She's having nightmares.
 

I don't know what to do. As many of you know, I have had my niece here with us for the last year. Her mommy (my sister) got into some trouble. Well she will be getting out in Sept. I talk about her all the time. And Cherish knows who her mommy is. She plays with one of my old cell phones and pretends she's talking to her mommy almost every day. But when she calls for real, Cherish wont say anything. We've gone to see her quite a bit when she was close but they moved her far,, (about a 4 hour drive) We've only gone once to see her since she's been there. Well we are planning on going to see her this weekend and I keep telling Cherish that we are going to see her mommy. Well every time I bring it up she'll start to cry and say "I don't want to go see my mommy. And the last 2 nights she's has had nightmares. Like she did when she first came to us. I don't know what to do about it. I tald my mom and she said that she'll be ok once she sees her. I just don't know. My sister is going to be getting her back as long as she stays with my mom and stays clean. And now I am worried. I do plan on going back to work once Cherish leaves, but I worry about this and don't what Cherish to go though any more heartship then she has already gone through. She is 3 and a HANDFULL!!!!! I sometimes count the days till her mom gets out but other times I worry so much. I know my sister has learned her lesson and I really think being in there really scared her enough to do the right thing and stay clean and be there for her daughter. But like most cases she just may start up again thinking she will not get caught,,,,, I hate the idea of this poor little girl going thought this again. Only this time I will not beable to take her in if I go to work. I feel so torn and don't know what to do about Cherish's nightmares. Do you think she can remember anything bad that may have happened to her while with her mother? She had just turned 2 when her mom went away and I didn't think she would remember much,,,,, but I feel she has something going on in her head and worry so much about her. What should I do about this weekend? Should I still go?

I wanted to share her picture. I just can't stand to this precious litte face sad, scared or confused! It kills me to think of what this little girl has been through in her short life. Oh I hope and pray my sister does right by her!

Go, but don't push her. Tell her that she does not have to go in to see her if she does not want to but she at least has to drive there with you. It may be good for your sister seeing how her decisions have hurt Cherish. I feel for your niece right now. My husband is a drug addict. That is why we are seperated and why I am fighting for a divorce right now. I don't know how I will ever explain to Mia why her daddy left us. He is homeless, living on the streets somewhere in Kansas. He has been to rehab 7 times. He would stay clean for maybe a month or two, the longest was 6 months, then go right back to it. He was good at hiding it. PM me if you need to, I will be happy to privatly share with you the details and the signs that I have noticed to look for. Good luck to you and your family. I will say a prayer for you and Cherish.

I wish I could help in some way. But all I can say is good for you for stepping up and helping your niece. She needs you right now and probably looks at you as more of a mom than her own. She is probably feeling anger and resentment, but not knowing why. She just knows mommy went away. She may be thinking it's her fault, that she did something to make mommy go away. It's hard to guess. Get her to draw a picture for you and evaluate the picture. She will probably draw something from her dreams or fears. You may get some insight into her mind that way. I will Pray that this little girl gets some normalcy back into her life and no more heartbreak.

What a sweetheart :) I'd say her nightmares are NOT from what she remembers before. I think they're related to the present. She knows YOU, your routines, your love, etc., etc., now she's being told her mother's coming back. She doesn't KNOW her mother. In her mind, you have filled that role, and now the threat (in her mind) is you're going away and she has to go with a stranger. I'd advise more visits with her mom,(a pain I know because of the distance) so she gets to know her, and less talk, right now anyway, of how she's going to live with momma. It wouldn't hurt for her to spend some time with your mother, so there's more familiarity there too. :) I hope your sister stays clean and sober....there's someone more important in the picture ;)

Im so sorry! I could not imagine being in your situation. my best friend (cpmarried) went through something similar as a child. I just asked her to post to you. God Bless you, and good luck..

Thank you Claire, wow I will say a prayer for you as well. I do know the signs. My sister has had her ups and downs but had been on and off for the last 13 years. I can totally tell when she starts using. But this is the first time she been sent away for it. We all thought she would stay clean after she had Cherish. She had been clean for 4 years, but after a devorce, getting pregnant by someone she really didn't know and having the guy leave after learning of her pregnance, having to move back to my moms, and dealing with a father who had a racism issue due to her baby being mixed. (Which he has come to terms with now and loves Cherish just as much as his other grandkids) I think it was a bit much for her and turned to her old friends. She need to learn how to deal with issues and not run to durgs when things get bad. I hope and pray with the family support she can really stay clean.

Vainchick thanks for the kind words. I was very lucky I was able to take her in and care for her and show her a life she so deserves. She is surrounded by lots of people who love her. And we all will worry so about her well being once she leaves.

