friends daughter,14 hanging out with a 18yr old???
 

Yesterday I went to my friends house to help celebrate her son's 21 birthday. She also has a daughter who will be 15 in May. As we were talking my freind asked my daughter who is 17, a senior, if she knew some girl because she is also a senior in my daughters high school. My daughter said yes why? Well apparently her daughter has been hanging around with this girl. My daughter told her not to let her hang out with her because she is not a good influence. My friend says,"well she likes my chicken cutlets" My daughter was like wait she ate over here?? Apparently they are friends. Which I think is strange because why would you let your 9th grader hang out with a 12th grader??? Anyway as we were leaving her daughter says,"oh I might be going to the prom" WHAT??? I said with who??? and she says with this girl??? I don't understand ...Is it me???

I have been friends with her since I was 14 I'm 51 now. She is my first son's godmother. Our kids are kind of like cousins. Her kids call me aunt and mine do the same to her. My older daughter will be 21 on Friday. So her son and my daughter are only 11 days apart. I know she is pretty strict about who her kids hang out with. I am surprised at this whole thing.

My daughter says she dresses scantily and she smokes outside the gates of the school with the "bad kids"
My friend tells my daughter oh well your mother smoked when she was 18 (which I did and she knows that) Your mother lets you get a tattoo but she wont let you smoke??
I couldn't believe my ears. I told my freind she could get as many tattoos as she wants but she cant smoke.

It's bad enough she is allowing her to hang out with this older girl but to go to the prom??? I dont understand??

Maybe her daughter can be a good influence on the other girl? Does her daughter seem pretty grounded? It sounds like they are just a little more than 2 years apart and that doesn't sound like much at that age. You can give some opinions on friends, but I don't think a parent should forbid a friendship unless the friend is using drugs or alcohol or doing other illegal things. The more a parent protests a relationship, the more the child will be drawn to it and seek it out. What do you think the mother should do?

First of all I think she shouldn't allow her daughter to go to the prom!! Thats number 1. I would watch this relationship very closely. I mean my son is going to be in the 9th grade next year . I don't see him hanging out with a 12 grader. At this age 3-4 yr difference is huge. This girl is driving.

Well, schools have different rules, and some schools say a freshman can go to the prom, of course, a parent can veto the idea, but I'm not sure a parent's friend should veto the idea. :p Also, you say she will be 15 next month, and most seniors are only 17, so that's really not that big of gap. I'm confused, is it a romantic relationship, or just a friendly relationship? Is the prom chaperoned or a free for all? I'd be more concerned about drinking and driving than anything. Again, some 15 year olds could handle an older relationship and some couldn't, just depends on the girl.

No not a romantic relationship. Which doesn't bother me. Its the age and the fact that my daughter knows this girl and how she is. I didn't say anything to my friend as it is really none of my business. I think a Prom should be for the seniors. It is not a high school dance for everyone. It is a privilege to go and I just don't think a 9th grader being there is appropriate. I mean you don't have to have a date. When my son went, he's 22 now, he went with a group of friends male and female. It is very formal with tuxedos, gowns and limousines. It is chaperoned and it is at a very high class catering venue. I don't care what she does with her kids, I just know I would never allow it. Knowing how she is though I am just very surprised.

It just makes me mad that she says things to my kids like," oh your mother smoked' when she was the one that I learned to smoke from.

She has everything to say about my parenting..always..but I was taught to keep my mouth shut. This is the one whos mother told my daughter that her tattoo was nice but doing it in the name of my dad, her grandpa, ..he would be mad because she ruined her body in his name!!!

She was never taught to think it dont say it!!! Like I said I would never say anything to her about this prom thing I just think its odd is all.

Regardless that going to prom is a priviledge, it also ruins it a lot when you get older. My sister went to her prom all 4 years of high school (she had an older boyfriend so she was able to go at 15), and said that by senior year, it was absolutely boring and overdone. She should def wait to go until she gets older. I waited until senior year to go and I had a blast!

When I was 15, I never hung out with a 17 year old. Personally, when I was 17, I don't think I'd want to hangout with a 15 yr old, no offense to any 15 yr olds though. The fact that your friend brings up the fact that you smoked at that age, ect. maybe you should retort back that i don't want my daughter to make the same mistakes as i did....whether that was a mistake or not, i personally don't know, but that is always my mom's retort when i used to say things about stuff she did wen she was younger.

