Surviving Pet Loss
 

From this site: Surviving Pet Loss

SURVIVING PET LOSS

When you face that huge emptiness inside, it's tempting to just give yourself over to grief. At the same time, a certain amount of survival instinct reminds you that you still need to do something to keep going. But what? Grief makes it hard to think, to plan. What can you do to keep that hole from swallowing you?

1. Eat something. You may not feel hungry, but food is important. Grief burns a lot of energy; you need fuel. If you can't face a full meal, nibble. Eat NOW, whether you want to or not.

2. Cry. Cry as much as you want to, whenever you feel like it.

3. Find something to do. This may seem trite, but focusing on a task really does help. The more you do, the less you dwell...

4. Count your blessings. When you lose a loved one, it's hard to focus on anything positive. Remind yourself of some of the good things that you still have by deliberately reviewing a list of your "blessings" - such as your family, your remaining pets, your friends, your interests.

5. Reflect on things that don't involve your pet. The loss of your pet may seem to touch every aspect of your life, but in reality, it hasn't changed EVERYTHING. Reflect on things that have not changed -- the things that you did and enjoyed without your pet.

6. Cuddle something furry. If you have another pet, give it some extra cuddle time - even though part of your mind is thinking that this isn't the pet you WANT to cuddle. It's still warm, and furry, and may be very confused and concerned right now. If you don't have another pet, consider cuddling a stuffed animal. Spouses are nice, but you need fur. It sounds strange but at least try it.

7. Avoid irrevocable decisions. Don't do anything you can't undo. For example, if you can't stand the sight of your pet's toys, don't throw them away - put them in a box out of sight.

8. Replace negative imagery. The last moments of your pet's life can become a powerful image, whether you witnessed them or not. If you believe that pets go on to an afterlife, for example, try replacing the image of the "last" moment of your pet's life with the "next" moment: The moment it arrives, healthy and whole, on the other side. If you don't believe in an afterlife, concentrate on the special things you did for your pet to make THIS life a blessing for it.

9. Be honest with yourself. You've been wounded, and you hurt. You're not weak, crazy, or overly sentimental to feel this way. You WILL hurt, and it will take time to heal.

10. Make a decision to work through grief. For some people grief has persisted for years: They are just as upset, just as angry, just as miserable over their loss as they were the day it happened. Such people tend to be consumed with bitterness, obsessing over their loss - and not only do they suffer, but they also bring suffering to everyone around them. You can't control whether or not you grieve. But you can decide whether or not to let that grief control YOU.

Lastly, be sad for those who lives will never be touched by such a wonderful creature. They may never know this feeling. You may not feel like it now, but it is a blessing and you have gained spiritually from it.
Cherish the memories with a warm smile. Smile because you know that pets always feel what you do...make them happy to know you are well.

Grief upon the loss of a pet is a normal response, and a very individual one. For some people, grieving for a pet who has died may be an even more difficult process than grieving for a human loved one. One reason is that the support network of understanding and caring people may be smaller. If a person has lost a human loved one, the friends, family, co-workers, etc., will all be understanding. They may send cards, flowers, and offer food and companionship. This is often not the case when a pet dies.

The death of a pet is difficult enough to bear; in some cases, the whereabouts or cause of death of the pet is unknown. The pet may have run away or been stolen, or, the owner may have needed to surrender the pet to a humane shelter. In these situations, there is seldom any 'closure.' The owner does not know when or if the pet has died, or if lost, whether the pet will ever come back. As a result, when to stop searching and when to start the grieving process are unsure. There may also be additional guilt associated with this type of loss.

Doing something positive during this time of sadness may help the grieving process by celebrating the life of the pet. Activities which may help include:

* Planting flowers or a tree in memory of the pet
* Making a charitable donation or volunteering your time at a local shelter
* Holding a funeral or memorial service
* Placing your pet's nametag on your key ring
* Creating a memorial photo album or scrap book
* Framing a photograph

Do Animals Grieve?

We all know of animals who have stopped eating, playing, or interacting when another pet in the household has died. They are experiencing a loss of their own; plus they often sense the owner's sorrow as well. After a pet dies, we can help the other pets in the household by keeping their routines as unchanged as possible. Increasing their activity through going for walks or playing with toys may be helpful. This will not only benefit your pet, but help you too. If they are acting depressed or are not eating, be careful not to reinforce or reward their behavior. Giving them extra attention or different food when they behave this way may actually cause them to start using those behaviors as ways to obtain more attention or get special treats.


After All, He was Only a Pet?

The death of a pet is never an easy time. Whether it is an older animal, who may have been a part of the family longer than most of the furniture and some of the children, or a pet who has been with you for only a few years, the loss can be truly traumatic. And if the end comes through a conscious decision for euthanasia, other emotions become entangled with the basic sense of loss. Once it's over, you may prefer to think that the experience is behind you. Unfortunately, it is not.

