Unbiased Advice Needed
 

Im am going to try to make this is as short as I can, but it will be hard.

I have a friend I've known since I was 14. Because of this, she is really more like family, to me. We fell out of touch for a few years, over a dumb argument her MARRIED boyfriend started between us. Her parents and other sister still continued to come to our home and visit when they passed thru, so when thier Dad passed away, I was right there.

My friend had developed a serious drinking and drug habit during the time we were estranged. She went to rehab and/or was hospitalized 5 times in 2 years for drug and alcohol issues. She always started back using again, each time more worse than before. :mad: I have believed her EVERYTIME she said she was going to get clean. I have bought groceries, and paid to get her vehicle from storage for no insurance, beleiveing everytime that she was going to straighten up.

Anyway, in May of this year, she tried to kill herself by taking a whole bottle of xanax. She did this because she failed to make her bankruptcy payments, and her house was going into foreclosure.

So we staged a mini-intervention. I am a notary, so I drew up a Power of Attorney for her sister to handle her affairs, and we all agreed that this is it--if she walked off, NO ONE was giving her a home. The caseworker found an long-term (6-36 mo) rehab, which happens to be in my city. It is Christian based, and free!

Not a month after she went in rehab, we discovered she is pregnant. I ended up having to get the power of attorney revoked, and I handle her business, because her sister sold off all of her belongings of value (appliances, etc) and blew the money, and her last 2 paychecks--all gone. All she has left is the income tax and stimulus checks that came to my home, because I changed her mailing address.

At first, I thought she was doing well. After 90 days, she gets bimonthly overnite visits. She comes to my home since her brother in law will not allow her in his home, and her stepfather still drinks.

Here is my issue: every time she comes here, she thinks it is about HER. Where she wants to go, we should only do what SHE wants, etc. She cries and pouts when things don't go her way. She thought I should arrange a booty call with another male friend of hers, I told her no way. It is always a fight. I get ridiculed by everyone for dealing with it. Husband and I feel that I am doing enough by supporting her when no one else has, and she needs to fit in to our lifestyle, not the other way around.


On the last weekend she didn't come here, I went to visit her, and they made her ask me to leave, since she didn't fill out her paperwork to request a visitor. Nice, huh?

Also, this has caused tension at home, because husband is a neat freak, and I have a garage PACKED with her belongings, which will be here indefinitely. I told her to please not ask her mother to drop off anything else here, because it causes problems. She asked her mother to bring the rest of her clothes, the rehab said it was ok for her to have them. It filled up the back of a van. When her mother got there, they told her that *** could not have that many belongings, and they did nt have time to search it. So it came to my house too.

Anyhow, this past Sat night she was here. I told her ahead of time that we would be chaperoning my neighbor child's halloween party. When the party started, we walked over and I introduced her to the couple, She stayed there for five minutes, then announced IN FRONT OF THEM--that these were my friends, not hers, and she was uncomfortable and wanted to go home.

I have never been so embarrassed. I told her to go on and go, but the next morning I took her back an hour early, without letting her stop for cigarrettes, and told her that if she was so selfish that she couldn't try to participate in what I had going on, there was no point in her coming. I told her I would still attend all the support meetings I am required to go to (2x per mo), and if she wanted me to visit, I would.

I called this week and she left me off her visitors list. I feel so used and hurt. I want to cry, but I can't. It makes me sick to my stomach because everyone told me this is how she would act. I am so sorry to type my life out, but I have no one to talk to about this, because my husband says if I am going to talk about her, he is not listening. Everyone else laughs and says I told you so.

Please give me some help.

Wow....

Addicts do not think about anyone but themselves. Personally I think you were a terrific friend...and she is not your friend. The fault lies with her...not you.

I'd be done with it....it doesn't sound like you would losing anything.

Really no, I guess I wouldn't. My Dad asked me why I keep sticking by her, and I guess I am just hoping for a happy ending. I feel so sorry for this baby, who is going to be born in a rehab. I want her to be OK. But I also want to be valued, and respected.

It also hurts that I fought so hard for her--confronting her sister about stealing, revoking the power of attorney, and arguing with her family, and for what? I know in her weekly phone call she told her mother that I dropped her off at the rehab and was mean to her. I'm the bad person.

My real best friend gets married this Saturday. We got in to a huge fight when we met for me to try on dresses, because I was trying to handle this other girls business at the same time. She said I was a horrible friend and had neglected her and my husband to take care of a junkie. IT escalated, and now I am not in her wedding. We haven't spoken since August. Even a Bridezilla episode makes me bawl about now.

I feel like I lost so much, for nothing. All I have is my husband, my dogs, and my friends on here.