I agree. It just brings up the question not only in my mind but in all 4 of my kids mind...why would a senior want to hang out with a freshman??? Let alone go to the prom together!!!

Thanks for giving me a clearer understanding, I can see why you are upset by the whole thing. I'd actually feel better about the girl going if it were a romantic relationship, but if it's not, it means they are going to the prom stag, and looking for fun. She may be too young to look for that sort of fun. Also, I'd be upset if she blabbed about smoking, but I bet it didn't bother your kids, it's may have even made them feel good to know that you've made a few mistakes too.

She really crossed the line when she said that about your daughter's tattoo even if she didn't approve of it. Telling someone the "ruined their body", is really mean. Sounds like there's something going on between the two of you, and it sounds like your daughter is still angry at the tattoo comment, I know I would be! I think she deserves an apology from your friend, how she deals with her own daughter may not be any of your business, but what she says to your daughter is definitely your business. Have you talked to her about this? Does she feel like she can just say anything at all to your daughter?

Actually it wasn't my friend, it was her mother,(she lives with them). It's the 14yr olds grandmother.
I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They never learned to keep it shut unless if you have something nice to say.
No the smoking comment didn't bother my kids, they know I smoked when I was younger..thinking I was cool!! They know.

Her 14yr old emulates everything my daughter does. I mean everything. She looks up to my daughter I guess. I bought my daughter a princess crown necklace a number of years ago..don't you know she got one too. When we went over there yesterday and she had a temporary tattoo on her wrist of the wings with the heart...the same one my daughter has. When my daughter asked her about it she said her friend got it out of a gum ball type machine at toys r us and she gave it to her. My daughter just rolled her eyes at me as if to say.."she did it again"

I mean I could go on and on. Whenever her kids got sick her mom would say "oh you got it from her kids" When my kids weren't even sick.

She would put this 21 yr old, when he was a baby, in the high chair in the livingroom for hours so she didn't have to chase him and the squirt him with a squirt bottle if he started to get antsy.

But she is mother of the year!!

When I lost my twin girls I got pregnant again within 3 months and she says to me, "Oh don't you people have a tv"

So I am very used to the way she is, but I am not like that. I say nothing.

If it was my son who is 13 hanging around with a 16 or 17 yr old that I now know is a bad influence. I certainly would not allow them to "hang out" I definitely would not let them go to the prom together!!!

So what she does with her kids I bite my tongue and say nothing. I just thought this was very odd. I mean can't they find friends their own age??

I'm confused. Our highschool is 9th-12th, so I'm assuming yours is the same? So, aren't they all in high school together anyway, so possibly eat lunch together, have classes together, play on sports teams together, go to games & dances together?

Both my kids played Varsity sports as freshman so that meant they were automatically around a few kids their age and more kids that were older. They also took college prep coursework that meant they often in classes with older kids.

Then, they both graduated high school at 17 and went away to college. Then a whole other age range starts.

Well, it sounds like there is some competition going on between the girls, as in the grandma and mom maybe a little jealous of your girl? It's not unusal for the young one to copy and older girl. Lol, If no one ever copies you, you probably don't have very good taste! It really sounds like the 14 year old admires you daughter a little too much and maybe she'll hang out with any 17 year old that will allow her to hang out with them? Usually the older child, won't stand for it. So now I'm wondering what's in it for the 17 year old?

This is the first I've read of chasing a child with a squirt bottle, is this really considered a good thing? I know the high chair is a bad thing, kids need to explore and crawl, but why the squirt bottle. Oh, it's a good thing I'm not on any parenting forums, I'd go nuts.

I'm so sorry that you lost your twin girls, that must have been so hard for you, and your friend really sounds so insensitive. I don't know, sometimes they say opposite attract, how does your friend support you in your life? Has the friendship become more of a competition? You say that you don't speak up, maybe you should tell her some of the things that are bothering you. If talking is too hard, sometimes a letter can help. If you talk about how she makes you "feel" instead of how she is wrong, maybe she'll listen.

Yes our high school is 9th through 12th also. My older son and daughter both played varsity soccer and they were around the older kids too but they didn't go over their house to hang out and eat over. They may have sat with them in lunch and stuff but this doesnt sound like that at all. These 2 are hanging out. The 9th grader is going to the prom with the 12th grader??? This is not just some high school dance. It's the prom!!

