anyone else not close to their mother?
 

This time of year brings a mixture of happiness and such joy.
My mother lives about 15 minutes away from me yet I havent seen her in years.She was very verbally abusive to me as a kid and even as an adult I was hoping she would be different as a grandmother but she never really showed any interest in my kids.I finally ended it after years of begging her to call the kids once a month or come to their games she just never did and I hated seeing them disappointed.Ending it made me feel like I had some control over what happens which made me feel better but still when im out and see mothers and daughters out to lunch or grandmothers cheering their grandsons on at baseball games I feel that twinge in my heart and feel like I am the only one in his kind of situation.Anyone else in my boat?

In some ways, I'm in similar situations. My mom was my best friend growing up and shortly after I turned 18 she passed away. So I know that feeling when you are out shopping and you see a two ladies who are so obviously mom and daughter and yes, it makes me sad and I know that I am missing out on that. For me it's a bit more final than for you but I still find myself wondering sometimes what things would have been like for me and my kids if my mom was still here with us. My dad on the other hand is still alive and pretty much like your mom. He was physically abusive to my mom even as she was dieing from cancer. I've reached a point in my life where I've forgiven him but yet I'm not really sure that I want to open my life to him either....
I also find that I really miss my sister more this time of year. We always used to make plans together and now her husband is with another woman and things are just so different.....

I think what hurts most is what the kids miss out on.......what should be.

Danyell, you're definitely not the only one in that boat. My own parents live 3 miles away, but I haven't seen or spoken with them in years. My father was extremely abusive to me from the time I can remember in every way imaginable, and my mother did nothing to help me. She blamed me when it happened. Over the years I tried to be whatever it was I thought would make her love me. I have an older brother and a younger sister who were treated very well. I spent years trying to get the same. I have 3 great sons who she had very little to do with while they were growing up. The final straw was a few years ago when my great-niece was sexually abused by my sister's son, and they supported the abuser. I decided at that point I no longer wanted them in my life.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point I"m at today. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do. I totally agree with you, at least it's taking some control over our lives. I'm blessed with a wonderful husband, 3 great adult sons, and 5 beautiful grandkids. There are times when I do feel that twinge of sadness, but she made the choice to miss out on a great daughter. I have a feeling your mother did the same.
It doesn't make the situation any better, but at least we know we're not alone. Blessings to you and your family, and if you ever want to talk I'm here. :heart to

I am not in the same situation as you ladies but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. Your stories have touched my heart... I have been feeling bad for myself at a few of the things going on between my Mom and me but now...I see that I am very blessed... I need to grow up a bit... and just be thankful.

Missing someone
 

I can truly understand your feelings. My mom was my best friend and she died at Christmas 18 years ago. I still feel like it was yesterday. I was adopted and told my birth mother died after I was born. Six years after my mom died I found out that my birth mother was alive and the adoption service contacted her for me. I lost my mother all over again as she wanted no contact with me, she never told her husband or kids about me. She was 15 when I was born. It really hurts when I know I have brothers and sisters but don't know where. I also have 4 sons, 2 of which I haven't seen for over 15 years. They are close to their dad who abused me for 13 years of marriage, guess they don't remember that, especially since he has money. My third son I finally saw after 14 years and we are growing closer. I guess every family has someone who either turns away or makes us choose to turn away. After all these years, I've come to realize that it's going to be them that suffers in the end. There are some things you can't take back. I would give anything for 5 more minutes with my mom.
Stand by your choice, it's the right one!

I loved your post and your honesty. I am so glad you took away what you did from this thread.
Love to all and peace this holiday season :hug:

I was close to my mom. Closer then my other sisters. My middle sister has always had trouble with my mom. They stopped talking and for a few years they didn't talk. One day my nephew (only a few years old at the time) wanted to see his grandma. So I took him over and she said some not very nice words toward him... Well I didn't talk to her for two years. I just couldn't see how a person could direct there anger at a child. My middle sister after many years started talking to my mom again. For my sisters peace of mind and not to make it weird...I invited her to my nursing graduation last December. I did it because I wasn't sure what to do, and I truly believe if there is a doubt it is better to go with her being there. I started going to functions that my mom was at. I always made sure to be polite saying hi. I am not going to lower my standards and be rude just because of someone else after all.