Deb, yes I think once she is at my moms house she will be ok. She is used to my moms house. It's were she was born and the only stable place she's been becides here. She's comfortable there although she did give me a hard time the last time my mom watched her. She cried for a bit but was fine the rest of the time she was there. I think I will be spending a little more time at my moms to she can get used to it. Because going to see her mom being that she is so far, it hard for me. I have 3 kids of my own and although my husband is great it's hard to get away too often. Me and my mom were talking the other day, and we decided that we will take turn driving up to see her every month till she gets out. I hope with Cherish seeing her more she'll get to know her a little better. And we are planning on a weekend stay. They have a probram where the inmates can have a weekend visit with thier family. They have small apartment sized housing were we can stay the weekend with her. So we plan on doing that a few weeks before she gets out. Hopefully she will get to know her mother alittle that way.

Thank you Heather

Well I think it is alittle of both (past and present)! If she does remember something from before than it could be causeing her to clig to you and causeing her to have nightmares about going back! I was a little over 2yrs when my dad got full custody of me! Before that I was with my mother (she was a drugie)! She was bruning me with cigarettes and making me carry drugs in my diaper(just in case she got stoped by the cops)! Now that being said I don't remember it, but on a subconsiuos leave I do! B/c to this day I am deathly afraid for anyone to come near me with a cigarette! Even if they are not come at me in a violante way! I still freak out! Just let her tell you what is wrong and if she doesn't watch her actions! She could be showing you something and you not realize it! Anyway just thought I would try to help!

Paula

Thank you Paula. You story made me cry. No baby should have to go through this. I am so sorry! Yes my sister did confess that she did alot of stupid things in front of Cherish. She seen her mother being roughed up by the police when not complying to ther commands at the time of arrest. And I know that had to have some long lasting affects to her. Even though she was so young, I really thinks she remembers.

Monica, I think the plans you mentioned above are great ideas and will help immensely. I think I'd play up how much fun it to visit, how much you look forward to seeing her momma or grandma, etc. with no mention of her having to "GO" live any where else. Doesn't that sound kinda scarey to you? You are GOING away. Makes it sound like she's done something wrong and perhaps that's how she feels...she's done something wrong and you're sending her away.....sigh, I hope she doesn't really feel that way. Any way, play up the fun in visits, do something crafty the week before for momma and take it or make cookies, something she thinks is fun and tell her... oh, how pleased and surprised momma will be.

Deb, I have not mentioned anthing about her going with her mommy t her. Just that we are going to see her at school (that's where she tells everyone when they talk about her mother) But that is a very good idea when it comes that time. Thanks for the great advise. She loves making cookies!

Well, cookies it is then. When my dd was younger, I could've told her we're going to Mars if I acted/sounded like it was the most exciting trip ever. She had surgery when small, and I even had her convinced "woo-wee, what a great time that was going to be" (even though I felt sick).

God bless all of ya'll ;)

I hope so too... Cherish is so lucky to have you.

thank you so much for saying that. I am so happy I was able to take her in. It makes me so sad to know that at the age of 3 she has been though so much bad things!

Have you gone to counselling with her? I know it sounds crazy for one so young.. But if you go to someone who is primarily into behavior modification for children, it can help. The way it was described to me was that it's not so much that a child "remembers" situations, details, etc ...but they do "remember" instability, fear, insecurity..and even anger... and they counsellor can help everyone who is a caregiver for the child help her to find ways to cope with that.
The hard part will be when your sister gets out. Poor little girl probably doesnt trust or believe in her own mommy...and that will make it hard for mom. Most addicts have not been clear headed enough to have a "real picture" of parenthood in their heads and need help understanding that its not all love and hugs.. It's snot, pulled teeth, vomit, whining, teaching, repeating yourself...etc..
I wish you luck and let us know how she is doing.
Bren

Monica, you are an angel! :angel2dl:

LOL,,,,, I have my moments. But thank you!

Well it went ok this weekend. It took Cherish to warm up to her mother but after that she was really good. Now the problem,,,, This is what I see. She is angry and she does not understand why her mommy can't be with her. First of all we had a really tough time potty training her and now that we got it down, she goes and sees her mother, she messing up. It's like she doesn't care. Since it was a 4 hour trip, I had a pull up on her and even with that she did well. I stopped 2 times for potty breaks there and back. But while we were there she went in her pull up. I was so upset with her. My mom had taken her before we got to the meeting place. And I kept asking her if she had to go every so often. I told my sister to be asking her too. But she went anyway in her pull up. She also gave my sister a hard time when it came time to say bye. Cherish kept asking if her mommy can come with us. I know it was hard for my sister and I can see her eyes getting watery. She tried to hug and kiss Cherish and Cherish gave her a dirty look and did not want to even look at her went it was time to go. And when we got to the car Cherish was really quite. It wasn't till we were like half way home she starting talking. She was acting like she was talking to Des (my daughter) and she went on and on about seeing her mommy and that her mommy hates her. Me and my mom just looked at each other and just cried. She thinks her mommy hates her. We tried to tell her that her mommy loves her and she will be coming home real soon. I am making an appointment with her doctor to see what she thinks we should do.

