Relationship woes? Advice needed
 

Okay,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We decided on getting Teddy and then my mom and I chipped in together and got Theresa. Lately, my boyfriend and I have been having problems. He gets jealous when the dogs sleep with me (or rather on me) and I tell him "please don't give me a hard time, its sooo difficult to get them to sleep." He gets angry now because I don't lay next to him in the bed because Teddy and Theresa lay on either side of me. When we first got both puppies.. HE was the one who wanted them on the bed.. not me. Now all of a sudden he is having complaints. He said, "you love those dogs more than me," and I detect a hint of bitterness in his tone more than before. It used to be a running joke, but now he gets angry if I greet the dogs first when I come in and not him.


I don't know what to do. Besides, there are other issues including suspicions of cheating (found a girl's number in his phone.. she claims they have been dating for a year.. while we were together, and found two other voicemails from other women as well. All of which he claims as friends, or ex-girlfriends from the past wanting him back) I don't know if he's worth it. I love my dogs, and my mind tells me to leave him, but my heart isn't ready to take him out of my life. I don't trust him whatsoever, he is very abrupt with me on the phone, he never tells me where he is going, and since we are seperated (until I can figure things out with the cheating) he has never once asked about my dogs. But he did get them a diamond collars for my birthday.. does that count for anything?

Plus, my grandmother has dialysis so on the days when I'm not at school full time (monday, wed., fri,) I take her to dialysis for 5 hours at a time. So I'm busy almost all the time. He claims he needs more attention. I'm too tired. Plus this is my last semester at SF State, then I'm graduating and applying for law school. I don't have time. But he thinks that I do and that I need to "act more like a girlfriend." and spend more time with him. I have school (tuesday and thursday and saturday) from 8am - 7pm. I go see my grandmother 11am to about 7pm (mon, wed, fri) and during any free time off I spend time with my dogs, study, and try to maintain my 4.0 GPA.

He used to be so supportive. Now he's not.

What do you think I should do? (sorry for being so long)

Ashley

I really don't have advise, but wanted you to think on somethings:

1. Is your head more right than your heart, in most cases?
2. Could you have outgrown the relationship, because your interest and his are no longer the same?
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Where do you see him? Are you both in the same place professionally, spiritually, mentally, maturity-wise, etc.?
4. Why are you putting up with the cheating factor? (in other words, why are you considering giving him a second chance?) Does he really deserve it?
5. What has he done for you lately? He was the one that cheated. If he wants you back in the relationship, shouldn't it be on your terms, not his?
6. Once you become a lawyer and demands are made on your time by the clients and your company (it's not a 9-5 job), where is he going to be and how is he going to feel?
7. Do you really see things changing to mutually satisfy both of you? Is it better to cut your loses and focus on your career and future with the "knowing" that there is someone out there that will be mature, understand the time pressures you are under and love your dogs as much of you and you will be in a better position to meet them, because you are free to.

Listen to your what your mind is telling you.
Us woman, we have one weakness... we listen to our hearts way too often.
Just remember that your family your babies and your school are the priority in your life. Boyfriends come and go, but family you have only one in your life.
Trust me, if you have even 1% suspisions that he is cheating, than He IS !!!
If I was you I'll just stop seeing him and talking to him for a month, and this will give you clear picture, of what you want to do.
Guys are having way too much power over us, BC they are not as emotionally attached.
I'm speaking from experiance, so trust me on this one.
Good luck with your decisions. If you need more help just Pm me.
You can also go to www.4womantalk.com for advices.

personally, i think your too young to go through this crap..get out while you
can... there are plenty of fish in the sea..... jealous over a pet?? tell him to
get real and grow up, cause i believe he has alot of that to do.
when i get home from work, i greet lexi before my boyfriend too...
she attacks me , and missses me more... and my boyfriends not gonna be
the one who going to pee on the floor first, so i tend to her first.....
he doesnt tell you where he is going and you found phone numbers of girls
you said... smell the coffee sweetie...get out while you can.... you have
hour puppies and your family, you dont need him..... just my opinion, i learned the hard way... more than once.

I think it is time to move on. Obviously he thnks more of himself than he does of you.

It sounds like you have some great goals and you don't need a relationship that is dragging you down. If he is no6t encouraging and supportive nw, it will only get worse.

You are young, have your entire life ahead of you, and with two yorkies, who needs a man.

Agreed! Besides I'm willing to bet it's her yorkies panting at the door excited to see her and not the boyfriend.:D That's the way it is in every yorkie household, isn't it?:p

I have to agree with the others here. I know, easier said than done, but you obviously have a smart head on your shoulders with goals that you are achieving! You AND your babies deserve to be loved unconditionally and there is someone out there to do that. Don't let him bring you down, or brainwash you, or try to make you think "its all in your head!" We DO have a woman's intuition....I believe that, so go with your gut. See how hard he is willing to work to be a part of your life. You have a big heart and put your family first, and school and he needs to understand and appreciate that in you! Good qualities there sweetie ;)
I think you knew what we would all say.....just needed to hear it. We're here for you no matter what your decision!

