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when should I tell her....and how??? ok, i am about to reveal something about myself that you ladies do not know... I hope you will all have an open heart and mind and know that this has only affected my life in a positive way...helping me to stay on a straight path in life. My mother has been in prison since I was about 10 years old (off and on) this last time, because of repeated parole violations, she has been in for 12 years. She is SUPPOSED to come home in 2011. Well, we are in Tx visiting her. I come every year for her birthday. My 6 year old daughter comes too. We have always told her that we were going to gramma's work to visit her... Because we didn't feel she would understand what prison is or that gramma is a good person who did bad things a long time ago. Well, she is getting older and asking questions. She wants to know why we can't go to gramma's house, why gramma can't come to our house, why she cant go shopping with us, etc. I know I need to talk to trinity and explain things to her but I just don't know how. What do u think?? I am telling myself that it will probably go smoother than I think but I'm nervous :) |
Morning! I would probably tell her what she needs to know. At 6 yrs old she really isn't going to understand what being in prison is. Like you said, your Mom is a good person and made bad choices. Maybe you could sit your daughter done and explain (in 6 yr old terms), that gramma did some bad things and got punished for them and had to got away for a while. And, when she is good again she will come home. I wish you luck and hope all goes well. |
I don't know what the answer is - but I believe you will know when the time is right. You have been a very good daughter to your mom. I pray that she has truly learned from her mistakes and when she eventually gets out of prison that she can use her experiences to help herself and others. |
the younger she is the less shocked she will be. Tell her now and be as matter of fact as possible. I'd probably start out, "Before you were born, Grandma did some things that she shouldn't have done and now she is being punished for those things and has to be in jail. then explain that being in jail is like a looooooooong time out. let her take it from there, and answer all of her questions as honestly as you possibly can. the briefer and the more matter of fact you are, the better she will take it. If you wait until she is older she will be more upset and possibly use it as an excuse to act out. You know how dramatic adolescents can be. I'm not one to keep skeletons in the closet, they tend to come out at the most inopportune times. Good luck Quote:
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you are right...and im hopeful that it will help open trinity's eues to what the consequences are to doing bad things. I know it has helped me. Quote:
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Yeah, I probably would tell her now while she's young. She's probably old enough to know what jail is and she must know about doing bad things! It will be a whole lot easier than trying to think of things to tell her besides the truth, too. Let us know how it goes when you decide what to do. :) And for goodness sakes, I, for one, would never judge you by something your mom has done! To me, you are the same ol' girl you were before I read this post. :D I think you're pretty courageous letting the world know about it! :thumbup: |
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Being truthful to a 6 year old is the best way to go. I agree with just telling her Grandma made mistakes, and when she is done paying for her mistakes she'll be able to visit us. |
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You should be honest with your 6 year old but also be careful in you wording. At 6 everything in the world revolves around her and kids always think in terms of themselves. I wouldn't want her to be afraid that the next "little thing" she does wrong could result in her going to prison. |
Use terms like you would say to her if she was being punished. Like Grandma did something bad and she is being punished for it, like when you do something bad and I make you sit in the time out chair. When you are 9 Grandma can start going shopping with us and come visit us! Good Luck, I can just imagine how hard it will be. But it is better to tell her while she is young. Before my husband and I got married we decided that we wanted to start a family, we waited for his ex wife to sign the divorce papers, but she kept putting them off, so we decided to try and get pregnant before he was actually divorced. (took over 2 years) Well I got married on June 14th and my son came into the world on July 5th. (my husbands ex-wife always told me that she would not sign the divorce papers, because she wanted my child to be born a bastard!) oh by the way she was the one who actually started the divorce plans, as she was having an affair. Well back to the point! I always told my son that he was planned and not an accident, that we loved him from the very moment we knew I was pregnant. He is 22 years old and only once has he ever brought it up that I was pregnant before I was married and all he want to know was WHY! And then I told him the story. I think it was a good decision and if given the chance to do it different I wouldn't. Once again, good luck, and honesty is the best policy.;) |
Just a thought, What about telling her in general terms what has happened and is going on and maybe have your mom write her a letter explaing everything and it will be something you can hang on to and give to your daughter in the future when she has alittle more understanding of the situation. |
That's so sad for you Pepe and what a shame you had to grow up without your mom - but I agree with everyone - telling her the truth at a young age will help her learn to deal with it - she's going to find out one day and it should be from YOU. you can discuss it when times are right and teach her that all people in prison aren't 'bad' people - they're just people that lost their way - What's good about telling her now is she'll have an ongoing life lesson on what can happen to us if we choose certain 'paths' in life - and maybe she can develop a relationship with your mom while she's inside - Are you saying you've taken her to the prison or she only travels with you and has never visited ??? I wish you all the best with YOU and your relationship with your mom - maybe she'll come out of prison with a new outlook on life and finally turn it around for herself - |
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Hi there, I'm sorry I don't really have any good advice for you. I don't have children yet (just furry ones) but many of the ladies on here I think gave good advice. I wish you all the luck on this and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. |
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What a great mother you are! To come onto an open forum such as this and reveal something so personal about your family, all for the sake of your daughter's welfare, says quite a bit about who you are. I am very proud of you. :thumbup: My mother kept a lot of secrets from me about my father. She did it to protect me, but she didn't realize that it actually hurt me. If she's asking questions about why her grandmother won't visit her or why she can't go to grandma's house, I would be concerned. She may think she isn't "worthy" of her grandmother's love and attention. Why else would her grandmother not be around? A child's logic doesn't always make sense to us, but it is very real for them. I would talk to her in the terms others have mentioned here. They gave you some wonderful advice. You might actually find that she is relieved to know the truth. She will also be more willing to turn to you with her fears and concerns in the future if she knows you will talk about things even if they are uncomfortable. Hugs! |
I'm so sorry you had to go through childhood without your mother. What the other ladies have posted here is good advice. It's always easier to tell your children hard things when they are young and can work out what they need to know in their own way. Trying to protect them from bad news never works out the way we want it too and when they're older, only makes them wonder what else they might not know. You are a great mom and daughter to be so caring of your family.:) Best wishes for the future. |
Mandee I think you will know when to tell her. You are a wonderful mom to your little girl to let her see gramma and let gramma be part of her life. It does sound like it is soon that you need to tell her though. Good luck with what ever you deside. I am sure what ever you do will be the right thing. |
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