Love, why does it have to hurt?
 

14 years ago, I was going to marry my boyfriend. We had everything ready, it was going to be on October 10th, 1994. I was in love, and the happiest person in the world. 10 days before the wedding boyfriend comes to my house to tell me that he has something very important to tell me. We sat down and he told me that he had to leave out of the city for work reasons, I told him that he didn't have to worry about anything because everything was ready for the BIG day. He looked at me and told me that there wasn't going to be a wedding. He didn't want to get married, he wanted to live and have fun and meet girls and be single for a long time before he decided to get married. I told him that I would wait for him as long as he wanted.... I was so in love, he was my first boyfriend, I didn't want to loose him. He told me that he didn't want me to do that and the reason of calling of the wedding is because he didn't want to marry me. I was in shock, I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die so bad. Life didn't make any sense to me without him.
He took off. Leaving me with the pain and with the embarrassment of calling people to tell them that there was no wedding. Sell all the stuff we had bought for our apartment. Fortunately, my family was very supportive and helped me with all that while I was in bed wanting to die.
I stopped going to school, I stopped going to work, I stopped eating. I slept all day for weeks, until Mom told me, you had to get up and go to a psychologist you can't be this way any longer. I went to a few sessions, but nobody could help me, my pain was so deep that it was killing me, but decided to do something and register for the following semester in college, and started working out. One night, Mom and sisters told me that ex boyfriend had gotten married to his neighbor!!!!. That was 2 months after he had dumped me!! needles to say, I went back to zombie mode...until one day my mom told me that she had everything ready for me to come to the US to study English, passport and visa in hand she told me you are living in 2 days, you are staying with your godparents and they are going to take care of you while you are there.
I came to the US and like it, everything was new to me I met new people, a different culture, trying to adapt to this new world was my challenge. Then I started to see things different and I liked being single! I started dating again.!,
It's been 13 something years since then and I'm now married and love hubby and love my life, yes we've had rough times, but no marriage is perfect, plus we love each other to let our marriage fail.
There was only one thing, I always said that If I saw my ex again, I would thank him for leaving me, because if I had marry him I wouldn't had the opportunity to live and discover the wonders of life and I would also ask him why he left me for that woman if he knew he meant the world to me.
Well, be careful what you wish for! he ran into a friend of mine last Christmas and my friend gave him my email address. I didn't know any of this until yesterday, my friend never mentioned anything to me.
Ex boyfriend emails me yesterday and tell me he thought a lot before he could email me, but he decided to do it.
When I opened my email last night I saw his name and I was like WTF!!!, so I read it and he tells me If I'm ok, that he wants to know about me and what's of my life and blah blah blah..... I reply back and ask him why he is emailing me what do you want I asked him. He just wants me to forgive him for what he did to me, he said that he acted like a coward. He knows he hurt me but he wants me to forgive him. I asked him if he was about to die or why he is doing this now.....why does he want me to forgive him??? I have so many questions, I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm confused.... Then he asks me at the end of the email if I'm happy in my marriage, because he is not!!! WTF!!!
I feel bad for replying, I shouldn't had done it, but I want him to know that he is not welcome back into my life at all.
All this just happened last night and today. I haven't old anything to my husband. He knows the whole ordeal, but he doesn't know about the emails. Should I tell him? or, should I not bother, since this isn't going anywhere?
What would you do?

Oh my goodness. I can't imagine what a battle that must have been for you...and for him to suddenly think it's ok to come back and ask you to forgive him...just like that. Idiot man! I don't know what to say as far as your husband goes? I mean...if you want to tell him...do you think he'll have a problem with it? I always figured it would be better to not have secrets in marriages...but if you don't think it's an important thing then I don't think it's necessary to tell him if you don't want to. Do you think he'd have a bad reaction?

Anyway. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Big hugs.

Tell him that you are sorry for his misfortune, but thankful for the life learning experience that he aided you in. I would also be sure to tell him that, as much as you would love to hear more of his sob story, he is married and that is the person that he should be turning to. Tell him that you are madly in love with your husband and that he and you have discussed the fact that your ex has emailed and you both are in agreement that he needs to NOT do this again.

