Do you think I am being to harsh
 

We just put up a pool for our kids this summer. Yesterday it was all ready for the boy's to get in and enjoy. This boy came over in his swim shorts all ready to have fun in our pool with out being invited over. This kid is in the same grade ( 6) as my son Lincoln and he has never been nice to him at all for the 2 years that we have lived here, he calls him names and is a big bully to him. Lincoln was born 3 months early and has a speech apraxia, He gets B's and C'c despite having combined ADHD too he is also real small for his age, he looks like he should be in 3rd grade not 6th! he is only 53 pounds and is 12 years old. This kid calls him a "RETARD" :thumbdown and has attacked him physically at the bus stop and following him home after school. He has gotten in trouble in school for calling names too. I had to start walking to the bus stop before and after school to keep him from going after my kid. We even talked to the kids mother and Step father with the school principal and they blew it off. The school has stated that he is a problem child and bullies anyone and his parents don't do anything to get it under control:thumbdown

This kid lives around the corner and up one block from us, across the street from this kid is where my In Law's live and he will also torment Lincoln if we are outside when we go visit Grandma and Grandpa, wich is often being we are so close.

Anyway's I told him no that he was not allowed in the pool because he has never been friends with my 2 younger boy's, (the older 2 have nothing to do with kid, they go to different schools beings the were both in JR High this year.) This kid then came back about 2 hours latter and asked if Lincoln could come over to his house to play with him:eek: when I said no Lincoln did not want to go over to his house, he then asked if he could go out back and swim with them:confused: I told him NO way would I let him in the pool this whole summer, and that MAYBE he should of been being nice to Lincoln and Garrett BEFORE they had a pool that he wants to play in. he started to cry when he was leaving, I did not yell at all to this kid I am real nice and calm when dealing with children, I was real nice to him explaining to him all this so that he could understand were we were coming from, he is 12 so I know he can comprehend what was said So the tears were only because he wanted so bad to go into the pool and he did not want to hear the word NO. Because of this boy calling Lincoln names it has been so hard for him to make friends these past 2 years, I hate to be mean to kids but this boy is rotten to the core. Why should I think for one moment that once summer is over and the pool is down that he will start to torment Lincoln again If I let him go swimming? Sorry this is so long, it is just upsetting that this kid wants to be my son's friend once he found out we had a pool!

I dont think you were being harsh... you were protecting your sons and in a way teaching this bully that there are consequences for our actions...

I am sorry about your son being bullied by the kid. Is there a chance if you let him in to the pool and it will help build a friendship between them that will flourish later on? I have not much experiences with kid's behaviour. Hopefully it gets better for your son.

We put a pool in our yard last year too andwe also have a hot tub. All of a sudden lots of neighborhood kids want to come over. I think that just is natural. Ive never not allowed any of them to swim because My Daughter gets along with everyone. If there was someone who picked on her and she didnt like them they would not be allowed over. I would have told them much like you did so no I dont think you were harsh.

No, I don't think you were harsh at all! I actually think you were quite nice about it...alot nicer than I would have been because I would have already had his parents involved w/ the whole siutation. I have to say that if the kid's parents are not instilling any morals in him that would tell him the way he's treating your sons is wrong and they have done, and they send their kid off to swim at someone's house without even discussing it w/ you first, then I have to question their role as parents in general and would hate to think what they'd try to pull if heaven forbid, something should happen to this kid while he was at your house. KWIM?

I actually would find it satisfying knowing that you could finally do something about his actions in a round about sort of way by keeping him from getting what he wants--kind of like your own way of teaching him a lesson he seemingly deserves.

I wouldn't think twice about it--the pool is for YOUR family's enjoyment, not his.

I would have picked him up by the end of his swim shorts and deposited him on the other side of my fence!! I really have little tolerance for bullies and I hope that your little talk to him will make him think twice from now on. If he's such a brat he'll probably only be nice to Lincoln so that he can play in his pool and go right back to being a bully when he has his friends around to support him.

Maybe he'll grow up in a few years, but he'd have to prove to me that he changed before I'd let him in my pool.

I do not think you are/were being harsh.