It is a hard decision to make. After the blow out with my mom I wrote my mother saying sorry for the way I talked to her and explained why I felt the way I felt. I never to this day have heard from her about it. I know she feels bad about what happened. But I don't care who a person is, if they do not respect you, they shouldn't expect it back. People treat you the way you let them. It is tough, and of course I wish things were different... But God gives you different experiances so you can learn from them... I feel this is just one of them. He may have given me a not so great mother but I look at what he has given me... The best Dad ever and wonderful sisters.

I miss my Mom too, she is not dead but almost, she sufferes from Alzheimer and has been in a nursing home now for almost a year. She does not remember my name or her grandkids or much of anything else. So I will be seeing her at Xmas but...:(

I feel the tears that you cry. I am also the outcast in my family. My mom was married and my dad died before I was born. I have a sister and 2 brothers
that are all close with my parents. I was shipped off to boarding school at 14. My dad was a very mean abusive alchoholic and my mom did not protect me with caused me to rebel and get in trouble. My parents never spent any time with my children but they do for my siblings children. My children are grown and my daughters have had children out of wedlock even though I raised them in the church so now they are shunned by my parents and siblings. I am stuck between the hurt and all children are gifts from GOD. He doesn't make mistakes. My children will not be going to my parents Christmas Eve fior the first time and they are all in their 20's. It is going to be hard to see the family minus mine together Chrismas Eve because of babies. I barley see or speak to my family and I will probably only spend alittle time with them this holiday. Its so sad all the hurt and pain over babies born.

I know, that was always a sore spot for me. I had very well-behaved, respectful kids who deserved to have good grandparents. I think it honestly bothered me more than it did them. As they got older, my middle son was "adopted" by his best friend's grandparents. They were so wonderful to him and I am eternally grateful for that. My
"boys" are all in their mid to late 20's now and all understand that the grandparents were the ones who missed out. Your kids know they have a mom who loves them - you're miles ahead for that.

Thank you Becky for your kind words ...having the kind of parents I had and childhood I experienced made me a stronger person and I knew what kind of parent I wanted to be for my kids...while i'm not always perfect they never doubt how deeply I care.And by having a lack of family my children realize just how precious it is to have people who truly love you surround them.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences while in my head I know Im not alone sometimes my heart feels differently.
I think I will hug them all a little longer tonight..........:rolleyes:

Bad mom!
 

I too know how it is to have a mom who is verbally abusive! My mom and dad divorsed when I was 3. She never came to see me my dad actually took me to her work so I could have 5min. with her. The time I did spend the night with her for whatever reason and god forbid I had nightmares she would beat and curse me! Then she moved to CO. Didn't see her till I was 7 or 8 she still beat and curse me when I had nightmares or cried for my dad. He stayed single all my life and raised me. After the years of visiting her till I turned 13 her and her hubby divorsed. Never saw her again for 8 more years. Then she had the audasity to say how I disgraced her family by having a son at 15 married my Hispanic hubby and OMG all the words and crying she did. For those 8 or so years she was dead to me! Besides all the moms are the best and how I need my mom speech I got from my dad. I did try to patch things up with her and let my 4yr old at the time see her. She was outrageous! I hated her and let her be dead to me for another 7 more years! She finally called a year ago and said she was sorry and accepted me and my family. So I figured fine sounds great! Yay! She grew up and loves me and my family now! I figured hay she has a 9 yr old son. She knows what it's like to be a mom finally! But no! I mean h*** to the NO! She made that week we spent with her the worst week of my entire life! One day she criticized me the next she was happy! Up and down she went for 7 days! Don't get me wrong in front of my kids she was sooo sweet! But alone she was completely horrid! I left and never thought twice about going back or calling her! I do feel bad sometimes and wish we could have something but I feel I've tried so many times I just don't have the strength to do it any more!! I feel for you I do and I wish you all the love in the world. It feel good not to be alone. I still have my daddy! :)

