Breaking up... and breaking down.
 

Hey All :(

I'm not the type to talk about boyfriend/breakups with people but I am lost. I have NOONE to talk to.

My boyfriend of 5.5 years has broken up with me. It has been a long time coming... but I had always hoped we would SOMEHOW pull through.

The hardest part is that we live together and I am SOOOO emotional around him and he is VERY callus and stoic about it. He is also being very mean to me. And I break down and he doesn't want to comfort me AT ALL-- gets mad at me for crying. I don't know what else to do. My yorkie usually sleeps in his room and I stole him tonight so I didn't have to feel so alone...

I was hoping this would make me feel less alone as well.

I'm really sorry :( This has got to be so tough on you **hugs**

My now DH and I broke up for about a year during our 5 year relationship and still had to live in the same apt (housing in Boston is a nightmare), so I can understand where you are coming from.

It was very difficult to co exist some days :(.

But you two ended up working things out??

It's just so hard to break up with someone you've grown up with and then to have them turn around and make you feel like you're emotions are a waste of his time and energy.. after all we have been through and he's so bitter and angry over everything I say or try to say... and he just get furious if I start crying... I don't understand how people can be so uncaring...

Yes, we actually did work it out. I saw other people, he didn't -- but in the end we decided we were better together and that we missed each other.

It was actually a really good thing for our relationship because when we got together I was 19, he was 28 so he had a lot more experience than I did in relationships.

He was my first serious relationship and I started to wonder what else was out there. I found out after all was said and done that I didn't really need to look anywhere else, because the person I loved, I already had.

It was really hard though and there were hurt feelings and tough times.

I'm sorry that he isn't being more supportive of your feelings and emotions. I can't imagine how that must feel. It is such a long time to be with someone and then to have it change so suddenly :(.

Is it more just on his end, or have things not been good for a while for both of you?

I'm sorry he's being a meanie right now :(

It's on both ends. He actually broke up with me over the summer (and during that time we live separately because we aren't in school and have to work back in our hometown) Sooo we both dated other people... feelings were hurt... but HE decided he wanted to get back together. So we did... and now he just doesn't think we make eachother happy. In all honesty my inability to trust him has led to a lot of our issues...

Have you tried couples counseling? I know it may seem silly, but my DH and I did that when we decided to give it another try and it really helped us through a lot of things.

I don't know if you are a part of a church or anything like that, but they usually offer low cost or free sessions.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know that my dating other people while we were broken up was a hard thing for my DH to accept as well even though he had agreed to it to begin with.

I'm sorry you are going thru this but based on some of the things you are saying maybe it is for the best. Do you really want to be with someone you don't really trust? Do you really want to be with someone who has a hard time sympathizing with how you are feeling? Do you really want to be with someone gets angry when you show how you are feeling? I know I'm only hearing your side of things but based on that, he kinda sounds like a jerk and don't you deserve better than that? It's out there somewhere and you a never gonna find it if you are willing to settle for what you have there. It's scary but you will get thru this and I imagine someday you will look back and say thank goodness!

I agree - Change is really hard - but sometimes we can look back and think "How did I live like that ?"

Good luck !! It sounds like you're going thru the really hard part right now - but I promise - it gets better and you'll meet someone who won't walk all over you

Oh girl... I so know the feeling. The guy I was with for almost 10 years, engaged to and owned a stupid house with broke up with me, left me to cancel the wedding, sell the house... all while still trying to co-exist. Can you kick him out? I mean he is the one who broke up with you? I kicked my ex to his mothers house until our house sold. He also was very callous and mean about it, he once told me a long time ago that the guy feels like they have to be mean about it so they leave no room for false hope with the girl. I guess it makes sense, and there is no happy medium right? You break her heart and the only thing that is worse than that is giving her false hope afterwards by trying to offer comfort or support. To tell ya the truth girl, if he was to offer you comfort it wouldn't help you, cuz he is the cause of your pain.

Im so sorry you are having to go through this, PM me if you want to talk.... I can also direct you to another forum (where Im an admin) for dealing with break ups, where you can chat, vent, cry, scream and make some friends while you go through this.

It took me over 2.5 years to get over him but I am now and looking back, my break up was a LONG time overdue as well, so it will get better! I promise! :)

Thanks guys...

It i freakin so hard. I can't kick him out... we share an apartment here at school. I'll be done in March and I can move out if this is still too painful for me.

He doesn't realize (maybe he does??) that he is being an A*S to me because he always says that it's my fault in the first place. There are a lot of things wrong with our relationship... but there were so many good things too...

I've suggested counseling (awhile back) but we never looked into it...
At this point I don't know if he's willing to put in the effort. He just acts like he's so sick of me. It makes me feel like trash. I hate this...

I want to thank you all for your support and sharing your stories. It heps me to realize that I'm not alone and these things do happen, to good people, all the time.

I know it's hard and I'm so sorry you're going through. No offense but your ex sounds like a jerk. I wouldn't waste any more time with him. As hard as it must be cut your losses and run QUICK! His true colors are showing and it's not a good thing. You are an intelligent, beautiful girl who deserves someone who will treat you like a Princess. Please don't sell yourself short. YOU WILL NOT END UP ALONE SO DON'T SETTLE. I think that is always the biggest fear. Good luck.

I'm sorry you are going through a break up but it sounds like it's the right thing for you. You don't want to be with someone who is hurtful and disrespectful of your emotions. If it didn't hurt you wouldn't be crying. If he doesn't understand this then you are better off without him. I know it's hard because you are still living under the same roof but try to avoid him as much as possible. Visit friends or family when you can.

