Originally Posted by chloeandj (Post 2008455)

do you ever catch him doing something nice or expected of him and praising the heck out of him? maybe ignoring some of the smaller bad thigns he's doing (maybe it's attention getting behavior) while picking your battles here as really bad things should not be ignored.. and then turning the tables into everything is postive. If he helps brother do anything at all, big time praise. Some alone mommy time might not be a bad idea.

Originally Posted by IluvLucy (Post 2008461)

I feel for you. I was a single parent from the time my boys were 6 & 3 'til they were 16 & 13. They are now 32 & 29

I found that the main thing is consistency. Today, I see lots of parents trying to be their children's friend. That doesn't work. They need parents, not friends. I also believe a LITTLE fear is healthy! My boys knew that if they screwed up anywhere, it would be worse when they got home.

I spanked my boys when they needed it and praised when it was appropriate.

I'll give an example: When my oldest was 14, I was home with the flu and got a call from his school to come get him - he was in a fight. I told them to release him, he would come straight home (I only lived 2 blocks away) They didn't believe me, but I insisted. I stood on the porch and watched the sidewalk until I saw him coming. By the time he got home, this hulking teenager was in tears! I'm 5'3" and he was 6 ft at the time and weighed
170, but he KNEW I was going to tear into him and I did.

Even though he was bigger than me, the respect and yes, FEAR, I instilled in both of them from the time they were little allowed me to dish out the punishment he deserved. He knew the routine - he leaned over the bed and I tore his butt up with a belt then grounded him for 2 weeks. That meant no phone, straight home from school, no friends and no tv.

He grew up to become a cop and a firearms instructor. He told this story at classes and when people laughed - he told them this "My Mama is a little short fiery woman with a temper as big as she is. She tore my butt UP and I thank God she did. It could've been me on the other side of the bars instead of the other way around. I always told them when I got in trouble at school - Please, call anybody but my Mama - she's gonna raise cain."

I tell you this because sometimes grounding and taking things away doesn't work. I'm not saying BEAT your kids - that's wrong. There is a difference in spanking and beating.

Start 'em young. Tell 'em ONE time, then follow thru with whatever punishment you deem necessary.

Originally Posted by Duncansmom (Post 2008462)

*SIGH* I have been watching this post to see all the good advice. It is MO that you never really know what its like until you live it. I will try to make this brief......
My son who is now 19, was a very very difficult little boy. I had nothing but trouble with him since the day he turned 6 mos. Everyone told me BOYS WILL BE BOYS, but I could tell it was something entirely different. He ran at 7 mos old, never crawled just pulled himself up on the table and then ran. He never talked until he was almost 3. He was forever getting into things and at 2 he leaned how to open the front door and would let himself out at 3AM to go play! I had chains and alarms and he still figured it out. He would have fits of rage, pure RAGE and it got to the point we had to take everything out of his room except his mattress and pillow. he would take solid oak chairs and throw them across the room and on and on......
I took him to so many doctors and therapists....nothing helped. He was diagnosed with tons of diff lables.....none were correct. And these were the best doctors in the state! I was considering having to send him away (still breaks my heart today) b/c I just didnt know what to do. he was harming his sister, attacking me and destroying our house. I admit that he almost BROKE me, BUT.....I saw an article that a ped wrote in FL. He wasnt too far away from us so I made an appt w him. he was a ped neuerologist. I took my son to the appt. and as soon as I saw the Dr. I burst into tears and sobbed for 20 mins. He understood. he hugged me and told me they could help my son.
In the end...my son had a very rare form of childhood epilepsy. his brain would seize every 2-12 seconds. Not a familiar seizure, a behavioral seizure with extreme adrnaline rushes that gave him adult strength! He was put on meds...had his blood checked every month and has been seizure free since he was 12. Altho he is still a brat! But I cant tell you how hard it was. now Im not saying this is your sons problems, what I am saying is i think you need to look for every possible reason as to why hes having these issues. I did send my son to camp for 2 weeks every summer and he loved it! even tho the money was tight, I knew it was something he needed. But there are many ways to keep him busy and focused you just have to be creative and persistant until you find HIS niche. Karate never worked for my son either. But I would make an appt w/ his DR. and get all the tests done just to be safe....then keep his lil butt busy with so much stuff he will fall into bed at night and sleep like a baby. Just like bored dogs who get into trouble, they need jobs. Sounds like he could use a job too! LOL you are not a bad mom...I thought I was the worst mom ever....but it wasnt me. Hang in there. Im always around if you need support. it does get better eventually!