Bless your heart. It's hard not to take things personally when you have given so much of yourself to a person who is so selfish.

It's easy for me to say I'd be done with her, but I have never been in your shoes. You have already done so much for her, but it seems like she can't see that.

Would YOU be okay if you no longer had anything to do with her? Is that a realistic option?

I think the bottom line is you may end up sacrificing yourself for someone who will never say thank you and realize all that you have done for them. I know it must be exhausting dealing with it day in and day out, and it sounds like it's starting to take a toll on your other relationships.

At some point you have to do what is best for YOU. It seems to me you have done more for your friend than anyone else in her life. You are a true friend, but some point you are being self destructive in continuing this relationship. I think you might be the only person who knows when that time has come.

I'm not sure I helped much, but I think I would try my best to walk away and never look back. You have done all you can, including sacrificing yourself.

You have been the best friend she could ever ask for. Shes not going to understand untill she hits rock bottom and youve got to let her do it

In the five months she has been there, her Mother has been to see her only four times, and her sister twice. It is 100 miles away. They didn't come when they had her little ceremony for 90 days clean.

She said she was never going to her mother's for an overnite visit, but suddenly changed her mind. She gets a whole weekend away in december. her mother had the nerve to ask me if I would pick her up on Friday, bring her on Sat am to the babyshower, and then she would take her back.

I agreed, only because I know she misses her family. When I told her the plans, she blew up and said the only reason why she asked her mom to get her for 2 nights is so she could spend one night with this guy friend.

He is the last person she was with--and she has trichomoniasis. 4 rounds of antiobiotics haven't cured it yet, but all she thinks about is this guy.

She hasn't purchased one thing for baby, and husband says we are not spending any more than what we would for a normal shower gift.

The whole thing breaks my heart.

Who is going to care for the baby when it's born?

I think you are doing the best you can but to some people the best is never good enough unfortunately. :(

The rehab actually has a home for mothers with kids, so he will get to stay with her.

Her doctor happens to live in my neighborhood. He asked her if she planned on giving the baby up for adoption. I don't think he feels she is emotionally ready either. Then he asked her in front of me if I was going to be raising the baby. I go to every doctor's appointment with her.

Oh goodness! I know how easy to take on the problems of others, especially when it comes to an innocent baby, but it is NOT your responsibility to raise this child or take care of your friend. You are clearly being taken advantage of. I'm sure the doctor didn't mean anything harmful with his remark, but I'm guessing it only served to make you feel guilty like you should be doing more...(though I can't imagine what else you could be doing for her).

My guess is your friend will start talking to you again when she wants something from you, and you will only end up feeling worse.

I'm frustrated just hearing about the situation.

Is there someone (a counselor) YOU could talk to about this situation? I know there are several organizations specifically for friends and family of addicts.

Trust me on this one.....life is too short to continue such a toxic relationship. If after explaining to your friend your feelings, she does not change her behavior you need to move on. As much as it may hurt you to do so, it's not really fair to yourself or your husband to allow her to make you miserable.

The thing is, a few years from now, she will be the same addicted, selfish person, and you will have wasted time that is better spent doing something more productive and pleasing.

Good luck!

Oh my gosh. I have no advice for you but you sound like you've been such a fantastic friend to her and everyone needs someone like you in their lives. I'm sending prayers, hugs, and good thoughts to you.

First of all, you are an incredible person. She may take years to realize that.......or she may never realize that. But you are. I STRONGLY suggest you should look up an Al-ANON group near you. you will find people in your same position, you will comfort, answers and ways to not be an enabler, but still be there for her. It is good for you too as far as learning how she practices her steps if she is toremain sober. You may ask her rehab for resources also. Best of luck to you. You are a real angel. ;)

Are you trying to help her cause you're hoping things will go back to being what they once were someday?

Cause its never going to be the same. You have to face reality about that. You have been the best friend you can be to her. You have gone beyond what most would...even her family. And you are at risk for losing your husband...cause you do realize he eventually is going to get sick of it too, right? So now she is not only screwing up her life...but also taking you down with her. THIS IS NO FRIEND!! Friendship is not a one way street. It's obvious she doesnt want help. My advice would be to break the ties...go on with your life...know that you did everything you could...and start involving yourself with people that actually care about your friendship. There are too many good people in this world!!

Oh goodness! I know how easy to take on the problems of others, especially when it comes to an innocent baby, but it is NOT your responsibility to raise this child or take care of your friend. You are clearly being taken advantage of. I'm sure the doctor didn't mean anything harmful with his remark, but I'm guessing it only served to make you feel guilty like you should be doing more...(though I can't imagine what else you could be doing for her).

My guess is your friend will start talking to you again when she wants something from you, and you will only end up feeling worse.