Relationships are very hard. I always follow one simple rule, you need to be with someone who makes you a better you, not someone who breaks you down. I am married to my very best friend and no one has ever supported me or encouraged me the way he has. That is what everyone deserves. I hope it all works out and you find the one who let's you be you!! :)

The girls are right on the money. I work with lawyers and I see how their schedules are while in law school and then when they start working. If he feels your time is limited now then there really will be a lot of problems after and you are moving into that area. As an atty you put in a lot of hours and your not going to work 9-5 because most firms unless you work for a very small practice require a minimum of 2000 hours plus just to be on track and it's a good bit more to get your year end bonus.

Also think about this if that is his reaction to your fur babies then what would it be like when and if you had children with him. My husband gets a greeting when I get home and so do my three small children, then it's immediately out to walk lex and lulu and then I am back inside to prepare dinner for my family.

Honestly he is showing a lot of signs that would make me go screaming from the room. When you have men act like that they will make you miserable. He is already showing a ton of selfcenteredness. It's not like you are ducking spending time with him to sit and watch all my children.

It is very true that life takes many turns and has many levels. If you look back you can clearly see how you can and will outgrow people and situations at different points in your life.

As for the numbers and messages that shows clearly that if he is not already cheating (which I think he does seeing as he needs attention) he has it on his mind. When you are in a committed relationship there is no entertaining talking to the ex or taking phone numbers.

Honestly honey you are young and moving up in the world. Leave him where he is and concentrate on you and your goals. A good man is hard to find but I don't think that he is one and worth your sacrifices and tears.

Good luck on what you choose to do.

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: right on babe

Here is a quote from your post:
there are other issues including suspicions of cheating (found a girl's number in his phone.. she claims they have been dating for a year.. while we were together, and found two other voicemails from other women as well. All of which he claims as friends, or ex-girlfriends from the past wanting him back) I don't know if he's worth it. I love my dogs, and my mind tells me to leave him, but my heart isn't ready to take him out of my life. I don't trust him whatsoever, he is very abrupt with me on the phone, he never tells me where he is going, and since we are seperated (until I can figure things out with the cheating) he has never once asked about my dogs. But he did get them a diamond collars for my birthday.. does that count for anything?

I think you sort have already figured it out...........just scard to put those feelings into action!!! A big change in your life. If you can't trust, you don't have a relationship, you have little to base a future with him. I've been down that road...........an ugly, bumpy, sad, depressing road!!!! But once you get over it and find out that your life can be so much better, you will be happy and look forward to a future with someone that appreciates you and your furbabies! AND he is out there!

Sounds like a mixture of immaturity, jealousy and selfcenteredness. It's all about him and he isn't able to share. This is the type of guy who will make sure his needs are met and I think you are beginning to realize what you are dealing with because you are able to write it down.

From my experience, guys who are cheating can dig out a tone of excuses to get angry or blame the person they are with currently just to make themselves feel better. He most likely is cheating and blaming you for not having time to spend with him or jealousy over the dogs makes himself feel better or at least feel not so guilty. The birthday present might just be that, to make himself feel less guilty.

Sweetie, you are SUCH a good person - you are taking care of your grandma and that is SO important and shows so much character on your part. You are about to finish school and go to grad school. You have so much ahead of you and you have shown such maturity and compassion - you know the answer to this dilemma! You go girl!!!

my boyfriend is so jealous of skoshi lol!! he says hes not but he is! he wanted me to get him and when he comes over and stays the night hes like why dont you sleep in the bed lol because i sleep with skoshi on the floor. or i kiss skoshi and not him or pet skoshi and dont love on him lol! its funny to me. i love them both!

Run Don't walk to the next exit:) . Your future looks bright:cool:

girl you dont need him, take your dogs and run. you shouldnt have stress, i always heard that if you dont fight then somethings wrong, but if you have to second guess than something is wrong. take your pups and have fun

So...
 

If this happened to you what would you do?

He always says to me, "ashley, I love you, there's no one else I want to be with," etc. But then when I call him.. I have to call him 10 or 12 times before he will pick up. When I spent every moment with him, he always picked up the phone, now that I moved back into my mom's house, he's out all the time. But he gets pissed when I leave the house after 7pm.

The "other girl" sent me a picture of the two of them kissing. At first he denied he was in the picture. Then he claimed he didn't know the girl. And then he said the picture was taken a long time ago (when he was in high school) and the girl is just trying to get back with him. Why would an ex keep an old picture? But he assures me that some women can do this?

Would you just end it? I know in a million years I would never do this to him. I just hate dating.. and hate knowing I invested three years of my life into someone to have him hurt me like this. I love him, but I don't think he will ever change or stop cheating. If you were in my position do you think you could forgive him? I know I can't...but he was my best friend, I told him everything. How do you forget that?

you do seem to be a VERY bright person and I think you know where you should go...
You are WAY too important to let someone treat you that way....
No one can make this decision for you but it appears that you already have and are needing reasurrance!
I agree with everyone here, you are much too good to deserve this, go with your GUT! go to law school, meet you a man who will appreciate you for what you are! A GREAT PERSON!
d

Thank you! I guess I just needed the reassurance! I have already stopped calling him, and am thinking about changing my number. But thank you again! I really do appreciate all of you guys' support. It really means a lot.