:rolleyes:

I agree. As harmless as these emails seem to you...your husband might not think the same. In your heart of hearts...how do you think your hubby would react...should he find out months/years down the road that you were having this convo (with an ex that meant the world to you at one time in your life)...and you never told him?

If this was me...I would tell him about the emails.

dONT FEEL BAD ABOUT TELLING HIM THAT YOU ARE HAPPY. hE WAS ESPECTING YOU TO SAY OWTHERWISE. YOUR STORY SOUNDS TO FAMILIAR ALMOST AS IF I HAD WROTE IT MYSELF. HE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO USE YOU AS A WAY OUT OF HIS MARRIEAGE, THROUGH MANIPULATION. YOU DID GREAT. FOR YOUR SAKE, I WOULD NEVER READ HIS EMAILS AGAIN. THE PAST HAS WAYS TO SABOTAGE THE PRESENT. BE ALERT!!!:clapsmile

Boy I do not know what to tell you!
but i would not accept his email- and let it go- just like he did years ago!
That's just what I'd do- if it was me!

Great advice!
I'm not in the exact same boat, but I had a boyfriend once that I thought I was madly in love with. He turned out to be the kind of guy that "loves" you one minute, and then disappears the next. He ended up breaking up with me via text message and gave me an explanation via e-mail. I got a lame story about how my his old gang buddies turned on him since he left the gang and blah blah blah. He too quickly moved on with someone new. I think he was already seeing her while he was dating me. I was devastaded! I was sad. Luckily, 2 years after the breakup I too found someone great. We've been together for over 2 years. A few weeks ago the ex sent me a message as yours did.
I was annoyed and I too wanted to thank him and rub it in his face how great my life is now. First thing I did was tell my boyfriend. He's my bestfriend and I knew he would understand. We had a good laugh about it and that was the end of it. No contact whatsoever, it's not really worth it. I know it's not the same magnitude of hurt your ex cuased you, but I think the moral of the story is it's in the past. Yes I know you want answers, you want explanations, but what will you really gain?
Re-opening old wounds? What he did was hurtfull but answers won't change the great life you have now. Focus on that, and just let him know he's no longer welcome in your life. If you know your hubby would understand, let him (the ex) know what's going on and do as TammyJM advices, tell him he's no longer welcome. ENJOY YOUR HAPPY LIFE!!!

bY THE WAY, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S BEST IF HE THINKS YOU FORGIVE HIM BY A MARE "THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE, EVERYTHING IS IN THE PAST" THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LOOK STRONGER AND MATURE, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S THE BEST REVANGE. "iT WAS NOTHING, JUST NOTHING". mOST OF ALL, MAKE SURE HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT YOU WHENT THROU:exclaim:

I like what Tammy has said.

I also think that from your reaction, you're still very "hooked in" to this man - probably bc he wounded you so terribly. This may be your opportunity to finally set those feelings free and unburden yourself. I don't mean unburden as in - let 'er rip. I mean - say something like what Tammy is suggesting and then affirm to him and yourself in the email: "Yes, I forgive you. We no longer are tied to each other in any way or have any connection to each other. The past is in the past and I let it go. I am happy my life turned out this way and I wish you well." Or something to that effect - so that you're setting the feelings free somehow and cutting the tie. And letting him know that he does NOT have his hooks in you. Hope it goes well.

That's a really good post. I really do think you should tell your husband. It is much better that he find out now than later on. I also think you should tell your ex- "of course I forgive you buddy!! In fact, I THANK YOU!!!! I would never have found the love of my life if things hadn't worked out the way they had. Hope everything works great for you."

Leave it at that. Seriously. Good luck!

I think you need to tell your hubby and out of respect for him, you and your marriage, let the ex be an ex and ignore him. He did you a favor as you said, now be true to that. A lot of time has passed and there's no need to rehash it and relive it. Don't do that to yourself, what's the point?

