Application for University of Alabama Pulp-Truck Alumni Association
We have all encountered the many individuals throughout the great state of Alabama who consider themselves die-hard Alabama fans despite the fact that, not only have they never enrolled in classes there, they probably couldn't even find "Tuscaloser." These misguided individuals, known as "Pulpwood Alumni," are under the impression that Alabama the school, and Alabama the state, are the same thing. Of course the University of Alabama welcomes them with open arms, since, after all, they tend to mirror the student body itself.
But, fair is fair, and these fans must be subject to the same stringent academic standards as all other UA students, so the University of Alabama has implemented the following application in an effort to weed out those individuals who are not exceptionally qualified to wear the cherished "Crimson and Polyester."
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APPLICATION FOR UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA PULP-TRUCK ALUMNI ASSOCIATION
Name: _____________________________
Nickname: _________________________
CB Handle: ________________________
Address: (RFD #): _________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects): ________________
Mamma: ______________________
Neck Shade: __Light Red __Medium Red __Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:___ Lower:___
Name of pickup owned: ____________ Height of truck: ______
Truck equipped with:
__Gun Rack __4-Wheel Drive __Big Dog
__Cassette Deck __8-Track Tape __Load of Wood
__Hijacker Shocks __Radar Detector __Mag Wheels
__Dual CB Antennas __Spittoon (this category includes old
Red White and Blue beer cans)
__Camper Top __Air Horns __Mud Flaps
__Toothpick Holder __Mud-Grip Tires __Raccoon Hide
__Sheepskin Seat Covers
Number of empty beer cans in pickup bed: ____
Depth of permanent mud on sides of pickup: ____
Bumper stickers on truck:
__"Eat more Possum"
__"My other car is a piece of junk, too"
__"Honk if you love Jesus"
__"If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'"
__"Jesse Helms for President"
__"Redman Chewing Tobacco"
__"The day they take my gun away is the day they pry it from
my cold dead fingers"
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits
2. Goobers (either the nut or the TV character)
3. Pintos (either the bean or the car)
4. Collards
5. Sidemeat
6. Sawmill Gravy
7. Turnip Salad
8. Redeye Gravy
9. Soppin' Syrup
10. Poke
11. Cobbler
12. Fatback
13. Tote
14. Chickin' Fry
15. Chitlins
16. Tater
17. Pig Skins
18. Cheetah (either the animal or the Alabama football program)
19. Okrie
20. "Shonuf"
Favorite Vocalist:
__Reba __Dolly __Conway __Loretta __Porter __Hank, Sr.
__Hank, Jr. __Willie Nelson __Ray Wylie Hubbard __Randy Travis
__Tammy Wynette __Slim Whitman __George Jones __Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
__Square Dancin ' __Possum Huntin' __Skinny Dippin'
__Craw Daddin' __Gospel Singin' __4-Wheelin'
__Drankin' __Spittin' Backy __Bull Chip Throwin'
__Honky Tonkin' __Noodlin' __Otherin'
Name of son(s):
__Jim Bob __Billy Bob __Bob Bob __LeeRoy __J.D. __Bubba
Name of Daughter(s):
__Pammy Sue __Violet __Paulette __Dolly __Daisy __Bubba
Weapons Owned:
__Deer Rifle __Sawed-off Shotgun __Varmint Rifle
__Tire Iron __Chain Saw __Motorcycle Chain
__Pick Handle __Hick'ry Switch __Rotwieler
__Broken Beer Bottle (long neck)
Number of Dogs: ___
Type of Dog(s): __Blue Tick __Beagle __Black & Tan __Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:
__John Deere __McCulloch Chain Saws __Bud
__VA-Tech __Skoal __Coors
__NAPA __Dale Earnhardt #3 __Richard Petty #43
__Hooters Restaurants - "More than a mouthful"
__"Smile if you're not wearin' underwear"
__"Keep the South beautiful -- Put a Yankee on a bus"
Number of Dependents: Legal:____ Claimed:____
Number of weeks unemployed:____ (if you can't count that high,
use number of years)
Number of Welfare checks received:____
Memberships:
__NRA __Moose __PTL Club __700 Club
__AAA __AA __Bass __Bill Dance Fan Club
__John Birch Society __any militia group
Length of: Right Leg:____ Left Leg:____
Does your truck contain some part painted the official alumni
association color of primer red? __Yes __No (Check only one)
How many vehicles do you have up on blocks in your front yard? ___
How many kitchen appliances do you have (or are you willing to have)
on your front porch? ___
Do you ever plan to install indoor plumbing in your house (or do you
see this as an unnecessary luxury)? ___Yes ___No
Will you (or do you now) wear mostly double-knit polyester pants
with snags? ___Yes ___No
Do you own shoes? ___Yes ___No If yes, how many (odd number
OK)? ___
Are you married to any of the following:
___Sister ___Cousin ___Sow
What is her name (if known)? ________________ (You may write an "X",
if that's how she signs her name)
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup truck? ___Yes ___No
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
___Yes ___No ___Not Sure
Can you count past ten without removing your shoes (assuming you're
wearing shoes)? ___Yes ___No ___Ten is too high
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
___Yes ___No If yes, list it:____________
Have you ever had more than one bath per week? ___Yes ___No
If yes, what was the occasion? _______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
__B.O. __Head Lice __Rabies __Trench Mouth __Runny Nose
__Bad Breath __Teeth
------------------------- End of Application --------------------------
Note that if your application is turned down by the University of Alabama,
you may be eligible to apply to the University of Arkansas, as their
standards are slightly lower. However, you would still be eligible to
visit Tuscaloosa (if you can find it).
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