Sorry its so long but I really wanted you to know that yo are not alone.

Originally Posted by Sookie (Post 2008479)

Amber, all I can say is that this will all pass eventually. Why? Because you are doing everything that is right. Just continue with the discipline, time out, etc. There's not much more you can do unless he has a particular interest that means a lot to him - something he wouldn't want to have taken away. With my son, now grown, it was his art. That's all he ever was interested in and it still is.

When he was about 9 he decided to go outside and light a match. It was the absolutely most perfect day for a fire - lots of leaves on the ground, no rain in a long time, a slight breeze. He made a little pile of leaves and decided to set them on fire. Within seconds they just spread like crazy and before he knew it the fire was higher than the top of the garage he was hiding behind. Fortunately for him, he immediately came running in the house for my help. It ended up burning down all our neighbors beautiful shrubbery and it almost set their garage on fire (there was an antique car, their prize possession, in the garage). That was the one time I thought my DH was going to kill one of our children. As punishment we made him use all his money to buy new bushes for the neighbor and help with digging up and planting them. Of course he was also grounded to his room when he wasn't slaving next door and offering them apology after apology. I never saw him light another match since then.

The good news!!! He has grown into a kind, caring man who has never gotten into another lick of trouble in his life. He is hard working and thoughtful and I'm so proud of him. So, keep your chin up and continue exactly what you're doing. :)

Originally Posted by IluvLucy (Post 2008489)

It's tough being a parents, even when you and your spouse are on the same page. Your situation makes it even tougher.

Your son has to know you mean business. Is there any kind of program near you where a deputy takes a kid to visit a jail? I know my son did it with younger kids who were giving their parents trouble. He'd take 'em to the jail and show 'em what was in store for them if they didn't straighten up.

It's something to think about.

Originally Posted by Amber_lv (Post 2008495)

Yes this is something i want to look into i really want him to see where lyers,theifs and bad people end up. I hate lyers it is one of the things i hate most in life and he knows it. I wanted to find some type of boot camp for him and show him some tough love. but maybe i will call the local police dept and ask if they have something that can help me. I just don't want him to be afraid of the police ya know i want them to be the good guys in his eyes.

I am seriously thinking of sending him to my grandmothers for a month this summer but they are very religious and i am embarresed that he will act out and they are older so idk if that is a good idea:(

Originally Posted by chattiesmom (Post 2008617)

My best advice is:

1) Always follow through with both rewards and punishments. If you fail to follow through kids will lose respect for your authority.

2) Always think before you say NO. Sometimes we say NO because it is easier than saying yes, but saying NO all the time it is very discouraging.

3) Replace "punishment" with cause and effect -- for instance --

You wrote on the wall with crayon, so you will have to clean the wall before you do do anything else and then follow through..... You can have dinner when the wall is clean, you can go play when the wall is clean, you can go to the bathroom when the wall is clean, etc.... you become a broken record.... you can do _____ when the wall is clean. Be cheerful and go about your merry way, have fun, have a FANTASTIC snack, watch a movie out of viewing range, play a game, etc. Give a reason to accomplish the task. Be creative, have fun, and NEVER EVER get angry. Cause and effect is not about punishment it is the natural effects of your actions.

A more positive example could be: You did a FANTASTIC job cleaning up your toys, so let's go to the park and play.

Originally Posted by chloeandj (Post 2008602)

Amber, i hope you don't get mad at me for saying this. I am just making an observation and I don't want to make any judgement on your family at all.
But so far you have said that he hates his dad, that dad works graveshift and sleeps during the day (not much time with the kids?) and that dad hits and yells for every little thing. I think instead of blaming grandma for spoiling her grandson which is perfectly normal for any grandma to do, that maybe he needs a little love and postive time from dad and work on that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I know anything, it was just a thought I had in my head while reading your posts.

