Men... GRRRRRRR!!!
 

Gosh I'm so ticked off and it's tooooo late to call anyone so I guess I'll gripe her.

So, Adam and I have been living together for almost 3 yrs now. We are not engaged but were happily a couple.

Today, I opened his bank statement (I thought it was from our joint acct) and I saw that he's been going to a bar and not telling me. (I'm sure to some of you this is sending pretty dumb so far but hear me out.) Anyways, he knows (and has KNOWN) that I have an issue w/either of us going to bars/club w/out the other and it's been okay. If he does need/want to go (work function) that's fine but I like to be in the know.

Well, I guess a few times in the past couple months he's been going w/guys AND girls from work (after work). The couple times I noticed he got home later (I usually get home after him) I questioned it, and he said he had a late meeting.

Do I think he's cheating? NO. But he DID lie about going and this PISSES me offf!!! He says I'm overreacting and that everyone "white" lies but to me, this is more then a white lie. He's bringing up (IMO) white lies that I've told like, "Yeah I took Bella" (after she's peed on the floor). I don't think these are the same.

I'm confused, mad, angry and hurt. Am I overreacting?!?!?!

:confused: :( :confused:

That was full of grammatical errors. Sorry. I'm just really ticked off right now.

I dont think your over reacting at all, I would be very pissed off also!

honesty is important

I would be very angry & upset too. That would make me question more things about him & the trust wouldn't be 100% anymore. It would make me wonder why he couldn't just tell me he was going. I hope everything works out for you!:)

I think first off why is it a problem for him to go to the bar by himself with friends? My fiance' goes out on a rare occassion with friends and it's no big deal. Having said that I would have a HUGE problem with him lying about it. I am not really sure what to say but I will say that if he is lying that isn't good because A.) He feels like he can't tell you or B.) he has something to hide or C.) He is a man and doesn't think that much and to him it's no big deal. I would sit down and talk about the situation and compromise, but let him know that him lying doesn't make you happy. Sorry you are going through this I am sure you two can work it out. Please don't take my post as being harsh.

I honestly feel that... what is good for him to do, is good for you to do.
If you "both" have an "agreement" that you do NOT go to the club/bar without each other, Then that should be honored. And the dishonesty part, I would be terribly Angry over it! :mad: :thumbdown

Some couples do not mind the other going out w/ them... But every couple is different. Myself, My Husband and I both will not go to places as such with out the other! We are like Best friends and do not feel the desire to do otherwise. But others feel the need to go out w/ Just their friends... and as long as it is upfront and honest and agreed... That is Great too... if this is the case.. it does NOT mean you are not "Best Friends".. It just proves that we are all different and we all have our own thoughts, feelings and perspectives on all things including relationships. :)

why do men have to hide things from us? I was told they hide little "white lies" because we tend to over react! why do we over react? I guess it's the fact that IMO I dont feel my husband should be at a bar, why cant they go somewhere else to hang out with there "friends"? Why do they HAVE to go to a bar? Why cant they go hang out at a coffee shop. or why cant the friend come to his house and drink beer there? I just dont get the hole bar thing. Yes, I guess if your single and looking to hook up, then maybe a bar is the place, but it's not a good idea for a married man to go to a bar IMO

I absolutely agree with GeorgiesMomma. If it was no big deal, why couldn't he just call you up and tell you he was going to a bar with a few co-workers? The fact that he felt he needed to lie to you about it sends off the red flags. I am NOT saying he was necessarily doing anything wrong, that is for YOU, and only YOU to decide. I am just troubled by the fact that he thinks it is no big deal to lie to you. You have every right to be upset.

:yeahthat: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

I would be mad too. First of all he felt like he had to lie to you??(why) Second of all... I truely feel that a bar is nothing but a pick up place. Bars are for single men and women or ok if couple goes together. I would ask him how he felt if the tables were turned. He may not be doing anything wrong, but I feel if you go to these places enough alone and there are all kinds of other people there looking for someone,,,, eventually things go bad and people cant control themselves. Just my thought. Hope you get it all worked out. Stand strong and dont give in. LOL

Lies between a couple are NEVER a good thing...and a 'white' lie is a lie..just sugar coated..I hate that term..

