Jokes of the day!
 

Defense Attorney:
>
>
>Will you please state your age?
>Little Old Lady:
>I am 86 years old.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
>spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat

>down beside me.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Did you know him?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>No, but he sure was friendly.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>What happened after he sat down?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>He started to rub my thigh.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Did you stop him?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>No, I didn't stop him.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Why not?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
ago.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>What happened next?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>He began to rub my breasts.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Did you stop him then?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>No, I did not stop him.
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Why not?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
>good in years!
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>What happened next?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
>him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
>
>
>Defense Attorney:
>Did he take you?
>
>
>Little Old Lady:
>Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Another one
 

A Very Fast drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.

" The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next,

then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

lol, those are funny :)

I don't see anyone pulling #1 off :D

i know right lol

MAXINE'S LIVING WILL

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day