Talk to her or just let it go?
 

I think I just need some advice and to rant and rave about this issue. Its been bothering me for almost a day now.

I have a friend of whom all my other friends say I should get rid of because she likes to use me for my car and my advice and nothing else. We are both 21 years old and I called her last night. I have a new boyfriend of about a month and a half who is Hispanic and is from Ecuador and he did grow up in Ecuador.

Last night when I called my friend she asked where i was i said i was on my way to Julio (my boyfriends) house. I got to his house and realized he was not there yet, however, his brother was there but in bed. I have a key to the house and they said i could be there whenever i wanted "mi casa es su casa" type of thing lol. I said on the phone oh wow only Jorge is here right now. My friend then went off and started saying that I shouldnt be at Julios house without Julio being there and that I shouldnt be there so much and everything because if Julio was an American it would be weird for you to be there. She said also that some of the things that Julio says and the fact that i have a key after a month and a half of dating would be a "red flag" in American culture. After this she proceeded to tell me that i need to "act more like an American, because you are an American but you sure dont act like it". After this she told me that I dont have a right to say i love South American food because I have never eatten one of their delicacies that they eat down there.

This is not the first time that she's gone off on be about this weird culture shock thing. In the past she has changed my music in the car from spanish salsa or reggeton to the radio because she just didnt feel like listening to that "crap". She's also said to be that I need to act more American and stop eatting so much rice, because I am not a Latina apparently according to her i cant eat rice.

But anyways so this thing really upset me and I dont know whether or not to talk to her or what i should do. I dont know what to say to her because I dont want to pit her against Julio because Julio never did anything to her but I want her to understand that I am happy and Im no longer going to let her bring me down because she doesnt like the way I am or what I like or whatever. So, what should I do? talk to her not talk to her? What should I say to her?

I think she is looking out for you. I would prob say the same thing to my friend about someone she has been dating for a short time and have a key already. I def would have told her NOT to go into an apartment without her bofriend with only his brother there. You never know what he may have done with yall alone. You just can't be too cautious these days with people. I don't know if this is the case with you but, don't change the things you do for a man. If you like listening to that kind of music and that food then fine but don't do it just cause he likes it. IF I was in a car with my friend and she put that music on I would prob turn it also cause that is not what WE listen to and she is not gonna make me listen to it cause her boyfriend likes it. You know what I mean? I hope yall can work this out and I just think she is worried about you. You are young and can't always see the dangers people bring no matter what color or country they are from :)

yeah she said she was just trying to look out for me and everything but idk it seemed more of a jealous rage type thing. His brother and I are cool though together, we are like friends and everything we have talked before together at the house while i was waiting for Julio. I have never changed anything for him, I have always listened to Spanish music since i have been introduced to it like 2 years ago, i have always loved spanish food :). I am actually a Psych & Spanish double major at my college. I listen to Spanish music because it is what I like i get bored with the same English songs over and over again and i guess my view on the entire thing is my friend doesnt have a car she never drives anywhere i dont get any gas money ever and half the time i am driving her out of my way so therefore i believe i will listen to what i want to listen to in the car whether she likes it or not. I dont know do you think thats too selfish of me?

Wow... there are a lot things I find wrong with what your friend said to you. Mostly because it's none of her business!! So you like to listen to salsa, personally I would rather eat salsa than listen to it. :rolleyes: (me trying to be funny)
As for comments about acting like an American, to me it sounds like you are. We're free to do what we wish in this country right? Maybe she just needs a reminder of that. Or, maybe she thinks she's being funny and is instead offending you.
As for her you having a key comment.... I actually thought it was an american thing? Let me explain... I'm a Latina (my parents were born in Mexico) and I grew up with their old fashion values. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 years, and he still doesn't have a key. :p I think it's more of a personal thing and if he is comfortable giving you a key, then so be it. Both my roommates have been going out with their boyfriends for a significantly smaller amount of time. They're comfy with it and so are their boyfriends. It's a matter of to each his own, right?:D

