I'm ready to talk...
 

hello everyone,

I have not been on yt much at all since dec. 2. i have suffered the greatest tradgedy of my life other than when i lost my father. my two girls courtney and rio were pregnant as some of you know, and courtney had a rough time, and is now doing great. on the other hand, the love of my life, my rio wasn't so lucky. everything went terribly wrong. i am in tears as i type this so bare with any mis spells...rio deliverd 5 beautiful pups on nov. 29. 3 girls and 2 boys. it was a text book delivery. no problems what so ever. on dec 1st I noticed she had vomited twice. a greenish clear liquid with a bit of her food. i immediately call my vet because i call my vet when my dog's sneeze. well she told me it was probably where she had eaten so many placentas and it had made her sick, (ph call at 8 pm on dec 1) and to bring her in first thing next morn to be safe. well i did just that. she seemed lethargic by the time we arrived. so fast. i cannot express how fast this happened. after a going over, my vet palpated which i had done also and said that something just wasnt "right". they immediately opened her up and there was a tiny re-tained puppy inside her. it was unclear if it was male or female by this time. as they were removing it i felt a sense of relief. then suddenly when she was cut off from anethesia, she didnt wake up. nothing saved her. nothing. every thing was tried. she never woke up. i have lost it. i dont remember driving home with her, i dont remember speaking to several of my friends on the 2nd. i said things to my husband that didnt make sense. i cried until my eyes all but swelled shut. i have just lost my precious girl that i loved with all my heart and i had 4 orphaned babies. (forgot to mention her smallest boy didnt make it on day one) my gift from God was my Courtney who has taken these orphans in as her own. her babies are one week older. if only i had had my girl x rayed. maybe we would have seen the 6th spine and known she didnt pass them all. if only i had done that. i do sometimes, when i have a concern, but i didnt this time. i had no concerns. i am in shock, having hard ti me speaking to people at the moement and am having a hard time leaving my home for anything. these two litters have left me heart broken. i am completely heart broken. i cannot sleep, i cannot eat. i cannot think of anything but how empty i feel at the loss of my girl. she was truly my sidekick. my home is missing something so precious. our lives have been disrupted and we are grief stricken. this all happened so very fast that i do think i went into a mild shock. there were no signs of trouble for 3 days. there was no odor. there was nothing that i felt any concern over. i had no idea anythign was wrong. none at all. she was acting like a proud mommy, she was active. i have always done the very best i could concerning my yorkies. i have now faced the one thing that i prayed for so long that i would never have to face. i happen to love my dogs as my pets even though i am a hobby breeder. the things that we breeders face and go through at times is un-imaginable to some people. my mother said the sweetest thing to me today, she said: "your work involves love, so you have an attachment and most people wouldn't be strong enough to do it with the care you put into and to be able to keep going on with your responsibilites after you have your heart broke. most people dont realize what you can and do go through to have these pups for other people to love" she is right too. it is going to take me years to get over losing her. i am filled with guilt. i have her beautiful daugther from her past litter, my little "bridgit" and the look in her eyes is her mothers. she has been sticking close to me. she knows something's wrong. i now have these 4 precious babies that will never remember their beautiful mother that are like gold to me right now. they are like GOLD. they are more precious to me than any amount of money. they are what is keeping me going and getting me through this. my husband built a resting place for her and she has been placed in my favorite bed of daylilies. i cant believe i'm even typing this right now. i didnt know how i was going to be able to even talk about it. i have had a wonderful person who is my dear dear friend and a blessing to me from God help me through these last 2 days. my dear friend melissa, "annadoodle" has been my rock, my shoulder, my strength.
i had asked her to please not mention this until i was strong enough and ready to talk about it. i had all but decided that i was giving up on my dream, my passion as of 2 days ago. i said no more. then i realized tonight that i cant give up. that i must keep on keeping on and learn from every single thing that happens to me how big or small. the attachment and love that i feel for my yorkies is why i do this in the first place...to give other's the same kind of love i have and that they to desire to have in a yorkie of their own. may you rest in peace my darling girl, mama loves you rio. oh God, somebody please tell me how to take this pain away. i am hurting so bad and i'm confused and i just dont know what to do. i feel like everything is my fault. i want to crawl in a hole but i have to stay strong for my babies. my courtney is my angel sent from heaven. she has taken the babies and is loving them as her own. it is amazing and there is no doubt in my mind that is is a blessing from God for her to have had her babies near the same time. my life will never be the same. sorry this was so long, but i am just ready to let it all out or i'm going to lose it again. she's everywhere i go. every room of my home, there's something of hers, or a place she napped by me or a hair in a brush or something. i'm truly heart broken and i ask you all to pray for me to ease my pain. i have never hurt so bad in my life.

