Feeling a little unappreciated
 

OK, so I should be having a great time at this point in my life. My oldest son is in college 800 miles away, my second son is "taking a year off" after high school so he has been staying at my ex-husbands house for a few months now, and I have two kids left at home, a 17 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. My son who still lives at home works with my current husband in the restaurant business so they are never home on weekends and my daughter is either with her friends, or talking to them...normal for a 14 year old. I have basically become the person they all come to when they have a problem, need money, etc.... Problem is, aside from that I'm invisible.

Here's the latest confirmation. My oldest son called me on Friday, he's supposed to be coming home for spring break and his car won't start. He tried a few things and can't get it started. He isn't allowed to stay on campus, so I wire him money for a train ticket so he can come home. I'm doing this all on my hour drive home from work. I drive last night 2 1/2 hours to the train station to pick him up, 2 1/2 hours back only to find out when I get back home with him at 3am this morning, he has a friend picking him up from my house to bring him to my ex-husbands house. why didn't he call my ex for help you ask? Because he's an incredible waste of skin and my son knows he wouldn't have helped. Now, maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I was MAD:mad: Correct me if I'm wrong, and I would love to be wrong, but that just said to me "thanks for going crazy trying to get me home mom, but you're not important enough for me to spend my time here" I really feel like just telling them all " you're on your own, don't even call me anymore" but I know I can't. They are my kids after all.

Has anyone else had this experience before or am I just a horrible mother? How do you make them realize that you're not just a sounding board for problems or a pocketbook?

AT least I know my furbaby will never take me for granted. He's the only thing keeping me sane right now!:aimeeyork
Thanks for letting me vent.

Aww. That stinks. I would be upset too. I think you should give yourself some time to cool off and then tell them exactly how you feel. Not with anger but with an honest "I'm feeling unappreciated" kind of talk. Good luck.....:(

Thanks ! I'll give it try, but if I'm not angry I tend to be kind of a pushover.

me too! :p

Hey sister,....I hear you. I am in Texas and my son is in school in CA. He came home for Christmas (3 days). I paid for the plane ticket $600.00. When he was home he slept the entire time and when he was awake he was off visiting friends. Last night he was home, spent with a friend, cause he had been out late (totally fine with this) He was to come home at 10 - 11 am and spend the rest of the day with us. He shows up at 3 and his friend comes with (again, this is okay...he's here and awake) he SAID he was late because he had met a friend from Houston for breakfast right outside of Austin. Turns out the friend (who let it slip) had loaned him his car and he DROVE to Houston to visit this other (girl)friend. I was so MAD, not only did we spend ZIPPO time with him, we paid big bucks to get him here:( I let him know I was disappointed with him (mostly for the lie) and then he doesn't call us for awhile....so there is no winning if you let them know how you feel. I just hope one day he will realize....
I guess these years are the ME years....or this is what I tell myself to feel better. I think I was probably the same way, I didn't realize how much my mom wanted to spend time with me and how much she did for me. Comes back to haunt ya', I guess.

I would just tell them how you are feeling. Maybe your Son didnt know that would hurt you. My Son in college always comes to us when he need help instead of his Dad. He always spends more time at our house instead of his Dads too.

My heart goes out to both of you. I am a little past that stage in that my kids are adults but I was right exactly where you are. Sometimes I still am but it is much better. Just know that you are not alone in what you are feeling....more hurt than mad! It will get better!!!

I think it also helps to remember that the vast majority of college kids are still in the "ME, ME, ME" phase of life. Nothing else matters except their wants & needs. In his mind, he probably thinks that because he talks to you and you picked him up, that it is sufficient. Other than that, he's probably just thinking that being at Dad's is an open door to do whatever he wants during his "vacation".

Unfortunately, us Mom's love so unconditionally that we get taken for granted because they know we will always be there for them. Speak your mind & let him know how this hurts you. It isn't about a guilt trip, but about being responsible and sensitive.

Order a pizza or three. It never fails! :D You'll have more kids at your house than you know what to do with. Or plan something like a movie marathon of their favorite movies and tell them to invite a friend (if you're okay with that) Make popcorn and just have a lot of fun. While you are having fun and laughing together, bring up how you feel.

Been there, done that, teenagers just don't think sometimes. Hugs!

I went through a faze in my early 20's where, while I loved my parents, I kinda didnt want to spend any time with them. I was at an age where I wanted to do my own thing. I'm sure they were annoyed that I basicly only saw them to do laundry, but they bit their tounges. Now, I'm in my early 30's and I cant get enough of them. I think this is a normal thing that young adults go through. I cant imagine how hard this is for you, but they will come around. :)

Aww Im sorry you feel that way. Im 23 and Im sure I have done that to my parents without even realizing it. But..just because we might not show it all the time, we DO appreciate yall! There are times when I think about how much have given up for my brother and I and it brings me to tears. So dont think that what you do goes unnoticed!