On a side note...I am actually suprised by all the people recommending spanking. I truly believe that all you are teaching a child is that is ok to hit another person. I have never once spanked my kids. I just don't have it in me to hit anyone, much less a little person whose whole world is in this house with me.

Originally Posted by chloeandj (Post 2008623)

I love your post! That was wonderfully explained!!

Originally Posted by Amber_lv (Post 2008389)

unfortunanlty locks don't work. We had issues with them getting into the pantry and also Kaleb going in rooms he wasn't allowed so i bought the baby door things and they helped Kaleb open the doors better, We then resoted to the hook locks on the tops of the doors but the second we turned our back they had chairs and when Kaleb couldn't reach he just ripped them out of the walls:eek::mad:

Originally Posted by SincrOne (Post 2010212)

I am a therapist (counselor) who works with adolescents, and there are SO many things I want to say here. First, though, I will say that there is a difference between punishment and consequence. Punishment is easy, consequence takes time, energy, and thought. The consequence to a behaviour should ALWAYS be tied to the behavior as closely as possible. (For example a child who destroys his siblings favorite toy may lose his own toy AND have to have a discussion with a parent about why destroying the other toy was inappropriate) Additionally, intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of behavioral reinforcement. If you are going to be too tired to confront a behavior 100% of the time, you'd do better not to do it ever. (For instance, Jonny doesn't eat his veggies Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and he doesn't get dessert. This results in 2 hours of crying and pouting. On Friday you don't want to listen to him cry and pout so you give him the dessert anyway...guess what's going to happen on Saturday?!!) Next, parental divide in a home creates the biggest problem of almost any I see in my practice. One parent who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of the child while one parent is noticeably absent, tyrranical and/or a combination of the 2 confuses the child/ren and leaves the home in a chaotic state. Finally, there appear to have been many changes in this child's life. Moving out of grandma's, new brother, dad's new work schedule...subtle changes to an adult, but at 8 (and younger) MAJOR life changes.

I'd suggest a couple of things. First, continue doing what you're doing in terms of maintaining stability. My hat is off to you for being such a wonderfully caring and concerned mother. Next, encourage (and I know that it's easier said than done) your husband to understand the necessity in discontinuing the yelling and screaming...it's not helping the situation any and is only serving to create anxiety in a child who already has needs. I would encourage you to sit with your sons AND your husband to discuss consequences for the most troublesome behaviors (the safety stuff, first) so that he can know what to expect...he already knows, but it will give him ownership. I have a book called Effective Parents, Responsible Children that I used years ago in parenting classes, if you'll PM me your information (I know you don't know me, but I really am trying to help), I'll try to purchase and ship you a copy.

That stuff is a start, and I'll continue to offer as much support as I can. PM me, and I'll continue to support you as needed. HTH

Originally Posted by chloeandj (Post 2008602)

Amber, i hope you don't get mad at me for saying this. I am just making an observation and I don't want to make any judgement on your family at all.
But so far you have said that he hates his dad, that dad works graveshift and sleeps during the day (not much time with the kids?) and that dad hits and yells for every little thing. I think instead of blaming grandma for spoiling her grandson which is perfectly normal for any grandma to do, that maybe he needs a little love and postive time from dad and work on that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I know anything, it was just a thought I had in my head while reading your posts.

On a side note...I am actually suprised by all the people recommending spanking. I truly believe that all you are teaching a child is that is ok to hit another person. I have never once spanked my kids. I just don't have it in me to hit anyone, much less a little person whose whole world is in this house with me.

Originally Posted by crystalsmom (Post 2011288)

edit: I didn't see the post above, how wonderful.

I especially like yours and Chattiemom's advise and I was about to post something about Dad also. I have one thing I might add that I did every night and it brought me and my children so close was to read to them in bed every night. Some days I did have to send them to their room or take a toy away and they would be upset but they knew at the end of the day that I loved them no matter what the day was like and we were ready for tomorrow.

Originally Posted by crystalsmom (Post 2011288)

edit: I didn't see the post above, how wonderful.

I especially like yours and Chattiemom's advise and I was about to post something about Dad also. I have one thing I might add that I did every night and it brought me and my children so close was to read to them in bed every night. Some days I did have to send them to their room or take a toy away and they would be upset but they knew at the end of the day that I loved them no matter what the day was like and we were ready for tomorrow.