Long Distance Relationships...Do They Really Work??
 

Normally I don't like to blab to much about my personal life, but I find myself in a bind, and don't know who to ask. I do however share funny stories for the HOWYW game thread! :p I've seen a lot of wise advice given to others for anything from puppy problems to personal ones, and I'm hoping some wisdom could be shared with me.
My boyfriend of over 2 years recently told me that he might be moving out of the country for school purposes. So my question to all of you out there in YT land, Do long distance relationships really work? :confused::confused:
My best friend, keeps pressuring me to make a decision. She keeps pushing for me to go with my boyfriend and move out to a new unfamiliar country to stay with him, or to give him an ultimatum to make my boyfriend stay here. I think this is really unfair for me to do that to him.

The only examples I have for long distance relationships are my parents, and they are now happily married for almost 27 years. But I've also seen a lot of negatives from friends' experiences.... let's just say he turned out to be a cheating liar:eek:
So is it silly to belive that a long (and I mean LONG) distance relationship can work?

Long Distance Relationships DO WORK ..... IF YOU want them to work ....:)

Sounds like a hard decision to make ..... :(

Me and my Hubby have been separated for over 1.5 years at one time (I got to see him 14 days out of that) ... it is his Job (Military) and this will be VERY rough for you and him ..... but you will make it ..... or you just go with him to the other country and see how that works out ..... you can always go back home .... :)

I don't think I'm ready for a big move, I was kinda looking forward to vet school either next year or the year after that. I haven't looked into vet schools where he's going, and it's not like he invited me to tag along with him. Maybe I should have added that tidbit. I don't want to invite myself without him inviting me first....

You haven't mentioned the "L" word. Do you love him? In a 'want to live my life with you ' way? If you do then I would advise you thusly:

Go with him if the opportunity is there. You can't really force him to stay. He would probably be resentful of that no matter if he wanted to be resentful or not. If he considers what he is doing to be the best for his education, I would not even try to get him to stay.

What country is it? Do a lot of research on what it is like there. If you were to go and find that it isn't for you, you could always come back knowing you made the effort. It isn't unusual for someone to go to live in another country with their partner. People do it all the time. Look at all the service wives that do it. It's not forever and I would think it could actually be an exciting thing.

Of course, like I said...this is all predicated on loving him. If you only 'care' for him it probably wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I'm going to take the hard line on this. If he hasn't asked you to go with him, that would settle it for me. Does he have to move or does he just want to move? Is it a suttle way to break up with you? Does he talk about keeping in touch, visiting while he's there? Is he moving there to stay or planning to come back? I guess I'm a little cynical, but if he's moving to another country and didn't ask me to come with him, I'd consider the relationship pretty much over. Long distance relationships can work, but they have to be very strong and both parties have to want it to work.

I honestly do not know if long distance relationships work or not, but I do know this... Don't be pressured by anyone to do one thing or another. You and your boyfriend really need to be comfortable in the situation. Sometimes our friends and family think they know what is 'BEST' for us. Their opinions matter to us and sometimes those opinions are not right for us. So you & your boyfriend really need to decide what you want to do going forward together.

I should have read everything BEFORE I posted.

I had added another paragraph to my original post then took it out and posted. It kind of touched on this.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I am totally in love with him. I wouldn't move ANYWHERE where I couldn't see him almost everyday unless he came with me. He is not holding me back from reaching dreams or goals or anything, he is truely my other half and my life wouldn't be the same without him in it daily. I wouldn't even consider it. However I am almost 32 and he is 39, we are not school age, we have previous experiences in our lives before we met each other. So neither of us have the urge to expand in that way.

If you guys are YOUNG (early -mid 20s) then do what you want to do, else you could end up regretting it. Whats meant to be will always find a way!

I knew I forgot to mention something. I do love him in the "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you" kind of way. We've spoken about marriage, but being what we beleive to be sensible, we don't want to take that step until we're both stable financially enough.
And I have thought of "he'll resent me later on" if I ask him to stay. In fact I've tried to be as supportive as I can. He wants to move to Bolivia, where he has family because med school is easier to get into and more affordable. I personally think it's a mistake since he is planning on returning and practice medicine here. I don't think he'll be as successful. BUT, if this is something he wants to do, I'm behind him 100%.

Trust me, I've thought about that too!!! I guess we're both cynical! :) I don't know any of the answers to the questions you ask, which is something that I've asked myself over and over for the past 2 weeks since he told me. It's driving me crazy....