We are ALWAYS here if you need to talk. Good luck!!

I agree. And i am so sorry! If he gets mad at you for crying that says a lot about him. He knows he is being an as* but doesn't seem to care. If it were me i would kick him out but since you can't just try to move on, keep yourself busy and away from him, do your own things. Don't stay in the house and cry, that will just let him feel higher and important. I'm so sorry, i hope you feel better.

Thats soo true. I just got out of a 3 year relationship.. and I never thought that I was going to be able to end it with him. Yet I was able to. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can send me a message! Trust me, once you get on the other side its soo much better. You will see:) I didn't want to believe anyone when they tried to give me any advice I wanted to ignore it.

I AGREE!! I was with someone for almost 5 years. I will never settle. YOU, YOUR HAPPINESS, YOUR HEALTH ( because they can make us emotionally and physically sick ) are the most important. DOnt stay in a poor relationship. I agree thats its hard right now living together still, but try to make it bearable for the term, then part ways.
I wish you the best of luck, you WILL get better, it WILL get better, trust, me ive been through it more than once, and I am 34 STILL waiting for my Prince Charming!

I hope this "tough" info helps you
 

I have such sad feelings for you while reading this.
You should know this much though. There is NO such word as CAN'T.

If you are having problems like this now, what do you expect in the future?
A leopard does not change its spots.

Your only smart move at this moment is to kick him to the curb and get on with your life.
Dating is the time to find out if you will be compatible with your mate.
Marriage is a long time commitment.

This does not sound like a 'compatible' union at all.
But you do not need me to tell that to you.
You already know this.

If he treats you shabby now, why would he change?
Especially since you hang around no matter what?
I know this may sound cruel to you, but it is factual.

Make evaluations and look to the future, not just to the next weekend or the next month.
I am saying these things for your benefit.

Trust me, he is not the only fish in the sea.
You need to broaden your horizons and get on with your life.

I am in a happy marriage, but I had to kiss many frogs to get here.
And when I look back, I am SO glad I did not stick around for some of the questionable relationships I had been in.

Can't you find a girlfriend to move in with for the next 2 months?
Do what is BEST for you in the long run. You do not deserve this treatment.

Stand tall and be proud of what you do. Do not let him destroy your self esteem.
You deserve MUCH better.

I was also in a relationship for 5.5 years and was actually engaged to him for 2 of those years. All we did was fight and break up then get back together then fight and break up...so on and so on for the last 2 years. Finally I said enough was enough...I think we were staying together because we were a habit for one another and we were each others first love and the first for many things...We stayed close friends (after the intial hurt of breaking up) even had some rendevous... 6 months after breaking up with him I found my husband whom I have been married to for 18 years. Its hard breaking up with someone that you have had in your life for so long....sometimes you have to be mean to get the point across... I know I had to be mean with my ex to get him to realize that this is over...but that didn't last long....hang in there. Take some time to really think why you are still with him....is it because you are each others "habit" and you are aftraid to be alone???

I am so very sorry! I went through divorce after an 18 year marriage and two daughters. I was a mess to say the least, and he seemed to just not care. Of course there was another woman. Now, 15 years later, I am married to a wonderful man and will celebrate our 12th anniversary this year. I can't take away the pain. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. Let yourself grieve. Maybe even get some counseling. That does help. But there is life on the other side. No matter how much I don't believe that, it is true! Cling to that, and take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself, and please, whatever you do, don't beat yourself up! Take care, sister.

:(
 

I appreciate everyones' advice.

Here is an update...

I initially thought this break-up steamed from some long-term problems we both have... but I don't think that is the case.

He says that no matter how much he wants to be with me, he can't because he isn't sure who the heck he is right now. He's not proud of himself or happy with where his life is heading...

I don't know if that have a lot to do with me or not. I'm beyond heartbroken. We've had our ups and downs but I know that I want him... there is no question in my mind. He says he knows he wants me but can't bring himself to do it right now.

I really don't know what to do now. I'm trying to be supportive of him finding happiness in his life... it just breaks my heart that I am not his happiness anymore. I'm trying to remain a good person about this and support him in finding the things that makes him happy-- it's just so hard when those things seem to be rooted in hurtful circumstances (parties, drinking with other people, allowing girls to hang all over him)... I hope he realizes that those are the things that are distractions and won't really make him happy or proud...

But it's hard to be there for him AND try to protect my heart. He holds so much of it in his hands and his actions affect me deeply. They hurt. Sorry I'm rambling... I just don't know what else to do anymore. I've broken down more than anyone can count, I can't eat, I can't go to class, I can't even be a cheerful person around my friends.

:(
Thanks for listening.

I think at some points it was like that. It was so hard for so long and we both stuck it out because we are eachothers best friends... but he is not my habit. I went the whole summer without him. I'm blessed to have him in my life and I shouldn't ever have taken him for granted and made him feel unimportant. I think that is why he's going through what he is right now-- I didn't make him feel like he played a crucial role in making me happy.

:(

oh hun I am so sorry you are going through this right now:( Please be strong and I know this is very cliche but it cant rain everyday and you are such a beautiful girl, inside and out, and you will find someone who trully loves you and appreciated you for you and who doesnt make you feel like trash.....

I know that this hurt won't last forever. Who knows... 6 months down the road we could be back together or we could both be seeing other people. But It will ALWAYS hurt that I've lost my best friend. We have grown up together and it's sad to cry over those memories now... they were such a huge part of my life and I don't want to be sad about them.

There is just nothing else I can give and there is nothing else I want. I know it'll just take time and you're all so right... it just hurts.