We have a 2 yr rule for our teenagers. I see nothing a 15 yr old has in common with an 18 yr old...

You're saying that your kids that played varsity, practiced for hours everyday after school, rode the bus to away games, did team bonding activities and team dinners,etc, had the natural comradery that forms on a team sport, and yet didn't make friends with these same players, such that they hung out or ate over???

Maybe your attitude towards prom is generational. I don't think its the be-all and end-all of high school activities like it once was. For my kids, "homecoming" was formal and so was the "winter formal". My daughter went to prom 3 years of high school and didn't view it as that big of a deal. My son went two years. Other than alot of extra decoration, it didn't differ much from the other formal dances they attended.

I dont know where you live but here the prom is a very big deal. Really big. Yes my kids did all the things you said, but when the season was over they didnt see these kids but only in passing at school. They didnt eat over my house for dinner one on one...never. This girl doesnt play sports it is nothing like that at all. A 17 or 18 year old should not be "hanging out" with a 14/15 year old. That is just odd to me. I just want to say why???

I know I would never allow my girls or my boys to hang out with such a age difference.

I found it odd that my friend allowed it and then when I heard the prom story I was flooored!!

Prom was a huge deal where I grew up, as it was the only formal event during the entire school year -- and even though it was technically a junior and senior event, freshmen and sophomores could go as the junior or senior's date/guest. I went as a sophomore, and knew plenty of others who went as freshmen and sophomores -- no one really thought of it as a big deal for an upperclassman to take an underclassman. I don't see the age difference as a huge gap since they are at the same school, involved in the same activities...

Our prom here is strictly a senior event. Unless you are dating a junior then they can go. You just can't bring a friend as a "date"
I mean our graduating class is about 700 kids, just seniors. My daughter and her friends are going on a cruise around Manhattan Island after the prom. It is really a big deal to these kids.

My daughter told her that this girl is a bad kid and someone she should not be hanging out with.

Whatever it's not up to me as to what she allows her kid to do.

Thankfully you don't have to do anything about it. It doesn't sound right letting a teen hang out with somebody like that.

That said, the age difference is nothing to me. My bff is three years older than me. My closest friends...most of them are at least 15 years older than me. I see age categorization as unfortunate. And that three year difference...in college she will be in the same classes as seniors when she is a freshman. I don't see any problem with that.

I think as you get older though, you are able to have that more mature relationship with an older person. Most of my friends are older but that's cause I matured throughout college and find myself relating more to some older people. Especially considering I'm 24, in a long-term serious relationship, work full time, and pretty much over the whole party scene. Trying to find a good number of friends with similar interests to that at my age can be tough. I even find a hard time now trying to connect with my close friends from college because I changed a lot after school. We were pretty hardcore party girls in college so not wanting to be that girl anymore is hard considering most of my friends still live that lifestyle.

As for being in high school, of course I wanted to hang out with the older kids, doing older kid stuff, but not many of them would bother with a young 15 yr old girl. I never really did team sports and the sports I did, track & cheerleading, did not force us to really have a strong bond with the older crowd. Of course we all knew each other and would say hi in passing and discuss random things but that was about it. I even went to a small catholic school where everyone knew everyone but I did not see too many older kids hanging out with the younger ones and when we got to be seniors, we knew some of the sophomores, maybe a little bit of the freshman, but the ones we really liked that were younger, we just kind of thought that they were cute little "sophy's" or "freshy's". Just someone we would treat as more of a younger sister type of deal. Not only that but a few of my friends had younger sisters in those grades and usually hungout with the other girls in their grade. We never had any one of us specifically hangout one on one with a younger girl. To be honest though, my friends were normally a good group of teenagers. I was usually the bad seed of the group at least when senior year came around haha but I never really cared much to bother with the younger girls other than maybe a few junior girls. My best friend had a sister that was 2 years younger that would hang around us and I never minded but these sisters were pretty close and good kids anyways.

I definitely can see your concern and I do not doubt my mom would think the same thing as you. At the same time though, you obviously have to let it play its course. You let the mother know that kid is bad news and what her mother plans to do with that information is on her now. Not only do kids have to make mistakes to learn from it but sometimes parents have to learn to make parenting mistakes to learn from them as well. Who knows, maybe this kid will someway end up being a good influence on her.