|
Exhausted, disgusted, resentful and VERY ANGRY Okay... now that I have your attention, I am looking for someone who knows what it feels like to have a parent in nursing home care and have the constant stress and pressure of being the decision-maker, go-getter, care coordinator and health care system advocate while the rest of the siblings " got their own lives to lead, ya kno". I am in desperate need of someone NOT directly involved, with whom I can share feelings and maybe advice. Xmas day was basically the last straw. |
We dont have a parent in a nursing home but all the family type of responsibilities fall on us and Im sure when the time comes that one will to so I can relate. |
My MIL lived with us for 3 years. I was primarily her caretaker insofar as day to day. My hubby is an only child. We spent the better part of the 3 years disagreeing over a lot of the little things, such as how to get her involved with/in anything. It's very stressful and can be draining in many ways. I feel for you. I don't know if it was any easier that my dh was an only child but I can tell you that I wished he did have siblings to share in some of the care (I would like to think it would have been so). |
I can relate to exactly what you are going through. My mom is in AL for the past 4 yrs almost and i have been the primary care taker of her, and i have 3 other sibling's (brothers, i am the only daughter). If you would like to talk you can PM me. Sorry you are going through this, it is very hard. |
I understand exactly what you are saying, I took care of my mom in my home for over 2 years before she passed, she was blind and lost both legs due to being a diabetic, yes i had 3 sisters & 1 bro. but they had more important things to do but i have never regretted it, after she passed i felt like a better person for being as good a daughter, as she was as a mother to me...its hard but just hang in there, its worth it in the end. I pray for your strength to see this through |
Yes, I can relate, with now passed two parents, with Alzheimers, both in secured living arrangements. I was the daughter in town. My three other sisters, truly had no desire or will to try to be there for me on the day to day stuff. It is exhausting to say the least. I did finally realize, that I was grieving now, for the loss of my parents. Loss due to their ever dimishing mental capacities, their personality changes, et al. If you need an ear, I am here. |
I know how stressful that can be. I was the primary caregiver of my Dad for 3 years after my Mom passed away. I had 2 siblings that helped and one who did nothing!! The one thing I held on to when I had one of those days is that my parents had been wonderful parents and I would feel no regrets when their time came. Only terrible sadness. I was able to spend both of their final year/years with them. I hope you can get your siblings to help. |
My mom was my grandfather's primary care giver for 25 years til his passing las year. She has 2 do nothing brothers. My grandfather went to assisted living for the last 2 years because there was no one that would be home all the time. She went through everything you are going through. She is being sued by her 1 brother for bull s**t reasons since his passing. The only help she had from family was me, my brother, and my dad. Her brothers, SILs, and the other 4 grandkids did nothing not even visit him for holidays or call to say "papa how ya doing" or take my grandfather for a few hours to a ball game or the park. They did nothing. By the way he paid for all 6 of his grandiose to go to college even though he did not ever see the other 4. |
Im waving my hands and jumping up and down. My mother is in a facility. I am the only girl,however my brothers do their part. I am the one that talks to the Drs and the nursing staff,then passes the info on to my brothers. I am the first phone call if their are questions,no matter what the hour. Or if there is an emergency. We are going on 3yrs. The thing that I have figured out is that, a facility will never take as good care as we might,but my mother can NOT be in any of our homes. Feel free to PM me. |
My mom lived with me for 8 years and then with my daughter for 2 years (I'm an only child). Now she is in assisted living and my daughter had to move away, so I am the primary caregiver. Mom fell and broke her leg in Oct. She was in the hospital several days, then in rehab for a couple of weeks. I ran myself ragged running back and forth from the hospital and rehab. Now she is doing better and back in her assisted living apartment, but I am still over to her place all the time. It is very very difficult. My daughter handles all her finances and that helps some. I completely understand what you are going through. |
