Tell me what you would do....
 

ok yesterday i was in a wellness committee meeting. i am on a few committees at work and try to be involved and as positive of a leader as i can possibly be. i have been here less than a year. i do not have a lot of friends and really thats not important here but my point is i try to keep work work and not be friends with the people i work with to a certian extent. so anyway were in the meeting and a i was referring to how i need at least 8 hours of sleep but used the my Nana as an example as she only needed 5 hours of sleep a night. she died last winter at 89 years old and it was very hard for me becuase she was so important to me and i loved and still love her dearly. anyway a co-worker says well maybe she was doing crack....i felt i had to defend my deceased Nana. this women does not know me very well and shes knows i just lost my Nana. i found this very offensive and tried not to overeact and let it go during the meeting. everyone in the room took it as a joke but i was very upset and it sat with me all night and this morning i was more pissed than anything. first i think she was completely outta line. i would not refer to anything like that unless i was very good friends with someone and still i dont think i would say such a thing in a work environment no matter how comfortable i was with them. am i wrong to be pissed. i have emailed HR and told her i will no longer be participating on two committees in which this person is on. i just dont feel it is worth my energy to put myself around persons whom feel it is ok to act like this when you are an example for others. i feel it is wrong that the persons in charge and hr who were both in this meeting feel that is type of behavior is ok. to me this is not something you say about a persons Nana, even as a joke. to me it felt more like a stab and im very offended..am i the only one?? am i completely wrong on this?

I would be very offended! That was out of line and in very bad taste!!!! I would have to say something. I mean, there are jokes, but that is not a joke. That was rude and uncalled for! I would talk to the head people at that committee and let them know that type of behavior was unprofessional, unacceptable, and they need to think twice before making jokes like that...or what they call a joke. I do not find it funny at all. I would be very upset, but now I do tend to get upset about anytime someone makes a comment about a close loved one.

I don't think that was funny at all. It was very insensitive. I would avoid her whenever possible. People like that are toxic and who needs that!

Wow, I cannot believe she said that. I could see joking if you were really close with someone and knew they were not still healing from their loss. It's good that you contacted HR. Hopefully she will be talked to and won't do it again...

I agree with the others, sorry that you have to deal with issues like this.

No, what your co worker said is rude. I would have blew up, like that is not funny at all. I would just ignore people like that.

Oh I am so sorry this happened to you. It is bad enough that you've lost your beloved Nana, but to have to put up with moronic comments just bends the wicket. I can think of no reason whatsoever to say such a thing under any condition. Since the topic was regarding the number of hours of sleep different people might need...you 8, and your Nana 5 (and "need, for me, would be 4 uninterrupted hours...but it took me a second to realize what was meant by "crack"...lol)...the comment was, IMO, rude, coarse, off-topic, and ludacris. Seems to me that often those who think of things like "crack" might be pretty close to the subjects since it is the first thing that comes to their mind. I do believe I would also cease to participate on committees with her and would keep all communication with her completely professional 'cut-and-dried' from this point on...I am not all that trusting. lol I also completely agree with not blending work relationships into friendly socializations...leads to big problems much of the time. I hope things work out better from now on for you at your new job. {{{Hugs}}}

Crass, stupid thing to say especially since most know that older people do not sleep as long at night as younger people - it's just a fact of life. I would be hurt, too, and would sit down with her & tell her to her face what you thought about the remark & how it hurt & "made fun" of your beloved Nana. Hopefully, she will come to understand that words are powerful & often very hurtful when "funny" quips are thoughtlessly doled out & learn a valuable life lesson.

thank you everyone. i got a response from hr and she basically said she took it as a joke was very sorry i was offended....really?!!? ur hr. that is unacceptable. she values my imput and would like to discuss it with me in person on monday. im still not staying on the committees and as adviced above i will stay away from this toxic arse who feels the need to bring people down in order to make others chuckle. i mean say all the jokes you want about me but leave my Nana or family out of it. at least i dont feel so crazy now as everyone around work obviously thinks that behavior is ok. thank you again everyone for the nice comments and for validating that my feelings matter to when someone crosses the line.

that was definitely not acceptable to say. In this opinion driven society alot of people will say whatever comes in their head without consideration for the other person but when they are out olf line they need to be called on it