I am so sorry for you
 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Please don't take it out on yourself. You did the right thing and always remember that she left you with all of those beautiful babies. If I was you, I would pick out one of the babies that reminded me of her and keep it!!!! Once again, I am sooooooo sorry for your lost.

Robbie, I am so, so sorry to read this post. I understand how your heart hurts. I am positive you did everything for Rio possible, and she knows that.
You must not blame yourself, Rio wouldn't want that for you. Your mother is very wise and sends a good message. I know there is nothing I can write here tonight to ease your pain, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers in your time of need.

I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. I just can't imagine. Please don't blame yourself, this sounds like a freak accident. You have been through this severallitters before and you had no reason to suspect that anything was wrong. I know how much you will miss your little girl, but she would not want you to beat yourself up.

I will keep you in my prayers along with your beautiful babies. Please keep us posted if you feel up to it.

Again I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.

Bless your heart Robbie. Although I do not know you, I feel as though we know one another's pain. I know of the pain that you speak. Your love for your Rio shines so very bright thru your words. I only wish I had the pleasure of meeting her. She sounds so very special. Rio lives on within your heart and the hearts and souls of the little ones she created for you. Let her guide you through the upcoming years of your breeding career. Rio wouldn't want you to give up your dream. She would want you to carry on. She will stand by your side as always. My prayers are with you Robbie. Let your tears water the lilies today and forever.

I am so very sorry for your loss.you are in my thoughts today.

I am so sorry, you must be so heartbroken !

I am so sorry!!!! You have me in tears. I will pray for you. I'm sitting here telling my daughter why I have tears in my eyes, and now she feels badly! You are in both our thoughts!

thank you all so much for your kind words of sympathy. i have been in tears for 3 days. i can't make them stop. my husband has resorted to asking me if i'd like to see a doctor. i dont know. i know some people in this world would say "oh its just a dog" but i know that all of you really understand. she was not just a dog, she was like a person to me. she was amazing. we had only planned 3 litters total for her. three. this was number two. we had planned to keep a couple of her pups to carry on her wonderful line, spay her, and enjoy her. she was truly amazing and extremely athletic. a wonderful speciman of our beloved breed in temperament and beauty. she was my best friend. my other yorkies are all piled up in their beds right now who look at me like i am neglecting them or something. i dont mean to, i love them all dearly, i am just heart broken and extremely depressed. thank you all for your kind words. they mean so very much.

I didn't make it through your post with dry eyes...I am so
sorry for your loss Robbie! Please don't burden yourself
with so much blame because it clearly was something that
was was not done purposely on your part. We all know how
you love your yorkies and the meaning they hold in your
life. My thoughts and prayers go out to you....

OMG..I am sooooo sorry to hear this ..my heart is breaking for you.
The pain you must be going through. I know words are of little comfort right now ..But, Please remember we are all here for you....Again I'm so sorry for the loss of your little angel :fallen: ...Sherry

thank you so much. i was also at a bad number on my posts and wanted to get rid of it asap...i've had enough bad luck... thank you everyone....words do help.

I am so sorry to hear of your lost. You must be devastated!! I had a Yorkie before that meant the world to me. He had a simple surgery I took him for a check up and the vet told me the surgery wasn't a success and the best thing to do was to put him to sleep. I was DEVASTATED!!! My pup didn't come home with. I do understand your lost.


I agree, you should pick out one of the puppies that remind you of your lost.

My thoughts are with you!!

Occasionally I read posts here that slam me right back to the time when I lost my yorkie, Mike. He was the world to me and I was very much like you are now. My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You need to be strong and stop blaming your self, deep down you know it was not your fault and you know theres nothing you can do. It could of happened to any of us. Im so sorry im hurting with you. But please pull your self together, Or you will make your self sick. She would of wanted you to be strong. you have many wonderful memories. and I do know your hurting. But hun be strong and remember she will always be in your heart. Ill keep you in my prayers Your other babies need you now. If you ever need to talk im here for you. God Bless you.

Robbie~

I am in tears after reading your post....I don't know what to say....i cannot imagine your pain and grief and I wish there was something I could do or say to help. Please do not blame yourself. It was an accident and we all know how much you love and care for all of your babies. I am so sorry. Be strong ...the babies need you even more now.

I am so terribly sorry. You must be hurting so badly. I don't know what to say to you. If this happened to me I am not sure what anyone could say to ease the pain. Life gives us some hard kicks and sometimes you don't know how you will get through it. One day at a time is the only way. You loved that girl and she loved you. You gave her a good life and she will always be with you. You must feel her around you and that is what she wants. Hang on to that feeling because with out it there is such emptyness. She is that angel on your shoulder. :tinyheart

I am so sorry Robbie - noone deserves such a hard time!
I am thinking of you! :hug:

oh my gosh :( i am sooo sorry for your loss....please know that i am here for you anytime that you need to talk about anything and i am sure that everyone else will be here for you too.

thank you thank you thank you to everyone. you all have actually made me feel a little better. i'll never get over it, but its so nice to have you all thinking of me. i'm just so heart broken. and i cant sleep. thats the hardest thing last two days is trying to fall into a peaceful sleep. i'm afraid to go to sleep, i think. i'm afraid something will happen to the babies. i dont know, my mind isnt clear at the moment. i'm an emotional wreck. thank you all for being there.

