I'm so sad.. I miss my dad
 

I want to apologize if I upset anyone!

But I can't help but to think of my dad today:cry:

You see.. My dad died 9 years ago the day after Valentine's Day.
I never really "knew" him..
See he and my mom split up when I was a little kid... He did come visit me.. but that's never enough..

The reason they split was because he had an alcohol problem and my grandpa didn't want him near us. I remember the times I spent with him (both good and bad)(he was NEVER EVER abusive) and it makes me so sad.. not only that I didn't spend enough time with him.. just they way I treated him:(

Well, when he died.. I couldn't care less.. but after a couple years.. it just hit me more and more..

My dad's gone.. I can't bring him back.... whatever type of person he was.. he was my father.. he helped give me life.. and now he's gone... and what did I do?!!! I'm so ashamed of myself!!!! I don't think anyone understands!!!!:cry::cry::cry:

I was driving home from work today and Mariah Carey's new song ByeBye came on.. I was bawling my eyes out!... If you haven't heard it.. please listen to it.. it's a beautiful song, truly!

All I want to say as a 20 year old.. is:
Anyone who hasn't talked to their dad's for whatever reason.. think about it:
Is it really worth it??? Maybe you won't miss him today.. or tomorrow.. but in time... you will see.. he meant so much to you (even if he wasn't there)

If you have your father.. cherish him.. tell him you love him.. even if he doesn't say it back.. he does loves you.



Again, I am really sorry if I upset anyone.. but I haven't talked to anyone about it other than my bf.. and it makes me sad...
You all are like a second family to me and I hope you understand

Your post made me want to hug you. I am pretty close to my dad, but that only makes me understand you even more. The good thing is that while your dad was here, maybe he didn't know how you felt - heck, you didn't even know how you felt. But now, he knows. So you can let him know how you feel NOW. It's never too late.........

I have to go load that song up to listen to it..... in your dad's honor. ~Hugs~

big hugs to you, I think we all wish there was something we should have said or done when we loose a parent. I lost my mom 7 years ago and I take it day by day. I feel like my kids were robbed from their grandma. She is missing so much.

Yes for those who do have their parents enjoy every moment you still have.

again ((hugs))

:hug: My Dad passed away in December and I was very close to him. I made sure that I was there almost every minute in the hospital. You see my Mom passed away 4 years ago and I learned so much from that. I regret not being there when she wanted company at chemo. I stayed sometimes but sometimes I'd drop her off and then pick her up. I regretted not being with her all the time she was feeling ill. We learn from our mistakes. You had no way of knowing how you would feel when he was gone....I didn't. Don't be hard on yourself. Just sharing this is helpful for yourself and others. One Sweet Day by Mariah reminds me of my Mom and I lose it also. :hug:

:justahug:

Edith, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a very loving person and you didn't do anything wrong. People deal with death differently, there's no right or wrong way of accepting it. Your reaction sounds perfectly normal. I bet you needed the maturity you have now to understand what your loss ment.

My father passed 4 years ago today and I still miss him terribly. Remember that no one is perfect and no one is a perfect parent. You can still love them for who they are, or were. I bet you, you have a guardian angel checking on you regularly! I know I do :)

God bless you ... and allow yourself to learn and cherish the loved ones in your life.

Thank You Diane...

If it's the way I think it is.. he knows i think about him constantly. And cry over his loss almost every day.

I hope you do listen to the song... it's just so beautiful... whether anyone has lost anyone close to them or not

Thanks so much Diane! maybe it's because I'm young.. or maybe because I lost him in a way I know could have been prevented..

but I don't think that at any age loosing a parent gets any easier..

Does it get any easier at any day? or does it just sometimes feel like it may be getting better just to feel like you're back at number one??
I wish I could just shake the feeling that maybe

Oh Maggie...
I'm so sorry your dad passed away. Your mom also.
Although you weren't there with her physically.. you with with her spiritually.
You shouldn't feel bad about not being by your mom... maybe that's just not the way God (don't mean to offent anyone) had it planned. Maybe the reason you weren't there was because you were supposed to be closer to your dad in his time of need... you just never know.

Either way.. What was meant to be was meant to be.

Hugs and Thank You

Edith

Thank You:ittysm:

Kathy,
I'm so sorry for your father's loss.
May he rest in peace.

I have never been good with words.. but may I just say.. your whole family is in my prayers and in my thoughts. May his soul rest in peace.

Shoot, I can't tell you it will get easier.. her I am.. almost 21 (I know, still young.. but remember.. I was 11 when my dad left).. and I cry for my dad as if I were 3..
For some people, time heals all wounds.. for others it doesn't..
For me, I don't think I can find my peace just yet.



I don't know if my dad would have been a good parent or not.. but yet... I love him.. and I think that's all that matters.. it's the love.. no matter what your parents are going through.. or what you believe is the right "type"of parent.. if they show you the love (not by money or even by telling you their feelings) but just by them being there and in one way or another showing that they really, turly care... that, to me, makes a mother or father.

