Just need to get this out...
 

/heard by people I don't know (well you know what I mean). No need to respond, but if you feel like you need to, please express any opinions you may have, good bad mean nice disgusted.

Please do not be overly concerned about any of my thoughts, they are just that ... THOUGHTS.

Why isn't it ok for people to take their own life? It is theirs right? Why should you have to suffer just because you know that your loved ones will "miss" you/be "hurt" by ur actions. Let me explain ...

Oct. 6th 2001 was a day I wish over and over I could rewind back to. If my daddy were still alive, my life would be so different. I wouldn't of become a person plagued with eating disorders, therapy, mental illness, medications, doctors bills, psychiatrist bills, script bills, and now ... no insurance meaning ... no more meds ... meaning the opening of the flood gates that all that crap (meds, therapy, crazy doctor talk, etc.) held back. I have been handling myself pretty well since my recovery from anorexia and bulimia nervosa back in 2007. Well that's when I was a "healthy" weight and eating "normal". I will forever be plagued with thoughts of self-harm (fasting, purging, cutting, burning, punching etc.) and only occasionally act upon them. Not to say that any of this is my dad's fault, I can only make choices for myself. But if I had just heard him call my name, if I had just called 911 right away, if I had just gone in the ambulance with him. I could of helped him, I could of gotten help for him sooner. HE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. And yes, his death is my fault! After all the therapy and crap (yes I've tapered myself off all of it, I have nothing else to say. Plus I just can't afford it) I can't help but think that all of it has just suppressed my thoughts instead of actually dealing with it. Why should I have to suffer with all this? Or maybe a little less drastic ..

Why isn't it ok for people to cut themselves or purge or whatever? But its ok smoke? It's the same concept! Either puts you at risk of dying. Or what about extreme piercing/tattooing, people do it for the endorphins/to make themselves feel better. Self-injuring is the same concept. The sight of blood is calming, the feeling of physical pain heals the emotional pain. Owning a gun, driving a car, smoking, eating fast food, is all "self-harm"! Why is it that somethings are socially acceptable and others aren't!!?!?!?!!?

Yes, mentally I am having a relapse! Yes, I am trying my best not to relapse to the full extent. NO, I do not plan on severely harming myself in socially unacceptable ways. This is just a healthy way for me to release these thoughts, and getting feedback. If anyone has any low cost/free on how to get my meds (zoloft), I'd love to hear some suggestions.

If this is not allowed, PLEASE delete it, Thank you admin!

Sent you a PM. I really hope you feel better soon.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Life can be so tough sometimes and it is not always easy to stay strong through it all. I do believe everyone has a purpose in life and if we focus on figuring out what that purpose is, it can really help us be more positive people. I take Zoloft also, but with my insurance it is only $5. I tried going off of it, but it was not pretty, so I am back on it. Please let me know if you need anything at all and I will do my best to help you. I will being praying that you start feeling better soon.

My heart just aches for you. You really need t be talking to a professional. I'm sure there are free clinics in Florida..And if not NO hospital can refuse to treat you. I am assuming you are not working where you said you have no insurance. There are insurances out there that help people in your situation...In Mass we have Mass Health...and it's free. I don't know what you would have in florida...I pray that you will find someone to help you.

I don't know how to respond to this, what to say to you, other then my heart aches for your pain. I pray God brings you peace and soothes your troubled mind & heart.

I feel so bad you are having to deal with all this. Anything that is harmful to you is not good,smoking, cutting purging etc. In my unexpert opinion, people smoke for different reasons, to be cool, calms them, they start and get addicted. While not good reasons, I believe that all of the things you mention such as cutting, bulemia are done to help handle some intense feelings of emotional pain and underlying reasons need to be determined and work on solving them. It is so sad that you cannot get some low cost/no cost help and some free Zoloft. Have you tried contacting the manufactures of Zoloft or there generics to see if they have a program in place to help you. I will check around and see if I find anything. Also, try going to a hospitals social services department and your city health department. I will keep you in my prayers that you can find some help and get some relief from the immense pain you are dealing with.