There will be a hole in your household and in your life for a while, and for the first part of that "while" the hole may seem huge. There ARE ways to fill the gap. However, the loss itself is not something you can simply ignore, assuming that your world will adjust itself. Instead, you must deal with that something, just as you would deal with the loss of any other good friend. Yes, it is a different kind of relationship, but to behave otherwise is to try and change your attitude in mid-stride. You cannot expect yourself to think of your pet as a friend and then to dismiss those feelings as disposable because THIS friend happened to be an animal. It is NOT silly to miss your pet, and it is NOT overly sentimental to grieve.

Another difference lies in the always complicated idea of "what happens next". Many people, especially older folks, express a very real concern that they won't see their animals in the next life (whatever that may be) because they have been told that animals have no souls. Maybe you, like me, are a little unsure about what exactly " the next life" holds for any of us. However, if having a soul means being able to feel love and trust and gratitude, then aren't some animals better equipped than a lot of humans?

But still, he was pet and not a person, and that makes it more complicated to sort out exactly what you are supposed to do and feel. Although we recognize the individual personalities in pets, that doesn't mean that they are just little people. The relationship you have with your pet is different from any human relationship you may have. We have the responsibility to care for animals and to learn from them. As we domesticated pets, they became dependent upon us for their needs. Part of caring for them, especially in a technologically advanced society, often means deciding when an animal can no longer live a happy life or even a content one.

When an animal is made a pet by a responsible, caring person, he is being given exactly what he needs and wants: his "creature comforts", companionship, and the opportunity to return the favor through loyalty and affection. Dogs, especially, are naturally eager to please the "leader of the pack", and the owner takes on that role. So the dog is never happier than when he knows that he is pleasing that person. When he is too old or too sick to respond in the way HE thinks he should, he can't understand why and feels the anxiety of failure.

Because their natural life-spans are shorter than ours, we usually outlive our pets. However, the life you shared cannot simply be abandoned. Don't deny yourself the thoughts, memories, and feelings that your pet's life deserves. You may decide to fill the hole with another pet. However, you can never replace the special bond you held with the one who is gone.

What do I do with my pet's ashes?

Most pet crematories take every precaution to ensure that the cremains you receive back are from your pet. Amounts, color and consistency will vary as there are differences in the type of equipment and methods available.

Cremains are considered to be the earth part of the spirit. It is what belongs in the physical world. Keeping the cremains is a means of keeping the memory as physical as possible while the spirit is free hence the reason for keeping ashes in an urn.

There are indeed many other options for what one can do with ashes from a beloved pet:

Spread them in a favorite spot in the yard.

Bury them with a memorial tree (well diluted with topsoil as ash is very alkaline and has a high salt content.)

Set them free on a bridge over a favorite river or pier at a beach.

Separate small amounts and gift them in keepsakes or jewelry to family members.

Store them to be buried or re-cremated with the owner.

Hold them for dispersal until you feel ready.

Mix them with cement and make something which will last several hundred years.

Adhesed cremains: put a drop of white glue onto a suitable surface of a locket and then add a small amount of cremains. Stir with a small wood stick and let dry. A dusting of cremains is where cremains are put over the drop of white glue and the excess shaken off back into the urn. These techniques are similar to what is done on certain Saint and relic pieces. A photo may be placed either opposite or over the mixed wet adhesed cremins as it will still retain the glue properties.

At one time similar jewelry was considered very apropos especially during the Victorian era. Lockets and brooches were usually worn under the clothing and often held painted miniatures as well as locks of hair or even bone or ash. Keepsake type pendants are all descendent of relic type pieces which were especially popular during the middle ages but used in various forms since time immemorial. Keepsakes are a physical link to a memory that holds forever.

Types of cremation services:

Communal cremation is when multiple pets are simultaneously cremated and their ashes disposed of on private cemetery grounds or taken to a local landfill. Some services offer burial at sea for no additional charge.

A private cremation is when 2, 3, or maybe 4 pets are cremated at the same time, but are physically separated by space or cremation bricks. The pets ashes are then removed from the crematory in reverse order to retain the integrity of the private cremation. The cremains are then generally processed in a commercial blender to attain a fine ash consistency and eliminate visible bone fragments. Private cremations reduce the cost associated with “Individual” cremations described below.

Individual cremation is one pet in one cremation unit at a time. Pure and simple, it is what most pet owners expect. Be sure to ask your provider for what type of service you are receiving. You deserve to know how your pet’s cremation will be performed before the decision is made.

How Will I Know When It's Time?

