Courtney... I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am 30 years old. I was born with a large heart murmur (ASD). Dr.s didn't expect me to live but a few hours let alone many years. I was 18 when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter and the pregnancy about killed me. I had a c-section my heart stopped 3 times while on the table. However I made it and right after my Cardiologist wanted me to schedule heart surgery. Well at 18 with a new baby I was scared to death and just didn't go back to her. Then when my baby was 3 I had gotten pregnant. My husband and I were so excited. Then I went for my first visit and my OB told me to go straight to my Cardiologist's office. Scared to death I did. She then told me I had to terminate the pregnancy, or I would die. I wasn't afraid of dieing but I was concerned about my daughter. I asked what are the chances for the baby, and she told me about 15%. I left her office in tears and refused to even discuss termination. I went home and cuddle my daughter. She said mommy don't cry I will hold you. Of course I started crying even more and my baby asked me mommy are you sick? and she began to cry and said are you going to heaven? (now I swear nobody but my husband and I knew about this, and it was not mentioned from the time we left the Dr.s office)
At that very moment I knew that Stephanie was the far most important thing in my life and she needed me. As hard as it was I made the choice to terminate my pregnancy. Shortly after I got very sick and was on a couple of antibiotics but wasn't getting better. I met with my surgent on Mon. and had surgery that Thur. (at age 21) The murmur that started out the size of a quarter was then the size of a dollar bill.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done and though I still think about it. I do not regret my choice. I did get pregnant after my surgery and had another very healthy baby girl. I wanted to have more children but I was diagnosed with a unfamiliar case of RA/Rheumatoid Arteritis. I am on several meds and take a weekly shot. I was told 2 years ago that I should not have anymore children.
I don't beat myself up I am just thankful for what I have and I do believe everything happens for a reason. I still can't tell you why it happened the way it did, but I did quit my job and decided to be a stay at home mom. |