I think about everyone that still is in my life constantly... whether they be in it for a minute or a lifetime... some people may think I have forgotten about them... but I haven't... I never will

Edith, I understand.
Dear, you were so young then. You had no way of looking at the situation then with the maturity that you have now. You were a young girl, a child. There is no reason for you to be ashamed of yourself for your feelings at that time. I have had a conversation about this with my youngest sister many times. She was 14 when our dad died, I was 27. She was so angry with him at the time, she moved to our other sister's house to be away from him. She was 30 before she started to feel the grief of loosing him.
I don't think it matters how much time we have a parent with us or what choices they made in their own lives. There is a bond there that goes to our soul. When they are gone, and it does not matter how long they are gone, the grief of the loss is still there. Grief is a funny thing, it hangs around knowing that some day we will have to deal with it.
This morning I pray for your grief. I also pray for joy for your soul, because no matter how strong our pain....the joy is still in our lives just waiting for us. Auntie Jeanie

Thank you Edith...

OK, Edith :) Here's the thing. I am a bit more than twice your age, so I think I can say something (very kindly meant). An 11 year old is not capable of understanding death. A 20 year old can. Take it from a 45 year old who went into a depression for a year after loosing a parent, DO NOT LET IT CONSUME YOU!

You must grieve, but make sure you insert joyful moments, and actions into your life to "celebrate" his life. Perhaps do a bit of research to get to know who your father was. I planted a Red Horse Chestnut Tree that will grow to be 40 feet tall in the corner of my yard, in memory of my father. I makes me so happy to see it bud, then produce these beautiful large red blooms in the Spring. Make something positive grow. Find something that was dear to your father's heart, and do a charity project, or just something dear to your heart. Help someone else...this is how I pulled myself out of my grief.

Life is hard. How we deal with the difficulties is what forms our character (how we learn in life). This experience will allow you to help someone else down the road. You are going thru a very emotional and sad time, for good reason. I am guessing something happened to trigger this journey? Lots of prayers will get you thru this. And you WILL get thru this and be very happy again. I am guessing it will be much sooner than you think. :) lots of hugs!

Aww Edith i am so sorry about your dad:( I wish i could give you a hug. I didn't know my dad was my dad until i was 12, if that makes sense. Well my dad, the man that helped my mom raise me is not my biological father but he was the one that would take me to school, give me allowance, buy me presents and just be my dad. Anyway my mom i and my brother would take trips to florida where we would stay with my 'moms friend' who also had 2 daughters. I found out when i was 12 that he is my biological father. I visit him in Florida sometimes and talk to him every couple months and call him 'dad' just for the sake of it but becuase he didn't raise me it's very hard for me to call him that and say 'i love you' when it comes natural for me to say it to my 'dad the one that DID raise me'. Anyway your post made me realize even though he wasn't there for me for the 1st 12 yrs of my life as a dad, i still should keep in touch with him and call him more. It's not his fault, he wanted me to know he was my father, but my mom didn't tell me, i guess cause she thought it would be hard since he lives in Florida. He's always been kind and there for me. He said if i ever want to move to florida i have somewhere to go. And i have 2 older half sisters, i look like both of them which i always noticed but never thought anything of it. Anyway its up to me to keep in touch with him, cause he does call me and i sometimes ignore it. It's hard but im going to try to communicate with him and my sisters more. But now i really have a dilemma cause when i get married who will walk me down the aisle? :rolleyes: I am so sorry you never got to have that relationship with your dad. I'm sure deep inside he knew you loved him. You were young, it's not your fault at all. I was, am the same way. Hugs to you girl!!:ghug:

Edith, you are very insightful and mature for your age.
i know you are hurting over the loss of your father, and the loss of a relationship that you wanted, and never got from him. Please know that he may have been an alcoholic, and yes he chose that over his family-but-that doesn't mean he didn't love you. He just wasn't strong enough to beat the addiction, and to see things as clearly as you do. You are stronger than he was.
I am going through a similar situation right now. Long story short-my husbands mother is a life long alcoholic and its killing us. a few yrs ago we forced her to move in with us for about 4 months (she was drinking a huge bottle of vodka everyday-and she only weights about 90 lbs!), she sobered up and gained weight and was looking great! well, she started disappearing on the weekends meeting up with random men (and drinking again). we asked her to move out-financially she was supposed to get a job and we were really hurting trying to buy her meds (they were around 500 bucks a month!) and support her and she didn't care.
we just saw her two weekends ago-she KNEW we were coming over and she was COMPLETELY drunk at 12:30 in the day-she blacked out and hit the floor in front of us-laying on her face. We wont be going back for a long time-it scared my husband really bad and she refuses help, and refuses to even acknowledge she drinks too much.We expect her to be dead within a year.

I hope you know that addictions ruin alot. They destroy the person and who they are (and what they could have been!), they destroy children, relationships but i dont think they mean to hurt people like they do.. its part of the addiction process.
Your dad loved you, and where ever he is-he still does. I hope you know that. Its ok to grieve over him-and its ok to be mad at him sometimes. Just pray for him, that he is finally at peace, that he is watching over you (im sure he is, and im sure he regrets alot of things). Talking to him may help you too ( i know it sounds craaazy, but i do believe that deceased family watch over us..) tell him you forgive and love him.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, and we are here to talk to you and listen-- Mel