I don't remember a lot of my childhood as having fun. I was always cleaning, making meals, washing dishes, doing laundry, and watching the other kids. My mom would always find fault with anything I did and I ended up redoing until she was satisfied. I moved out when I was 18 and my life then began. When mom found out I was pregnant, she did not talk to me for 6 months, after the baby was born. While my son was smalll, she was very friendly. After my son andmoved to Miami for my job, she quit talking to me, only talking to my son. We moved back up north and she seldom talkd to me. My father just died November 29th and she called the other kids, but not me. I am finally in a spot where not talking to her doesn't bother me at all. My mom has her favorites, the other kids and grandkids. But as for me, we don't talk especially now that my dad has died. See he called every week to check on me. Mom won't cause I feel she doesn't care.

I'm not close to mine either. She drives me nuts. She is a self centered, materialistic, clueless, spoiled brat. She left us kids when we were 10 and 11 b/c she thought my dad didn't give her enough "freedom". To do what? To go ballroom dancing! Yes I kid you not.

She lied and said she bought her big diamond ring. I found out my dad bought it for her b/c she complained how come she doesn't have one and all her friends do.

One time on a family trip to Mammoth, she got all mad at us for being loud playing video games. The truth was it was her birthday and got mad she didn't get a present.

Also on road trips she would refuse to help my dad read maps, she said she didn't know how. It was just b/c she didn't want to be there, she deserved to be somewhere "glamorous" not a road trip in a rental car going across the country.

The clincher was a few years ago. She really wanted this purse that was like $350. I got it for her. She loved it, then the next day said it was too heavy, if she can trade it for something else. She brought it back to my shop and coincidentally a customer wanted to buy it that day. After they bought it, she asked me if I could get her another one!

Everytime I see her she has a new piece of bling, yet she always claims she is on a fixed income. Don't even get me started on her car!

She calls me for lunch for MY birthday, and I end up paying the bill! Oh and she orders extra food so she can have leftovers for later! It's only AFTER I pay and the change comes back she pretends to ask how much is the total. She knows my financial situation too, and I have never asked her for a dime.

She actually told me that when she sees me and my sis laughing and talking together, she knows she did a good job as a mom!

B/c of my mom none of us kids want to have kids.

I think I better stop now.

My mom and dad were never married, she was 21 when she had me. I later learned she had gotten pregnant at 16 and her dad made her get an abortion. My grandmother said she never forgave my grandpa for making her get one. Everyone in my family tells me how she would go out and party and leave me with my grandparents. My grandma is my hero. She raised me alot. My mother ended up meeting a man named Rusty. She got pregnant with my brother by him and got married.Before my brother was born I was Rusty's pride and joy. Once Jake ( my brother) came, I was like they say " the red headed step child".. only I was the blonde headed step child. I always came second. Jake was mommas little boy. My grandma got onto her and Rusty all the time about treating me like a second class citizen but it didnt matter. Well they got divorced and then got married again within about 2 years. They were into drugs and alcohol during my childhood but I was so young that I just thought they were naturally mean people. I always got the material things I wanted just like my brother but the emotional relationship was absent.

They ended up getting divorced again and it was pretty nasty. My mother of course got me ( my dad was never around ) and Rusty got Jake. My mother is an alcoholic. She fought in court to get weekends with my brother only to go out and get drunk and leave me to babysit him. I ended up in foster care at age 17 and stayed until I was 18. I have had an on and off relationship with me mother. My brother refuses to talk to her to this day. My ex-step father was killed in a car accident this past may and still, my brother won't talk to her.

To this day I will only call my mom if she has sent me a card to say thank you. I don't like talking to her. She goes through men like toilet paper and is a user ( gold digger ). While I was living with her in my teenage years she would come home with a different man every other weekend and I heard alot of things you don't really want to hear your mother say ( sexual things ). One time this man she brought home was so drunk he came out of her bedroom naked and was peeing all over himself. It was disgusting.