Yesterday she wet 2 times in her panties. I'm trying to be understanding here but after the second time, I was very upset with her and did swat her butt. I FEEL REALLY BAD! I know there's something going on in her head and I need to be more understanding with her. We are having a better day today. She's gone potty by herself 3 times today and we haven't had any accidents.

My husband was talking to her last night and she told him that she went to go see her mommy and she sat on her lap. There was no talk of hate or bad things at all. And today she was talking to her mommy (acting) and she was telling her that she misses her and that she is going to buy her a candy when she sees comes to see her. We are planning to go see my sister more and I'm hoping that if Cherish sees her more often she wont think her mommy hates her. This is so hard and I know Debbie sees what her daguhter is going through. And I hope and pray that she does right by this little girl and most all herself and makes a go of a happy drug free life for her and her daughter.

Thank you all for listening. This has been tought on all of us and it really helps to let it all out. Thank you all for your kind words! I means alot!

Bless her little heart. At least she's talking, though. That way you can have some insight into what's going on in that little mind of hers. She is SO lucky to have you!

Wow, this is a hard one. I am an aunt and a mother too. I think it's great that you took her daughter in, as I would do the same for all of my nephews. I think that you should be a little easier on her on the potty training issue. She is going through a very stressful time, when people come into and out of a child's life. The last thing she needs is to feel bad about her self and be spanked. I would try to use more positive reinforcement than negative with her. Give her a treat, like some kool-aid, candy, cookies, or a toy right after she does go potty. I would not yell at her or hit if she does have an accident, but talk to her and explain to her that big girls go in the potty and alot of other talking.
As for her mother, do you keep alot of pictures around for her daughter to see? I would try to get a video of her to play or some kind of sound recorder. Those trips will be very hard on everyone, but what happened with her mom is something the mother needs to see. Her mother needs to see how all of this is affecting her child. Hopefully this will help her stay out of jail when she finally gets out and give her a reason to stay clean. As for the daughter, try to make it easier on her, speak happily about going on the visits, take her out for ice cream after wards as some type of reward. Try not to cry around her, kids can sense the mood around them. Kids say a lot of things they don't mean just to get attention she doesn't hate her mother, she is just mad that she's not getting what she wants and she doesn't understand. Definately keep talking to her and let her know how much everyone loves her. Good luck

Thank you for your advise. Yes we have pictures out and she talks to them. And she thnks her mommy hates her. She just told Des that her mommy does not want her. We hare trying to talk to her about her mother. Like "Your mommy loves you and she can't wait to be with you"

I feel really bad with the spanking thing! I was frustrated and took it out on her. It must be so hard on her and I have to understand that. I thought it was being bounced from place to place that was giving us the hard time training. But now that we got it down I have to realize that we are going to have accidents here and there. And little things like this can put a set back on some issues like potty training. I can't tell you all how much this means to me. I can say that letting this out and listening/reading to what you all have to say it's really helping me deal. Thanks again!

Monica, my heart goes out to you. I read all the posts, Cherish is a very lucky girl. She has had a very hard life. I'm afraid she’s going to remember bits and pieces of things that have happened. You might want to look into counseling for her. I think she is scared because she’s not really sure what is going on. Bless her heart, she’s still a baby. She’s very confused, about her Mom, and I think she is worried about you too. She has a bond with you, and is afraid she’s going to loose it. I’m glad she’s going to be with her Mom again, it’s best your sister will be living with your Mom, because Cherish is going to need her Grandma. I like the cookie idea, maybe you can have a craft day too. She can make pictures for her Mom.
As far as Potty Training, I think her accidents are due to fear. She’s scared, and it’s her way of letting you know. Our Daughter did the same thing when she first came to live with us. She really wanted panties with ruffles, and with one week of no accidents, she had ruffles in every color. We talked to her and told her, she was a big girl and if there was a problem we can talk about it. She stopped wetting her pants. She still comes up with some off the wall questions for us. But at least she knows, no matter what it is, we will always work things out.

Your family has been thru a lot. You said you have children, I’m sure this has been hard on them too. It’s not easy explaining why people do the things they do.
Three of our children were severely abused, our youngest it started when she was two, She’s now fourteen, and has many problems. Counseling helps, but it also proved just how much she remembers. They didn’t fill us all in before the adoption, and I must say we were shocked at just how much they left out. We would have adopted them any way, but I could have prepared our boys a little better. Explaining things to them was not easy.
I wish your Family the best, and every thing works out for you. Someday Cherish will know just how much you have done for her. We will keep you all in our Thoughts & Prayers. Thank you for helping Cherish, You’re a real Angel. Hugs to your family. :hug:

Thank you so much for your kind words! It really means alot to me. And may God bless you and your family. Those kids of your sound just precious. And thanks to people like you they have a second chance to have a happy life with someone who will love them like they should have been from the start! Hugs right back at you!