maybe you could talk to her about it? I know its harder then it sounds, but she sounds like a friend who just has a lot of strong opinions. Although when you say she uses you for advice, isnt that what a friend is for? :)

lol salsa is pretty good for me whether im eatting it, dancing it or listening to it :D some people do just love to eat it though and theres absolutly nothing wrong with that! I thought it was an American thing as well to have a key to the house and your right with the to each his own idea i think. My mother thinks since my friend is having problems with her boyfriend that she's jealous of mine and Julios relationship. Thats interesting though about the key thing and the old fashioned values. Does that go for the same as far as the girl having a key to the guys house then with those values? Habla espanol tambien o no?

Yeah I am debating on talking to her or just letting it go and everything. And your completely right about the advice thing I am totally willing to give her advice anytime she wants :). But sometimes it seems like I give SO much advice because every single day its a new thing with her that I feel overwhelmed with it.

Well, maybe its just me, but this is nothing to end a friendship over. Good friends are hard to come by!:) take it from someone who has had friends who sued them, STOLE from them, slept with my boyfriends and lied to me. It really is hard to find good friends nowadays!!! Just tell her some of the things she says to you bothers you! Good luck!:)

thanks for the advice. I am not going to not be her friend over this incident. But i also dont know if I would consider her a "good" friend.

Well... to be honest I'm not 100% old fashioned. I did have my boyfriend sleep over a few times when I first moved out, he was my security blanket!!! I fell apart those first few nights alone. But he doesn't have a key, and he always calls ahead of time to make sure he can come over. It's our thing, it's what we're comfortable with and what works for us, I'm repeating myself but to each his own, right? I just didn't like that your friend said in "American culture" that would be a red flag. Not from what I've seen on TV!! :p
Both of my roommates are asian, totally different cultures between them, and they both have caucasion boyfriends. They both have keys to their boyfriends houses. It's ok and natural to them, I'm apparently the "weird" one in the group.
I will say one thing that you might want to consider... if she really is having such a hard time with her bf and really truly likes to share with you, it's kinda hard to open up with someone that is rubbing a great, fun, exciting new relationship in their face. When I got dumped by my last boyfriend I was truly heartbroken. At the same time my bestfriend was starting a new relationship. She new I was having a hard time and invited me for breakfast before school to talk. Well guess who showed up for breakfast.... yup, her new bf. They were hugging and giggling and making puppy eyes at each other the whole time reminding me what I had just lost, at least it seemed that way at that moment anyway. That hurt, it really did. She wasn't being insensitive on purpose she just wasn't thinking. Anyway, 4 years later no harm done, I was the maid of honor at her wedding and she probably be my maid of honor too..
Man I talk (type) WAY too much!!! Take your time, take in everyones advice, and then decide how to approach the situation. Good luck!!!

PS. Si hablo espanol!! It'd be hard to watch mi novelas if I didn't! :D

Ok i couldn't even finish reading ur post until I just had to blurr out what I have to say... First friend's dont Judge they give opinions she is basically Judging you and what is it her buisness the way and life style you like to live.... Both my parent's are italian I was raised in the bronx ny I am also 21 and I went to school with all hispanic and African American kids....So I don't act like them but I do like to hang out with them until today...ur friend is selfish and is jealous and is not a good friend and u dont need to be around someone who is going to criticize u for everything u do she is sappose to support u nomatter what desicion u make as long as its nothing like harmful... I choose to not have many friends because of this judging thing people want u to be one certain way NO u can be who u want to be... And actually she is jealous u got the key to his place because most guys dont do that but he did because he trust's respect's u and if he can give u the key to his place maybe he can soon give u the key to his heart....so i think u need to put her in her place even tho ur the better person but sometimes people don't realize how critical they are to the world and it is not a good thing..xoxoxo :animal-pa

so i think u need to put her in her place even tho ur the better person but sometimes people don't realize how critical they are to the world and it is not a good thing don't let her or anyone push u around trust me i suffer from depression because i was always the better person and walked away from situations or didnt talk about it and i ended up hurt in the end so its best u talk to her tell her how it make's u feel tell her u dont want to end ur friendship but u hope she can be more easy going and if she has nothing positive to say than please don't say it at all because i can take a joke but in situations like these i take it kind of personal and this is just how i been feeling and i hope u can accept that and she her reaction and u can just tell from there the kind of person she is alot of people screwed me over for being so good to them nomatter what that i turned out to be such a big total angery person now now i want my revenge but that also isnt good so i stick with my ways if they like it or not i hope this helps..xoxoxo