So all in all, I am so glad my grandmother was there to support me. I never got any support from my mother. I call my grandma at LEAST once a week to just check on her. I found the love from a parent in her. She will even tell her friends she feels like I am hers. So what do I have to say about all of this? God put me through all of this for a reason. I am sure of it. It made me stronger and built my character. I know what kind of a mom I don't want to be. I really don't want children. I think my childhood has alot to do with it. I was always being tossed from mothers to grandmothers.... but hey I am still alive and kicking. Married, awesome husband and two beautiful dogs. I am blessed no matter what my past is!

Sorry for rambling... just want you to know you are not the only one out there! Take care and PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to !

I love my Mother, I love my father too, but they gave me the worst childhood ever, the never care about what I like or wanted and Im not talking about material things, my dad was and old fashion kind of man,so the belt was always close, my dad would beat us up in front of her, also my grandmother would and she wouldn't say a word, my older brother was also a bully and i never got help from anyone in my family, i started to work at the age of 16 and moved out if my house when I was 17, as soon I started to make my own money I always helped them but they never tried to help me, I got married and my ex husband was a monster he use to beat me up every day and I never said a word to any one bc of the shame, when they found out, they told me to tried my best ( my ex is a sucessful man who runs his own business and have money), untill the day he almost kill me with his car........anyway after I came here, we talk more and its ok, but lately Is just about the money they need and things like that.....I stoped talking to them and my mother was very sad, so was I, my sister talked to me and convinced me to talk to her again, so I did, just to pay $1500 to the bank for a loan they couldn't afford to pay, so ok I paid and after that she is still asking me for more money everytime I call her.....:rolleyes:, I do love my family but I don't feel close to them...

No perfect families
 

I have heard a few people that all they can talk about is how perfect their childhood was and what a perfect family they have. I've come to the point in life where I figure they are either fooling themselves or trying to fool everyone else. No one has a perfect family life, some are just worse than others. For those of us who grew up with bad parents, we are stronger for it. Even though it hurts, we have stood up to the pain and loss and have done what we needed to to protect ourselves and our kids.
My parents never knew that I had an abusive marriage, I just couldn't bring myself to admit that I made that big of a mistake. My ex was such a con that they probably wouldn't have believed me anyway. Until after 13 years it came to do I kill myself or him? I called my mom and finally told her, she agreed to help me, my kids needed their mom. Apparently not as much as she thought they did! It hurts to hear them say that they think I was a bad mom, they don't remember me protecting them from a drunken
sadistic father. I have given up trying to explain to them, all I can tell them is that they never went one day without a mom that loved them. Some kids can't say that. I have learned a lot of lessons in life and am blessed that my 3rd marriage is to a wonderful guy who I know loves me and would never hurt me. If my kids can't deal with that, it's their problem, I am always here for them. My husband has kids and grandkids that I adore and they are so good to me. It's hard sometimes to understand the way things work. I guess we aren't suppose to understand, we are suppose to learn from this life. I have learned and I know for sure that I have lived previous lives, but I also know that this life will be the last. When it's time to go home to the other side where there is no anger, no violence, no lonelyness only unconditional love and peace, that's where I am staying. God bless you all for everything you have endured. It's a tough way to learn but it's what we chose and we must fulfill that life.

I am not the only one..
 

I can see my my moms apartment from my office buidling and I haven't been there in months. My mom and father (aka sperm donor) were married right our of high school and had an awful marriage. My mom even stayed with him after finding out that he had a baby with my babysitters daughter. Yea I know how great is that? I have a sister and a half sister that are two months apart in age. My mom stayed with him because she was a stay at home mom and he was a disabled vet. He was our only source of income. The split about a year after my baby sister was born. My mom remarried several years later to a man who was a mean self centered pig. My sisters and I constanly saw my mother choose him over her own daughters and he was verbally abusive to all of us. I just wanted to see her stand up for us just one time. He has since died and she has remarried to a guy who has completely pi@@ed off her entire family. I have a daughter from my first marriage and have since remarried. I understand what it is like to have "steps" involved but I also know that my daughter will always be my daughter but my husband might not always be my husband. She does come first. (please understand she isn't allowed to be a brat.) But, I would just like to know that my mother put her girls first. My current step father doesn't like my sisters dropping by to visit or her three grand children coming over to do with crafts with their grandmother.