Ok I just wanted to respond back to all of you by saying ... thank you for your kind words. I am a lot better than I used to be, as I have unfortunately acted upon some of these thoughts years ago. But not anymore. I AM:D in a MUCH MUCH better place in my life than I was before, but I just can't help but feel that I've gotten better at suppressing it all instead of actually working/dealing through it all.

Thank you. My zoloft used to only be $3 but now, even thou I'm still in school full time, my health insurance gave me the boot.

I have seen MANY MANY professionals, I even got a few who told me "just looking at you from an outsiders perspective I would of NEVER thought you were an unhappy person at the least." Scary huh? That I could even fool a professional. I am working and do go to school full-time. But I just feel like there's nothing anyone can do for me anymore and I'm just wasting valuable money I'd rather spend on my furbabies. I have been to a hospital before, that it doesn't really help people like me. I needed an eating disorder specialized center, but now I do not feel I am at all sick enough to waste money like that.

Sad part about reading your reply is that, if it were another person aside from myself, I'd do EVERYTHING in my own power to help them find a way. The other sad part is that am a nursing student and I know that there just HAS TO BE some type of Florida Health insurance in place for the uninsured (I know kids have Florida KidCare, I just wrote a paper on it). But thank you for the idea about contacting the company, I'll research that today.

I don't know what to say to you except I hope you get the help you
so desperately need. I am happy you were able to get your feelings out
in just typing them here on YT. I will keep you in my thoughts and
prayer's.

I don't know what to say to help. I had an eatting disorder as a preteen and still battle it to this day. The only thing that stops me now is the desire to be healthy. By not eatting I was damaging my body. I now have hypoglacemia and must moniter my sugar everyday. It was a desire to be better that made me stop. Some people aren't like that. Some people need help. I don't know how to help you.... but if you think of anything, please let us know!!!

It's okay to express yourself. It is actually healthy to express yourself and I just want you know that you do matter. I am sorry about your health insurance. I hope you will be able to find some kind of health care in your area.

I won't get religious on you but want you to know you are in my thoughts and I hope you enjoy the beautiful day set before you. Hugs!

You have some really good points. In other cultures self-harm is seen in a positive way. Many peoples use it for a rite of passage etc. There is little difference between cutting and smoking, they are both addictive and done to soothe oneself. Smoking is much more harmful and dangerous but for some reason is more socially acceptable here. Doesn't make any sense does it?

Call your doc on the phone and ask for a nice generic prescription. Walmart has many that are only $4 a month, they have a list on their website. Costco also has good prices and lists their prices on their website. If you fill 3 months at a time they usually give you a break on the price. The makers of the drugs also have programs that may help you. I know there is a huge gap for the uninsured folks, I was there not so long ago.

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. It sounds like you are setting yourself up to have a nice life, with a good steady career. That is really smart. Your furbabies are lucky to have you.

It can take time and persistence to find a therapist that works for you, which is often the last thing you want to do when you are depressed. However, these kinds of thoughts and feelings are very hard to sort out on your own. I PM'd you about the ongoing grief you feel about your father. This is the kind of thing a therapist should be able to help you through.

Hi there, Delicatepuzzle! I may not have any wise advice or anything, but I can relate. I'm sure I've not experienced the sort of inner turmoil you must face, but I've battled my own demons in these areas. Most days, I'm winning, but sometimes I can't fight as well I should. To me, I think ed's and self-harm go hand in hand. I think essentially they are both the same thing, only self-harm is sort of more "instant gratification."

You make some really interesting points about the socially acceptable forms of self-harm. For me, it hurts to see someone else's scars. Its a reflex for me to reach for my own scars and to cover them when I see someone else's. Because when I see theirs, I almost feel their pain and wish there was someway I could help? I hate smoking, because I lost the most important person in my life to lung cancer. Seeing someone smoke doesn't have the same effect as scars do though. :confused:

I don't know if you'd be interested, but there's this great group called "Mercy Ministries." Its kind of like a rehab center, but they have programs that people sponsor so that women can go regardless of finances. For me, if I write my emotions out when I'm having one of "THOSE" days; my mind clears and things are better. Feel free to talk about your emotions anytime :) it helps!
((((HUGS))))

I can understand where you are comming from in part. I grew up in a violent house-hold. I hated my father but despite this when my mom finally devorsed I became anorexic,at the age of 19. Everything you've known changes and you have to get back control somewhere in your life. Even after I started eating I turned vegitarian, not as a life style choice but as a way of control. Many times I thought of killing myself, but then I found something to hang on to, my furbuts. Even now my life is not my own as I care for my mother, the dogs are my reason to stay calm, an excuse to go out for a walk, something to focus on when I feel down. They need me and I chose for them to be here they weren't forced on me.I also am hyperglycemic but I try and stay healthy for them. I take each day as it comes. Sometimes it just helps to know your not the only one out there.

