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Teenagers... I have a 15 yr. old boy (my first) and I am at my wits end. We are good parents. At all his highschool baseball games, bringing him his stuff every day at 1:30 for practice or games and we always make sure he has plenty of gatorade to drink. I work 30 hours a week (part time) just to have the cash for he and his 13 yr. old brother (who also plays baseball) for their equiptment, tounament fees, and travel etc.) I work so they have and I am just disgusted. There are parents that don't show up for games and kids who have NOTHING to drink at games because their parents could care less. And, yet my son talks to me like I'm a piece of crap. Last night, his mouth was going over a simple "Can I see the jersey you got today" (I ordered name and number tee shirts for him and bb shorts etc) and he got very nasty with me and said "See it tomorrow." I finally got fed up with it all and said "No I said I want to see it now. I paid for it and I want to see it." This escalated into a big fight with him and I and his mouth etc. I grabbed him by the shirt and told him to just go to his room and keep his mouth shut. Of course he didn't keep his mouth shut. I got the "You are f... crazy. Or what the hell is your problem." I ended up with giving him a slap in the mouth (believe me a tap.) and then he gave me the "Why do you abuse me crap." I NEVER hit my kids and the little guy (my 13 yr. old is an angel). I was so mad I told him get out. Of couse he didn't and of course I wouldn't have let him leave. However, this morning my husband was up with him before school (I'm very sick with accute bronchitis) and my husband told him he was wrong and he gave him the "mom slapped me" and then proceeded to say he's not coming home. I do not know what is wrong with men. I really don't. They do not know how to take charge or handle anything. REALLY!! He told him "Well if that's the way you feel that's your decision." Where I would have told him you had better have your butt home right after school. Last night, I took away his computer and his phone. Today, (before I got to work) I'm picking him up at 1:30 and telling him he's not going out, not on the computer and no phone. I'm so upset over all this. More so with my husband who is a retired police officer and has no control over his son. I work from 4-10 and come home and have to hear bs from him and from my husband about all the crap (They constantly argue) and I've just had it. We brought our son home from Guatemala when he was 8 months. Had guns pointed at us and left $50,000 in the hole to give him a good life and us the family we wanted. Both our boys were adopted and my youngest is an angel. Gives us no trouble but this guy I really do not know what to do with anymore. It's only us. He gets in no trouble at school, plays sports but has this I'm better then you attitude with us and talks down to me constantly. I hate to vent online but is there anyone else that has teenagers and is this normal behavior. He's our oldest and I have nothing to compare it to. Elaine |
I thought boys were easier than girls...I have a 16 yr old daughter who can be pretty mouthy and we argue. Fortunately she doesn't cuss me...and that's in her best interest. I think they push the limits at this age...and some kids are worse than others. One friend's daughter used to threaten to report her to CPS...finally during one argument...her mother told her...perhaps YOU don't understand how this works. I don't get removed from this house, you do and handed her the phone. That was the last time she was "threatened" with that. Btw I never talked to my parents like I hear kids speak to their these days...now mine didn't beat us, but we were to afraid to speak them disrespectfully. Sometimes, I'd like some of that fear of God...my parents seemed to have. Sorry it's so difficult, Elaine...I wanted a baby not a teenager. |
I have 3 boys and my oldest is 17 and is nasty and there are times I want to slam him , but I don't. Trust me I know EXACTLY what you are going through , but you can't put your hands on him, ever. All it does is reinforce negativity and violence, I realize it was a tap, but you still put your hands on him/ When I was growing up if I ever said that to my mom or dad I would have flew across the room:D and back then it was accepted, but not today. Your doing the right thing by taking all away from him and he needs to realize respect is earned and you deserve it all the time, just not when he feels like giving it. I mean he doesn't sound like a bad kid, they just go through this faze and during it you wanna kill them or just run for the hills:p believe me I know. You sound like a great mom and just let him know what will be tolerated and what will not. Good Luck:hug::hug: |
Hi Elaine Don't worry, I have one just like that (he's also fifteen). I have a set of twins that will be 13 in June and they are a walk in the park next to him. I keep telling myself that it's the age, & by the sounds of yours I think it is. Mine plays sports too and I'm there for all of the games. I just wish he would see what I have to go through to be there. I do everything thing I can to try to talk to him, but we end up yelling at each other. We have good days, but it's those bad one's that really get me. Just know that I'm also a member of the "Yucky-Teenager Club". Sending best-wishes and hoping that this will all pass soon. *sigh* :) |