Ashley

I think you know what you should do and honestly we can tell you everything we think and our opinions but when it comes down to it you are only going to take your own advice. you honestly have to learn from your own mistakes. When anyone asks for advice about love they probably wont follow that advice until they are ready and until you are fed up. you should listen to that song called when a womens fed up by rkelly. play it for your man. women will go through so much crap for men and ask for so much advice but your gonna follow your own thoughts. do what you feel is right. but like i said you know whats right but i think every women goes through that much crap because they are scared of being loney and trust me you could loose all love and respect for a man and still try and try just for that fact!


and does the girl that you seem him kissing in the picture have more pictures of them together and what this recently also does she live near? if so i would ask her to lunch and invite him without him knowing shes there and then confront him!

i recently went throught the same thing and as hard as it is to let go i was torn up for days, couldnt stop cring because he broke up with me and i was actually shocked bc everything was going ok i thought truth was he was scared of commitment, everything was ok. but now we're just friends and things are great so much better. so follow your heart it will lead u in the right direction. hope that helps

I think this is some of the best advice I've ever seen/heard. Well said!

I do listen to what other people tell me. Any advice my grandmother has given me, I listen. She has never told me anything wrong. Even when it comes to love, I do listen. Also the picture.. I have no idea if it was taken recently, and yes she does live close to me. All she said, was "I can find another guy like him in a minute. I'm not worried about him." That doesn't sound like a heartbroken ex.

He's calling right now. I haven't picked up. I'm so over the drama. I have a paper to write and I have to get up for school at 5am. I just needed some reassurance and a little support from you guys. Thanks so much.

Ashley

Thank you! It took me awhile to realize this, but when I met my husband, it all seemed so clear! :)

Ashley - it sounds like you have a really great head on your shoulders. I agree with what everyone else has said. A significant other should make you a better person, not drag you down. Please don't get caught up in having 3 years with him - just don't spend anymore time or effort. The good memories can stay with you, but don't totally forget the other stuff. If he isn't supportive now, he isn't ever going to be. There is someone out there who is right for you. Make a list of all the qualities you are seeking in a partner and don't settle for anything less.

I have to say that I did not read any replies and am going with my gut here. I'm 39 years old and have been through it all:laugh:

Anyway, if you THINK he's cheating, then chances are, he IS. Go with your gut. You are moving on to bigger and better things (I'm proud of you!!) and you don't need someone trying to drag you down. To be actually jealous of two little doggies is just immature. There are so many men out there that would treat you with the respect that you deserve. It'd be a shame to waste even one more day on this jerk. It'll hurt to leave him behind, sure, but look into your future. If he's jealous of your dogs and the time that you spend helping your grandma, what would happen if y'all had kids?

:girl_hug:

As you said so well in your post: I love him, but I don't think he will ever change or stop cheating.

Loving him will not change HIM..........he has to love you and want to change because HE wants the relationship. I took my first husband back three times after he cheated on me! Was I dumb? No I was deeply in love! But my love did not change his actions or the depth of love for me. So we parted with the deepest hurt and pain in my heart you could imagine! BUT, I met a very nice man who gave me his heart, a gentle and quiet man that I would trust with my life ! Married to him for over 30 years now and he has never said a harsh word to me! The happiest years of my life and still going!So there is and will be someone out there for you that will "appreciate you" and "show it."

WHOSH! I have been here before!!! I was with a guy for off and 3 years. It was the biggest waste of my time! He treated me like crap, told me what I could do, where I could go, who I could talk to, what I could wear, etc. . . While the whole time he was talking to other girls. Threatened to hurt my mom, MY WHOLE FAMILY HATED HIS GUTS! I never listened to them. I also took care of my grandparents during this point, after my grandpa passed away I moved in with my grandma and this made him SO mad. He actually punched me in the face once, it was at this point that I hauled off and gave him a good one right back in his face, what an ass! I caught him dead in his tracks so many times when I could prove he was a cheater, but he ALWAYS had an excuse, and I ALWAYS just ate it up and forgave him! I was an idiot!

I think I could write things for days and still have more to write about him. Thanks gosh I finally smartened up! It's hard at first, but the next year I started dating a wonderful guy I met in college... and he is amazing! AND... He's the guy that I will be spending the rest of my life with! :D

Amazing the whole time I thought I knew what I wanted, but it actually wasn't until I just gave up and said "God, I just can't take anymore. I give it all to you, it's all in your hands" that I met the love of my life. He said he was just at that same point in his life where he said the same thing. Wild.
I know this is long, but from the sounds of it, you can do so much better! There are great guys out there!!!