I don't know what to do!!!
 

I just got a call from my Husbands uncle. David my father in law has took another turn for the worse and refuses to go back on machines. He is having trouble breathing and has lost his sight. I tired to wake Tim and he does not want to go to the hospital. I feel so bad and know this is going to really bother him if he passes and didn't go see him. He has his reasons and his uncle is being really pushy. We had friends over to watch the game and Tim had a bit to drink. If I force him to go things can get ugly at the hospital. Although David was never there for Tim and Jack (his brother) their uncle just don't understand why Tim and Jack don't have those loving feelings for their dad. I feel so bad. I will be up waiting to hear something. What should I do?

Ok,,,,,, it's very late and I don't think anyone is on. I am going to try and get some rest.

Moncia,
How did everything go? Any change in your Father in Law? Keep us posted.. You are all in my prayers

Well he his not good. He let them put a oxygen mask on him. I really didn't get much sleep. I talked to Tim before he went to work and he said he will not go but to calll him if there are any changes. I went to go see him early this morning and talked to the doctors and they say he is still hanging in there but it does not look good. He will not beable to breath on his own much longer and they will not hook him up again. He is somewhat alert. He will open his eyes when you call him but he can't talk or move much at all. His sight is not completely gone. He does see shadows. I feel so bad for my husband. My family are all so close,,,,,, crazy but close. I know Tim has some feelings deep inside for his dad or he wouldn't have tried to help him out. Right?

You can't force your husband to go see him- it is his choice... you just have to do what you feel is right for you.

If your husband asks how is he doing, instead of telling him, maybe have him call the hospital and ask- if he hears how bad things are from someone other than family, it will sink in and he will go see him.

I am sorry you are going through this.... keeping you all in my thoughts.

I think it is best if you can ask your husband to just go for 10 minutesso that he won't have any regrets. I just lost my fater in law in November and I had taken care of him for the past 15 months and I do not regret any of it even though at times i wanted to ring his neck! i have known him for 35 years and my husband who usually isn't very helpful really sp[ent time with his dad in the last 15 months. Prior to that he lived alone in Florida, and he felt so much better knowing he was there for his dad at the end of his life. Although my husband couldnot go to the hospital when they called me to say he had passed away suddenly. I respected that he wanted to remember him alive. So I went and said prayes over his body with the hospital chaplin.Good luck and keep us posted on yor FIL.

Yes my husabnd has many emtions going on right now. He had 2 nightmares (as he calls them) that David was knocking on the back sliding window asking where his trailer was. And the other was about the time we went to go see him and David and he was telling Tim that he was so sorry for doing this to us. Tim just chuckeled and said actually you did it to yourself. Well he hears his fathers voice and saying "I'm sorry" and I know it's getting to him.

I try and get him to open up but I don't want to be too pushy. The other day he came home from work and started playing with my son with the football. I told them to take it outside and when they were done, Tim came in and said "you know my dad and I never did play. Not once do I remember him ever being there. He left when I was 3 and I would see him once ever few years. I can not imagine him not wanting to play catch or even wanting to get to know me when growing up" I can see that he was starting to get watery eyed. I didn't know what to say. I gave him a hug and a kiss and just left it alone. I feel so bad for him and just don't know what to do for him or tell him.

Sometimes just letting the person wake up to what they are doing helps. I think as hard as it is, you have to let him come to the realization. Because if he does see him and it gets worse, you don't want to be responsible for pushing it on him. Another route is, if you're close to his brother, or maybe even a friend, someone outside the situation that you can talk to. Quietly ask them to intervene and help him realize what he's doing. Sometimes we take our loved ones for granted and don't listen, but when an outsider tells us the same thing, we listen.

This is a hard one. David has 4 children Tim and Jack from my mother in law and he also had 2 other kids whom he hasent seen since they were little. They are now 24 and 27. David has nobody! Many have tried to help but he just didn't care. Tim is the only one who tried out of his 4 kids. Jack wants nothing to do with his father. I can honestly say the only people he has that actually care is his brother who has been the only one going to see him becides me, a sister who lives in Japan and a aunt that loves him BUT again don't want him going to stay with her either. It's a mess I tell you. This man did not live a good life. He made very bad choices in life and now he's all alone. It's sad because I was not brought up that way. That's why I go and see him. It's so hard to put myself in my husbands shoes because although my parents seperated when I was young, I had a good life. I've always had the love of both parents.

I just called and he is still the same. No better but no worse either.

