I need Advice Please, regaurds to custody Issue.
 

Hi everyone,
Ok I in such a delimma right now. I am beside myself with saddness and worry. I sent my oldest daughter to stay with my parents in Washington until we could move up there. I was looking to finish school, and planned for it to be 1.5 years or less. Well as we all know life happens. Between a cancer scare for me, and a divorce action and reconcliation my daughter has been up there almost 3 years.
After I reconciled with my husband my parents (mother) litterally stoped talking to me. They became so angered over the idea I was going to stay with him, I was basically cut out of their lives. Including my daughters. My calls, text emails have mostly gone unanswered. I went up in April to try and see my daughter. My mom spent the entire time I was there following my daughter around telling her not to spend any time with me. I saw her for 3 hours, and in the end was told to F off, and to go to he%%, by my kid, whom had never acted this way before.

I returned home, and hoped to have them send her home for the summer, as she has come down here each year. I sent emails and made calls, the whole time they baited me along saying they would tell me the date next week. Instead they filed a restraining order against me, and filed for 3rd party custody.

I am crushed my parent would do this to me. I do not know what to do. I have been told for this case would cost me upwards of 10-15 thousand dollars to fight. I never did anything to my children to deserve this. Does anyone have any ideas on how to reason with them, how to get them to stop?

Has anyone had much luck with prepaid leagal? they have been telling me they can help, but I am thinking it is only to sell a service. Heck does anyone know of a attorney that could help us. We do not have a ton of money... we just dont. We have 5 other kids, and because we live in diffrent states it has complicated things. There is much more, but this is the basics. Sorry, if nothing else I needed to vent.

Thanks for letting me just get this out, sorry, I am just so frustrated.

Brandi

im so sorry that this is happening to you..i dont know what to say,but
i will send you some hugs cause you really need it.. good luck.

What county did your mother file in?

I'm sorry you're going through this. How old is your daughter? Do your other kids live with you? Is your husband your daughters father? I know these are personal questions and you don't have to answer. These are just the questions that came to mind as I read your post.

I am so very sorry for you. I know your heart must be breaking. Unless you gave up parental rights when you sent your daughter to Washington, I don't understand why you can't just take the Sheriff with you and "claim her".

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers :hands:

what about legal aid? I will have to ask my hubby tonight about it more... and then I will get back to you tonight... Im sorry you are going through this... ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not fair that people can get away with stuff like this... I will pray for you and your daughter... I hope your out come will be good for you! hang in there...

There are laws in some states that will terminate parental rights if that parent has not paid money for support or visited in a specific amount of time. Your best bet would be to call child services and find out if there is anything they can do. You would be surprised the power they have. However, you may want to consider the consequence if you do get her back with you if she feels this way.
Don't be upset with your daughter. Sounds like she has been given an ear full, but time always has a way of setting things straight.

Ok, here the the answer to a few of the questions that I see

They filed in King Co. Seattle Wa.
it contains if you can believe it one ex parte restraining order, and a 3rd party custody.

Yes we have 5 other children that live with us, all 5 are both my husbands and mine, the oldest and one in question is not his, but a high school stupidity...lol. He has not been in the picture really until now, they asked him to establish his rights in order to help them. He has seen her 4 times, and I kept in contact with him over the years.

Our daughter is 14, she IMO has been brain washed since feb. That is when my family stopped talking to me. I would call and be ignored etc.etc.

When I went out there in April they (police) said yes I had the right to take her, if I could get her in the car. My mom was great at helping to prevent that, now that they filed what they did. I cannot even contact them. There has been no abuse, although they allege there is. In fact I have been such a worry wart mommy, that my doctors have seen us often for to high fevers and anything.

They are saying she is better of there with grades and such, although she is failing 2 classes. Just the whole thing is so crazy. I had given them a power of attorney, something I was told they needed for school, but the courts said I could cancel it at any time. I canceled it in early April, they filed this may 21. I do not even know how they could do this, how they could stop us, and worse yet, how a judge could let them?

I am not angry with my daughter, at all. I blame my family. I know it will be tough, but we have a plan in place for when we bring here home, mostly just to love and encourage her. I also did visit regularly, and she came here before for summers and the holidays.

Okay, I'm sorry you are going through this. I work for a family law attorney in Snohomish County and we don't do much in King County.

