[matese]

I know exactly how you feel, I had to let my beautiful Matese go 2 years ago. She was 17 y/o, yes she was 95% blind and the same deaf, but she was healthy, good appetite, slept a lot, played when she was awake. Then one day she wouldn't eat, the 2nd day I got her to eat a tiny bit, then the diarrhea started. I took her to the vet,she was there for 7 days. Each day I visited her, I was getting positive reports she would be coming home. They had her on IV, she lost so much weight, she was a big girl,17 Lbs, every day she was thinner and thinner yet I was told she was improving. On the 7th day I got an early morning call from the tech, she said I have to come and say my good byes Matese had to be put down. I was in shock hearing those words, told the tech she had the wrong dog, said I've been getting positive reports she was coming home. I was numb, screaming and crying. I called a friend told them of the call, screaming I can not do this. Yes, I have had many babies that I had to part with, but Matese was the last of my pack and very very special, our bond was very strong. My friend had to drive me to the vet, I took her out to the car for private time , cuddled her, talked to her, I could see how much pain she was in. I knew I had to let her go. I held her tight against my chest and whispered in her ear she was a good girl and mama loved her while the tech injected her and ended her life. I was beyond devastated. For weeks I could not drive,my mind would go back to that call, to me holding her and her leaving me, I would start crying, I would pull off the road, get control over myself then have to come back home. At home I could hear her nails get caught in the carpet threads, I could hear her breathing when she slept, I would feel something brush against my legs. I cried all the time, the pain in my heart was over whelming, I truly thought I was going to have a heart attack. I swore no more dogs, I could never go through this ever again. My house was so empty.I have had these special little critters called yorkies in my life for 35 years, I didn't know if I could live without another, they say time heals all wounds and I wanted to take that time. For 3 weeks I was in a very dark place, all I did was cry, I kept hearing her breathing, walking, feeling a warmth against my legs. Then I got a cal my my vet, they had just rescued a 2.5 y/o little boy that was surrendered. My vet was having open adoption day in 5 days, when they bought this little boy in for check up she saw him and told the tech, this dog will not make it to adoption day, this is Joan's dog, get her on the phone. Matese had BIG German Shepard ears, and Cody had the same. My vet wanted me to come and see this dog, I gave her all the reasons why I could not / did not want another dog and never a male. She just kept pleading with me to "just come to see him". Out of respect to my vet of 20 + years and to appease her I went, knowing I would NEVER have a male dog due to their marking, I went "just to see him". When I went to the vet the next day, they had him in the lunch room, I sat and watched this little boy prance around greeting all the techs that entered the room. I felt such pity for this little 12 lb baby, who could give away such a precious soul away. The vet came in, picked him up and set him om my lap. As other techs that I have dealt with for years came in and saw this boy on my lap came over to me, hugging me, telling me, everyone that saw him said, this is Joan's dog. Well need I say I took him home, I knew I could give him a good, happy, loving forever home. Truly I did it more for the dog then me. Cody bonded with me immediately, I was scared to get to close to him, but he just melted my heart, who could discard this sweet little boy. Cody helped me heal the loss of my Matese, Cody made my house a home again. I love him with all my heart, but not a day goes by that I do not still cry for my Matese. She will be in my heart forever. Cody is my first boy, and my very special boy, I am blessed to him him in my life. So I know just how you feel on this approaching day. In the last 2 years on the day I had to let my sweet girl go, I do something special with Cody. We take a car ride to a park with trails not too far from where I live,and we walk the trails. This is my special way to honor my Matese, I know she would not want me to forever grieve her loss,and a special day for Cody. I cannot say I do not on cry this special day,but when I see my boy enjoying all the diff smells, the tears stop and my heart is filled with love watching my boy sniff every blade of grass, leaf, twigs and tree stumps. So you are not alone in your grief, there are many here on YT that have gone through over whelming loss of much loved babies.