I know it's hard. Feelings sometimes over right the common sense. I'm sorry and I wish you well. You will make the right decision to you in the long run.

I just told hubby and he was fine with me telling him about it. He doesn't think much of the ex. He says "you snooze you loose" and ex lost :)
Hubby knows how much I love him.:)

Great advice!

I think you're suggestion is perfect! I hope the OP is helped by your words!!

:thumbup: just make it short and simple and end it there.. also i think you should definitely tell your husband.. there really shouldnt be any secrets in a marriage and he might be hurt if he found out you kept it from him. plus im sure you would not like it if your husband kept an email from you too!

I think the above posters have given you excellent advice – a short & sweet email confirming that you are happy and madly in love, and wishing your ex well is all that is needed. I wouldn’t have any contact with him from that point on … your history is just too laden with hurt and disappointment – any further correspondence probably wouldn’t be healthy for you or your marriage.

I called of an engagement to a wonderful person a few years ago. (Albeit 9 months before the wedding – certainly not days before). Since the day of the engagement I had had a persistent, nagging feeling that I just wasn’t ready for marriage – that there were things I still wanted to do first and I didn’t have peace about making a lifelong commitment just yet. I was afraid I would end up resenting my fiancé and blaming him for my thwarted dreams. So I broke the engagement, moved to Europe, got my MA and proceeded to have some of the best years of my life.

When I finally emerged from my *me me me* self-centered stage, I really reflected on the hurt I had caused my fiancé – at that time I did contact him and ask for forgiveness. I was wrought with guilt, and truly wanted to hear that he was happy … because he definitely deserved to be, and because I needed relief from my own agonizing sense of culpability. I was genuinely thrilled to hear that he was engaged to a wonderful woman who was so compatible with him, and it allowed me to completely close that chapter of my life and move on.

Give the guy that much … he might finally and honestly just have realized what he did to you and need to hear that you forgive him, even though your under no obligation to do so. But beyond that, you owe him nothing.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. In the end, my calling off the wedding probably saved my fiancé a lifetime of misery being married to me. ;) It sounds like your ex saved you from similar misery. Thank him for it, and move on.

And tell your husband.

Honey, block this guy's mail and don't ever think about him again! He's not worth your time. He'll only bring you more grief and he's given you enough of that for your lifetime. He's unhappy and wants to make you the same. Give him the old heave-ho and get on with your happy life.

Wow, I've been in this same situation before (just not so many years apart).
My boyfriend of 4.5 years and I broke up over 2 years ago. Of course I was devastated but I met someone else. We've been dating for 2 years now and I'm happy to be w/ him and in love w/ him!
I think like a year ago, my ex emailed me saying that he was still in love w/ me and always regretted us breaking up. At that point, I could careless about him so I just told him that. I think I pretty much said, "I'm sorry that you're not happy but that's not my problem anymore."

Your ex is only emailing you to make himself feel better and that is wrong. You just need to tell him that you're happy, you're sorry that he's not (even though you're probably not), and that's about it. He needs to leave you alone... don't be scared to tell him either! :thumbup:

I would tell him. Trust is a very important element in a marriage and little things like this can affect it. If you know that those emails are not going anywhere it's better to tell him. That way you'll be clean. If he sees those emails and you haven't told him he's gonna think you're hiding something, even if you're not. So, telling him it's a way of covering yourself of any misunderstanding. Anyway, your ex is the one who contacted you in the first place and you told him you don't want anything to do with him.
As a chistian myself I know I need to forgive, even if I'm hurt by people. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You choose to forgive someone because it's what God wants, even if I'm still hurt. God will take care of my healing. If easier to heal when you forgive than when you don't. That doesn't mean that you're ok with what he's done to you, but it means that you have overcome it.
You can tell him that you forgive him but you don't want to be in contact with him. You're a happy now and he only brings painful memories. I would tell him that you're sorry he's not happy, but that's a result of our own life choices.
I think that if you tell him that you don't forgive him it means that you're still hurting because there are still feelings going on. By telling him you forgive it means that your strong and you have overcome everything.
But that's just what I would do.

