[JPop & Taz 2]

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
>>>women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
>>>you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
>>>Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
>>>leaving the stall.
>>>
>>>You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
>>>been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
>>>modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
>>>empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but
>>>there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
>>>(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
>>>down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
>>>
>>>In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
>>>You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
>>>seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
>>>
>>>To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
>>>discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
>>>hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
>>>seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake
>>>more.
>>>
>>>You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
>>>one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
>>>that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the
>>>same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
>>>possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
>>>
>>>Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
>>>hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
>>>chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
>>>toilet.
>>>
>>>"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
>>>precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
>>>footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
>>>
>>>It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
>>>late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
>>>life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper
>>>- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know
>>>that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're
>>>certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
>>>frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could
>>>get."
>>>
>>>By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
>>>confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
>>>against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
>>>covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
>>>
>>>The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
>>>onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
>>>
>>>At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
>>>wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper
>>>you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
>>>sinks.
>>>
>>>You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
>>>sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
>>>past the line of women still waiting.
>>>
>>>You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
>>>very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
>>>your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
>>>your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you
>>>just might need this."
>>>
>>>As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
>>>left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
>>>why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
>>>
>>>This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms
>>>(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
>>>what really does take us so long.
>>>
>>>It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go
>>>to the restroom in pairs.
>>>
>>>It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand
>>>you Kleenex under the door!
>>>
>>>
>>>