Thank you for your input, I'm really appreciating all the inputs.
The thing about my best friend is that she surprised me by turning out to be the kinda girl that when she found the guy she was looking for, she jumped in, got married and had a kid, a beautiful baby boy that I'm lucky enough to call my nephew. This worked for her and even through her pregnancy and home responsibilities managed to finish her BS.
Thay being said, I understand why her push for me to make a choice, and to make the choice to follow him to South America is because it worked for her. I just don't think I could do it....I'm scared! :(

Thank you so much for your input. I think if I faced a situation of moving to another state, I would do it in a heartbeat! (Even though I've always said I'd never leave my Sunny California!!!!) No second guessing, or anything, mostly because I know there is an opportunity for me to finish my education anywhere here and still be able to come back to Cali and set up my own clinic here. I know that sounds selfish but that would be my dream come true!!! Crossing international lines on a 13 hour flight....I'm going to need an oxygen tank in his suitcase! :p

First and foremost, don't let others (your best friend) force you into making a decision! She needs to back off a bit and let you think on your own. They may have your best interest at heart but sometimes can lead you in the wrong direction!
This is a big decision for you. I do believe in "if its meant to be, its meant to be". I wouldn't want him deviate him from what he wants to do especially if this is something taht will effect him for the rest of his life. There's nothing wrong with going to school in another country and coming back to the US and doing your residency here. A lot of doctors do it and they are all good doctors. Getting into medical school is brutal, I know because my sister went through it and is doing her residency now. She ended up going to get her masters in public health first since she didn't get accepted to medical school that year. So I would support him.
Now as far as you, it depends if you have your own plans. You need to focus on what you need to do with your life. I think going to vet school is a brilliant idea! School will keep you busy and lead you in the right direction as far as your future.
Your other option is to move with him and pursue your vet school there, although there may be a language barrier there? Don't want to put your goals on the back burner for him and then resent him later! How close is he to moving? How come he hasn't asked you to move with him? Maybe you can find out if he would mind you coming along and make your decision from there on.
Good luck to you, this will be a difficult decision, thats for sure!!

In my opinion they don't work, but that is just from what i've seen and heard. Everyone i know that have tried it ended up breaking up, but im sure there have been some that have worked. I just know for me it would def. not work, i need to see my bf almost everyday lol

Thanks for your input. I was hesitating bringing my problem here, but it turns out to be the smartest thing I've ever done!! Seeing everything laid out in front of me is easier than just having it run over and over in my head.
Language barrier? Somewhat, it's a spanish speaking country and I do speak spanish, but I'm use to reading, writing, and just overall studying in spanish, and the same goes for him. That's one of my biggest concerns for him. I'm also worried that by him moving, and this is from my understanding based on what he's told me, all his effort that he has put here in the schools here would be thrown out the window and he's going to start all over again, which defeats one of the purposes of him going.
How close is it? He would be leaving

Another important fact that I failed to mention, he hasn't decided yet. He's not sure if to finish his BS here and continue on to Med school, or leave everything behind and start over in a new place. I on the other hand I am about to finish my BA in June.
PLEASE let me know if I'm over sharing!! This is just very stressful for me!

NOP!! i personally dont think so. im not trying to burst the bubble or anything but the chance of each other cheating only gets bigger if u guys arent around each other. If im w someone in a relationship i would wanna see them everyday. Sorry but this is what i think.

I don't think you are oversharing, this is a legimate concern for you and a tough decision to have to make.
I still think your friend has to stop pressuring you to go with him or not. She is in a stage where she is soooo happy in her new marriage with her new child, she wants everyone around her to be that happy. Thats typical and common and I don't blame her but whats good for one is not necessarily good for the other. Try not to let her influence you too much, when outsiders put pressure on your relationship like that it has the potential to severly jeapordize the relationship.

I, for one, can attest that long distance relationships CAN work. My hubby and I started dating during my senior year of high school. I went to NY for school (about 4 hours away) and we kept up our relationship. Fast forward a few years after I graduated and we were separated again-- he served a year and a half in Iraq. Long distance relationships ARE possible. They are a lot of work and committment and you need to be sure you really want to do it but they can be totally worth it in the end. Just be sure to be open and honest at all times.