I'm frustrated just hearing about the situation.

Is there someone (a counselor) YOU could talk to about this situation? I know there are several organizations specifically for friends and family of addicts.


I see a counselor affiliated with the rehab 2x per month for this. She says that they work on social skills there, HA!

Her advice was to 1) put all of her items in a storage shed, and pay the rent out of my friends money--say 6 months.

2) To let her figure her problems out on her own, stop being her problem solver (which I was very guilty of)

At this point, I am just thinking about closing the account I opened for her, and taking a cashier's check to the rehab, and to let them deal with it. I mentioned this to "friend" and she said she didn't want them to have control of it. If I give it to any of her family, it will be gone, and I could be sued, since I am her POA.

Yes, everyone is right. My husband is so mad over the entire thing. He refuses to talk about anything that involves her, unless it is something negative (telling me how sorry she is).

Even my Dad, who was the main one encouraging me to stand by her says she is a lost cause, and to walk away.

I just get so scared that she will try to harm herself again, and this baby will be parentless. Her sister has 2 kids and says she WILL NOT take one, and their mother forced friend to give a child up for adoption when we were younger, because she said she raised her kids and will NOT raise more.

Thank you. Yes, she always throws up how she is bettering her life, blah blah, but I told her she has no alternative BUT to stay in rehab, she lost her home! She could be there, or in one of their apts for a while, because there are over 700 people on the waiting list for housing assistance in our parish.

That is one positive.

I tell her all the time a day clean in rehab is nothing. A day clean on her own is what counts.

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

I am sorry you are having to deal with so much. You have been a wondeful friend and while she has so many issues you can ony do so much for someone. they have to help themselves. You could end of destroying your marriage and more friendships. Maybe in a session with her and the counselor you can tell her you will be there for her but set some rules when she visits etc. Hopefully one day when she works through her problems she will see who was there for her. Good luck you sound like a very special person.

Oh hun, I know you are just trying to do what's best. However, you are enabling her. Enabling her to be irresponsible, rude and selfish. Addicts have to hit "rock bottom" before they will actually change. You have been a pillow over the rock bottom. She needs to hit it and deal with it on her own.

You helped her get into rehab, which was an amazing thing to do, and the right thing. However, she needs to take it from there. What is she going to do for you if your marriage is ruined by this (and it can be)??? The answer is nothing.

You need to put her things in pre-payed storage, return her money, and discontinue being power of attorney. Guaranteed she will burn through the money, and become very lonely when she realizes she burnt all her bridges. However, this needs to happen. She is in a safe place, so you don't have to worry about her being in the street, and it needs to be up to her at this point.

Focus on YOU and your family and relationships. Bless you for being so caring. I am completely jaded from what I do for a living, but can honestly tell you this is not going to change until she hits hard.

Thank You. I told her up front what the rules were when she visited. I told her I expected her to participate in whatever I had going on, whether it be a movie, a non-alcoholic party, etc. I have had something planned EVERY visit, because the rehab says they are supposed to learn what sober people do. It has been as simple as having the neighbor kids over to play wii, and eat popcorn and sodas, or go to a movie. She is always reluctant to do it, but ended up having a blast.

The other rules are the rehab's for home visits, no phone calls except family, no male visitors, and NO isolation. What is the point of her coming here if she just wants to hole up in her room?

Anyway, if she would have walked over there, sat for 30 minutes, and told me she was tired, I would have understood. It p'ed me off she wouldn't make an effort. It didn't benefit her, so she didn't care who she embarrassed. My neighbors kept apologizing and asking what they did to make her want to leave. My husband told them that she isn't interested in anything other than sitting alone and drinking.

She tried to say she was embarrassed because we are all the same age (34) and she was the only one single, pregnant in rehab. I really feel she has some deep seated animosity towards me because I am married.

I have, unfortunately, first hand knowledge of this. My brother died of a drug overdose. You have to cut the strings. Let her know that you are there when she is better, but right now she is NOT better - she is still self-destructive. Part of her getting healthy is to do it entirely on her own. A clean day in rehab isn't "nothing"; but you are right in that it isn't enough. She has a long road ahead of her and the way she is acting right now isn't very promising IMHO. Let her go - she'll come back some day and she definately will remember all you've done for her. You're a great friend. :)

You are right, I should't have minimized the fact that she IS in rehab, I said it out of frustration.

I get so tired of her preaching about how much she has changed, when her actions say otherwise. Right now, she is in a controlled environment where she has no choice BUT to succeed. She is also not so stupid that she would jeapordize the baby by drinking. The rehab is her saving grace, she has not CHOICE but to do what they say, or she will be homeless!

