for all you guys with preteens
 

Ok folks I really need some advice here:(
My daughter turns 12 in 2 days and she tells me pretty much everything. she has told me she was invited to her friends sleepover and then said she wanted to go but she isn't because they are planning to walk the train tracks(deserted) and go walk to blockbuster (which she isnt allowed out without me yet) I let her know how proud of her I was and today she came and told me a friend of hers from school *use to*cut herself. I feel so sad for that little girl, and so does my daughter. while telling me she was crying and is very concerned about her friend. I suggested we tell the school guidance counselor but my daughter is afraid that she will get mad and turn everyone against her which would result in my daughter having a stressful time in school. Im so confused, do I tell her to never talk to this girl? do you guys think she will? I put myself in that situation and 12 yrs old and I know I wouldnt stop being her friend. do I transfer her school? This can happen anywhere even in a new school. I know my daughter is smart but I cant help but be scared that she might get curious if she hangs out with this girl. Im beyond stressed right now...what do I do? :confused:
just so you guys know, my daughter isnt allowed to hang out with friends after school yet, she comes straight home. I do not know this girl or her mom she is just someone in my daughters class.

I would wait a few days and let your daughter know that you won't mention it. Then I would make an annonoymous call to a social worker or have someone investigate this. The parents need to be interviewed to, at 12 they should see marks or know if their daughter is cutting herself.:confused: Maybe the parents don't even know, but someone should before she does more harm to herself. This is so sad.:(

Oh wow, thats a tough one. How horrifying to hear about such a young soul torturing themselves like that. If I were in your position I would go to the school and tell them what you have found out about this little girl. It could be her way of acting out because of bigger problems at home and this could be the only intervention that could possibly put an end to the behaviour or the reasons for the behaviour. I would keep from your daughter that you tell them though, and make sure that they know that you under no terms want anyone to know that you were the one who came to them.

I think just being educated on the situation will get the school to take a closer look.

Going through child protection agency would be a good option to.

I don't have kids, but I think you should explain to your daughter that some things (such as someone physically harming themselves) are of more importance than friendships. Her friend might hate her for telling, but she'll understand the importance of doing with time.

I also think that you, as a parent, have a responsibility of reporting something like this (wither your daughter likes it or not).

I think your daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. It is great that she can communicate with you. That is so important. I would call the school counselor. You will feel bad if something happens to this girl. I wouldn't tell my daughter that she can't talk to her, but I wouldn't encourage too much contact. It is sad, but there are definatly some problems there. This girl is crying out for help. She may be relieved that someone told. Your daughter sounds like a good kid!

So sad!!!

I agree...I would wait a while...you could even do an anonymous call to the school counselor. In the mean time, I'd limit the time my daughter spent with this girl. While having a friend is good for the other girl, she could start to rub off on your daughter. Ever hear the saying..."Depressed people shouldn't be together...it's suicide".

I have a 12 year old daughter, myself.

Take care and good luck!

talk with the school counsellor or any counsellor. they will give you great advice and also keep things confidential. action will be taken if it is needed, but only by the authorities who can take care of the situation. your daughter did the right thing by telling you.

Thank you for all your advice. I was just talking to my husband and we think its best that I bring it to the school counselors attention. I feel so bad for the little girl and I cant just turn a blind eye. I have a daughter and if another parent knew something like this I would want that parent to tell me. Its just a hard situation and so sad. for those that said I have a good kid thank you it means alot.

EXACTLY! It's always best to put ourselves in the other shoes.

I would not wait at all, do this ASAP. I have had to go to school counselor for things my oldest son told me his good friend was doing too. He was a cutter and he was only in 5th grade at the time, hes in 8th grade now. The school counselor keeps names out, but brought in the boy's parents and talked with them. The child was given help and is doing so much better and is a happy person again! I allowed my son to talk with him when he was going through therapy. It had nothing to do with the childes home life at all but all the stress had at school with bullies and keeping grades up while under stress. His mother had no clue what was going on outside the home.

I know that if one of my children was in need of help I would appreciate problems being brought to my attention so I could help my child.

Also I had worked in day care and we had to take classes on reporting child abuse and neglect. They( social workers) do not give names out when investigating. People worry about being found out as the person who turned another in, but when you think about the possible outcomes I much rather report things then to let something tragic happen. Always report abuse and neglect cases to the proper authority for the sake of the child.

thank you for sharing your story, its good to know im not the only one who has gone through something like this. I have decided to go up to the school tomorrow

I am not a mother, but I do have 4 preteen nephews that I have practically raised. I think that it is a good idea to anonymously call the school and speak with the school counselor. But, I wouldn't stop my child from hanging around this girl. It seems to me that you have raised your daughter right. She is open with you, which is already a plus. I think that having your daughter in this girl's life may be a good thing for the girl. Maybe your daughter can help her through this. You never know what is going on in this girl's life that is making her do this to herself. I say that you allow them to continue to be friends, but if you see a change in your daughter's behavior that may be because of this girl's influence then that's is when I think you should worry about their friendship.

Parents are worriers when it comes to their children and in no shape or form I am saying that's a bad thing. But, at some point we have to step back and let our children be the people that we have raised them to be.