I 2nd this, iffff their attitudes don't change, start saying, hmm, I'm busy, don't think I can help you. When they see how important mom issss, they may come around. Just my 2 cents.

I have one child and instead of coming home this week for spring break she went on a service project - while I'm thrilled that she wants to help others I would really like some time with her too. She had only 2 weeks at Christmas & we spent most of it with my parents ;) -- As soon as the semester ends she's off to Australia for a summer study/service project there.

The only way I'm going to see her anytime soon is to drive 11-plus hrs to see her Easter weekend & then again 5-6 weeks later to pack up her stuff :eek: while she leaves the country

Did you hear about that mom in Indiana that went on strike last year - it was all over the national news - I'll have to find that story again. Maybe you could go on strike - see if they notice.

:( I know you're feeling unappreciated now, believe me. My son and daughter both went through that phase too. But, with time, they were able to see for themselves how their Dad was. I never had to say a word.

Today, my kids have turned into wonderful, appreciative adults. My son calls me at least twice a day. My daughter, not so often, she's raising two kids of her own.

Just wanted to say, that it can get better! hugs!!

I am lovin' that strike idea !!!

Thanks!
 

I just wanted to say thanks for all the support from other moms and the explanation from the younger crowd. It made me feel alot better to know that it isn't just me that's going through this. I'm sure I did the same thing with my parents, but I was the youngest of 5, so they were used to it by then I guess. This is my first experience with this behavior and we have always been close so I guess I kind of freaked out.

I'm sorry it took me so long to read your posts, I haven't been able to get on and chat for a while....Mom's work is never done!
;)

My 14 (15 April ) is going to Rome next week. Well for her to go we had to raise 3000.00 for her to go. Well with no help from her (father) we got all the money for her to go. She had to get a passport and to get one she had to have her dad sign. She only sees him once a year if that. He signs he tells her if it wasnt for him she wouldnt get to go. So now she thinks he is the greatest person ever. I would love to UJGFHJFD that man. LOL I raised my son for 17 years without him at all, no money or anything. Well my son went to go live with his dad and wont talk to me. His dad told him I kept him from them, what a lie. trust me I know how you feel I do all the work and he gets all the fame.

I too went through this with my kiddos...They are now 22, 24 and 26...I will add to the "It will get better" Moms...I will promise you it does get better. They get out of the "ME ME ME' stage about 23 or so..Then they become that thoughtful person you wanted from them all along and it makes you drop your jaw how sweet and caring they can be.....Its almost like a light bulb that goes off in them and one day they think of you...Hang in there! They obviously know your the one they can count on now and this will always be their thoughts of you...You'll be proud of this later on!!!! Kids are like an investment, they don't pay off in the short term...its the long haul that they come through on!!!
Promise from a Mom in Texas!!;)

I'm sorry you're feeling unappreciated. :( I am 21 and I can tell you my mom feels the exact same way! Atleast she reminds me ALL the time! The problem is since I am the one that lives home still she takes what my brother does, out on me. Today she came to my room and said "I already know that im going to die alone since my 2 kids don't love me or care about me" she says things like this just to get me mad, and she doesn't even know but it hurts my feelings really bad. We might not show our appreciation as much, but it is not out of spite, we just don't notice it most of the time. If my mom would ask me things gently, and nicely i guarantee i will do them, instead of yelling them first thing like she does all the time. So im the kid(well not a kid but you know) and i don't know what to do. I try, yesterday i cleaned the whole house, the dishes, everything and i didn't even get a thank you. When i do things she doesn't seem to 'notice' but when i don't she is quick to yell at me about it. My brother is 25 now and already has his own family. My mom babysits his daughter and most of the time he has an attitude, and my mom gets mad but i know he is very stressed cause he is learning the hard way what it is to hold a household and raise a kid, he works all the time, overtime trying to save money. So i tell her don't take it personally he is just stressed. Sometimes things are not understood and i think that is where the problem is. I would say just try to talk to them gently, ask them if they want to do something with you(something they like) and even though they don't show appreciation i bet they do deep inside. I heard someone say when you are with your parents they annoy you and you want to just get away but when you are away you miss them and feel like a part of you is missing and i think that's true. Seeing you makes them feel better and even though they spent that little bit of time with you it is their way of saying thanks. Am i rambling? lol

Sometimes the best remedy is to TALK, talk it out. Talk about expectancies, wishes, compromises. When that does not work there is the .... I am parent, I pay for the extras, I lay down the law. Amen ;) My daughter is 26 when she was a teen she had a set time to "chat with friends on the phone" the rest was taken up with school, family time, church, etc.
Wish you moms Luck, I have to go through all this stuff again with my 9 1/2 yr. old who thinks he is 33, uughh. :rolleyes:

Now I know what my mom meant when she said, "Wait until you're a mother"....