As far as him not asking you to move with him, if it were me I know I would probably consider that by not asking it meant that he didn't want me there BUT maybe he knows how much of a sacrifice this would be for you to make and therefore he is nervous to ask or would feel guilty for asking you to move with him. Just like you wouldn't want him to resent you for asking him to stay maybe he doesn't want you to resent him for asking you to come.

You need to talk to your BF about this and be really honest about your feelings.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Hmmm, the fact that you've been together for 2 years - yet he didn't ask you to go with him feels odd to me, especially when you mentioned that you've "talked of marriage". Also, when you said you both wanted to get married, but wanted to wait until you were "financially stable" - I didn't get that. What does love really have to do with money or being financially stable? I can understand wanting to wait for stability when it comes to kids. But if you have REAL, lasting, deep, love here - then why wouldn't you both want to BE in this journey together already? Whether it was to be here, Bolivia, or wherever? And, no matter whether the finances were just right yet or not?

I guess my point is, I'm sort of wondering if you both really want this or not. Because, what I see from the outside is - the two of you noticing or creating a lot of barriers instead busting through all of them so that you can be together. But, that's *just* from the outside - and could be totally wrong!!! :)

Alllllll that said, if this is real and meant to be - and you love each other - it won't matter if you're here or there, it will work out for you two. It may be difficult and trying, but it will. :)

I understand your concern, and I do think it's credible but there is something you are missing.
Religiously, I'm catholic, not devout, but enough to beleive that marriage is a one time only thing. Divorces, especially in this country, statistically most end over financial instability. Taking that into account, and also considering that we both have ambitious dreams of becoming doctors, that alone will take a financial toll on each other and I'd rather not fight about finances with him. Ideally the only "debt" I'd like hanging over my shoulders as a married woman is a mortgage and maybe the last bit of a student loan. That's just my crazy idea.
Call me a romance killer, but I'd rather be realistic. If and when we get to that point in our lives I'd rather us be in a good solid place both emotionally and financially. I'd like to offer my future husband, whether him or someone else (I'd really like it to be him though :p) I'd like to be able to offer him more than just love, but have a good start to our marriage and maybe and I mean MAYBE have kids one day, but in the very far future.
By saying the we've "spoken about marriage" I meant we've talked about it and I guess we've decided that we were "the one" for each other and but marriage now, even without the prospect of him moving away, is not an option.

Yes I know, I have crazy ideas, but I have a long term plan and I was really hoping to stick to it. It starts with Point A- me getting my BA, and ending with Point B- me operating my own veterinary clinic. My plan includes scholarships and work contracts that will help me pay for school and guarantee work for right after graduation and has the possibility of assistance with opening up my own clinic. I know it sounds to good to be true, but it's a program and my first step is getting in and it's unfortunately only offered here in the states. I've done my research and this was going to be my bridge to safely get myself from point A to point B.
I've found a plan that will help me pay for school, which without a doubt will be pricey, and he's found one, it's just something that will take him to another part of the world. He knows of my plan and like JRo says, it is possible that he didn't ask me to go with him since it seems that I have a solid plan for the next few years and disrupting that kind of "solid" plan might end with me resenting him for it, as I am afraid he'd resent me for asking him to say. It's also possible that he doesn't want me to go. I'm to chicken to ask!!! But I'm hoping it's the first one :)
Which brings me to this thread. His new plan (if he decides to go through with it) will take him to another part of the world. My plan keeps me here. The way I see it there are 3 options:
1) I re-do my plan and move with him (I already have my parents blessings for this)
2) He re-does his plan, and stays here (again, this is assuming he decides Bolivia is his best option)
3) We each keep our plan and move ahead. His plan will eventually bring him home, back to the good ol US of A, just meanwhile we'd have to give it a go with a long distance relationship.

Which brings the question, Do long distance relationships really work?

I know that's a long response but I hope that clears up a few questions.

I just read my own post and think I come off a bit harsh! No, I'm not an unreasonable person and can be flexible. I'm not incredibly rigid!:D If the opportunity arises and requires me to be flexible I will be glad to change my plans.
However, I do think one of the beauties of love and relationships is that it is based on give and take. In the spirit of fairness, I do think we both (my boyfriend and I) will have to make sacrifices. I think that's the only way we'd both be happy with anything we do decide to do.:)

Ive been in a long distance relationship for the past 3.5 years and were still going strong! We have had our ups and downs just like any other couple. Don't get me wrong..its hard. Especially when you have had a hard day and just want to see your boyfriend. I don't see how anyone can say that they can never work...that's just an assumption and you know what they say about assuming..

