Tammy, Are you doing better now? I can only imagine the horror of what you went through. Please, seek a grief counsler if things do not improve for you soon. I hope and pray you are doing okay as what you went through is very traumatic.
I think I can speak for the majority of us here in this forum when I say that noone would think ill of you for what happened. I feel your pain and understand that this grieving process takes time. I send many hugs and prayers your way...