Just a thought for myself...
 

Hi everyone,
I just have to vent a little. No nothing major, or new. I am just sad today and needed a place to write it down. Today is my son's 7th birthday, or better yet it would have been. I was actully in a store getting somethings for my upcomming trip when I realized the day it was. I remember a time not so long ago I used to count the days, the hours and the minutes since Travin had gone. I realize how diffrent my life would be if he had not left us when he did, and it is hard to think if I had him that I would not have my four younger children. I want to be selfish and have them all, love them all. I know I have him near me, I know he is safe and loved, and I know he thinks of me often. I just wish it were on my terms versus someone else's.

I have heard the many things no parent wants to hear, and I understand the deep loss that I would never wish upon another. Travin left me when he was only 9 weeks old, much to soon, (of course anything before me is to soon.) He has been gone so much longer than he was ever here and at times it feels like a bad dream. Did this really happen to me? I hardly ever share my thought or feeling for him becasue many either do not know what to say, or do not understand. I just needed to vent, to write it down, to make it real for no one else but me.

I miss you my baby, Happy Birthday Travin, I love you today, tomorrow and always.
love
mommy

Oh man Marlee, I am so very sorry!! I know sorry hardly helps you in anyway, but from the bottom of my heart I am.

Marlee, I am a Mom as well and as I read what you wrote my heart went out to you. I have four children and though I have not lost any of them we have come close a couple of times. The love for our children is always alive and continues even if they are not with us. I have a friend that has gone through this same thing. I never knew what to say or how to say it. I wanted to help but there was nothing I could do.. She, like you still thinks of her son daily and still celebrates the life he had though it was short. My thoughts and prayers are with you.. and thank you for sharing this with all of us.

Marlee~

I could never imagine losing a child and your heartfelt "Happy Birthday" truly touched me as a mother. I am so sorry for your loss.

Happy 7th Birthday Tavin. You have a very special mommy.

Just want to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. Your post brings tears to my eyes.

Happy Birthday to your sweet angel.

Thank you all for your kind replies. I really wasnt out to stir up such emotion. I think in many ways I needed to pour out my feelings for my baby boy... It is a hard lesson learned though. I never look at my children the same and always am carefull not to take them for granted. You never know what tomorrow brings. Give your children a hug and tell them you love them, for tomorrow might be to late.
Thanks again, and I am glad people here are so open and nice. You make burdens much easier to bear.

hugs...
Brandi (aka Marlee)

my heart goes out to you, i have chidren and woud be lost without them.
happy birthday angel




wendy and rosie :rose:



:yorkiesar

Marlee - I have no words to tell you how sorry I am. You've been thru the worst thing ever and I just want to send you a big hug...I can't imagine the devestation you are feeling....he IS still with you - believe that.

Oh, Brandi, no one will ever be able to understand the heartache that you've been through. Travin was and is definitely loved. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And as far as venting, I don't think you're venting. You're sharing with your yorkie family something very personal. That's what we're here for. To stand by you and support you through the difficult times.

Baby Travis~
 

This is so touching..it brings tears to my eyes...

You will always remember your baby boy...and I can't imagine the pain you are in...With each year...school days, high school, graduations,...what may of been for him. Pure Mother's Love you are showing...

I want to believe that everything happens for a reason..but when it comes to your own child...so hard to understand~

Travis is with you...I know that for certain...and you will see that beautiful baby boy one day~

I don't know what to say...but I'm sending special thoughts..and a hug your way~

I truly send out my heartfelt sympathy.
My little one would have been 19 next month .Some things fade , but you always have memories that aren't erased.

I think the part that upset me the most is I wasnt prepared. I have always celebrated his birthday in some way. Balloons, a small cake for my husband and myself, just something to acknowledge him and his birthday. When I was writing the check, I actully thought it was like the 4th or something, but not the 9th. The lady at the checkout must have thought something was wrong with me becasue when she told me the date I started crying. Of course I am not going to explian it, I just got my bags and left. I felt so bad, like I had betrayed him for not knowing what day it was.

I know his life and his loss had purpose, even in the short time he was with us. He taught me a lot about myself and my children. He also in many ways gaurnteed the youngest 4 childrens exsistance, for with out his loss I would never have wanted for more. (of course I didnt plan on 4 more either...lol)

I just love him and miss him so. I know for many it is hard to understand, the pain is really incomprehendable, unless you have been through it. It does become more tolerable from year to year, and as I said before in many ways it seems it seems as though he was just a dream I had once. I often wonder what he is doing, or what he would look like. He would have been 7, I probably would have bought him a bike for his birthday, I wonder what color his hair might be, and who he would look like. Sorry I am rambling. I just feel so sad, and also blessed that I did get the chance to have him in my life.