Of course they can work! The doesn't make it easy though. :( I was always one to get tired of someone really quickly--within weeks, a month or so tops. Basically before I ever really knew the person. For me, being around someone I hardly knew too much from the start was like overkill. When I started dating my husband, I was really swamped in college and didn't have much time to devote to a relationship, and not long after we started dating, he started working out of town during the week. So basically I saw him on Saturday night. Then he started working out of state, cross country for months at a time. I honestly think that if that had not been the case, I would have lost interest in him too. So it was really a blessing in disguise.

If you guys have been dating for 2 years already, then it seems like you have a pretty solid relationship that could last if you make it. Nothing in life is promised, there are people who have been married or together for 10, 20, 30 years that come to realize it just ain't workin' out and go their separate ways. Any relationship is only as good as you make it.

Thank you for your words! You have no idea how much I appreciate them!!!! :)
I was starting to feel like I was the only one in the world that thought spending 24/7 with a new boyfriend was over doing it. That's not how I started my relationship with my boyfriend. We both have school responsibilities and would see each other whenever our schedules would allow it. And we were going to the same school and sometimes in the same class! But we would never get paired off into the same group, and the projects for those classes were just time consuming. (just to give you a taste: we did genetic testing for cancer in sample DNA and DNA testing like for "who's my baby's daddy?" types of situations) Sometimes our hang out time would be when we would meet with each other's group to work on projects. We did make the effort to make alone time just for us and go out and have fun, it just usually had to wait until all the big projects were finished. And it's been that way ever since. I don't need to see him all the time, but I wouldn't turn him away either. I LOVE spending time with him.:)
With all of you that have so graciously shared their story with me I would like to say THANK YOU. You've given me confidence that in one way or another this has a chance of working out. I haven't completely decided what I'm going to do, who knows, maybe this time next year I could be chatting along with all of you from Bolivia :p. All I know is that with your kind words and your shared stories it has put my mind at ease.
I SINCERELY THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

A question and a comment from me...

Question: Did he ask you to go with him?

Comment: I think it would be totally unfair to ask him to stay. This may be a chance that he'll never get again and I feel that you need to support him in his endeavors.

To answer it simply ofcourse it can work!
I really believe in our fate being decided already and if its meant to happen it will! No matter how hard you try you can't change that!
Don't beat yourself over the head, you're fine! I actually admire that you have a plan and have goals, its the only way you'll get somewhere! So I say keep focused on your plans and see what he decides to do. He will miss out on a wonderful relationship if he decides to not keep in touch/not come back to the US. It will be his loss.
My last post got herrendously:eek:long and I forgot to mention that I was in a long distance relationship myself. I met him in high school, went off to college, but the college was 50 miles so I saw him over the weekends! Then we decided to take a break, he moved to Texas and I stayed in California. We both loved each other (It was my first love, so you can imagine it was hard for me) but weren't sure if we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives together. I accepted it overtime and actually started enjoying being single and hanging out with my friends. He called me out of the blue a year and a half later, good thing I still had my same cell phone number! He missed me and wanted to see me and ofcourse I missed him too. So we decided that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and if you really care about someone and they care about you, don't mess it up. We decided to do it right this time, got married and have been happily ever since:) So maybe my story itself is a lesson for you.
Take it how you want, just thought I share.
I like your straight forward attitude, this is exactly how I am;)
Good luck to you and keep us updated.

I have not once asked him to stay, I too think that would be extremely unfair. The only input I will ever give is whatever he asks. If he asks for my opinion then I'll share it with him. I'm just trying to say that I'm not being naggy or clingy, or in anyway making him feel bad for wanting to go study somewhere else. He himself, with none of my influence, is undecided since he would have to give up a lot of comforts and so on. I'm really trying to stay out of his decision, however I have things of my own to decide. I try to put myself in his position, and I will respect whatever it is he decides to do.
I just wanted to know of long distance relationships can be successful. I'm not trying to fool myself, I know if it does come down to being apart, we will have to put extra effort into making it work. That's the message I'm getting from the lovely people that have shared their story with me.

Your post made me smile!:) Sometimes I think I come across as cold hearted though for wanting things of my own. Don't worry, my posts are extremely long as well.:p