[mikey]

i want all of you to know how much i appreciate your support. it's not terribly hard to overlook those rednecks, but still, in the back of my mind there is that constant feeling that maybe they are right. maybe i am a freak. maybe being gay really is as disgusting as they think.

i know this isnt really the place to talk about this but.. i dunno. i wish i was straight. i would give anything to have had a more normal life and not had this burden of being "different."

but honestly, i've tried to be with girls. i tried SO HARD because i know the consequences of ending up with a male. i know how dissapointed my family will be. and "dissapointed" is an understatement. i wont have a wedding with my family. my love wont be celebrated or even aknowledged by my own family. that's a hard pill to swallow.

through all the trying and forcing myself to feel feelings for females, i realized that i'm denying who i am, what i am. i cant spend the rest of my life trying to appease everyone else. it wouldnt be fair to the girl or to me. and if anyone chooses to have negative feelings towards me for being honest about who i am, then so be it. i'm just being honest.

females can not fullfill me emotionally or sexually. i dont know why. i just know that this is how it is. it's not a choice i made, it's something in my skin, in my blood, it is in my body..

it's hard to hear people say that they dont agree with it, because it's hard to hear that someone does not agree with what feels so natural to me. but i do understand that people have their own opinions and i can accept that. and i truly appreciate people respecting my right to my own opinions.

my last relationship lasted for almost two years. i was very much in love and i thought that we would last and that love would be enough to make it. but it's not. things were hard and trying and.. sigh.. there's a lot of details, but.. he, in january, killed himself. and no one in my family knew. and it's so hard not being able to have my parents know why i barely left my room until march.

i dont know why i'm rambling and telling all this. i guess i just needed to vent. blah.

i'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me. please dont. i'm handling things. i'll be ok, i think. i just said all that to say that being gay doesnt mean you're a frou frou prissy drag queen who hooks up with random guys all the time. i'm not that. i'm nothing close. my relationships are just like anyone elses. we're just like everyone else.

thanks again for all the support and sorry for spilling a portion of my guts.