If this "friend" is making you feel bad or feeling like you have to explain yourself or not do things you enjoy such as eating rice, listening to whatever music you choose in your own car I'd say there's a problem. Last I heard this is America and it's supposed to be a free country! If she's making you uncomfortable about your boyfriend and any other area in your life and you've tried to talk to her and explain how her attitude and the things she says makes you feel bad then I'd distance myself from her. She obviously has a problem with you dating this guy (jealousy or she's a controll freak over you or something) by shutting you down everytime you do anything that's reminds her that you might be doing it because of him. I personally could never stand having friends that are on my butt about something I was doing or that had to be with me every free minute they had. You need to have your own life and be free to make your own decisions. Making our own decisions is how we learn. If that decision was a mistake then we learn from it and move on. Friends are supposed to be there to support you no matter what you decide. For a friend that asks you for allot of advice, she sure is good at handing unwanted advice out. Good luck with this but I'd have personally had enough of her already.

OK...I'm 55, so I've been around the block a time or two & I have some advice for you. This American vs Spanish thing...your girlfriend is a racist....not good. Telling you how you should live your life...your girlfriend is controlling....not good. I'm going to guess that she finds fault with a lot of things...insecure....that will suck the life out of you.

These things are not worth it. It's ok to drop 'girlfriends' just like we've dropped boyfriends. It's not always easy or pleasant but sometimes, it needs to happen.

As I look back on my life... girlfriends may not agree with what we are doing but they support us & if we screw up, they are there to help us pick up the pieces. If your LIFE is in danger...girlfriends should speak up...but that's rare. Respect yourself enough to say enough.

I wouldn't be 21 again for anything..y'all have a lot to deal with. Be strong!

Ugh... I had a friend do that to me... I was dumped by a long term boyfriend and was devestated.. a week later my friend took me out to "cheer me up" with her boyfriend, then they parked the car and did just about everything but sleep with each other in the backseat. It was disgusting, annoying, and hurtful. I was fighting back tears and I just wanted to walk home even though it was late at night.

Anyways, to the OP, just try and talk to her and explain your POV. I agree that if it's YOUR car YOU should be able to listen to what YOU want, but maybe try to put on something that both of you can agree on just to be nice. Tell her you feel like she's using you for car rides and stuff. I was the first one out of my friends to get my license and they always used me too. It got old really fast.

Ashley, you win. That sounds horrible!! :thumbdown :thumbdown I thought them making puppy eyes and feeding each other breakfast was bad, yours is worse and it's awkward!!! I would have wanted to walk home too.....

As for car rides, it's true some people are just there to use you. I followed Luvfla's advice (given to me by another friend) and dumped pretty much all my friends. To much partying with them and not enough studying. They were so mad and hurtful when I would tell them "I can't party tonight, I have to study." Well, about a year later when my cute little sports car entered my life, guess who was calling me to play nice again! :thumbdown
I think that's something you can work on though, only you know how much of a good friend, how much she means to you. I'm just here to make dumb salsa jokes. ;)

Yes, you need to talk to her one on one..Not with Julio around. I am Hispanic and I can tell you that when a Latin man loves he really loves for life. Family is very important in the Latin culture. Sounds like he really wants you to be a part of his life. Your friend sounds like a racist to me. Whats this with the rice thing. All cultures eat rice. Be strong and always stay HUMAN..Thats what we all are, HUMAN. I have raised all 3 of my daughters not to see color. It has never been mentioned in my home. Remember its your generation that will really bring Change to our country. But not with friends like that. She is not a friend. Friends support one another. You will only have one or two good friends in your life. Everyone else are acquaintances...Good Luck and God Bless

I totally agree with this! Well said:thumbup:

Guess we must be close in age. Our posts are somewhat similar and I totally agree with yours!!