First of all let me say that it sounds like you are a great mom! You definitely do not deserve the way he's speaking to you. I personally don't have any skin kids yet, but I am helping to raise my 15 year old cousin Jenn. If she had spoken to me the way your son spoke to you, then when I said get out, I would have meant it. Sometimes they'll call your bluff and leave, but chances are once he realized you were serious, things would definitely improved. When I was younger I told my mom I was gonna runaway. She said "Good luck, but don't take anything that I bought with you." In my anger, I went to pack my bags and quickly realized that all I could take with me was a CD, 2 outfits that my granparents had bought me for Christmas, and several pairs of earrings that I'd gotten from friends for my birthday. I didn't even have anything to pack in because she bought the suitcases and my duffel bag. Needless to say, it was a wakeup call and I went back to her and apologized. My cousin Kenny (my mom raised him) threatened to run away and she said the same thing she told me. Unfortunately he left and took off down the street. Sadly when he called her bluff, she chased after him. From then on, he always knew that he had her in his pocket and has sinced treated her very similarly to how your son is treating you. I think if she had let him keep going, he would have realized that he was hungry, cold, and didn't have anything, and he would have come home and been a good bit more appreciative of what he did have. |
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LOL! She may still be mouthy but it sounds like you may still have that "fear of god" thing going for you! |
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I'll tell you what drives me insane...her need to have the last word or even the last SOUND. |
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Jenn tells my mom that the reason does something when I tell her to is because it is so much easier than listening to me harp on it forever. My mom has parented so many kids that she's just worn down. She'll tell Jenn to do something and then forget all about it. Yeah... the huff and the eyerolling gets on my nerves too. This :rolleyes: is Jenn when I tell her to clean her room. |
I feel for you Elaine. Stand firm on what you say. That's key. Once he knows you cave in he'll have you by the ;) You sound like a great mother and it's usually the Mom's who get the bunt of things. Dosen't matter how much you do for your kids. I hate to say it's the age but I do believe it is. Stand firm, hold your grounds and rules. It's your house and it's your terms. If he doesn't come around I would go as a family and talk to someone. Perhaps he is holding something in and dosen't know how to deal with it properly and it's making him misreble. Don't take it personally. I know that's hard because I raised three and it was not all fun and roses. Kids had mouth's back then too:p |
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I can hear the heavy sigh that accompanies that... |
Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm just so frustrated with everything. There is such a strain on my marriage for the past few years and this just adds more to it. Honestly, if I were financially able I would file for divorce and take the boys myself. Having him and the two boys is like having three children. He's fine with the little one but constantly fights with the older one and just does not know how to take charge and punish him when he's mouthy. Instead, he fights back with him and tells him things like "Just get away from me and don't talk." Instead of taking the stuff away and sticking to it. He just lets it go so he don't have to fight with him, then when I get home at 10pm I get it from both of them about he did this and he did that. As we speak I have guys in my back yard installing a new pool so THEY have a good summer while I work my butt off. I'm just so disgusted with it all. Thanks again for your replies. I wish sometimes there was a crystal ball to look into to see what the future would bring. I would have never gotten married and never had kids. I would have stayed just with my dogs. Elaine |
I'd like to add something. :) Coming from the teen's point-of-view. I'm 16 and I've never run away or anything, but like any other teen I've fought with my mom. Yelling back and forth, but not touching each other. Eventually I couldn't take it when she would just stop talking to me and ignoring me. After about 5 minutes I'd apologize. With him, though, I'd pack some bags for him and take them when you go to pick him up. Tell him his stuff's all packed and ready for him to go. :D If it were me, I'd freak out!! lol :p |
It sounds like you are very resentful towards your son for not appreciating the things you buy or do for him. If I were in your shoes, and I know this sounds harsh, but maybe tell him to find his own part time job to pay for all his things. I would tell him exactly how I feel, then quit providing. The only way people really realize what they have is when they lose it, even if it is temporary. You really shouldn't be working your butt off and sacrificing so much just to be treated like crap. I guess in my opinion, if someone is taking advantage of me or using me, they have another thing coming. |
hey been there, done that. Dont give up and stick to your guns. Ive said a million times 10 toddlers are easier than 1 teenager. Its when you let them run free and dont question their behavior and whereabouts is when they get into real trouble. I thought my son for sure would turn out a drunk, and a bum the way he was headed, but guess what? Hes going to be 35 this year, has a beautiful wife and four boys! Hes turned out to be the best husband a father. Hang in there, all your hard work and love will pay off. I think boys take longer to mature than girls personally. |