I am also tired of hearing her laugh and make fun of the other women there. She thinks she is better. She lost her home, and her job. Dependency on drugs and alchol caused her to be involved with a married man for 14 years, instead of finding someone that would marry her.

The only reason WHY she is there, is because I forced the issue. I met with her Dr. and caseworker with her mother, and gave them the dates and times she had been in hospitals/short term treatments, so they would not release her until we had a safe supervised place for her. I went to her home and packed her belongings, and drove her the 100 miles straight to the rehab. She was never alone, or even returned to her home, after that point.

I hope I did what the Lord wanted me to do in this situation. Maybe my purpose was met, and it is time for me to leave her..

She hasn't been clean for long enough yet, like someone else said, she is still self destructive. She will take advantage of anyone that will let her. She needs tough love until she realizes she has to stand on her own two feet.
In the end if she gets through everything and can stay sober, she will remember what you did, and probably feel a bit guilty about how she treated you. It's not easy helping addicts who are trying to recover, and you've done everything you can to help. :)

Thank you. Her mom texted me and told me this whole situation is MY fault because NO ONE made me let her come to my home, blah blah. I get so sick of being blamed. I did what I thought was right (supporting her), and the light bulb finally has came on that SHE DOESNT CARE, so I am going to step back from the situation, and see what happens then. I'm sure it was meant for me to learn something from this :)

So true. Also you have to remember to take care of yourself and you also have a hubby. Sometimes we have to worry about ourselves because others will bring you down and then you are of no use for either yourself or your friend. She is in a place that knows how to take care of people with problems maybe it's time to let go till she finds her way. Good luck

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this and it sounds so much what I had to deal with my alcoholic (ex)husband for 8 years...

At the point where I coudn't handle it anymore I went to ALANON and learned 3 important things:

1. I was an enabler
2. You teach people how to treat you
3. find out what the reward is you are getting out of 'helping' the addict

I know that sounds harsh and it hurts a lot to learn this lesson but I finally was able to get out of this vicious circle and my own life back on track.

We all are praying for you and your family!

I know it's hard but you need to sit down and look at priorities.
1. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
2. You have a family of your own (and children) Children do not need to be exposed to this behavior.
3. Your husband (and you?) is working to make ends meet in this ecomony and by supporting her you are taking away from your own family. She has shown by her selfish, drug and alcohol related behavior that she really could care less about others.
4. She is not your responsibility. I commend you for trying to accept it but her own family has had enough. She needs to accept responsibilty for herself and not blame others for her misfortune. I feel for this child but the child is not your resposibility. Hopefully something good will happen for the child but if she continues on this road.....
5. She has an outside visit coming up---do they test her when she returns for drugs and alcohol?
I wish you luck. Please do not feel you have failed her--she has to take the responsibility and until she is able to do that she will continue to use and blame others. I would just explain to her once and for the last time that you love her as a friend but that the time has come that you need to take care of yourself for a change.

Yes, she has an off-site visit coming up, next weekend. But she will have to stay at the rehab because I am NOT getting her, and her Mother still has to come to 3 more support meetings before she can take her the second week in December. Her sister's husband will not allow her to come to his house, because she begged for them to pick her up, asked them to take her to the store to fill her prescriptions, and then she od'ed in their back seat. They didn't know what she had done until they got back to their home and she was too incoherent to get out of the vehicle. Their kids were in the house, and could have witnessed it all, so he has a major grudge. (I don't blame him)

They keep making excuses for her, and chalk all this up to us being tired of another. I know they are upset, because they know she will be relying on them for everything.

To answer someone elses question, I have not supported her financially SINCE she has been in rehab. I got power of attorney, opened an account for her, and only withdraw a small amount of money per week for the things she needs/wants, within reason. We always pay for her meals out/entertainment when she is with us though, because we wanted her dollars to last to buy baby items. But she has not purchased the first thing, and she is due January 26th.

I never wanted to be in control of her money, but her sister AND mother were stealing from her. The first thing they did with her last pay checks, was pay themselves back for the money they felt she owed them, and then paid all her back utilities, etc (which could have waited), but her mother wanted everything up to date, because she was going to try to buy the house FOR HERSELF. So when my friend needed cigs and tolietries, they told her they had no money.

My husband and I bought her everything she needed, I drew up a revokation and had her sign it, made myself power of attorney (because she didn't want the rehab in control of her money) , and changed her address so I was able to get her state and federal income tax checks, which was about $2600.

Yes, they do test her regularly. She hasn't had an opportunity to get any drugs or alchohol since she has been there, because the only time she has been free is with me. I poured all my beer down the sink before her first visit, and hid my vodka in the garage :p. As selfish as she is, I still don't think she would do anything to knowingly harm the baby (other than still smoke)