I just want to die myself
 

After my Jake got taken to Rainbow Bridge on March 26, the only being I care about anymore is my 3 year old Yorkie girl, Kiri. Otherwise, I just don't want to live, but I won't commit suicide so please don't email me not to do it. I just wish I'd not wake up, expect for Kiri. My non-domestic quasi-partner may have uterine cancer, and she won't see a dr until this Wednesday, so now there's that worrying and terror. And when I paid bills last Friday, I was $200 short so now I'm going to be short out of my tax refund that I set aside to pay a huge sewer repair bill. I can't win. I picked up Jake's ashes this last Saturday and it broke my heart. Then I went to church on Sunday and the pastor preached a sermon about Lazarus, and the whole time he talked about graves and death and decaying bodies. I could hardly sit there because every word was a knife making me hurt for my little Jake. Nothing is any good anymore. I don't see any joy at all in life except for Kiri, and I don't care about anything or enjoy a damn thing. And now I have to worry about my gf possibly having cancer. Everybody I love ends up dying of cancer, and now her and right after Jake died. I just wish I could disappear.

Grief is so very hard to bear. I hope your partner is ok and gets great treatment, stay strong.

Perhaps it is time to seek some professional help, either through pastoral counseling or through someone your doctor suggests. Besides professional help, there are usually pet grief support groups in major cities that regularly meet to support one another when people are having a very hard time dealing with the death of their beloved pet, usually at the same time very many other bad things are going on, kind of throwing them for a loop. In some large cities, 211 will give you your cities Community Services information line and they might be able to give you some phone numbers to call for counseling services. A lot of times, just sitting with someone or a few others who understand and won't judge, talking things out, getting your feelings and fears out, can make a huge difference. Knowing that people around you care and want to help will in turn help you feel a little more hopeful.

Life gets awfully grim but people made it through terrible tragedies in their lives, multiple deaths and horrible injuries, illnesses, through wars, loss of homes and all they owned, their pets, property and worse, and somehow prevailed. All it took to get through it all was the will and hope to move forward until life begins to get better again. And, if you hang in there and reach for help, it will get better.

I've lived a long time, been through hell at times, but always came through the valleys somehow but it's never easy - it take grit and determination that somehow you will, above all, make it. And when you do, turn around and help others having hard times and succor them with your new understanding of what "down" feels like. But for now, it sounds as if you need some more professional help and support to to get yourself over the hump. We all get to this point at some time or another.

Praying for you...

I feel the despair in your post, it sounds like your in a very dark place and rightly so. I will have you in my thoughts, I hope you find strength & some peace in the coming days.

Geeze, you have really gotten slammed - so sorry - however, you must be there for Kiri. Wouldn't Jake expect you to be there for Kiri? It is such a shame that you had to lost Jake. Prayers for you, Kiri, and your friend.

I agree with others, professional grieving help would be a great idea! Maybe give you some added support/help during this tough time.

My heart really goes out to you. I know sometimes it seems like so many tough things come at us all at once and it never ends. Those are the times that we keep pushing through because of those that depend on us. Just like your little Kiri depends on you. Try to be strong. I know it's easier said than done.

I'm so sorry about your little precious little Jake. I'm sorry to that you are going through such grief and sorrow. I can relate with your desires to give up but I can also say that this period in your life will change. I lost two of my little yorkie girls one in June and the other just last month two days after we had lost my mother in law. Both of the of our little babies were almost 13yrs. There is hope through it all there is healing with time and it does happen! Your pain and hurt will not last forever. The real message of Lazarus I think would be the love and power that raised him. That was a miracle that happened and they still happen everyday.That same love can do the same thing for you raise you out of this time of despair. Have hope be encouraged by all the people that take it to heart that you are hurting and be strenghtened by the prayers.

I am so sorry you are feeling so down, and have more stressful things to deal with on top of losing Jake. It just all seems to be too much, when any one thing itself would be about all a person could deal with.

I hope that you will be able to hang on to just one little positive thing for now (Kiri), and let healing come, even though it seems way to slow. It just takes time.

Hugs.

Hey Sandy, I am just checking in on you and sending some good thoughts your way. Hope things begin to lighten up for you soon. One day at a time for now.

Warmest Aloha,
Sandy

I, too, am anxious to know how you are doing today. And hoping you found some support, counseling or a grief group there locally. Let your faith and hope in God be your guide through this bad time.

Any news on your partner/friend? I've been praying for good news there.

We're here for you every day, any time you need to talk it out.

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I have little Kiri. My friend goes to the dr tomorrow and will probably have tests. But she keeps saying she knows she has the "big C" which is not helping matters at all. The people on YT are so kind--I wished you all lived close by.
Again thanks.

Your poor friend is probably terrified and doesn't know what else to do. It sounds as if she could use some professional counseling or pastoral help herself, poor thing, just to help her cope with her terrible dread and fear she's dealing with. It's so awful to face horrible things and have to find a way to get through it. I feel so sorry for her - and for you, Sandy, as you are scared for her. Here's hoping you can both find a way through these fearful and painful times and come out on the other side hopeful and happy again. I, too, wish we lived nearby and could get together and pray, talk it out. Keep us posted. Give Kiri a big hug for being there for you. She's a little trooper.

Thinking of you and your best friend and send hugs and prayers.

I was checking in on you.....I hope you friends appt. goes better than she's expecting. Wishing you all the best.

Praying

Sandy, I am keeping you in my prayers that you will be doing better. I am also praying for your friend today that her doctor appt. goes well. I hope you feel all of our hugs surrounding you and please know that we are here for you.

Even if she has it, if it's caught early the prognosis can be very good with surgery. My mother had breast cancer but they caught it really early, so surgery and some radiation wiped it out. Never has shown up again on subsequent mammograms. But yeah, cancer is about the scariest thing in the world to hear. :(

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. I hope you both seek some professional counseling to help with your feelings of grief and despair. Rest in Peace sweet little baby any and know how much you were loved.

Rainbow Bridge, Pet Loss Grief Support, Monday Candle Ceremony


is a good resource for you right now. I know how you feel but believe me I know the loss of a beloved pet is just as hard as the loss of a human...I know what its like to wish it would all go away, but trust me those moments of shear emptiness will fill with good memories which are just as priceless....Kira and your partner need you and you need them, don't alienate yourself, don't think no one understands, don't think for a second that what your feeling is wrong. Grieving the loss of a loved one, pet or human is traumatic stuff and I will be the first to admit that I went to a Counselor recently because I couldn't catch my breath without seeing my babies little face, because everyone wanted me to be ok but really my whole life evolved around my pup(s), my morning routine, my MOMMIES HOME after work routine, heck even when I fell up the stairs the other day I started crying because my little furchild normally would have been standing there barking at me as if I had done something wrong!


There are so many reasons that you feel the way you do but sometimes when everyone thinks we are really ok and we are writing "I want to die myself" as a thread opener is a desperate need for someone to make it ok, I wish I could do that for you and maybe even you for me, but I can't all I can offer you is the experience I have and my experience told me that a whole lot of sadness was too much to bare and I needed someone to talk to, maybe you should consider that? I would give you my number but honestly at this point we would both just end up crying on the phone!!! I'm so sorry for your pain, I really am...


Please keep posting and remember we have all been there and back, some of us too many times...but life does go on and I'm just so grateful for those memories now...I'd give anything for one more day....but I know its just the way its suppose to be...and I know all dogs go to heaven!!!!

I hope this week is better for you and your loved ones.

I'm really sorry for your lost of the most beloved one. I too lost my boy on March 11. I felt devastated too. I can really feel the pain you have. My Kenzo passed away because of sleen cancer and he has tumors in his stomach and in his liver. It's been a month and I still cry and grive for him. Fortunatley I do have my Kenzo Jr who(I consider him as my human baby) comforts me in these difficult moments. I say to myself that I must continue to live because I do still have my Hanzo, a 13 yo adopted maltese from a shelter, and I don't want him to suffer. My love Kenzo is gone but one thing I know that he doesn't suffer anymore.

Like others suggest you, perhaps it's good to contact a group where you meet the same people who can understand your pain. It might help. Well believe me we all who have lost our baby can feel your pain. I'll pray for you to be strong and you should remember that you still have Kiri to take care. If not you, who else will. You don't want Kiri to suffer right? Please be strong for your Kiri and your gf too.
""""""
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light """""

Please remember Jake lives happily now in the rainbow bridge...

I am sorry you are having such a hard time, it's a feeling most of us are familiar with.

I know it is hard to feel this way now, but I hope eventually you will be able to but celebrate the fact that you had 16 years with your pup. Unfortunately all of us that take a pet into our hearts will have to grieve their loss at some time. Does it make it any easier knowing that no, but it's the downside of loving a pet. My mom lost a dog when I was about 7 and she took it so hard that we could never have a dog again because she said she could not bear to go through the grief again. Now that I am grown, she has asked me several times over the last 30 years why I would get another dog knowing that it would eventually die and I would be heartbroken once again. I told her that the grief no matter how bad it was, was worth it because of the amazing love and companionship I had gotten from my pups. Had I been like her and closed myself off I never would have had the experience of all the joys Lola brings me. I am sort of rambling and might not come across the best, and I do understand your pain, but I guess what I am saying is that I realize you are sad and that you have to grieve but there are other things to open yourself up to so please don't let grief consume you for to long.

You all are great for reaching out to Sandy when she needed it. We have become friends and I have grown to love Sandy and her little Kiri. As a matter of fact I am now Kiri's Auntie Lou.


Sandy is doing much better but she faces a long hard recovery from losing little Jake. He was her joy. Fortunately Sandy's girlfriend does not have cancer. They found and removed a bleeding polyp. This was a huge relief as you can imagine,


Sandy if you are reading this I know you don't mind me sharing this information.


I love ya girl. Take care of my little niece - she better be able to fetch that ball the next time I see her. Tell her Otto is missing her even if she IS a girl.

hi.. just reading this. Thank you so much Lou for updating. I am very glad she has you!!

Sending prayers and ((hugs)) Sandy

I am glad Sandy is doing better and her GF is healing. . . .sending good thoughts to both

Thanks for the update. She is still in my thought and prayers.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I think of Sandy daily and am relieved and happy to hear such a wonderful update, give Sandy my love and I'm so glad her girlfriend is well....I'm praying that happy memories of Jake are filling those big voids....

Love you too Auntie Lou!!!!

dog
 

Hi Sandy! My name is Sandy. I want to tell you not to lose heart. This world we live in has a lot of pain and sorrow but we never give up our hope. This is not our home, we are here temporarily. We are to serve the Lord no matter what may come because we have this awesome promise of a beautiful place ready for us when He calls us home. I had cancer, suffered so much through that but now I help others ready to die. I work for hospice. We must be strong and accept what comes until Jesus calls us home. Life can be so depressing but remember who is in charge. Your little dog belongs to Jesus and He called him home. Rest and know that our Creator has all things under His control . I will pray for you to have peace in your heart.

Thanks for the update Lou. Sandy you are in our prayers.