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MARVIN: Did the mudpack help your wife's appearance? DOUG: It did for a few days, but then it fell off. |
The Bus You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring You down, and that's when you realize ……..…..you have been listening to your ipod. |
Ok, I got this one in an email today... A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came. |
A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes...he was a mess. "If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend. "Because" -zneeze, cough, hack,- "if I'm going to be sick, I might as well have company |
Due to the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, plus the condition of the economy, the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been turned off. |
Morris died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Morris's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Morris would be pleased with the service." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?" "All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand." "No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?" Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Wow, how big is it?" "Five and a half carats." |
New movies 2 Attachment(s) New movies to see |
Lol!!:d Quote:
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You all are hysterical. I love the jokes. Laughter makes the world a better place:) |
Quote:
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Jane got married to Ted and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer some years later. She soon married again. She & Bob had 7 children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 10 years later. Jane again quickly remarried.... and this time, she & John had 5 children Jane finally passed away, after having had 3 happy marriages and a total of 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel..." |
:yelrotflm:yelrotflm:yelrotflm |
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!" |
That had both of us rolling :D |
The perfect Husband Quote:
here is one I found funny also ... THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000 if it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" |
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