Dawn

I think it healthy that he does his thing and you do yours but I do think that you should tell each other what you will be doing. Not necc in every detail but to some extent because as a couple, you both have the right to know.

Let him know that you are upset about the situation but add in that you are happy that he goes out with his friends but that he should tell you about it instead of lying.

I think Honesty is important in a relationship

I agree I would be so pissed. a lie is a lie whether it be "white" or not. There would be hell to pay in my boyfriends and I's relationship if I found out he lied to me. He knows this and we've been together for nearly two years now (and living together pretty much the entire time.) With us, He doesn't want to go anywhere without me... and I don't mind it. My time is at work and the time I have to myself before he gets home from work.

JMO.... But Not only does his lieing about his whereabouts show a lack of honesty, his going out without letting you know is disrespectful. Now keep this in mind.... He may feel he has to answer to you... this should not be the case, you should simply tell him that "No, you would just like to know where he's going and that's it."

I would be pissed solely on the fact that he lied. He broke his trust with you, and that is the most important thing in a relationship. If my bf lied to me like that, no matter what the reason was, it would be real hard to forgive him. Maybe it's something you guys can work on though. I hope all turns out better for ya.

I agree with all the others...honesty is probably the most important element in a relationship but it has to be coming from both ends of the relationship. This said I believe that most of the dishonesty comes from your part. Why do you not trust him going out to bars/clubs without you? I am sorry but if you trusted him completely you would have no issues with that.
Try to pin point why you feel insecure with him going out to these places without you and work this out with him.

On the other hand, since you have stressed to him how uncomfortable you feel with this he should have respected that and not gone there in the first place. This is dishonest and disrespectful.

Tell him how you feel...

Well said! If someone trusts their SO, they shouldn't be bothered if they go to clubs/bars w/o them. I go w/o my bf all the time, and he goes w/o me. We never have a problem, and I like it this way :)

I am with you and don't think you are over-reacting at all. Both parties must honor these rules. Good luck

I think Honesty and open communication is very important in a relationship. It is also very important to still be individuals. Why do you not want him to go to a bar? Think about that question.
This is personal, but may help. I didn't want my hubby to go to bars and it was the same way with both of my sisters. No coincidence, our father went to bars and got stinking drunk all the time. He cheated and our mom let us know.
Now, It's been 17 years I've been married to a loving husband. A friend of my hubby wanted to go to a bar that had pool tables, and a live band. I encouraged him to go. I know he would have a great time. He did. He came home and told me all about it. He was not stinking drunk, nor had an affair while he was there.
We now have "Guys Night Out" with the brother in laws, and "Girls Night Out" with my sisters and friends about every month or so.
Talk to your boyfriend and to yourself. What is the reason you don't want him to go? Is it a strip bar? Do you think he will cheat? Please just think about this.
Again, he should not have lied, and the two of you should talk about this. I hope by opening up to you I have helped some.

Thanks so much for everyones replys.

I know alot of us differ on opinion. Some women welcome their SO going out to bars w/out them, some don't. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In the grand sceme of things it's not the fact that he went to the bar. It's that he lied and tried to cover it up. That's what hurts and makes me question things.

Please no one think I keep a leash on this man and don't let him do things he wants to do. He's in a golf league, he stays w/friends out of state on a regular basis, he goes to games etc. It was established early on in our relationship that going to bars (be it strip clubs, clubs, or just bar bars) was not okay in my eyes. I understand that some of you think this is "okay" and that's fine. Just a difference of opinion.