Here are my referrals for you. If you go the the King County Bar Association website, King County Bar Association Home Page, there is a tab the says Legal Help and then Free Legal Assistance or Lawyer Referral Service. They should be able to put you in touch with someone who can help you.

Another option is Seattle Divorce Attorneys; Goldberg & Jones They mostly advocate for men but I do know they represent women too. They are very good and give free legal advice over the phone. 1-800-DIVORCE (they do custody matters also).

Good luck

WOW! I feel really bad for you. To me, it sounds like your parents (mom especially) is jealous of your daughter's love for you and is wanting to be her mom...with you out of the picture.

I know that it isn't cheap, but do what you can to find legal help. When I was younger, I looked into legal aid and was told that they couldn't help me because of their work load.

Just remember Karma...what goes around comes around! I just wish that you could personally talk to your daughter to find out what is going on! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that they have brainwashed her!

As far as the alleged abuse...is she accusing your husband and that's why your parents are upset that you reconciled?

My prayers are with you.

No my daughter has never accused him until now. My mom on the other hand has. Not that it is true, she even accused of of abuse, called CPS made such a case that they came out at 7 am, this was a while ago... anyways, when they came I thought it was a joke. We passed with flying colors, and they were surprised anyone would call on us. I did not learn till recently my mom did this, as she admitted to it!.

Yeah I would love to talk to my daughter, unfortunalty the only calls I have had from her in the last 3 months, have been when my mom is right there, and I can hear her telling her what to say in the background. I have talked to her 2 times since april, everything else they ignore.

I just do not know how they can do this.
Thanks for the info, I called them, and trying to set something up. Now I just need to figure how to raise the money, they are saying a 3-5 thousand retainer, but cant say for sure until the see the paperwork they filed...

Wish me luck.Thanks All, sorry I blew up earlier, I have been stressed...

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been through a custody battle in the past and it was ugly and expensive so I know how you feel. I think it is terrible for your parents to treat you this way. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and for your daughter. Praying you can reconcile with her.

Hey there Brandi. I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that you are having to deal with this. I also wanted to say that if you need anything, I am literally a few miles away in Middleton. In my field of work, I hear of this kind of thing often. Unfortunately, it seems like it happens frequently because the parents are well-established and can afford legal representation, knowing full-well it's going to be an extremely difficult battle for you to fight. Like I said, if you need anything.....

Maybe if you wrote a letter to your daughter and gave it to someone you trusted (make a copy) with all the things you want to tell her (good things, like how much you love her even if things aren't how you wish them to be..)Bring up some loving memories of her childhood so she can get a visual of your love and care as her mom..And so on...(but don't say anything bad about your parents even if you feel they are wrong, children seem to defend the adult that side with them) right now your health should be the most important thing going on, afterall, your attitude affects your health and you do need to stay healthy for the time you reconcile and you will eventually reconcile because it's sounds like a sincere person...Prayers help too...Sending some your way...

Thanks Everyone for your kind words.
 

I want to say Thanks for all the advice, I am trying to stay positive. Luckily, our 5...yes 5 other beautiful children are here with us and keep me busy. I just feel so lost at times, so angry with my mother for doing this. I took the papers I was served with to a local attorney yesterday. This womans mouth was literally dragging on the floor. Said she didnt understand how a mom could say and do such things. She also said it was clear my mother thinks she is my daughters mom.

Trust me I am not angry with my daughter, in fact each time I do talk to her, every email is filled with love and telling her I miss her so much. My mom tells her that is me trying to make her( my daughter) feel guilty...All and all the situation simply sucks, I did talk to a lawyer in Washington state last night...woohoo he seems promising. He actually nailed some of the things on the head, said she had to say these things to get a judge even to look at this case. Wow, I know one thing I will not stoop that low to make false accusations against her, I dont talk bad about them in front of the kids, or anything. I am not going to do anything to lose my daughter..

Thanks again for the advice and love, I appreciate it more than I can say..