However ... another way to look at this.... letting the mean boy come over in the pool where you can supervise his behavior with your son may forge a friendship with your son... a true friendship and allow Lincoln to have a better school year next year and have a kid who used to torment him, now be his friend. The pool may just be a way for this boy to realize that Lincoln is a pretty cool, fun kid. You never know how kids think.

Good Luck with your situation though! Remember you can always kick the boy out if he starts acting up or bullying your son while in YOUR pool/yard/house/etc...

WTG mom. I would've done the same thing. BTW, my son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 4. He is 19 now but I know what you are going thru.

I don't think you were harsh at all. If this boy is serious about being friends with your sons, he will prove it by doing so after summer and for the rest of the time they see each other. This boy needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. It's a shame that his parents/step parent have not taught him this.

Having said that, Maybe Lincoln can tell you if he wishes to befriend this boy. Kids sometimes (not necessarily all the time) have a six sense about other kids. If your son feels comfortable with this boy coming over, maybe the three of you could come to an agreement about it. The very first time he messes up, he's outta there-zero tolerance!

Good luck.

You did exactly what I would have done. If that's harsh then so be it. He doesn't deserve to swim in the same pool as your son.

I am glad that you all seem to agree with how I handled this bratty kid. 2 years of this kid being nasty to my son is just a bit much for me to forget and just let him hop in and use my kids because we have a pool. I did let my next door neighbors son and daughter in because they alway's play nice with my younger 2 and their son gets to spend the night 2 Saturdays every month( we take turns having the kids at each house)

I let this kid over last year when we got the Nintendo Wii and he showed up after hearing we had it. i thought maybe this would get him to be nicer to Lincoln at school, He played for the most part of the day. I let him over 3 more times because Lincoln asked if he could play, about 2 week later this kid was back to his mean nasty self. Lincoln thinks that he will just use him for his pool like he did the Wii, and he said he doesn't need a "fake friend".

We have been involved with his parents from the first time it was brought to our attention this kid was so mean. This year at the bus stop He pushed Lincoln down and kicked his head:eek: he got suspended for 3 day's for it and we were called to have an intervention with Lincoln and this kid and his family and the Principal. They were mad that thier kid got into trouble and got 3 day suspension, but cared less on to why he was tormenting my kid. I guess things have been bad and the school has suggested this child see a counselor to talk with and at first they did not want him to go, but now he is. I hope they are able to find out why he is so mean and bullies people like he does.

OK, maybe it is just because I think what this kid did was really horrible, but am I the only one that finds it...odd...that this 6th grader started crying because he didn't get his way? I mean, at that age, haven't boys reached that "I'm too tough to cry" point? I don't know, I've never really been around boys growing up to know, but that seems....well, seems like something he'd get made fun of for...kind of ironic (and funny) for a big, bad bully to go running off crying, don't you think?

I would have done the same. That sort of bullying might have continued in the pool and ended in someone (your son) getting hurt. So you know what it's better you said no.

His parents sound like a real piece of work. His behaviour is a direct effect of the way they raise him, the things they teach and what lack of tolerance they are teaching him. Very sad. It hurts to deny any child something so small that may bring enjoyment but at the end of the day it's best to keep your child safe and out of harms way.

I would like you to look at this from a different way. Bullies are created, not born. At the heart of every bully is a scared little child, who has learned to attack first. Bullies are usually bullied by their own parents, and I think other adults in the lives can have a tremendous impact in them learning socially acceptable behavior. If I were you, I would probably say, "I've thought about what I said to you, and think perhaps I haven't been fair, and I think I should give you a chance to make friends with my sons. I expect you to follow my rules and treat my sons and me with respect, is that acceptable to you?" Then I would watch the kid, and compliment the bully on the first acceptable thing he did, whether it's a joke or being nice to someone, it's so important to point out their "good" behavior because many kids only get attention for bad behavior. I'm one of those people who believe, "It takes a village to raise a child."

I don't think you were being harsh.

When I was a kid there were 2 or 3 neighborhood girls who tormented me all the time, calling me names, etc. No one else in the neighborhood had a pool. Well the day came that my father had a pool built and wouldn't you know all of a sudden I had all kinds of friends. Those girls who tormented me started talking to me. They asked if they could come over and go swimming. I made up excuses why I couldn't go swimming until they finally got the hint. They were definitely not my friends. They continued to try their best to get under my skin or hurt my feelings until we were all in high school....guess they finally grew up.:)

I agaree!!! but BROVO Mom!!!