I just wanted to add.....there is a forum;....It's called finding the light. I registered for it..My husband was diagnosed bi-polar over 2 years ago... Before that my life was a living HELL! I wasn't sure what I was going to do. This is my second marriage and we don't have any children together. I am 52 and he is 48. He didn't think anything was wrong with him...I needed support from others that were either in treatment or were like me...just needing support. this forum was WONDERFUL. You may want to give it a check. I know how horrible depression can be. I worked in a counseling center for 2 years and saw A LOT of what you are going through. Please check out this site.
I hope and pray you can find a good support system

My heart aches for you... it truly does. I think you are 100% correct that those meds helped you suppress your emotions instead of dealing with them. I don't know what could help you realize that you are not at fault for what happened to your father. I think that might be a good first step take, learn to stop blaming yourself for the actions of someone else. I am sorry he did that, and I'm sorry he did that to you. I'm sure he would not want you to feel you are to blame. (((HUGS))) I'm sure there has to be help out there for you. Its a matter of finding it, which can be tough. There are state social workers, maybe you can find one in your area to talk to. I think releasing your thoughts here, on paper, anywhere, is always a GREAT release! Keep talking to whoever will listen. Prayers are going out to you!

Since you are a nursing student - and if you are at a college or university, your college or university should have a mental health center where you can get help. I don't think they can refuse you - even though you don't have insurance.

Life seem so unfair I know... Let me tell you that I understand a lot of your pain. Me, my sister, my best friend and another guy friend were coming back from a church cook-out when we were hit head on by a drunk driver who was on the wrong side of the road. As our car stopped in middle of the street, we were hit a second time on the side (the side I was on) by an escalade who didn't see us in time to stop. My best friend was killed instantly and both of my femur bones were snapped and came through the skin. It took over an hour to get all of us out of the car. My sister injured her back and wrist and our other friend had a shattered hip.
A couple of years later my baby sister (the same one that was in the car accident with us) was attacked and raped while she was alone in her apartment.
I have had quite a few severe panic/anxiety attacks in the last year because I have PTSD that I just can't seem to get over. I always stop and wonder what my life would have been life if I could go through life with that false sense of security that nothing bad will ever happen to me or my family. Instead, I have anxiety everytime I get in there car or I have to have someone walk me to my car if I go anywhere at night. I go through life being scared of what is going to happen next and I feel like those 2 guys took that sense of security away from me.
I have never lost a parent, so I can't say I completely understand what you have gone through but I get by with thinking about what I do have.
I just wanted to share my story with you and let you know I understand how difficult life can be when you've had bad things happen. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can send me a PM anytime :)

My daughter is just finishing up with pharmacy school and her rotations. She says that you need to go to your pharmacist and ask for the manufactures of the brand name drugs that you need. A lot of the time, manufacturers will give you vouchers for free or very cheap medications. Be sure to mention this to your pharmacist. Most pharmacists are willing to help those who are having difficulties getting the medications that they need. Another option is Wal-Mart's $4 generics program. My daughter believes that the generic of Zoloft is one of them. One more option is the Prescription Assistance Program: https://www.pparx.org This is another way to get a hold of manufacturers for free or cheap medications. It may be a more organized and beneficial way, but you may have to try both ways. These should help. If not, let me know and I will talk to my daughter about more options.

Here is a site that lists links and contact info to many of the different drug manufacturers as well as other organization that help the uninsured with free or low cost prescription meds. Where to Find Free and Low Cost Prescription Drugs

If you check with some of the larger churches near you, you may find they have some counseling services that would help.