YorkieMom - I know exactly how you feel.

I lost the love of my life a couple months ago - and I thought my heart was going to break. Like you, I cried until my eyes were swollen shut. I missed almost a week of work and then cried all the way to work, cried at work, and cried all the way home and after I got home for the next week.

I wondered if I would ever get over it. One day about three weeks after I lost her, I realized I had my first day without crying. But, of course, I cried the next day after that. Now two months later, I am doing so much better. But I still love her and will miss her every day of my life.

It is a terrible pain....the most awful pain in the world. But, I can promise you that time will help you heal.

PS: And, like you, I had a lot of guilt.....I promise that time will help with that too.

Just hold on to your heart (and all the other darling little pups you have) and let time go by.

Carol Jean

thank you carol jean....you are so right, its the most awful pain in the world. and my guilt is just un-bearable at times. i've got to be strong for my other babies. they need me and i need them more than ever now. well, i'm off to try to get a couple hours sleep. i took my friends advice and got some pain reliever with a sleep aid in it. i have to get right back up at 6:20 for my daughter to head off to school anyway, and let my yorkies go potty and check on my babies (which by having them right beside my bed as i do at night is also making me more restless because i'm finding myself constantly waking up just to look down at them...,) so it shouldnt be too hard to wake up being that i cant sleep peacefully as it is.... thanks for your kind words.

so sorry to here of your lose my heart goes out to you

Robbie - me again (Carol Jean)

I'm glad you got something to help you sleep - I had trouble sleeping too.

I lost my two cats and the one dog I was telling you about within six months of one another. Then I got the first bird I had ever had in my life, and I was scared to death that something was going to happen to it. I was relieved every morning when I got up and it was still alive.

And three weeks ago, I got my first little Yorkie pup. He isn't real small. I think he is 4 or 5 pounds at three and one-half months. But, nevertheless, he seems very fragile to me (except for the fact that he is hell on wheels), and I'm afraid now that something might happened to him. My own experience with Dutchess, your story, and the many other sad stories on YT continue to remind me of all the things that can happen to our dear little pets.

It just hurts so much to lose them. There is something so unfair about it all.

Remember -- We feel pain because of the happiness that preceded it.

I hope you feel better soon - Keep loving those little puppies to pieces - as I know you will. It is a special blessing that you have your other little mother there.

Carol Jean

Robbie,

Oh, no. OMG. I am so sorry about Rio. What a loss! I am in shock myself. I am here for you. I can't imagine how you must feel, but I can only try to and it makes me feel so sad.

You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember that General Patton is closeby and sends you lots of puppy kisses(he is such a lush with kisses all the time)

Take care,

I am so so sorry.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. :cry:

Robbie ... I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you and your babies are in our prayers!

Heartfelt hugs
 

Robbie...Bless your heart....I'm so happy you posted here.
You will have so much support and also your sharing something very special with other breeders~
Our Rio was so very special...I fell in love with Rio...way before my Sophie came along~
Huge, Huge hugs my friend.
You stay here..you post often....much love to you and those yorkies~

Robbie, I am so saddened for your pain and your loss. Thank God you have Courtney. Seriously. It would be almost impossible to feed the babies every two hours in your condition. I know that heart wrenching physical and emotional pain you are feeling. I know if feels as though you lost a child or a beloved family member....because you did. You loved her THAT much. How wonderful that YOU were chosen to have her. Your grief will go on for a very long time. However, after a period of time, it will start to lessen .... when this starts to happen, please don't fight it and feel guilty that it is starting to lessen. Hug and kiss your other Yorkies, you will see in their eyes how much they care. It will make you cry even more, but trust me, one of them will do something to make you smile or laugh even as tears stream down your face. It is so awsome that the babies will live. You are not to blame....it did sound like everything was perfect. I am sure that you are the ONLY one blaming yourself....PLEASE stop. When we love something and then it is gone, we always tend to try to find a reason to blame ourselves. Accept that this isn't your fault. I will pray that each new day eases your pain more and more.

I'm so so sorry to hear about your Rio ....I've always known I could never breed for the fear of losing mine and my heart goes out to you - You will smile again one day when you think of your best friend..... but it's going to take a long time ....Bless your heart - I feel your pain in every word you posted....

I hope the babies are going to be ok - they are a precious precious gift from their mom to you and she layed down her life to give them to you .....What a tragedy and I'm so very sorry about your loss....Hugs to you and Rest in Peace Precious Rio....

so sorry.....