sounds like a typical teenager I would not take it personally , he is just testing his grounds, my daugther threatened to run away , I said you dont have to run, WALK ... BUT leave every single thing you have in this house because I bought it and its all mine!! She didnt seem to like that at all, she just huffed and stomped up the stairs.... I just think they all go through this hormonal , they think they run the show behavior... |
being relatively young (20) i can remember the time of my life when me and mom would always bud heads... i was around 13.. me and my mom are very much alike and we always clashed because each needed the last word. i can tell you that what i felt my mom wasnt doing was listening to me... it seemed like to her, it was just a screaming contest. (and i wasnt going to lose ;) ) when i finally "grew up", i just stopped the screaming and sat there... when she realized i wasnt going to yell and fight about it she stopped yelling as much :rolleyes: . when i calmed down enough, i would write her a letter expressing EVERYTHING i felt in a courteous way, and put it somewhere shed find it. eventually, shed come in my room and we would talk about it and all would be better. :) .... this was like an everyday occurrence at my house. but boy, when i was really young, i would get a whippin everytime i said something rude. personally, i dont think its right to say whipping is wrong for everybody.. but i do think kids have a hard time communicating and understand why theyre being punished. good luck with everything |
I certainly feel for you for what you are going through. You do have to stand firm. I am not sure what the state laws are in your state but since he is only 15 I think your are still responsible for him and cannot just kick him out (I am sure you would not do that anyway). I really hope you seek out some counseling for yourself and your family. If you are involved with a church maybe they can help by talking to your son. Also talking to the school counselor might be helpful. I pray your situation improves. |
I have a 14 year old but he'll be 15 next month so I know where you're coming from! Mine is into baseball too and while i can't say we all the same problems, we do have some of them. He does push the limits and he really doesn't seem to appreciate things and thinks money is no object. I need a new $300 bat, so what's the big deal? No advice for you.... :( Sorry, but don't take it too personally, he will grow out of it! |
I feel for you. Even though this may be part of growing up, there are certain things that should nver be allowed. Swearing at you and treating you disrespectfully. My best friend for 50 years has a son who they did not get control of at an early age, some of it is my friends fault for not standing her ground and her husband for never backing each other. He is now 23, terribly abusive, been arrested and totaled her car. He is addicted to anything he cab get his hands on and it is a battle field everyday at the house. He is stealing her credit cards now and he is their natural child. They have an adopted dtr who is 12 and she has to put up with this craziness and she is my god child and it breaks my heart to see her living like this. She is a real sweet kid, So my point is is it may be growing pains, and I hope that is all it is, but you and your husband need to provide a united front and set down rules that are enforced. My 23 year old dtr has never talked back to me and all I have to do is give her a look and she knows but she is an easy going kid and I am sure she has called me a few choice names in her head at times. Just be strong and it will benefit your son in the long run. |
I agree, teenagers are tough..it's tough on them going through it and tough on you living through it. Our boys are 21 and 23, both are living on their own, graduated from college and self-supporting. We are thankful everyday for how well they turned out. I also agree that a united front with you and your husband is a must. You need to sit down with him, (when your not mad) and ya'll need to agree on how you will handle him and you both need to live up to what you agreed on. This alone, I think, will help you tremendously. I also agree that the back-talking and disrespectful words need to stop. I personally wouldn't let him play baseball at all if this is how I was treated. That should be a privilege he earns, not a given. I would also stop the money fountain when he does not deserve it. I would tell him that you will be spending YOUR money on YOURself, until he learns how to treat you. Your not his doormat, don't let him treat you like one. If he sees your serious...you might see some big changes in attitude. At this point, it couldn't hurt to try it. I wish you all the best, I know it's hard living through it. Venting helps:) |
I have raised 3 Children My oldest is going to be 30 in Sept. He was tough to raise always had to have the last word. Hated everything but junkfood, dinner was a constant battle. He was a major punk rocker at 16 and 17 with 12 inch multicolored mohawk, black leather jacket or long black trenchcoat, peircing and tatoos when he turned 18. He and my husband fought constantly when he became a teen. I walked on eggshells for years. Now at thirty he has a good job, just got engaged is doing good, he is a nice cleancut person. My middle son is going to be 28 in July, he was a wonderful kid and OK teen, always cleancut. He never argued back, always helped out around the house. He was a hard worker. We only had slight problems with him in High School nothing big. He is now a recovering oxycotin addict. Still living home. Fighting this addiction on a daily basis. My daughter who is 19 was adopted at birth by us. She was a joy to raise, never had any problems in school, never got in any trouble ever. Always polite and respectful, our little angel. And let me tell you she is driving me crazy since she turned 19. Every conversation turns into a I am 19 argument. I ask her to be home at 11:00pm during the week since her Dad and I have to get up at 6:00am, that she finds ridiculus. I tell her to call me to let me know that she is OK occasionally while she is out, I am being overprotective, ETC. Whew if I had known then what I know now I would had just had "YORKIES":aimeeyork:rolleyes: |