That's my take on it. I pray that you and your husband make the decision that is right for you and your family. I sure that you will.

you are right by going to the counselor.... me personally, I would do it in secret. My daughter tells me everything too and I wouldnt want that to stop if the kids found out. These children can be so cruel, it is sad but Yes, I agree with your choice. As a mom of two girls(16 and 21) I would have wanted to know too...
Good Luck!
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I think that you need to call the school counselor. Tell them that you'd like to make an annonymous report, and tell them the name of the girl and what your daughter told you. Ask them to PLEASE keep your daughter's name - and your name - out of it.

I don't think that there should be a reason for the girl to find out that it was your daughter who told what's going on - but if for some reason she does then yes, she probably will be very mad at her. But you should explain to your daughter that her friend could seriously hurt, or even kill, herself. Eventually, the other girl will probably realize that your daughter really helped her.

I am going to call tomorrow and give the childs name. I will not be letting my daughter know that I called. I really dont want her to change and avoid coming to me next time. she is so open with me that i know her crushs name, who has had their first kiss already etc. I don't want to jeopardize that, and I dont want this girl to know it was my daughter and have all her friends turn on her. If that happens she would be upset with me and upset that her friends are mad. If I do it this way it works out for everyone, and her friend can get help. I told my daughter that she should do what she feels is right concerning their friendship. She wants to continue being there for her, and I agree. I really want to say thank you to all that responded, you guys really helped me. I knew what was the right thing to do, I guess I needed you guys to help me see that I was doing the right thing:)

I think you should also tell the couselor. When I was that age my friend started stealing the alcohol wipes they used in our home management class to clean the headphones and was sniffing them. It didn't scare me at first but then she started getting nose bleeds all of the time. I never could tell my mom but another mom found out and called my mom. My mom was so hurt. It's great your daughter came to you, that's very mature of her. I believe my mom brought it to the schools attention and they put the wipes away so the students couldnt access them. The teachers always had to clean them. It's sad what kids will do sometimes and scary.

I'm glad that you reported this. You could be saving this girl's life.

It's good that your daughter talks to you about everything. Don't stop the girls from being friends, but try to supervise their time together and do something fun with them. You'd sure make a difference in that child's life!:love:

I have raised a daughter and 2 sons...its awsome that your daughter comes to you with the things ..it shows she trusts you and with this, its very important that to maintain that trust, you treat the information she gives you with care...you sound like a very smart women..asking for advice and thinking this decision through before acting is insurance for continuing this great relationship with your baby...unfortunately the freind that is starting to "cut" sounds like she has some complex problems and alot of times beginning at this young age, it begins in the home. Talkingwith a school counselor is a great place to start. I feel more comfortable with this verses talking with the girls parent. I might also talk with your daughter about ways you both may be able to reach this girl...maybe educating your daughter about "cutting" and having her pass small elements on to her freind in a caring aspect....Education is the best prevention for ignorance and self preservation...Good luck and your a great Mom!

You know when she came to me, at first she wasn't crying but as soon as she said "mom she could cut in the wrong place and die" was when she started crying, it hurt me so much to see her hurting. I didn't even have to tell her the things that could happen...she was telling me! she mentioned that her friend could catch an infection and also said that she had told her friend that and asked her to please get help. my daughter said that her friend told her she wouldn't do it anymore. My daughter and I did some searches on google and read up on it and they don't usually just stop just like that:(
I just hope that once I talk to the school guidance this little girl gets help. I don't know her parents and my daughter doesn't see her friend outside of school so it would be hard to talk to her mom. she also told me that her friend gets bad grades on test and doesn't even looked worried about it and she asked her if she wasn't upset that her mom would be disappointed in her and the girls response was"my mom doesn't care" so that leads me to believe the problems are at home:(

Wow, this is so sad that this girl has the message that her Mom doesn't care at her age....Two reason for kids "cutting" is, attention or high frustration levels that the act will actually provide a "release" for this frustration...I never supported my kids in hanging around with the "wrong crowd" or certain bad influences, but sometimes healthy kids can provide another option as a roll model for kids that are in trouble and have a limited support system at home, (with limited exposure for your child of course). I hope this doesn't become a burden for your preteen...it may be time to pull her completely away if you start to see that it is..

I too felt the same way when she first told me. I told my hubby, thats it im pulling her out of that school! but when I sat and thought about it and talked to him we came to realize that this can happen in any school and my daughter is going to be confronted with so many things..its part of life:(
I can try to shelter her as much as I can but ultimately she is going to be confronted with situations like this as well as drugs, smoking, sex etc. I did not forbid her to hang out with this girl because i am a firm believer in god puts people in our lives for a reason. Maybe this little girl needs my daughter, maybe my daughters friendship is what is going to get this girl the help she needs. I too thought about the fact that it may influence my daughter and she might try it, but I dont think that is the case at all.I guess because they are friends at school, they do not go out after school to the movies etc. she doesnt go over her house or anything like that. the rules in my house is that at 12 years old you have no business in the streets alone. so she doesnt have the privileges of hanging out yet. The fact that she came to me shows me that she can be trusted and she knows its wrong. It is such a hard position to be in but I leave it all in gods hand.

That is such a good way to look at it. Good for you! You, your daughter, and her friend will be in my prayers.

Thank you so much :)