Knowing that it is time is based on several notions:

1) What do others say - friends are all too often the first to say its time let go - but do they really know your pet? What does your veterinarian say? Sometimes it is important for you to remove yourself from the situation and look at it from the outside - friends and the Vet can help you do that.

2) In many cases a pet is suffering if it can not keep up with the usual family activities. They watch you come and go with an ache in their heart that says, "I wish I can go with you but I can't - it is just too painful or I am too weak". You will feel guilty when you leave, but are you leaving an animal to suffer?

3) Try to compare the healthy individual to the current individual. What behavior is different and why is it different?

4) Are you getting frustrated with the care of your pet - does your pet cower or act as though it did something wrong when you clean or medicate him? Do you think this care is a burden and that it causes you stress? Just know that your pet is very aware of all of your emotions.

5) A pet will thank you for needed care with a lick or a tail wag - how does your pet react?

6) It is a rare dog or cat that actually lives to the point of senility - where they circle restlessly and then stand with their head in a corner or get stuck somewhere between furniture. A pet that is "no longer there" or exhibiting in and out consciousness and wandering or staring blankly is a much more comfortable decision of euthanasia than having to euthanize a pet that is fully aware. However - this wandering is often an attempt of a pet to hide from or somehow escape from intractable, intense and inescapable...pain. They simply cannot get comfortable lying there so they wander. That is a horrible realization that only few have true empathy for. Is your pet painful?

7) There is a worse grief that occurs long afterwards in cases where a pet is allowed to go for too long - it is a realization a month or so afterwards that you let it go too far. You are then forever burdened with that realization. Whenever you remember that pet or view an old photo - your heart will sink with not just sadness but also with the guilt that you might have let a pet suffer for your own sake. Try to imagine if you will feel this guilt afterwards.

Euthanasia is a mature responsibility. It is a loving gift and a noble sacrifice. When you love a thing - let it go. Do not try to control what is not yours to control. Freedom is the goal and nature is the most free of all but it is also the most cruel. Make a decision based on your unbiased sense of compassion and empathy - ignore anything selfish or you might regret it later. You will never be better off without your beloved pet, but will your pet be? JCC,DVM

Should I get another pet?

When or if you should get another pet varies with the individual and the choice is a personal one. Some people may want to find a new pet almost immediately. Sometimes, they may have unrealistic expectations of the new pet, especially if they are getting a young, rambunctious animal after an older, mature one has died. Others need longer to work through their grief before they are physically and emotionally ready for another pet. In either case, we all know you are not replacing your pet, but finding another animal with whom you can share life. Some people may find it is just not possible for them to have another pet. You need to do what is right for you.

In general, you should give children some time before getting another pet. Getting a pet too soon may cause the child to feel guilty or disloyal, and they may have difficulty bonding to the new pet. The child may also think that if something happened to them, they would soon be forgotten and a substitute would be found. They need to understand that friendships cannot immediately be replaced.

People who have a pet who has died need to talk to someone. Often, family members and friends are very supportive, but in some instances, they may not understand how important your pet was to you. It is important to find someone who does understand.

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Pet Loss Support Hotline -(800) 565-1526

The compassionate people who staff the Pet Loss Support Hotline understand the emotional attachment people can form with animals of any kind. When a beloved animal dies, is in failing health, is stolen, or must be placed in a new home, the end of a relationship with a special animal can be one of the most difficult times of your life.

We are available simply to listen, to help you sort through emotions or questions you may have, or to help you find support in your geographical area. We also have supportive materials we can send to you, free of charge.
Hotline toll-free phone number:

Tel (800) 565-1526
Hours: 6:30 to 9:30 p.m. PST
Monday through Friday

UC Davis Center for Companion Animal Health

Note: Summer/holiday hours may vary

Thank you Ann - you are a true friend to humans and animals.

Thank you Wylie's Mom.. I needed to read this. There has been alot of pet loss recently to YT and the support from all of you is amazing. My thanks to you all.

I am so glad I took a look at this, I really neede to read this, it touches on a lot of things that were on my mind. I like the idea of planting something in our pets memory, this is what I have wanted to do for my little Jeter. Thanks so much for posting this!!

Thank you Ann for posting that information.
It was very informative and I am sure will be of great help
and comfort, if and when needed.

Thanks Ann, this is great advice.

Thank you, Ann.

Great thread, thank you for taking the time to post all this valuable info~

Thanks to Nancy too...we sort of found this together bc we were searching for some info and sharing links; she had the great idea of a pet loss sticky.

Great post by two great woman! :)
Hopefully, I will never have to use this sticky but realistically...I know some day I will.
It will be comforting to know that there is something here for me.
Thanks ladies!

What a wonderful thread. Thanks so much for the thoughtfulness that went into creating it. :animal-pa