Yeah I do suppose that maybe it is kind of insensitive to be talking about Julio and my relationship while she is going through a hard time in hers. But at the same time, she really needed to take my advice when I told her to leave her boyfriend alone for a little bit because she was smothering him and she refused to do that. But I am really going to try to be more sensitive about that situation. hahaha Julio le gustan las novelas tambien como "el cartel" es su novela favorita (estoy aprendiendo espanol entonces lo siento si este frase no es correcta). hahah it makes me laugh me gustan las novelas tambien.

ILoVeEMiNnie: Thank you for your advice. I do think that what she said was very criticle and somewhat judging me and thats why I think i was very upset by it. I am like you too I have a hard time saying no and I LOVE to avoid any conflict and I give myself to everybody and I feel like its my job to help people but with her I feel like I give too much and I help her too much. I will never change for her or for anyone. Thanks again it did help.

roxies_mom: you completly have her sumed up in exactly what you said. I believe that she is jelous and she is very controling (why her bf and her are having problems). She does want to be with me every free min she has which is why she calls me like 5 - 8 times a day. But I have not ever talked to her about this so I said this is strike one, I think I am going to talk to her if it happens two more times I am done with the friendship.

luvfla: Thank you, I appricate your advice. Do you think that it would be fair to her to give her another chance or do you think that its time to say enough is enough?

Ashley V: Wow I am sorry about your friend and her boyfriend and how that made you feel. I guess that makes me think too that I need to be sensitive to her and maybe not talk about mine and julios relationship to her while she's in a hard time.

DvlshAngel985: People are really rude sometiems when it comes to cars. Its all about what car you drive and if you do drive haha. Its sad it really is.

manolos mom: Thank you very much. I like the last thing you said to me "you will have one or two good friends in your life everyone else are acquantances" Right now I am really realizing this. I try very hard not to see color either and I do not judge people becasue of the way that they are. Her and I were raised with very different values and morals I think this is why we dont see eye to eye.




Sorry I like to address everyone seprately because then i know that I didnt leave anyones advice out. Thank you all very much I really appriciate it.

Ok, I have a little experience with this :) I was with a guy who was Puerto Rican, I am total white girl! I don't speak the language, dance the dance, cook the food, nothing. We were together 10 years and engaged to each other. It was not the best relationship and I think cultural differences were a small part of the reason.

However along the way I met many americann women who were dating latino men. Some women immersed themselves into the culture so much that it became offensive even to me who was engaged to a latino man. Offensive because I felt these women were ashamed of who they really were, and ashamed of their own culture. So much so they had to take on another identity almost. Then there were women (like me) who loved their man and embracing his culture without turning into someone they were not. I learned a little spanish, learned how to cook a few meals, learned some of the ways of the culture so I would not offend them and in turn his family spoke english around me, made turkey on thanksgiving for me, etc... it was give and take.

Make sure he is as involved with YOU as you are with him. One day eat rice & beans and one day eat good ol' american spaghetti. Remember not lose yourself in his culture, take pride in who you are and your culture and also in your ability to adapt and learn other cultures and being able to keep an open mind and heart. Maybe your friend sees you slipping away into his culture to not lose him, he liked who you were when he met you. Listen to spanish with him and american music with her, keep up with both cultures and accomodate both, it will make you a richer person all around.

If she still has a problem with you just dating a latino man, then get rid of her, no need for small close-minded people in your life, no matter what their intentions are.

Hope I helped in some little way! :)

Your spanish is probably better than mine! I speak it more than I write, so I've pretty much taken the written language for granted and never practice. Maybe you can re-teach me later!:D