On the other side of the coin, while it might not be the best joke, I really think when someone says, they were doing crack in reference to a woman of 89 they or no one else would even think it was meant seriously. Work environments each have their own culture and not knowing yours it is hard to comment. But most people like working with people they feel at ease with and not have to worry about every little thing they say. Do you know the person that said this, are they normally insensitive, if so that is one thing, but if they are the type of person that makes jokes easily and people seem to like them you could wind up being the one that looks bad and can't take a joke. Office environments are tricky and it is hard to know when to take a stand and when not to, but refusing to go to meetings could lead to trouble for you down the road. I am sort of a hyper person, but not some one would would ever do drugs let alone crack, I believe on more than one occasion someone might have said kidding, are you on crack, or speed, but to me it would be such a ludicrous statement I would only laugh. Honestly I can tell how much your grandmother meant and still means to you but I think people laughed because of the outrageousness of the statement.

I don't know what company you work for but I would think HR better be careful.. people have been sued for less. Now, I am NOT saying you should sue but there is a problem that HR would defend the person making such a crude comment. I am shocked to be honest!!

I would say you should talk to the person who made the comment. I not sure if I would (I am very unconfrontational), but looking from the outside in it could clear the air. I don't think you should change your life style and stay away from what you like to do because of a "bad apple".

Maybe she just doen't know better.. I have heard jokes about people "being on crack" but it was a negative comment about someone who does or thinks something way out of the norm.. this lady is just plain stupid...imo

honestly this woman is not nice. i have heard several people state she will rip you to shreds..which is why i did not want to confront her. you cant fix that. i only asked to be taken off the commitees and to let it lie. i do not want to stir the pot shes been here for years, although i am the assistant to the gm most people kiss is arse if you will and he really has no idea how cruel some of his employees can be. it was not seen as harmful by anyone in the meeting so they will not know the reason for my not being the on committees any longer. if it hurts me in the end well thats a reflection of management and hr here not me. my only intention is to do the best job i can and be a positive roll model i dont have time for the jealousy or games. btw her husband is the new head of the safety committee and needs to come to my office once a month to put the agenda together yada yada. so in the back of my mind i wonder if that is the real problem she has with me and made a dig. either way im done and if my boss has an issue then i will suck it up and remain on the committees otherwise im done.

if you are the assistant to the GM was he or she at the meeting, if not I would mention and get his take on it

he was not there and i already know his response will be she didnt mean anything by it. hes very passive and as i said does not always see those for who they really are or what there intention may have been. i prefer to just leave it be and move on. that may not be the smartest choice but he does not like confrontation. her boss (the one who made the statement yesterday) once said in a meeting full of all directors and managers that all i do is take minutes anyway. i told my boss i was offended by that i work hard and his response was she doesnt have a mean bone in her body..i beg to differ. the executive assistant before me literally did nothing all day so guess who is the same...me but not really. im not that way at all and everyone knew it. i even offer to help different departments to stay busy and be productive and try to be an assest to the company. its not my fault he doesnt give me work to fill up every work day and hes well aware because i have told him several times i need more to stay busy. but i offer my assistance to anyone in need because well im here to help and get paid to work.

k im sorry going on and divulging more information than intended. im not trying to come off as a sob story or what not its just hard to understand unless you are here. every work environment is different and im just trying to be a good employee and do a good job and stay afloat in the shark tank.

Ummm... How intelligent is this woman? Does she usually make quips, the office bon vivant? Where I am going with my ruminations is/was this some sort of deliberate ploy or play, to create a situation of difficulty for you? If you believe this to be true, then carefully weigh your decisions. IN my experience which at one time was a lot in the business world, this kind of comment would never have been expressed in a "formal" business meeting. How-ever this was years ago, and mayhap office policy etc has changed.

Now you've already approached HR, they have given you a response, and you are to meet on the Monday. Think carefully on how and what you want to say. In fact script it out. I'm not saying to be untruthful, but to present the truth in as clear and factual a manner as possible. You already know HR thinks it was a joke and on the outside looking in, I certainly can see how this could be so. How-ever in your explanation of the sequencing of events; and I am assuming you expressed aloud in the meeting that your Nana died in the winter, you were very close etc; that if indeed expressed to the group at large, should have indicated her death is one that you are still mourning. And given that understanding, any jokes on her behaviour or heaven forfend her death, would have been incredibly offensive.

