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Originally Posted by megansmomma  Correct, I am not totally aware of your situation or story. But I can see from your reply that you really and truly do not understand for on second what it is like to be an adopted child. I never said that this was an issue with your sister. IMO it's an issue with the rest of your family and their inability to be accepting of this poor child who has very real emotions regarding her adoption. Race has nothing to do with an adopted child feeling different. I look nothing like my sisters that I grew up with and my entire life or getting that shocked look when telling the 5' 6" blonde Lithuanian girls that were Homecoming Queens and all the boys were falling over and I was the 5' 11" chubby girls with the long dark curly hairs who at parties relative would try to guess my nationality. I didn't look anything like my adopted mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.....I NEVER had one single person that anyone said that I looked like.....obviously you having birth sister and I'm guessing here that you resemble your mom and your sister. It wasn't until I was a mom for the first time that I had someone finally "look" like me. My oldest son and believe me it was an amazing feeling to have people come up to me to tell e how much he looks like me. Then I had 2 more children and they looked like me too. So Yeah....I get it what if feels like to not know.
From the minute that I was brought home from the orphanage at 4 months old my parents told we every single day that I was special because I was very wanted and loved. They picked ME from all of the other babies. My cousins, grandmother and aunts and uncles wrapped my in love and acceptance. Even when I was an evil bitchy teenager I was told how special I was and embraced in their love. It didn't matter that I looked nothing like any other member of my family. I have 2 younger sister and we always had to explain how it was possible for my sister Jackie to be only 8 months younger that me. But it was never ever a big deal. I was ever ashamed that I was the adopted sister. We loved being the same age for a few months. When my sister Vickie turned 47 this year we were 47, 48, and 49 for a few short months. Then we are 47 and 49 and 49 for a few more until I turn 50 in December. We thought it was fantastic and everyone would be wondering how.....  |
It took me 47 years of looking and wondering where I was from, why I was given up, why I wasn't wanted and if there was someone out there someplace that looked like me. My adoption was a closed adoption through Catholic Charities. But I still looked and hope and prayed that I would some day be able to find my birth mom....."the princess living in a castle high on a hill". I was going to look for her until I found her. I would look for her all the time on the street, at the mall, in crowds just hoping to catch a glimpse of someone out there that even slightly resembled me.
On May 11, 2012 I received a copy of my original birth certificate from the state of IL department of records. It held the secrets to my birth story and after 10 minutes of online searching I located my birth mom. She wasn't a princess at all. Instead, she was a 70 yr old woman that was very confused from dementia living with her son and his wife. She was literally a mess. The emotions that have feel me since that first phone call are beyond words and I am so thankful every day that now I have an ENTIRE FAMILY that I can now finally say that I look like.....it might not be a big deal to others but it is a huge deal to me. Not only do I have a birth mother that people stop to tell me that I look exactly like but I have sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousin. I have a daughter that looks like the spitting image of her birth grandfather. It's even more than that because I like many of the same things as my birth mom. We have manorisms that are similar, we have the same favorite color, the same hand, fingers and toes.
All things that I never had before with anyone. It was a piece of me that was missing. It was a hole in my being that by finding her and seeing her for the first time was filled.
Also filling that hole are more siblings that I would like to claim, want or need. I went from being the oldest of 3 sisters to being the middle child.
I now have children with cousins that look like them. My kids never had anyone expect each other that they resembled. To them it was not a big deal but to me it is HUGE! My kids now have cousins on their mom's side that look like, think like and even like the same things without ever growing up with them. The family tree is more like a bad country song and by Bio dad was a busy, busy man.
As for the race (she's Asian and doesn't fit) when I was adopted Catholic Charities asked my parents that very specific question. Would it bother them or their families if I was a different nationality from their families. It never crossed their mind for one second that I was anything expect part of their family or that I didn't look like everyone else.
It's been 2 1/2 years since I found my birth mom. She is now living in a nursing home with dementia/Alzheimer's and cannot be alone any longer. I am her legal guardian because the kids that she kept (2 before me and 2 after me) were not willing or able to care for her properly. My adoptive mom was fully supportive of my search because she knew now much it meant to me. When I talked to her about becoming Ginger's guardian she not only fully supported me but she was understanding of my deep seeded need to help. I believe that God brought me into her life at the time because she needed me.
There have been some friends that ask why I would want to help someone that cast me off as a newborn baby. Why I would want to help her when she was never there for me growing up and left me to be raised by strangers. But I know that what she did for me was out of love. How could I not show her that love back now when she needed it most. Even thought at this point in her disease she is not capable of fully expressing her love for me I can see it in her eyes. In the way that she hangs on my every word and her smile when I sit with her to visit. The fact that she cannot remember what day, month or year it is, Who our president it, how old she is, where is even lives BUT she know my name. Not the same that she gave me the day I was handed to the Nuns but the name that I was given by my adopted family. She held her baby in her heart for 47 years Rita Jane. Yet she always tells the nurses at the HN that she's mine. This is my daughter Jodi. For that alone I love her and accept her for all that she is now and in the past. Even if she is not able to share that past with me now. I will be there for her to show her that love back when she needs it the most.
So, Donna I am sorry that you feel I'm being too harsh with you when it comes to your sister's daughter but even when I was a bitchy teenager and too hard to handle my mom never gave up on me. It just really rubs me the wrong when when you repeatedly refer to her an anything expect your niece. That alone tells me how alienated she must feel. Since finding Ginger I have gained 1 full sister, 2 full brothers, 1 1/2 sister, 1 adopted sister, 4 1/2 brothers. I've become an aunt to 15 nieces and nephews, great aunt 2 times going on 3 by the end of the month as well as been accepted by aunts and uncles (some who didn't even know I existed) into their lives. Plus of course my 2 sister that I grew up with, my mom and all of my aunts, uncles, cousins etc that I grew up with. Unfortunately, my dad passed away when I was a teenager and my birth father passed away in 2005 and I was never able to meet him.
Recently, I moved Ginger to a NH closer to me and my cousin is the beautician that comes weekly to do hair for the residents. She is always so sweet to Ginger when she goes for her weekly shampoo and style. The sweetest thing that she told Ginger was (big lump in throat just thinking about it) was
"thank you for giving us our Jodi". That is how you make a child feel like they belong.