Good for you! Now I would end all contact with him! Because I can almost guarantee that if you don't, it will somehow end in heartbreak.
My guess is he was a loser and is still a loser.

Give your husband a big hug and thank God that you have a wonderful life with him :)

:hug:

I would say.........block your ex fiance and do not talk to him anymore. There is no need for him to be in your life anymore. You and him are past tense!

And to answer your question about if you should tell your DH that your ex emailed you...let me ask you this...if your hubby' ex emailed him, do you want him to tell you? Would you be upset or mad if he didn't tell you? If your answer is you will be upset that he didn't tell you about this. Then, there you go! You should tell your hubby about this ex email thingey then!

Good luck!

After I posted above post, I realized you already told your hubby!! Good for you!!! :D

since I am a bitter woman... left at the alter .. kind of... also... (3 years ago) I would say "NO, I do not forgive you. I despise you and always will. To me you are scum of the earth. My marriage is wonderful, I LOVE my husband more than anyone in the world. I've built a wonderful life in the US and I never looked back. Please lose my contact information and NEVER contact me again." Then block him.

Don't bother telling hubby since you don't want anything to go anywhere ... unless it bothers you enough to affect your home life. Forget about the ex. Hes an A$$ and deserves all the wrath that you can dish out. (((HUGS)))

I would tell the husband and post the ex's email address in the trash section, that way you won't receive any more emails.

You sound like a very wise young lady who is madly in love with her hubby. Also a very understanding dh. Be nice if there were more of you out there. Maybe there wouldn't be an over-50% divorce rate in our country. Hang on to what you have. Joanne

Good, now that you have told your husband, I would delete the emails & address, put it out of your mind & continue to have a wonderful life with your hubby!!

I agree with all of this. I did the same thing a long time ago. At the time, I felt it was for the best....you know, when things just don't work out the way you think they will and you try to elicit changes so it will, but it still doesn't? And you don't want to be a big whiner, so you just keep it to yourself, thinking (Like above poster says..the 'me, me, me" stage) "I deserve better"....so you've carried all those conversations on with yourself and make your plans but when the time comes, you're too big of a coward to face hurting the other person, so you just leave. I just didn't want to deal with anymore talking about it b/c I'd made up MY mind....years later, I realized how incredibly selfish and cruel it was, but I was too immature to deal with it matter-of-factly and humanely.
I have no designs on my ex at all, I'm not sorry I left him b/c I was convinced then, as I am now that we didn't have the same goals, but I'm sorry for the WAY I went about it. I should have been more considerate.
And maybe that's what your ex is trying to do, nothing more than apologize. I don't even need my ex's forgiveness; I wouldn't blame him for hating me forever, but it was important to me that he at least have the satisfaction of knowing that I was remorseful for being so unfeeling at the time. And part of that was b/c I felt if I talked anymore to him, he'd talk me into staying which I knew wasn't what I wanted. I think there's other people who are just as immature as I was and maybe he's just one of them.

I would def. tell your dh though about the email. He wouldn't like it if he found out somewhere down the line by accident, esp. if he knows you kept it from him. Then he'd wonder why and you'd have a big ball of wax on your hands:rolleyes:.

I'm glad you've moved on with your life; I just hope the guy's trying to let you know that it wasn't YOU; it was HIM and not trying to insinuate himself into your life again! Good luck!

Although, I haven't heard his side of the story, and I don't think I ever will. It's good to know the other side of the story throughout you guys. I mean for the ones who where on my ex's side shoes.
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but in a way I'm happy it happened. Otherwise, I wouldn't be married to my handsome, loving and caring husband :D. I don't think my life would be the way it is right now.
It hurt, a whole lot, but not anymore. Time healed the wounds in the heart.
I guess, in a way I'm happy he emailed me because I always wanted him to apologize to me, I never thought it was going to happen.
Yes, I do believe things happen for a reason. I'm a firm believer of that.
I haven't emailed him back yet about closing this chapter, but I will do it tomorrow, and that would be it.