Jodi I am so happy for you, sounds like everything worked out great and you were able to get so many questions answered and now have two families. Unfortunately your situation is nothing like ours, my niece will never find her birth family, she does not know this but she was left on the side of a road in a basket, her true birthday is not even known, she is a very pretty girl, (and now a sexy looking teen) boys like her but girls not to much because she is distant and hard to connect with, that came from her DNA and perhaps her first year in the orphanage who knows, not even professionals. Through the years she has received lots and lots of praise and compliments from the family. It's not us that make her feel different like I said earlier some kids are not bothered by it but some are. Being Asian with white parents is not the same as being blond if your siblings and parents have brown hair. And since you or I are not in that situation we can not really know how she is feeling. From an early age we have bent over backwards complimenting her appearance yet I know she is still insecure, but then again so many teens are anyway. She has been bugging my sister for years to have plastic surgery on her eyes so they are less squinty (her words), when she had her yearbook photos taken she picked the ones that she said made her eyes look less like slits. We really don't think much about her appearance it has never bothered my family and honestly we think she is very pretty, so it's not even like she is getting an unsaid vibe from us. My sister has tried to embrace her heritage she takes her to an Asian mentoring group, they stay in contact with families that all went together to China to adopt and they only go if my niece wants to go they try not force it on her. Most of my nieces issues are probably not even from being adopted or being Asian, but that just compounds it, either way we love her but it is still hard for us to feel connected, because she does not let us in. This thread has made me think a lot about my relationship and my parents relationship with my niece and quite honestly I am now not sure if we would feel any different if she was my sister's birth child, it's more about how distant and removed she is, how you never know what she is thinking, how no matter what you do she is never happy, never engaging, it's always been one sided it's always myself or my parents trying to interact with her and eventually one feels like giving up. I live in MI and they live in NY, we see each other about 5 times a year I always have high hopes for connecting with her, have always planned special stuff for visits and for some reason or the other it never winds up fun. I know you are all probably thinking it's my fault, that I don't try or I can't relate to kids but I spent over 4 years mentoring a girl through the youth assistance program in our town, both her and her friends LOL thought I was cool and fun, they could hardly wait to come over here. I got involved in her school and helped in the classroom, honestly the kids loved me and I had a ball doing it. Everywhere I have ever lived I have always connected with neighborhood kids, they would come over to play and have ice cream that is why most that have known me for a long time have been very surprised that I did not have any. When my niece would visit I would have sleepovers, craft parties, kool aide stands, I would seek out kids in the neighborhood to set up play dates because I felt it was easier for her to interact with me when other kids where around. However it would wind up with me interacting with the other kids and not that much with my niece, but then when we were alone there was not much interaction either. I say this because I don't want you to think I have always been a bitchy distant aunt just expecting my niece to bow down to me, however I always wanted to be a fun cool aunt, I really could not wait to be an aunt. When I knew the adoption was going thru I bought this HUGE teddy bear and wrote her a letter hoping she would treasure it later in life telling her how much she was wanted and loved already and that I would always be there for her. I flew to NY right after she got home to surprise my sister at a shower her friends were giving her and to meet my niece, I did not want to wait for the christening that was planned several months later, she is also my God Daughter. So anywho thanks for listening, I honestly don't think I can type anymore on the subject because it is emotional so I am not sure if I will post again, thanks for listening and thanks to those of you who have messaged me words of understanding and shared some similar situations. |