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I feel for you. I have raised two teen boys ( both are 18 ) nothing can hurt you and feel you leaving more betrayed then your kids. Their mouth got bad arouond 15....and then they just lost their MINDS by 17....I am still too mad to talk about it. We were the good parents there for every need/want....funny how they don't remember that. My husband worked and is a wonderful provider.....maybe I never gave him the chance to displine the boys b/c I couldn't wait until he got home We have two girls now 8 months and 5 yrs and I told him there is NO way I am going to be the only one displining the girls while he stays " the good guy " Hopefully we will have a better out come and I pray over our boys that they will see where there are truly loved and cherished, but I am afraid after MAJOR attitude on their parts....that they will have to figure it out and reflect on their child hood. Maybe, they will meet sopme people who never had every game system made, played any sport they wanted, had parentswho wanted to be at everything they would let us know about etc.. Good Luck! Angie |
I just want to say that my mother once kicked me out of the house... and I left. Every family is different, and sadly, my mother is emotionally disturbed, but personally, I would not play that card. I do not have kids, so I can only speak from one side of this. I would agree with whoever said that the teenage years are very tough, both for the teenager and the parents. I remember lots of times feeling very distressed and not knowing why or how to handle it - and it would usually turn into a fight with my mother. Try to keep perspective on what's important. Are your kids healthy? Safe? Doing okay in school? Do they have friends? These things are so much more important than if they back talk or keep their rooms clean. I'm sure that the ingratitude is maddening, but keep in mind, kids ARE ungrateful -- we all grow up getting things handed to us, and it is not until we are adults ourselves with fulltime jobs and adult problems that we realize how hard it is. This is not to say that you shouldn't set limits and boundries, I just think it's the same as it is with dogs - decide what you expect, articulate it, don't take bad behavior personally, and try not to turn it into a power struggle. You sound like you are involved in your son's life, which is great, and I would bet that in another 5-10 years he comes back and apologizes to you for being such a @@#($*. I think there are two really good books on communication, though they have different recommendations: "The Dance of Anger" is really good about how to deal with these kinds of triangles, where you are trying to fix the relationship between your husband and son. And "Don't Shoot The Dog", even though it's about dog training, has a lot of good fundamental advice about how to encourage people to behave well. Good luck! I hope things get easier for you soon. |
I don't have teenagers yet (mine are 7 and 10) but my youngest has given me tremendous upset. I sure feel for you and know just what you mean about the baseball thing! I just wanted you to know i found the best book by Jane Nelson called Positive Discipline. (I'm sure she has a teen version too). It has completely flipped my outlook on how to speak to him differently to get what I need from him and how to handle his outbursts etc. I thought you might want to look into it. Things have changed around here so much since I started using the techniques and I am so relieved to have found the answers to our struggles as I was not looking forward to his teen years. |
You must stand firm with your desisons. You must be together on how to raise a teen. They will play both of you...Stand firm together and love one another. The best gift we can give our kids is to love our sposes. The kids will feel secure. You need one on one with both boys. What does your oldest son like to do for fun. Take him to a concert or a show or something that will give you a one on one with him. Do this once a month. Take him out for a burger and have talk. I raised 3 girls so I have walked in your shoes. It will get better around 17 or 18. Remember, you need to communicate. Find our if something is bothering him at school. Teens will hold in their feelings. G |
You just lightly smacked him? I would have made his head spin with just one punch to his head. I'm sick and tired of hearing people say, OMG, don't hit your kid, you'll get in trouble. Ummm, I don't think so. No one will tell me how to parent. That's the problem today, parents can't be parents. I'm not afraid of the Family Service people. I think once you become fearful of doing what you think is best, the parenting gets lost. You were right in what you did. No kid should talk to their mother that way. That is not respect and you smacking him showed him just how disrespectable he was. You took some things away from him too? Good for you. Sounds like you had enough BS and pulling up to the plate. You go girl, home run coming in!!!! Mother to 4, now grown and on their own....I think Carol and Jemma |
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