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Dear Master,
>
> The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and
> never comes when
> you call and I've been there and I know she can hear
> you. We need to
> face
> the facts.
>
> IT'S TIME TO GET RID OF THE CAT.
>
> Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive
> times. I would sit
> and stare attentively at your lips, trembling
> slightly and drooling. You
> would play the game of pretending to be cross and
> demand that I leave
> the area,
> but whenever you cooked dinner your children would
> slip me bites of food
> under the table.
>
> Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table
> -- actually
> physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the
> cat, you just pick
> her up
> and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't
> see it, but she
> always gives
> me an haughty look as she saunters past me.
>
> And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied
> to eat the gritty
> pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the
> giant bags, right?
> Have
> I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal?
>
> But now I find out that the cat is being served
> lobster and salmon
> and crab - and she never consumes all of it!
>
> This means there are little containers of delectable
> snacks lying
> around and how can I be blamed for making sure they
> get eaten? Why do
> you get
> so mad?
>
> As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't
> that what's
> important?
>
> Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat
> goes to the
> bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking
> basins like you do, but
> in a
> sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if
> some woman brings
> her baby
> over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been
> using it as a toilet? I
> used to police the thing for you, but you put it up
> out of my reach for
> some reason.
>
> I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the
> bed and I'm not.
> I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think
> her purring sounds
> unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.
>
> And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like
> saliva from
> licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such
> ridiculous places.
> I often
> smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you
> give me baths all the
> time.
>
> And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a
> nap and she'll
> come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm
> too tired to do
> anything about it, but then later the other dogs
> smell her scent on me
> and crack a lot
> of jokes at my expense.
>
> So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the
> family to complete
> ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to
> your attention,
> but now
> that I have, I think we can all agree that we should
> go back to the way
> it
> was, when I was the #1 pet.
>
> Sincerely, The Dog
>
> P.S. I tried to get a note from the fish concerning
> the cat, but
> apparently the fish believes that everything
> happening outside its bowl
> is some kind
> of reality TV show.