surgery, and was asking about her, they came and sedated me, then the dr. told me she wasn't going to make it through the night. Of course, I got upset, insisted they get me a wheelchair and take me to see her, despite the pain I was in from the c-section. I couldn't hold her, but I sat with her, until they made me go back to my room. I would continually call the nurses station and ask how she was when they would make me leave. They kept telling me she wasn't going to make it and I kept praying she would and I had everyone else praying too. They never could figure out what was wrong with her, she just wasn't thriving. Kaylee lived 3 weeks, though she never made it home from the hospital. I was able to hold her and rock her, on her better days, and I have some lovely pictures of her. Some of the lab work the hospital had taken had been sent away to a bigger city, and we got the report after she had passed. After she died, we found out she had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18. Losing Kaylee was the most traumatic thing I've even been through. No one can understand the pain of burying a child until they have been there. I felt somehow responsible and like I should've done more to try to save her, though logically I know there was nothing I could've done. I left the nursery up for a while and shut the door to the room and wouldn't let anyone in, but I didn't have the heart to take it down. I didn't take it down until we moved. I can't even bring myself to tell you about the pain of having to make funeral arrangements, picking out her headstone, or burying her. Perhaps one day I will be able to talk about those things too. I used to vist Kaylee daily and talk to her and leave her balloons and little toys on my way to work and school. I did that until we moved. Now we live about 4 hours away, so I don't get to see her as often, but whenver I get the chance I go and take her some new flowers and baloons and statues. We have always tried to do something on her Birthday as well. Kaylee would have been 10 years old on August 24 of this year. I was leaving the parking lot at law school when my phone rang and it was my mom and she was talking to me about some family stuff and other things and then she said "sweetie I just wanted you to know that I remember today is Kaylee's birthday." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't even respond, I just immediately started crying. I was so busy in my day to day life of caring for my other two children, work and school, that I had totally forgotten that it was her birthday that day until my mom mentioned it! How could I have done such a thing! I feel so bad about it, like I totally betrayed her and her memory. So Kaylee, Mommy is so very sorry and she loves you so very much. You mean so much to her and she will never forget her precious little girl. I can't wait for the day that I can see you again and hold and rock you. You truly are Mommy's little angel.
Marlee -- thank you for this post because it opened the door for me to share some of the hurt I've been feeling and to know I am not alone. | 