You do know exactly what transpired at that meeting. We don't.

My point is to tread carefully, most especially if you think this trouble maker has a specific agenda against you.

You may need to re-think resigning from both committees. There maybe good, practical value for your career to continue to be a member of one or both.

The minute taker, is actually a very powerful, behind the scenes influencer. You have the responsibility to record the meeting. The words you chose to use, the punctuations, can slant everyone's contribution in meaningful ways.

IMHO...regardless of the woman's intent, or how anyone other than you took it (joke), if you mentioned that your late Nana only needed 5 hours of sleep before this woman commented, it seems to me to be extremely disrespectful of someone completely unable to self-defend...besides being hurtful to you because you've recently lost your beloved Nana...which you know would NEVER have done crack (I assume...mine would not have either, but where I am, they bust 'granny/grampy labs' with relative frequency, sad as that sounds).

That this woman appears to have no inkling that different people need different amounts of sleep WITHOUT BEING ON CRACK puts not only her manners and dignity on display but shows her intelligence...or lack thereof...as well. Since you've already talked to HR, and she's been there a while and everyone knows her, word will probably trickle back to her anyway, even if you can get HR to leave it be and just dis-associate yourself from her. I would do my best to stay 'politely aloof' from her myself just because I would not want to 'feed her machine'...lol

DBlain's observations may be spot on as to why the comment was taken as a joke...outrageousness, etc. by the rest of the group, but IMHO, if everyone knew your Nana had recently passed, I'd consider them 'insensitive' and disrespectful as well. It would 'feel' different to me if everyone there knew your Nana was a sweet sensitive straight lady who'd never consider doing drugs and still alive WHEN the comment was made, but the context under which it occurred feels really 'inappropriate' to me.

I hope it gets resolved and you have no more issues of this nature.

thank you so much everyone for all the advice and letting me vent. i feel like i should just let it go and sit on the opposite side of the room from this person. i have to be me but also i have to conform the reality of the shark tank. i appreciate being able to have different perspectives and im glad that im not crazy to think it was outta line. something to help me remember how easy a persons feelings can be hurt. thanks again have a fab weekend. xo

I don't think anyone should ever use someone loved ones who has passed to make a joke. if I had been you she'd probably still be picking her teeth off the floor

Actually, I think the lady was totally out of line. However, Monday when you go into HR make certain to have a calm voice and a fact sheet. Be
more professionable than the lady who slammed your Gma.
Seems we all work with someone like her.

Well that was rude and un called for people have no empathy anymore or well somepeople

I am very sorry....NO one in my family is to be used as a joke or for the amusement of a crowd. You can laugh at me and make all the stupid, crass, rude, crude, idiotic comments you want, but you leave my family off your "List of Comical Things To Laugh About', especially my deceased family members. You will get on the fighting side of me in a real big hurry. What this person said was in NO way, humorous. If you speak to her on Monday, I would look her dead in the eyes, and I would tell her, "I have NO intention discussing your rude, crass, insensitive comment you made regarding my beloved, deceased grandmother. I will tell you this....my family members are NOT a topic for comical relief to be used by ANYONE in this office, for any reason. Do not ever go there again, for any reason. PERIOD!" I would turn on my heels and walk away. Do not even dignify her immature, unprofessional, insensitive, STUPID effort at creating a joke, at your deceased grandmother's expense, with a discussion of her merrits for doing so.

I would have been offended as well. I totally understand your sensitivity to this remark. It seems there are more and more people out there today who lack the necessary manners to understand when and when not to joke about certain subjects.

I agree. That was uncalled for. I would have lost it.

OMG what was she thinking ? It was in bad taste or just because of stupidity. What she said was just mean and a sick attempt to draw attention to herself. People laughed, because we often do that in uncomfortable situations. I feel bad that this happened. I would stay away from her too. If you need to, go ahead and confront her with something truthful but, non threating like, 'what you said about my beloved Nana offended me, I don't respect or like you, please stay away from me from now on.'

1- I also would be offended 2- I would not let anyone run me from anything because they say dumb things. Go back to you committee.