My mother passed Aug. 29th. I am the only living daughter, I have a younger brother and an older brother. Worthless is all I can say. They couldn't take time to help...they had a life they said. Mom lived with me the last 9.5 months of her life. I wouldn't have had it any other way....I have no regrets. My younger brother visited once a week for 60 minutes and my other brother..about the same. No one took her out for a drive except me, I did all the Dr. appts., stayed with her in the hospital most nights when she was there, stayed a few nights in the nursing home with her too. Now...they (my brothers) are even worse, just want to know when they are getting their inheritance, which isn't much mind you. She has a home in our hometown and a small one in Florida. Hopefully the estate will be settled soon, and then my family will dissolve. Didn't know they could be such a$$holes. I want them out of my life. I hope you can save your relationship with your siblings, but I'm just too tired to deal with mine anymore. Even if I could deal with them....I'll never be able to trust them ...without trust...there can be no relationship. |
Quote:
|
Thank you all for your stories and your insight. We have some legal complications that need to be worked out over the next few months and then, possibly, we can resume some semblance of order in our own lives while keeping Mom a top priority. Unfortunately, Dad didnt plan for long term care. There will be no inheritance; only the memory of who did right by Mom and who did not, the ramifications of which I leave in the hands of a higher power. |
Quote:
|
We recently moved to another state and moved my 90 y/o father in with us. I'm a single, working Mom with a 16 y/o son. I'm also an only child. I can't say how long I'll be able to keep this up; we have some lovely AL facilities here and those may be an option for us in the coming year. It's hard - very hard to have sole responsibility for (now) two people and I am seeing how important is for us to be planning for our old age. I certainly do NOT want to be living with my son and his family. Actually, I'm beginning to wonder if longevity is all it's cracked up to be. |
Quote:
She, wheelchair bound, CPAP, right foot amputee just smiled and nodded. |
My mother had cancer and I took care of her myself. My sister wasn't involved, and when I called on her for help she was too busy or didn't have money. Yet she was going out drinking and partying and having fun. We were 20 when Mom was diagnosed, and 21 when she died. I dropped out of college, took time off work and almost never left the house while she was ill. Its hard and so draining to go it alone. The last 3 months of moms life I ended up drinking heavily when she went to bed. |
I am SO GRATEFUL that my parents had the forthought to put money away!! Although their intentions was to travel in the RV it just didnt turn out that way. Because my children are kept up to date on everything that is going on with their grandmother and they see how draining it has been,I have given them my permission to put me in a facility if they can not have a life and care for me. Many years ago my great-great-grandmother lived with my father's family,he was a little boy, and everyone helped. But when you are alone and noone is willing to take the time and it be a team effort it is almost impossible. My friends tell me " the caregiver can not give care if the caregiver is not recieving care". All of you remember to take some time for YOU so you can give the very best of care. |
Quote:
I have had the same conversation with my son - please find the best home I can afford and put me there! Do NOT spend your life taking care of me. I will have had more than my fair share of life - it will be my son's turn to have his. Upping my 401K in the hopes I will have enough money to afford the NICE AL with the fancy dining room and activities!. |
Quote:
|
Blessings for your efforts. ~Joanne~ |
Having walked this road with my mother and now mother in law and her 92yr old mother. Be sure that not only are the funds there. But make sure that someone has power of attorney,both financial and medical. If you have more than one child you can split the responsibilities between them. Make sure that your kids understand your wishes as to how things are to be split up and PUT IT IN A WILL. If you are unable (like my mother) and the kids cannt get to your funds then they can not pay your bills. |
I understand Quote:
|
Just wanted to offer some support...I really feel for you. I don't have a parent in a nursing home, but I took care of my Mom as she was dying from cancer (when I was 19-21), but she was at home. I have experience in nursing - and I can tell you, nursing homes and/or elder care can be so hard on the whole family...but especially the person who is the main caretaker (like you). I wish you the all the best, and I hope it helps to talk/vent about it. |
My Wife works in an AL facility, they have support groups available for siblings going thru this. One of the staff is involved as a liazon. Also, check out your health care provider, they can offer some assitance in certain area's. Good luck, and my prayers gowith you. We too, will be dealing with these decisions shortly. |
| All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:25 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright ©2003 - 2018 YorkieTalk.com
Privacy Policy - Terms of Use