Travin Tanner Jensen was the biggest and most significant person in my life so far, becasue he changed everything about me. I love him and I miss him, every day. I know I will be with him again someday, somehow, ...it just such in the meantime.

Thanks for letting me share/ vent or whatever it is I am doing. It really does help to be able to write about him. For those of you that have also lost children, my heart goes out to you as well, it is a tragidy no matter what age or how they are lost. We as parents should never have had to live though such a loss, the pain is far worse than any I can imagine. For those that have not been through it, I wish for you the blessing of never knowing what it feels like.

thanks agian everyone.
Brandi

Wow this brought tears to my eyes, I am so sorry! I cannot even begin to feel what you are going through, but my heart goes out to you and your family. In some small way, he is still here with you!

Big hugs from me, Romeo and Denero.

Marlee,

When I read your post, It brought chills to my spine. It's as if you took the words right out of my mouth. I hope this does not upset you too much, but I'd like to share my story with you too.

I lost my first-born daughter Kaylee after three weeks. I was about a week before my due date, went in for my weekly check up and when they listened to the heartbeat, it was only 60 instead of 120 to 130. They told me to call my family to get some clothes and drive to the hospital and the doctor would meet me there. They thought the contractions were stressing her, so I had an emergency c-section. When I came to after the surgery, and was asking about her, they came and sedated me, then the dr. told me she wasn't going to make it through the night. Of course, I got upset, insisted they get me a wheelchair and take me to see her, despite the pain I was in from the c-section. I couldn't hold her, but I sat with her, until they made me go back to my room. I would continually call the nurses station and ask how she was when they would make me leave. They kept telling me she wasn't going to make it and I kept praying she would and I had everyone else praying too. They never could figure out what was wrong with her, she just wasn't thriving. Kaylee lived 3 weeks, though she never made it home from the hospital. I was able to hold her and rock her, on her better days, and I have some lovely pictures of her. Some of the lab work the hospital had taken had been sent away to a bigger city, and we got the report after she had passed. After she died, we found out she had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18. Losing Kaylee was the most traumatic thing I've even been through. No one can understand the pain of burying a child until they have been there. I felt somehow responsible and like I should've done more to try to save her, though logically I know there was nothing I could've done. I left the nursery up for a while and shut the door to the room and wouldn't let anyone in, but I didn't have the heart to take it down. I didn't take it down until we moved. I can't even bring myself to tell you about the pain of having to make funeral arrangements, picking out her headstone, or burying her. Perhaps one day I will be able to talk about those things too. I used to vist Kaylee daily and talk to her and leave her balloons and little toys on my way to work and school. I did that until we moved. Now we live about 4 hours away, so I don't get to see her as often, but whenver I get the chance I go and take her some new flowers and baloons and statues. We have always tried to do something on her Birthday as well. Kaylee would have been 10 years old on August 24 of this year. I was leaving the parking lot at law school when my phone rang and it was my mom and she was talking to me about some family stuff and other things and then she said "sweetie I just wanted you to know that I remember today is Kaylee's birthday." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't even respond, I just immediately started crying. I was so busy in my day to day life of caring for my other two children, work and school, that I had totally forgotten that it was her birthday that day until my mom mentioned it! How could I have done such a thing! I feel so bad about it, like I totally betrayed her and her memory. So Kaylee, Mommy is so very sorry and she loves you so very much. You mean so much to her and she will never forget her precious little girl. I can't wait for the day that I can see you again and hold and rock you. You truly are Mommy's little angel.

Marlee -- thank you for this post because it opened the door for me to share some of the hurt I've been feeling and to know I am not alone.

My heart goes out to each of you have lost children. It's an unimaginable thing to go through. Thank you all for sharing your stories. Thoughts and prayers are wth you.

im so sorry for your loss i could never imagine llosing a child .


Happy Birthday Travin :littleang

Marlee I'm so sorry and I can relate what you are Saying I love a little girl when she was 3 days out infact it was the day after Christma. Chistmas is still very hard on me.

Hugsssss Carol and Minnie

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost your beloved children!

It's very hard to hold back the tears when reading your thread. I am so sorry for your loss. I have 3 little ones and could not imagine my life without them. I'm glad you found a way to let it out. We all need a way to let out our emotions. My heart goes out to you!

Only a mother who has lost a child can know the pain and heartbreak that you feel. It's an unnatural thing...they are supposed to outlive you. :( I'm so sorry and thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with us.

Well the first day I put on makeup in about 3 months, I read this and cried it all off. I cqnnot imagine losing a human baby. Love you Brandi! Elizabeth

OMG.. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child but I would think no matter how long they were on this earth, that child will remain a part of you forever. From reading your stories, I can tell what great mothers you all are.