Grieving is such a long hard journey, some days are a little better, then others are worse. It seems there is no right or wrong way to get through it, it is just a process to endure.
My moments of peace are often overcome with extreme sadness and frustration that I could not save her. It happened so fast, I heard her barking outside and went out to see what was up. Near the pool pump I saw a toad puffed up bigger than a baseball, then Meika ran out of the bushes and I saw the slime and foam on her mouth. I immediately knew what it was, and what to do; I grabbed her and hosed her mouth out. Then I brought her in the kitchen sink and washed her mouth and nose out even more, and called the emergency vet numbers. It was Sunday, all vets on my side of the island were closed and no one was near enough to come in, I had to drive her to the other side an hour away. I jumped in the car immediately. I was on the cell phone with 2 vets who said there was nothing else I could do except wash her mouth out and get her in to be flushed out with IV fluids.
My poor baby went limp and was struggling to breathe, I drove as fast as I could, and she died about 20 minutes into the trip. It happened so fast there was no way to save her. I brought her home wrapped in a blanket and held her for hours and sobbed, I just couldn't let her go. Monday I took her to be cremated, and will get her ashes back in 3-4 weeks.
I keep going over in my mind what could I have done different. I've spoken to 4 vets now, and they all say absolutely nothing. Small dogs don't stand a chance, and perhaps Meika's immune system was compromised because she was recently diagnosed with diabetes. She probably had the toad in her mouth and got a huge dose of the toxins.
I feel helpless to protect my other 3 pups who are only half the size of Meika. I can't let them out of my sight. I have a rash on my face where I must have gotten some of the toxic residue on me, even though I kept washing my hands. I have thoroughly cleaned sink, floors, car seat, and everything Meika might have touched, and threw away all towels and washcloths used. I have a crew of gardeners coming today to comb through all the bushes and yard to look for toads.
This is one of the hardest things I've experienced in my life.
I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to hear your words, I feel that I know each one of you, and that I am not alone, and that somehow I will get through this. One day at a time. I'm hanging on to my Tiki, Kayla and Karlee extra tight, as they are grieving too. You do the same with your pups because things can change in an instant.
I love you all, and am praying for peace to return to my heart and home. |