First do not take anything I say as an offense. I do not know your whole situation or you personally but please take what I say into consideration. I was raised for a long time in WA and do know some of there laws. I was 9 when I moved into my grandparents home for "temporary" time being. Turned out I was happier being there. At the age of 10 I made the decision that I didn't want to go back. My grandparents were poor but still fought for me and my brother. It was a long battle and the judge took into consideration of what I wanted cause at the time a 12 year old was allowed to state where they wanted to be. I was also 14 before I admitted to anyone including my grandmother that I was sexually abused. The judges in Washington take in serious consideration what the minor wants. They have no issues in placing a child with grandparents instead of the actual parent. Dawn (my birth mother) did fight it in the beginning not believing that that was what I truly wanted. She believed I had been brain washed and that I wasn't allowed contact with her. I did tell her to stay out of my life and it was my choice and my strength that decided that. Maybe sending her up there really did affect her. Maybe she felt because you sent her away and not any of your other children that it was you saying wasn't good enough. Like I said I do not know your whole situation but please consider the possibility this is what she truly wants. And that wa laws are made for the child and that your parents have a really good chance at winning this becai you aren't even in the same state and your parents have been the active guardians for 3 years. I pray what is best for you and your family works out.

Oh and if what you said is true which I don't doubt you about the abuse situations on your part you can get court appointed visitation rights in supervised (quthout your mother) and I would suggest seriously sitting down and talking to your daughter. Find out what she wants. How she feels. Tell her what and how you feel but don't PUSH her. She is young anf yet she probably is like any other teenager and feels like she has the right to make all the decisions in her life. Not saying she should lol but we all know what teenagers are like especially stubborn ones. But you could do more damage you yalls relationship if she feels like you are backing her into corner and attacking her. Dawn told me all the time that she missed me and loved me to the point that we couldn't carry a real conversation. She needs to feel like you respect her. And especially if her grandparents are pushing her top it may make her rethink about who she feels more comfortable being with. But seriously get the court to allow you a one on one visit and talk with her. Don't plead or beg express your feelings but let her express hers. She is old enough and this serious enough to hold an adult conversation. But do tell her you love her and want what's best for her no matter what it is.

I appreciate your insight, but in some of the things you said I do disagree. For one, I did visit often, I called her all the time and she helped make the choice to move their in the first place, it was about the school there vs. here, personally I hate the school district we are in, when we moved we thought it was in the best in the state, turns out we missed it by 1 block...

She came here often as well during the summers and holidays, so I did not just send her up there, never talked to her again. I was as actively involved as I could be from 500 miles.

I also know from talking to her before she wanted to come home, we were waiting for summer as to not interrupt her school, but she said before this is what she wanted ( Feb. 3rd of this year) A week later she called us and confirmed again she wanted to come home as soon as school was out. The next week is when my mom learned about me and my husband reconciling, and that is when I was cut out, since that time I have talked with her only a few times where she has said something different, and my mom was in the background the whole time.

I did tell them all of them if she wanted to continue with school there I was fine with that. However I wanted her summers and all vacation holydays from school. That way we still would get her here in our family for a fair amount of time, and in the other months I would travel there. My family at this point filed for custody, and the restraining order. Now if it was only about her wanting to live there, why try to exclude us from seeing her at all.

As far as abuse, I no without a shadow of a doubt no one in our home would ever do anything. In fact I am so confident in that fact I would give free access for any agency to walk in and check us at any time. Without notice. I can also say that our children have seen the same doctor since we moved to this state, the schools are actively involved in our lives as 2 of our other children have more special needs. I have people that work with my 2nd oldest as she is hard of hearing so people that work for the state are around a lot.

Would there be no sign of abuse in that kind of actively, or would there not have been a single red flag somewhere.

I just do not see how my daughter could have changed so fast without being told horrible things about us. I just dont. I also know because our 2nd oldest was there for a short time. That things were being said, she was told they no longer needed to call us mom and dad, that they did not have to see us. To me that is my mom causing my children to alienate us. Yes I agree I made a mistake by sending her there. Trust me I regret it. Yet when I did I thought I was getting my daughter started in a school district that we were moving to, therefore preventing a move to where she knew no one in the middle of Jr. high.

I am not offended, I think you have some valid points. But I think in this case I am being shafted. I think my mom is doing this because they do not like my husband, and are mad I stayed with him. I think they are actively trying to destroy a relationship with my daughter. I do know as well, someday she will know, no matter what, I loved her enough to fight for her, to show I was not willing to give up, and stand up and say that no matter what she is my daughter. Something they have tried to undermine as well.

Then fight for her with all you got. As long as you know this for sure what she wants then try your hardest. You have a really good shot at getting her back completly or getting mandatory visitations like you want. I feel sorry for your parents not being to respect your wishes in making your marriage work.

Good Luck, Kids espically teens don't always know what is best for them in the long run. I stayed with my grandmother by choice and it was for the best, but I was always around my mom and sisters too.

Angie