Advice needed
 

I need some advice. I was engaged to a man I was with for almost 10 years. We broke up in August 05. It was tramatizing for me. In May 06 I was set up with a guy who was nice and older than me. I tried to make it work, but it just did not work, and after almost a year with him when I still just had NO real feelings for him, I broke up with him in May 07.

I did the LAME thing and told him I just was not ready for a relationship and had too much going on in my head and heart. It was not true and I SHOULD have told him that I was not feeling for him the way he was feeling for me (well I kind of did, but did not make it clear enough). We did however stay friends and went out in groups and talked and occassionally visited each other, but nothing physical ever went on after the breakup.

Well in January this year (7 months after the breakup with him) I started dating a guy. The relationship is going great, this guy is more suited to me and Im more ready to open myself again and be involved with this new guy. However, even though I don't speak to the 'ex' much anymore, I still do occassionally and I have NO idea how to tell him that Im seeing someone. Im sure he has a clue about it, but it has not come from me. I know he wanted me back for a long time, but Im not sure if he still does.

He may actually get MAD if/when I tell him about my 'new' guy, but Im sure he'd be more mad if he heard it from someone else before me. I don't know how to tell him though.

What do I do?? How would YOU want to find that kind of thing out? Am I obligated to tell him? I am not sure how to play this one out. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to stop MY life because Im afraid to hurt him.

Thanks!


PS - this is something I also posted in 'ask a man' on the woman 4 woman forum. I sooo need some advice soon bc I need to tackle this issue within the next couple days.

that is tough girl, My advice would be just tell him and get it over with, thank of how much better you will feel afterwards and your right he would be more hurt if he ran into you guys somewhere or heard from someone else. If he truly cares about you and is a true friend he will understand and be happy for you, of course he may be bummed at first but maybe it will make him move on with his life:)

ps congrats on the new guy:cool:

Don't sweat it. Realistically after you've broken up, unless there's something that really clicked between you ... you have no business talking or anything. At least not for a really long time.

There's no golden rule that says things have to work out. You guys tried, it didn't, shake and break ... no biggie, life goes on. Just like there's nothing that says dogs have to like other dogs or small children :P

Your business is yours and vs vsa ... or do you both socialize with the same circles?

Coming from a guy, I don't think I would want to know. Honestly, even though you have remained friends it is none of his business what is going on in your personal life. You guys dated, it didn't work out and he should have moved on by now. I know I would not like it if I girl I dated and cared for her more than she cared for me told me she was dating someone new. It would almost seem like she was trying to rub it in. Not saying that is what you are doing.

Thanks girls and guys.

I didn't know if I should tell him or not, but maybe I should not?? I was kind of thinking that really its not his business to know my personal life anymore. However, we do go to lunch occassionally (like once a month maybe). I don't want to intentionally make it seem like Im LYING by totally avoiding it, but I do feel like I cannot casually say to him "I went to the store with my boyfriend last week" ya know?

This is a confusing situation for me! I hate that! :( I should have (hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20) not taken the lame/easy way out when I broke up with him and should have made sure i shut that door completely in his eyes as I did in my eyes.

When ya'll broke up though, did you leave him with the expectation of a future relationship? If that is what he thought he is a fool. Sorry for being blunt. A breakup is a breakup. You go your way, he goes his and nobody owes anybody anything.

If you want to remain friends, open and honest is how I would handle it. If I were in his position I would want to know and would respect that you told me vs. finding out another way...

Thanks girls! I waited such a long time to meet a guy like the guy Im dating. After what Ive been through I do deserve to be happy and IN LOVE finally. :love: Thats why I hate that my ex is kind of tainting it but its my own fault.

In my eyes I did not leave any expectations. But in his eyes I might have. I never said "someday maybe..." I never did anything to lead him on in the year we've been broken up at all.... However we did see each other more often over last summer and fall than we do now. (I did not bring him around my friends and family anymore at all though - it was just him & I when we saw each other). I did tell him when we broke up that we are different people and that I did not feel for him the way he felt for me. I never once told him I loved him even though he said it to me. I also told him the age difference is too much for me. (he was 15 years older than me) He didnt see that, but he fell asleep at 9pm on the couch on a friday night when Id rather be out doing something! Things like that got to me, I was too young for him.

I don't think you are obligated to however, since you guys do occassionally hang out, have lunch, socialize in the same circles, I think it would be considerate to him and his feelings to give him a heads up next time you are at lunch or something so he is not blind sided when you show up with your boyfriend at the next group outing.

Oh NO... we NEVER hang out in the same circles... if I see him its just him & I for lunch or something. So he wouldn't bump into us socially unless it was at a store or something, but even at that we hang out in different towns about a half hour or more away from each other.

Oh sorry I thought I read that you went out in groups.

If you don't hardly see him except maybe an occassional lunch or whatnot, then my opinion is that you are under no obligation to tell him if you don't want to.