GREAT INPUT!!!

GOOD FOR YOU!! You did exactly the right thing! I had an issue with a kid bullying my son years ago ( when my son was 9)..and he actually taught his dog to go after my son...and my son was attacked and severly injured by this Mastiff..these people were our next door neighbors...it evolved into a major law suit (which my son won). We had to sell our home and move (to a different town - different school)...my son was so terrified after..the dog was still there...not the dogs fault...he was following a command...
It has been 10 years now and this "bully" has had some major issues!! I was gratefull that we got far away from him!

I think it's a great idea to get your son's input on this matter. It would be good time to explain to him why people say mean things to other "because they don't feel good about themselves, and want to make others feel bad too." I do think if you allow the child over, swimming is the prefect activity since they need adult supervision at all times, and you will be able to watch how the child interacts with your children. There's no doubt he break one of your rules, he'll be testing you. Your reaction is very important, don't show any anger, and in a non-judgmental voice, tell him what you want. For example, please don't use words like that, that's not acceptable. If your angry with my son tell him why, and maybe you two can work something out." If he continues to break rules, say something like, "It looks like you are having a bad day, and don't want to follow my rules. You need to go home for today, but please come and visit us again when you are in a better mood."

You don't need to tell these kids they are "bad" they already think that about themselves. You can really make a difference in this child's life, and your son will learn some important life lessons as well. I've worked with some pretty hard-core juvenile delinquents, and it's amazing what a few kind words will do.

I believe you are right in letting this child know that there are consequences for actions. Good consequences for good actions and bad consequences for bad actions.

If he is in the sixth grade and always bullying your child, then your child has enough problems with putting up with it in other areas of his life and shouldn't be put into a position to have to put up with it in his own personal domain.

I am all for helping kids find their way, but your 'first job' is the safety and well being of your child.

I applaud you for taking a stand against bullying. More people should.

::thumbup:

What makes a Bully?

Bullying behavior can be identified as early as pre-school age, and some children who are bullies continue this behavior into adulthood. Most children learn to control their anger and fighting instincts as they grow older, but not the bully. These children have special characteristics. Children who systematically bully others usually have a group of children they bully regularly while other bullies randomly target a variety of students.
Bullies have particular behavior and personality traits. Dr. Sam Samenow describes these as:

greater than average aggressive behavior patterns
the desire to dominate peers
the need to feel in control, to win
no sense of remorse for hurting another child
a refusal to accept responsibility for his/her behavior
Parent(s) of bullies usually support their child's aggressive behavior toward other children and often bully their child.

What happens to Victims?

Adults, like children, resent being bullied, except that adult victims have more options available to them than do child victims. Children cannot escape the school yard, the change room, or the cafeteria. Sometimes, victims do not survive the torture and humiliation of bullying.
In most situations, victims do survive, but carry their emotional scars for a lifetime.

Above statements are excerpts from:

Bully B'ware Productions - take action against bullying

which is a very informative site regarding the very real impact that bullys have. In this day and time with everything that goes on in schools and 'children' committing atrocities against their peers and teachers....well, I think it is no longer just a little 'picking on someone' problem. It goes so much deeper than that. Sometimes it is a matter of life and death. Consider the ages of the children that have been invloved in a schoolyard plot or action against their peers or teachers. Getting younger and younger?

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Maybe since he is effidently not learning anything at home it will be a good lesson for him. Actions have consequences and maybe he will think before he calls someone else a retard. I think you did the right thing.

Way to go, Mom! Stick to your word and don't let him swim all summer, but maybe if he continues to come over, a bit of strictly supervised time with Lincoln may help take care of the meanness.

I wonder if he is abused at home and that is why he is mean to others?????

Looks like you have tried and it just isn't going to work. Now you just have to think of your son and protect him. Sadly, it appears as if the other parents aren't doing the same. Hopefully, the counseling sessions will reveal the reasons for his actions and he will receive the help he so desperately needs.

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Thank you for this information.

I would of done the same, is it not funny how all these so called friends come out of the woodworks when you have a pool ? It worked that way in my household when i had my house and Pool and Hot tub :eek: