Family Feuds.
 

My boyfriend gave me an early christmas present...an engagement ring!!! He and Monster have resolved all of their issues, and it's just so exciting for our little family. Now, because it's Christmas we had originally intended to go to his family's house. However, they are now saying (when before the issue never arose) that we can't bring Monster. I feel like this is last minute, and no one on his side of the family is offering me an LOGICAL reason why Monster can't come. His sister has a very friendly and fixed Maltese and Monster is young and loves other dogs. There are no babies, and we have a pen so he won't pee anywhere. If she can bring her Maltese, why not my Yorkie?

He says that I'm over reacting, but Monster has anxiety issues when we leave him for a few hours, I don't see how we could possibly leave him for a few days, especially when there is no evidence saying otherwise. I'm so frustrated and angry at the fact that when his family calls me crazy and says "It's just a dog" he doesn't say "Well, why can the other dog come?"

I guess there really is no advice anyone can give me this situation, and I'm more looking for some empathy. Am I over reacting, I have to make sense to someone out there!

That's too bad. I would ask them nicely if at all possible could you please bring him. Kill them with kindness.

Under those circumstances, with you taking all these precautions, and being nice, if it was me, i would make myself a very merry xmas @ home with my dog, but thats me !

I think it's rude to say at the last min. that you can't bring your baby. What if you were going out of town and needed to board him? There is no way you could get a dog boarded at the last min. during the holidays. I would be upset too if they had no logical reason. Now if 90 year old Great Aunt Sally was coming and she was on oxygen and extremely allergic to anythind with fur (dead or alive) and they asked you not to bring the dog...then ok. But there is no Great Aunt Sally, so why no dog?

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

You'll get a lot of people telling you to put your dog first, so I'll offer another perspective:

I think no matter what, our human relationships have to come first. You don't have to understand or be happy about their choice, just like they apparently don't understand how important your pet is to you.

And ultimately, it's their home, and if your boyfriend/fiance' is important to you, you have to respect their wishes. Sometimes holidays are just chaotic enough without adding to the craziness. Two of the places we're going, I know will be inappropriate to take my dogs to, and they'll be left at home. One place is calm and spacious enough that all THREE will get to go. I think we just have to roll with the punches, and that if WE are willing to, our PETS will learn to as well.

I don't know all the details, but it sounds like there have been some issues with you and your boyfriend...maybe he thinks your dog is too important to you? that you put it before him? And maybe this is something his family is concerned about too. You're in a very tenuous stage of your relationship with ALL of them, where they are still forming opinions of you, and what kind of life their loved one will be able to have with you.

I think that when we are "IN YOUR FACE!!!" with people over our love for our pets, that just gives them more fodder against us. ("She's so crazy...she would rather spend Christmas at home ALONE than leave her dog for two days!")

Think of this as a "test"---PROOVE to them, that yes, you can put canine/human relationships in proper perspective. And then, I bet you anything that next time they'll be more understanding, and won't mind you bringing him along.

Good luck!

i plan on taking lexi to my brothers house on christmas day and i have taken her there last christmas too... if my brother calls and asks my mom to tell
me not to bring lexi, then i will not be going either....toooo bad....
thats how i feel.. she is my family and where i go she goes..... then there will
be war..... and im ready for it

Call the local pet boarding facilities and check them out for cleanliness
and talk to the staff. You may want to consider leaving the puppy there for a few days to be fed and walked. If not, try a dependable friend or relative to watch him. Like JiggityJig said, it is their home regardless if they have a pet or not. You should respect their wishes and hopefully next time they will let you yorkie come.

Mine will be going with me. If they couldn't...then I personally would stay at home. They are going with us to my Mom's and then to my MIL at the nursing home.

I could understand if NO dogs were allowed, but why the sister-in-law and not yours.....?

I think what is most difficult for me, is that we adopted Monster together, and when Adam says "Becca, you need to stop thinking about your dog so much" I want to smack him and say "He is OUR dog!"...and then when it comes to him calling me irrational - it's not so much that I feel he won't fight for our dog, but he won't even demand an explanation for my own personal peice of mind. There is no old aunt, no allergies, just a giant house upstate.

It's funny how his family is saying this right after we announced our engagment, when they have never been very big fans of me. I understand that I cannot allow my dog to to become a little dictator over my life and that my relationship with my future husband is more important than how I treat my dog, but I'm now paranoid that this will continue to happen and I don't want anyone else to be able to use Monster as a tool to cause conflict between us.

Then there are people telling me that I'm over thinking this entire situation. It's the holidays and I feel like it's the first Christmas of the rest of our lives - how can I put up with this year after year? Everything was so exciting for us and I'm just angry that anything could ruin it.

I explained the situation to his mother like this: We're going to be gone for three days, finding a kennel is absolutely out of the question and I cannot impose Monster on my parents for that long when they also have their own plans and he is such a high maitenance dog. I asked incredibly nicely for her to reconsider for the sake of everyone being able to be together. She said she would call back.

I also admire my fiance so much because when he saw how much this really upset me and how hard I tried to come to a conclusion to make everyone happy, he said that if his mother continued to say no to Monster, then the three of us would stay home. I know he's completely genuine and wouldn't offer if he felt obligation over want, but I would still feel guilty for taking him away from his family - when now, they're supposed to be becoming my family.

Haha, I'm sorry, I know this isn't exactly a "Yorkie" problem, but I have nowhere else to vent, and other pet owners are really the only ones who can understand. Thanks so much for all of your input.

I understand your difficult position, and how scary it is to think about joining a new family that may not always understand or support your priorities (whatever they may be). However...welcome to marriage! :D They call them "out-laws" for a reason. :D

I think if their attitude (and your fiance's way of dealing with them) really bothers you, NOW is the time to really take a close look at the family and really decide whether or not you'd be able to happily make the compromises that would allow you to become a part of them. And if not, you're right, this could spell trouble for the future marriage.

Or, maybe this one area is the ONLY blotch on an otherwise potentially great relationship with them.

I'm sorry, I'm giving "advice" again, when all you really want is sympathy! :D Sorry, it's the "mom" in me. ;) Well, I do for sure feel for your frustration and disappointment.

Well said.

Advice is always welcome! My mom was without advice OR sympathy, so I appreciate the mom in you!

Thank you all for the sympathy and advice! It really did make a difference! Because, I heard from pet owners who understood Adam's point of view but also was assured I wasn't crazy, I was able to say to him, "I know that our relationship comes before the dog, but I don't think this is about the dog. I just want a reason, just one reason why your sister's dog can go and ours can't. If I get a reason, I'll leave him behind, if not, me and Monster are just being discriminated against." THIS, he understood.

His mother called and said no, again. When he asked for a reason why one dog could come and the other couldn't, she had nothing to say other than "because." Since I wasn't really asking for too much, just an explanation - he told her, that we weren't going at all, and we're staying at OUR home.

Like I said, I felt guilty for keeping him from his family and he said "They've been my family all my life, but you're my family for the rest of my life."

Once again, thank you! It didn't end perfectly, but I'm happy (AND SO IN LOVE!) and despite it all, I think the dynamic of our relationship is all the better for it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF YOU AND YOUR PUPPIES!

ditto:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Wow, I'm so sorry they put you in such a difficult position. Sounds like a power struggle. I think they know this would cause you a lot of conflict and I think it's important that your boyfriend support you. Maybe you could write a nice letter, after the holidays, begging their forgiveness?? I have two grown sons and the relationship with their wife and girlfriend is so important to me. If I didn't have a Yorky though, I'd probably think you were nuts!
Nancy

My mom had a peke several years ago and back then, people didn't take their dogs everywhere but shee did. if she was told not to bring the dog, then she always said, if my dog can't come, I won't be there.

did you ask they why would couldnt' bring him? I agree that it is their house and their rules but, letting one bring their dog and not you just isn't fair...I would want to know why they asked you to leave him home...I would be very hurt if my family did this to me...

I can understand your feelings because I am going through a similiar situation. However, mine is much less because we all live in driving distance of each other, so even though I have to leave my dogs at home, it will only be for a few hours vs several days.
My family is very small: me, my father who is 84 and has deminia, and my 2 adult children. My son is in the Army and is being sent to Iraq on Jan 4th, so we do not even know if he is coming home for Christmas. That leaves me, my 84 year old and very cranky father and my daughter. My daughter's finance, who I absolutely adore, comes from a very big family. He is the baby of 6 children and all his siblings have spouses and children, so when the immediate family gets together it is quite a group.
I always have a party for family and friends on Christmas Eve. My future son-in-laws family does not do anything for Christmas Eve--so no problem my daughter and her finance are coming to my house. Christmas morning they (daughter and finance) will be making the round of visits to family/firend's homes to exchange gifts--my house included.
Now the problem is Christmas dinner. My daughter's future mother-in-law always cooks Christmas dinner for her family. My father, myself, and my son (if he is home) are all invited for Christmas dinner. Which is fine with me and very appreciated, however my father and my son (if he comes home) do not want to go there. Also my dogs are not invited even though one of my daughter's future sister-in-law (Jen) will have her dog with her. I can understand why Jen's dog has preference since he has been coming to family affairs for years, while my babies are new comers. But what I do not understand is all the dogs (mine and Jens) get along great and Jen even babysits my dogs when I go away!!! I have accepted that maybe they (future MIL & FIL) do not want extra animals with all the adults and kids there.
But my problem is where do I go to make everyone happy? I have decided to cook at home and have my father and hopefully my son for Christmas dinner, with my precious furbabies. Then I will leave the babies home with my father and son and go to my future son-in-laws' Moms for dessert and coffee.
The holidays do get tough once the kids grow up and merge with the in law families--that is for sure.
Good luck and happy, happy holidays!!!

Well honey, and please believe I'm saying this with ALL respect, but....I think you're making a big mistake here!

I appreciate the fact that you were put in a difficult position, and that they wouldn't give you a good reason why. I also appreciate the fact that you have tried to handle the situation well.

But we have to pick our battles with families, and (my opinion only, obviously) showing your new family right off the bat that being with your DOG for Christmas is more important to you than being with THEM for Christmas (this is how they'll see it)---that's not a good foot to get off on. Especially since it's not just you staying home, but your FIANCE'. I know you feel like they are using the dog as leverage between you, but think about it from the other side...that is exactly what they are going to feel like YOU are doing, too.

I hope you're able to resolve this with them...power struggles can so quickly escalate out of control, and get really ugly!

Maybe instead of going the "sis can bring her dog; why can't we?!" route, it would be better to just approach it as, "Ooooh, we're sooooo sad, we can't go because we can't find boarding for the dog!" It might be too late for that, but oh honey....keeping a son from a mother on Christmas (and over a dog!) is a shaky way to start off a marriage, especially if they weren't really "sold" on you to begin with!

Please believe I'm wishing you nothing but the best, but YIPES, I can just hear the talk that's going to be going on about you, and I just can't see this headed anyplace good for you and your future with this family!

You are in such a tough situation! I sure hate to see things start out poorly with your future in-laws. Surely they understand that you can't leave him alone for several days. Maybe you can call them and say you've changed your mind and are going to do everything in your power to find a sitter for him because family comes first and you want to be part of their lives.

Then, call at the last minute and tell them you just couldn't find anyone to care for him, and you will miss them so much, but you can't leave him home alone. He would die! Maybe they'll let you bring him anyway then...

I hesitate to post this 'cause I am not a sneaky person, but they've put you in this hard place. This wasn't your choice.

I can see your mom "not giving advice or sympathy" as she is in a difficult po sition also. She has to be careful of the new relationship between her and her future so in law. I think she is just being smart.
Would you be staying with them when you went for the holidays or in a hotel?
I think if I were in that position I would just call and say that I'm sorry about the misunderstanding and wish that I knew ahead of time that the dog could not come, that there is no way I could find holiday boarding available at this late date and that my parents also are just not prepared to take care of him at this time. And that you were so looking forward to sharing the holiday with them.
Can you at least go to your parents for the holiday? People are under a lot of pressure during the holidays They do and say a lot of dumb things but it's silly for her to ruin the holidays for herself, her family and you over a tiny dog. It's not a St Bernard that's not housebroken!
A lot of times we have to smile and bite the bullet to keep peace in the family. Don't get me wrong-I don't mean let them walk all over you but sometimes we need to stop and think of the relationship that has been there between the other person and their family. Since you are going to marry him these people will be the grandparents of any children you have. I'm sure you will eventually work things out, good luck

don't go stay home with the monster

I would definitely ask them to reconsider and tell them he will either be in a pen or on your lap. Explain that it will not be enjoyable for you if you are upset over your dog.

Oh, Honey I feel for you!
My husband and I have been together 22 years and have known each other 27 years. My in-laws are always (and still do) playing the power struggle game with me over their only son. If I would of known how they were, I probley would not have married my husband, and we have a Wonderful, fun, loving marriage but his parents are a constant pain in my... side!
Unfortunately our teenage children don't have a lot to do with them either.
The sun sets and rises, according to his parents, on his bald little head...:D My husband does stick up for all of us but his parents are just set in their ways...The other family members love us dearly and wonder how I have put up with them?!
See if you can find a bonded pet sitter that can either stay in your home or just come by several times a day to check on Monster. My mom has one she has come to her house to take care of her 3 bengal cats and she loves the lady who does it, and her cats are happier(they are all rescues)
If not for this time, find one for another time, or find a pet friendly hotel close by his parents and stay there?

Good luck and happy holidays,

I they can't understand that it is to late to find some one to watch your dog, then you should stay home... they are not being resonable and so they cut thier nose off to spite their face!!! Too Bad,,,Have a Merry little Chrstmas and I wouldn't be surprised if they change their mind when they see you won't be coming with out your baby... Who do they think your going to get to watch him at this late date? :mad:

I thirnk this is a very sensible, well thoughtout post. It gives a different perspective.

I dont usually get into "debate" threads, but this one hits home, BIG!

STAND YOUR GROUND WITH M I L!!!!

I have been married for 24 years and my MIL has been playing that game with me since BEFORE we were married. I have stood my ground and she finally realizes that she does not "control"... just remember, it is very hard for a mother to let another woman take her son! It is a defense mechanism...
I had to play this game with my daughter AND my pups... she tried to push me out of raising my daughter MY WAY and constantly whines about my dogs.
I have had to tell her many times to "stay home" because she constantly whines about my dogs(I have 5). My hubby has had talks with her about and told her to just keep her thoughts to herself, or stay home!
After a few times, she learned and she stopped whining about the pups....
I have always been nice about it, but still STAND MY GROUND.... Like someone else said, she is trying to prove a point here, but you need to prove yours too.... it will work out, its a great thing that he is with you on this...
Stay Home, Love your Baby and have a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!
d

I can't seem to stay out of this thread! :D

I think it also depends on your inlaws, and what you really think their motives are.

I don't know if you really know them well enough to guess, but do you really think they're doing this to get at you? Or to control your fiance'? If so, then it's wise that you are talking about it together, and figuring out how you need to "handle" it.

But there are times that people just thoughtlessly (or, really, innocently) do or say things that hurt you....and there will CERTAINLY always be times when people just don't see things the same way we do, or have our same priorities. Those are the times I think we need to just let some things go.

"Choose your battles" is NEVER more wise than when addressing marriage, and inlaws! :D

My mother-in-law is a sweet lady, but a little, uh, "simple". And ABNORMALLY attached to her sons. There have been times over the years that she has COMPLETELY driven me crazy, and times when I wished that my husband would put her in her place on a few things, but he didn't.

And TRUST ME (maybe you can tell! :D) it's completely against my nature to just bite my lip and keep my thoughts to myself. BUT...I do, with her, as much as I can. Because I know that she means no real harm, and I know that creating tension between us won't accomplish anything good.

On the other hand, after alllllll that I "let go", there HAS been a time or two over the years that I've finally had to put my foot down about a few things. And, to her credit, in those cases she pretty much complied.

I certainly wish you luck in figuring out the best way to handle this, and of course your real problem is that how you handle it won't just effect where you spend Christmas, but will impact your future relations with your fiance's family, and ultimately, maybe even your marriage itself, if the tension gets great enough.

:thumbup: Agreed.

I agree with each and every post that JiggityJig made. The decision is ultimately yours but think about this long and hard.