Originally Posted by Erin I like when my husband will sit in the kitchen and chat with me while I clean up. I don't mind doing it, I think I just get frustrated when I am stuck cleaning and he is sitting in the other room watching tv or whatever. After a couple years of marriage we have figured out that we just need to say what we want. He's not just going to know that I like him to "help" me even if that means waiting around until I'm ready for him to take the trash out. I call him down and say "sit here and talk to me while I do this because I'm going to need your help in a minute".
Also, unless your boyfriend is being unreasonably controlling, which I totally can't tell from your post, I understand where he is coming from. My husband thinks that "cleaning the kitchen" means putting whatever fits in the dishwasher and filling up the rest with water to "soak" (for 3 days... :rolleyes: ) Anyway, I think cleaning the kitchen is doing ALL of the dishes, drying them and putting them away, disinfecting the counters, cleaning the stove and microwave, cleaning up any spills on the floor, etc. He does not get a gold star for putting his fork in the dishwasher, BUT I find that if I have him to the dishes, then I come through and clean the rest and it doesn't seem so bad. It's a good way to share.
Also, some people think about cleaning differently. If I have 10 extra minutes in the morning before I leave for work I will swap a load of laundry or run the dishwasher. He would let clothes sit wet in the washer until he ran out of socks. So rather than feel like I have 18 loads of laundry to do every week, I bought 5 laundry baskets. 1 for towels (which are white, so I can wash them with socks) and 2 for me and 2 for him. I do my laundry first, then the towels, and then if I feel like it I do his clothes. If I don't feel like it, he runs out of clothes! But I find that if I walk upstairs right past his office with HIS clothes in the basket and say "I did your laundry" he actually says thank you. Whereas when it was all combined he would just expect me to do it. And yes he waits until the basket is overflowing and spilling all over the floor to wash his stuff, but at least I can point to his basket and say, "You need to do laundry" And it makes it easy for him because 1 full basket is 1 load, so he doesn't have to come to me and ask. And I even bought white and blue baskets for whites and colors :-)
Anyway, over the last couple years we have come up with little things like this that make me happy without overwhelming him. I honestly am better at cleaning than him, but I already have a full time job and two of us do live there. So I have him do the things he is willing to do, like garbage, and I do the rest.
Another example is cooking. All summer we grill, and I hate grilling, so he grills. Then when it's cold I do most of the cooking inside. We used to fight over who was cooking, but now I keep the frige stocked with easy prep meals from Traders and if neither of us want to cook then we get a pizza or whatever. We used to worry about the cost but we don't go to sit down places, sometimes we just share a sandwich, and i'd rather spend $10 on dinner than fight!
I wouldn't suggest saying things like "who put you in charge" or "OK DAD" because it's not productive. My husband used to say things like this until I put a stop to it. Talking about things is so much more productive. And if he can't explain what he is thinking then you do need to go to a counselor. I dated someone who was like that and it was horrible. Some people just get mad and then you can't get through to them or figure out what's wrong. It's one thing to say "I get stressed when I come home to dirty dishes" because it's the truth. It's also OK to say "I didn't have time to do the dishes today because I was doing ____ all day" It's not OK for him to come home in a huff and be like "you don't know how to clean" because that is unfair. It sounds like you haven't been living together very long and are trying to figure out your roles. You'll work it out, but just make sure that there isn't any resentment or it will come back later to bite you.
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