Since you are at those ages, I agree with you. You have grown into the person you will fundamentally always be. You know enough about yourself to know what you want. He should also pretty much know what he wants. both your maturity levels should be up there so that the life changes to be experienced at this point, can be mutually shared, with each other understanding the other's reactions with that maturity.

So I think this boils down to 3 issues:
1. either he has a real fear factor and cannot conceptualize himself in marriage (at least at this point)
2. he cannot see himself married to you, or
3. he cannot see himself married to anyone at this stage of his life, not having anything to do with you or fear of marriage.

The fact that he will not go to pre-marital counseling at this point in your relationship means he really is not anywhere near marriage thinking.

So maybe the real question is are you willing to wait until he is ready which means you may need to re-assess your need for marriage.

I think that timing is everything. You both are not in the same place yet, in reference to this issue.

(SIGH) I know...I know...I'm really emotional about it cause it's what I want but definitely know that if it's not what he's wanting then a marriage it will not make...ugh

I think it is interesting that he is telling you about the conversation with his co-worker. He needed a way to broach the subject. He is telling you for a reason. Sometimes when a man says what he wants, we women decide to analyze it and decide what he "really meant." I would be very clear what I want and expect. Listen to what he tells you. I don't think we should view time spent in a relationship that didnt end in a marriage as "wasted time." Every relationship teaches you something and the fact that marriage might not be the end result does not diminish it's importance.

:thumbup: :thumbup:

I don't think it's wrong on your part but i can see where he's coming from if all he saw in his family was divorce, etc. You said you've been dating for a year already, how close are you guys? Do you live together? Srry to ask so many questions but im j/a to see because some people go out for a long time but don't really 'know' each other, do you know what i mean? A year is a good amount of time but you still can have a little more time to get to know each other better and you guys will both learn a lot from each other, especially if you are living together. Some ppl like to do a test living together to see how well they can stand each other's habits, etc. For some couples it can be for the better and for some for the worse. I definetly think it's good what you are doing by talking about it to him so that he knows it is something you want, you are being upfront about it and that's good. I just suggest see how things go within the next year, how you guys get along and also seeing a relationship counselor is a good idea.:thumbup:

It seems like he's confused..

I agree with what zoeybear is saying. I would also add that I lived with my husband for 9 years. (I'm ashamed to say!) and if I had it to do over again, I would not have chosen the living together part. It did work out for us in the end, but it doesn't for most. My first bit of advice would be don't move in together. But I would also say, if you've been only dating for a year, that's not all that long a time and I would discuss things with him a little more and see exactly where he is coming from but don't pressure him or yourself. My husband starting asking me to marry him when I had given up and didn't even want to marry him anymore so the more you push the issue, the more he probably will back away.

I agree with everything you said. In my sociology class in the TB it said 50% of couples that live together before getting married get divorced(i think or the number was higher:eek: ) but for some it can work:)

If I were in the position I would understand his feelings and wait. I don't get what the rush is with marriage these days. I see so many young people getting married after not dating very long and it's just sad how it always ends up. If you really love someone, IMO you'll be willing to wait until they're ready also.

I am going to give you the BEST advice ever b/c I have gone through what I'm going to tell you. Please do NOT rush a man into marriage. If/When he is ready, he will ask. I was engaged, and although I didn't "push" him into it, I did bring it up. He wound up not being ready and broke off our engagement. So please, give it time. If he says he's not ready, then he's not.

Now, your other question...read the book He's Just Not That Into You. That will give you lots of hints on whether he's giving you the runaround. And, if within a year or so he's not making the commitment you want, then move on. If it's meant to be, he will come running back to you. Good luck!

I forgot to ask, how old are you?

Don't make excuses for him. That's what we women always do. :rolleyes: It doesn't make anything better. Trust me, read that book! :p

I have been trying to figure out how to broach this post. I was in a similiar situation as you. I think that rushing a man into marriage is a huge mistake. I agree with Baby Fidgette completely. Being together for a year is not really that long. I was with my now husband for a year and a half when we decided to move in together. I had no intention of ever living with a man before marriage, but there were circumstances that came up. I moved over 400 miles to be near him and I made it very clear that it was a sacrifice on my part and that I would not wait around forever.

We always seemed to be on the same page about our relationship and I told him that I would never pressure him, that I would just leave when I felt I had waited too long. I started getting a little antsy about 1 year into living together. I couldn't understand why he was waiting. In my head, I gave it until the following September. If he didn't propose, I was going to be moving back to So cal. He ended up proposing in July. This has been over a year ago and we are now married.

Women tend to want to rush things. I know that I am stubborn and I would have left. Was that the right choice? Probably not. I love my husband dearly and I think he always wanted to marry me. However, I think he wanted to acheive certain things before we got married. I didn't care about those things at the time, but I respect that he waited until he was completely ready.

Now that I am married, I realize that my love and commitment to him is no different then what it was before. We always said that we would get married when we were ready for babies and that is what we did. I feel that waiting really helps you to be sure that this is what each of you wants.

Please do not pressure him. Open up the lines of communication with him and see what he truly thinks of marriage and commitment. He may want to marry you, but he is obviously not ready now. Only you can know if you are the type of person that will wait for him. And only you know if he is worth waiting for. I know my hubby was.;)

I have that book. To the OT, if you want it i can send it to you, let me know:)

Isn't it great? hehehe :D

Thanks to tjdmom for this thread
 

I messed up on my post here anyway I had read the post on another thread and tried to post it here.

Best wishes to you and your fiancee.
Patti and Jack