I also second the recommendation to visit your college's mental health center. Venting your feelings here is probably a good feeling, but venting in a therapeutic environment might help a lot more. Wish you well.

If I could wish your problems away, I truly would. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time! I do think you need to seek some professional help and I also agree that the medication just sort of numb things but I'm not sure how much they actually get to the root of your problems. I have not been thru what you have been thru on the other hand, I have had difficulties in my life. My mom was sick with cancer for about 7 years before she passed away, leaving me at age 18 to raise my younger siblings. My father was an abusive alcoholic who actually beat my sick mother. Can you imagine? I could tell you stories but suffice it to say, I know that life is not always easy. But despite the things I've had to deal with, this is my life and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's problems. Along with the pain and heartache, I have also been able to fine the joy in life and to recognize that without that pain, maybe I would not have found true happiness either. I think some of it comes from realizing that I always have choices to make. I can choose to take the easy way or I can choose to take the right path. I always try to choose the right path even when it's incredibly hard. I try to be the person my kids will be proud of, the kind of person my mother would have been proud of. Am I perfect, No! I pray daily and without God in my life, I think I'd be a terrible failure. I hope somehow you can find your way back and also find a way to forgive yourself. Sometimes that's the hardest thing in life to do. I will be praying for you.....

:thumbup:

Thank you, I will surely check the Walmart thing (I've completely forgotten about that. My mom was telling me about that)

I have used up my college mental health "credits" I was also deemed too ill to help and was sent else where, which made me feel like complete CRAP, to be told that. I never thought about the churches, but ever since I've been told "you are destroying God's tempt (my body) and that is such an awful sin" I've been too ashamed to "talk" to God about these problems in my life, let along go to other church members and be told the same thing. But then again I am in a different place right now. Maybe it is time I soul search in that area.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I guess I still have some serious issues I need to hammer out. I really just need to keep looking at all the good in my life (even thou I would NEVER EVER EVER kill myself or anything that serious). I did go to see my primary care physician (PCP) and she even feels that I still need to seeing a psychiatrist regularly (and was quite upset when I told her I stopped/have seen my psychrst in like 6 months. My PCP is awesome, and she sees right through my lying smiles/fake fasaad (spelling?).

Instead of getting my Zoloft refilled I will be going back to my therapist, before this whole eating/not eating/cutting NONSENSE, takes over again. Maybe this was a cry for help. I'm glad I did it thou. Although me being so hard on myself, I can't help but feel like this was a cry for attention, but maybe just maybe that's what I needed, someone to call my attention to how stupid and unhealthy these thoughts are ... regardless of how other "socially acceptable" things maybe or not be.

Thanks again. Going to fill my therapists pockets now!

Glad to hear you are getting help. This is like any other medical problem, you have to find the right doc to help treat it. I did want to add though, don't ever be too ashamed to call on God for help. There is never shame in asking for guidance through prayer or a church official. If any of us were perfect we would not have needed salvation. It is impossible to live your life all by yourself. We all need help from time to time. When you do ask God for help, be ready to follow where He leads you. Don't be ashamed or afraid to trust in Him. Amazing things can happen for you!

I am glad you are getting help, you are in my prayers.

You can get Zoloft for under $25 at Walgreens and the generic name is SERTRALINE. My father passed away a year and a half ago and it took me more than a year to get over his death. There is also a forum called mixed nuts that you can join to get support. Mixed Nuts Links and here is another one. Depression Forums - A Depression & Mental Health Community Support Group

Most drug companies have patient assistance programs for patients who can not afford their meds. I work in a mental health office and we have a supply of all the paperwork, the doc fills it out and the company will supply the medication for free if you qualify. Ask your pcp or the doctor that normally prescribes this medication if he/she will help you apply for assitance.

also you can google zoloft patient assistance and get more info too

Hi, I do think that this thread might have been a roundabout way of asking for help, and I am glad you asked! Your family loves you, and your extended YT family loves you. We want to help.

I am glad to hear that you will be going back under the care of a psychiatrist / therapist. I don't think it's an either/or with the meds. Please keep taking the Zoloft until you discuss your treatment with a medical health care provider.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are here for you.

I am so glad you were able to get back into therapy and know we are always here for you.