Sweetie, I'm sorry about your father in law. I think the best thing you can do is kiss and hug your husband. Sounds like his biggest regret is not "having" a father, and everyone wants their parent to love them, even if they deny it. My dad and older brother didn't have the best relationship....know what my brother told me through tears....(his and mine) all he ever wanted my father to say is that he was proud of him...period. And he never got that. So I suspect your husband mourning the loss of a father that sounds like he didn't have. Some situtations, try as we might, just can't be FIXED....

God bless :)

thought of something else.....tell Tim the best thing he CAN do...is be the father to your son that he (Tim) wished he had ;)

Oh believe me he is a good daddy to all 3 of our kids and a great uncle to my 3 year old niece whom I have there with us,,,,,, (whole other story). He made a promise to me and himself that if (God forbid) something happens between us and we split up he will always be there for his kids. His children are his life! And little Timmy adores his dad and well as the girl.

I know exactly how you feel. My family is also very close which my husband really likes. My FIL passed away almost 11 yrs ago. He was an alcoholic....but he was always there for his kids and provided for them very well. They were bought anything and everything....but the one thing money couldn't buy...was the love and closeness that they missed. But when my FIL got sick and was in the hospital from May until July, I went to the hospital almost everyday (but that was how I was raised and I didn't want to have any regrets because my FIL and I had our differences also)....but my husband only went a few times. I tried to get him to go with me but he had no desire to go....but I think if he knew then how he would feel now....that he would have went and been the better person. There is nothing he can do about it now!

To this day my husband still goes through bouts of depression and missing his dad. And I'm sure regrets about their relationship. I love my MIL....but she didn't help the matter by staying married to him and voicing her feelings to the boys. He messed around on her alot....but he provided well so she stayed :rolleyes: I remember when my stepson was about 5 yrs old and how hateful he talked to my FIL because that is how he heard my MIL talk to him....it was really sad.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you are going through right now. If at all possible....I hope your husband puts his feelings aside, for now, so that he doesn't have any regrets later on. Plus, he needs to set an example for his kids and show them that sometimes we have to set our differences aside in order to be a better person in the end!

Tina

I know I've said it before, Monica, but you are a wonderful soul.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Well we just came back from the hospital. Things are really bad and the doctors can't give no real answers. He can go on this way for a while or he may not even last the night. They are going to make him a comfortable as possible and just let him go when he is ready. His breathing is very shallow and he is not really responding much anymore. Tim sat by him for a good hour and talked to him. At times it seemed like he knew we were there. He looked as if he wanted to open his eyes but just couldn't. We both went in together but I only stood for 20 minutes or so and left him to be alone with his dad. I was so proud of him for being the better person and I know he feels better about himself too.

I'm a mess and tired, it's been a very long and emotiional day. But it was worth all the effort it took to get Tim to go.

Thank you all for your kind words. This had been a hard time for me and you all have been there. Thanks for the support!!! You all are so wonderful.

Hope it all turned out ok Monica...

I really felt it did. It was really hard seeing David like that. I know if Tim didn't go see him, he would have regreted it sooner or later. He may have not been there for Tim when Tim needed him but he is his father and he would not be here if it wernt for him. And I trully feel that David mistakes made Tim a better man.

Well we got a call around 4:30 this morning and David was really bad and they were pretty much sure that it was time. Tim had already left for work so I got up and went to the hospital but in the 15 to 20 mintues it took me to get dressed, brush my teeth, get in the car and get there,,,,, he had already passed. I called Tim's uncle who was on the way and wated for him to get there to see David. I was going to wait for uncle John to get there and leave. I didn't really want to see David but I am so glad I did. He looked very peacfull. I had that ugly image of him gasping for air and the facale expresstions he had when trying to breath stuck in my head. But after seeing him laying there like he was asleep peacfully I feel much better and know he is at ease and feeling no more pain.

I want to thank you all for your prayers. I really feel they helped in getting Tim to go see his father in the beginning and end. Thank you all for your support!!! You all are just so awesome.

Wow! I'm so sorry. :( I just read this thread and it's a tragic story. I hope that your husband can find some closure. Prayers are coming your way.

Oh Monica...I just saw this post and you have my condolences....what a hard thing for your family...I'm so sorry sweetie....

Monica and family ,,
Sending you loving thoughts of peace and know that love is eternal.
Deb

Thank you all for your kind words. It is so sad how David left this world so alone. I hope that with Tim going to see him, it made it a little easier on him. He had been in hospital for 40 days and it was an up and down battle. I personally think they let him go on longer then he should have. But he is now resting in peace and no longer in pain. Tim went to go see his father and I know David was happy with that. In the long run I know Tim will be happy he was there for is dad in the end. He will never have that ugly lingering feeling of regret. I do have myself a good man with a big heart and is able to put aside any hard feelings to make his father not die feeling that nobody cared. I am so proud of him!!!