It sounds like we could all write a book.

I want to open my heart to all of you who posted in this thread. hugs
and kisses to each and everyone of you.. my heart is hurting for all and im sorry for all your pain.. I dont know how any of you feel because i have the best mom in the whole world and i would die if she werent here.. and this is no joke. :ghug:

Some people are not equipped to be parents for one reason or another, but end up with kids they are not mature or emotionally ready for, thus, they do not have any parenting skills or the desire to have them. The kids then are targets for their miserable existence. Some parents just "practice" on their kids and don't really get anything right till they have grandkids to spoil, and some never change. We just need to pray for them because they must be very unhappy souls.
When you don't have parents to share with, there are always friends. Just don't let the past bring you back. Move ahead and make sure you become the parents to your kids like you would have liked for you. ;)

My mom moved 2500 miles away, my brother followed her a year later and my other brother has been military and around the world for over 10 years. I see my mom 3x a year maybe if that... we were never really close but since she moved and my brother followed I feel so seperated from my family now. I hear my friends talk about their moms and shopping and dinners and lunches, and I get harried phone calls b/t her visits with my nephew (my brother and his wife had a baby) and phone calls from my brother in the military. I just seem to be an afterthought. I know its not the same, and I don't have kids of my own for her to neglect and me to be mad about... its just me but I understand part of how you feel. Part of you misses her, part of your resents the h*ll out of her!

I didn't used to be close to my mom. Not at all. There was no real reason for it, she wasn't mean or abusive, she was just not open. We didn't have the kind of relationship where I could talk to her about my life. I was raped when I was 18 and I couldn't tell my mom. She didn't seem to care to know about my life or my friends or my boyfriends or what I was doing with my time. I moved 4 hours from home and would only talk to her maybe once a month, if that.

Earlier this year she had a stroke and it was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. My dad didn't even call my brother and I to let us know what was going on. We got calls from my mom's friend asking if she was in the hospital and if she was okay and my mind just went into frantic WTF mode. When we called the hospital they could only tell us that yes, she was there, but they were not allowed to tell us her condition or what was wrong with her at all. Of course the worst possibilities were running through my mind and I thought I was too young to lose my mom and instantly regretted all the years I haven't even tried to make her open up.

That night is the first time IN MY LIFE that I told my mom I loved her. Thank God she is now okay, and I now make a point to call her almost every single day.

I ADORED my mother though she has long passed. My father is still here and I absolutely adore him as well. I cannot even fathom feeling the way you feel. It would drive me insane! But also, I cannot imagine having parents like the ones you speak of. I'm sorry for you and your children. How hard that must be for you to have to go thru this especially this time of year. You have to figure its her loss. You can't change the way things are because you have tried. You gave her many opportunities and she has ignored them all. You've done your part.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't believe your Mother would be so heartless as to not tell you herself about your Father. Believe me, I know all about trouble in families and am convinced there is no perfect "Leave It To Beaver" type family out there but, whatever problems she has with any of her kids stops at something as serious as death. Sorry, but she sounds pretty small minded.

As far as the rest of you who've shared your stories, thank you for your sharing and I truley hope you all have found inner peace.

I am heartbroken reading this thread. :( but how wonderful to see that you guys have turned out well and some of you are even doing a great job of raising your own families. My mom and I are incredibly close, she is litterally my best friend. I'm 16, and most of my friends right now "hate" their moms for one reason or another (usually a stupid one. Not like you guys, who have legit reasons to not be close to your moms), and I'm so grateful that I'm not going through that stage. I think a lot of the reason I have skipped the "parents suck" stage is because my mom became sick & disabled when I was about 12...so it kind of changed everything and the way I view the things that happen to me.

My dad and I don't get along as well as I'd like, though. :( We love each other a lot, but he works really hard to take care of the family (since my mom can't work), and doesn't sleep much, and is constantly stressed about money, so he's not such a pleasent person to be around all the time. I don't blame him, because he's under so much stress with taking care of my mom and all of us. I'm sure that one day when this is past us my dad and I will be very close, because the times when he's not thinking about all of his problems, we have a great time together.