@ waisfull:

I do understand what you mean. My Dad was probably the most jealous individual ever. My Mom was not aloud to have her license, work, go ANYWHERE. This includes to the doctor (unless she was in labor), dentist, store, etc. There was alot of physical/mental abuse. I don't want to get into it but I know ALOT of my insecurities stem from that. I HATED how my Dad was and hated what my Mom went through. I swore I'd never be like him but unfortunately, up until a few years ago, I was very much like him. Now though, I'm not "as bad" and the only thing that bothers me is the bar scene. And LYING.

Personaly I dont feel you need to worry on the fact why you dont want your BF to go out to the bars. The ones that are okay w/ it in their relationships. GREAT for them. Honestly. BUt for those that do not agree on it for Their own... Then GREAT for those. Myself and my Husband. We dont. Their is enough fun out their then to go to clubs and such like that. I loved clubbing when I was single. I mean, I had tons of men hit on me all the time while being out. I can def. see why my hubby would not want me out there without him. And I surely dont want him out there at a meat market >clubs, without me. I know for a fact my baby would not cheat on me nor I him....BUT we all have our own Preferences that works for Us and individuals.

Honesty is always the best policy (something my moms says ALL the time) I def would have been pissed if my fiance lied too me...I wouldnt care if he called and let me know that he was going to the bar(he goes every once in awhile) But if he lied or didnt tell me and i found out later i would be upset

I don't like the lying either. I would be wondering why are you lying??? I then would go into investigative mode and ask a million questions. I was so insecure when I was younger, it hurt us both. Now I realize that life is too short. He shouldn't lie to you and that's that. I hope the two of you have a good talk, and work things out!!:) :)

all men lie some are just better at it than others! personally i would go out to these places and see how it makes him feel turn about is fair play .
maybe you could justs close out the acocunt and keep all the money then he would have to tell you! no i'm just being a meany i know but they don't really think before they do things and need to be shown how it affects others age may have something to do with it? i just really don't feel like going out as i get older..i don't know but i hope he will begin to understand how you feel 7 at the very least realize how it bothers you to be lied to & tricked.

Wow you sound like my mother!! At a young age she started telling us (her daughters) that all men are the same. They all lie, they will all cheat on you and they are all dogs. The effects on us were huge. I had a fear of men for years. I didn't trust my loving husband for years. This almost ruined me.
All people lie. It's in our nature.
I know this is a public forum and people will write what they have gone through in life. None of us are perfect. I have been through the ringer and back with "All men lie." and the rest.
Your SO went to a bar and lied to you. That was wrong. Why did he lie? Did you ask him? If you have open communication in your relationship, you should be able to get through this and prevent future problems. I hope we can all look at this for what it is. It's a lie. Men and Women both do it. We have to ask ourselves Why??

Michelle,

I couldn't agree with you more. Men and Women both lie. I was fortunate to grow up in a house where my parents had a happy loving marriage and there was so much security. My Mother sadly got stricken with cancer and died after 8 years of battling to live but my father was there EVERY minute to get her dressed and do whatever he needed to do to provide love and support. She encouraged him to go play cards with his friends and enjoy life he refused it was more important for him to enjoy the precious time with her. Not to get off the original topic but not just men lie. It's to what degree and the reasoning behind it that you have to figure out.

well I hope all uis well you with and the b/f and everything got clearned up, I know how these arguments can be and there not fun.

Last night I went out to listen to my dads band, I went with my mom, hubby had to work last night so he gave me permission to go out lol I dont ever go to a bar without him unless I'm with my mom. Well I dont smoke or drink much so right off the bat my eyes were burning like fire, I had 1/2 of a wine coolar and I couldnt even finish it, so I switched to ice water.
It was the typical bar scene, we had a few lesbian dance shows! Gross! and a couple slutty dance shows! Gross! Drunk men coming up and trying to get me to dance with them! Hello drunk dude, I'm married, leave me the hell alone!
I did have fun dancing with my mom, I love going out and listening to my dads band, they play classic rock and it's great dancing music, my dad loves what he does and it keeps him young! But I dont go much, just for those reasons!
here is his website if anyone wants to chk it out, my dad is the bald drummer lol
www.randomplayrocks.com