[PuppyQuestions]

I am so sorry I could not get to the computer to write you all yesterday. I was feeling the side effects of chemo - unfortunately, all too familiar to so many of us - and my now 'team' of doctors had to change my medication at home. I promise to update you daily/as frequently as possible, as just a mere token of my gratitude.

I also feel very guilty telling my story here, when I know there are so many things and situations worse than mine. I feel as though I am typing a bit too much about myself, and hope it is not being construed in any manner that devalues others; if so, please do let me know, and I will stop immediately. I have never been able to ask for help until it is absolute necessary, and I apologize, sincerely, if I have made anyone uncomfortable. I'm not sure if this is the case, as you all have been so loving and overwhelmingly gracious. However, I care more about people and pups than I do myself, and am overly sensitive to others' feelings, so I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overstepping any boundaries in any way, shape, or form, by sharing here.

The resources you all have provided me with, I had never knew or thought of. I just thought I should send Riley back to his breeder, which would crush my spirit and shatter my heart into millions of tiny pieces (I tremble as I think about not having my sweet, loving, little buddy beside me everyday. I have moved my mattress low to the ground, next to Riley, so he won't fall off and onto his knees, and use the extender claw (theporkieyorkie - I love this name by the way - thank you for suggesting this same device, and making me feel less alone knowing others have to use it too, everyday, to play with him). I believed doing this was the only responsible thing to do: my baby boy deserves all the happiness and love in the world, and more. As his Dad, I promised myself and him I would provide him with any and everything I could, and now that I see my body beginning to fail me, I never thought there were options that existed to help people who like me, never foresaw being in similar circumstances, stay together with their animals - to me, Riley is my family. I just retired from teaching HS Chemistry and Psychology in the Bronx, NY almost a year ago, where I loved my students - the kids I never had - so very much, and did everything in my power to help them, as I taught in what'd most people would consider a "rough area." (All my friends have moved away or untimely passed away, and I never stop mourning for them and praying for their families, and I have no family here, which I never thought was hard until things got hard now. I am grateful for my own life, and am fighting for me, my dear friends and family who are no longer with me, and now, for Riley, and for you all. I just don't want this little angel who has my entire heart, to have to see me change so radically from the person I was for the first three months of his life after coming home).

To add onto my interminable heap of guilt, he is just over seven months old, and to put him through this all so young, I feel as though I am scarring him for the rest of what I pray, will be a happy, healthy, joyful, long life. I never knew that there was a possibility that he could spend those years with me, with a broken body and a bleak prognosis, after digesting the information and the course of treatment the doctors have mapped out for me. I also know that soon, Riley will have to undergo surgery of his own: being neutered, and I want to be strong for him, just as he has for me every step of the way, and not leave him for a moment in his recovery (I try to internalize and mask my pain, but I know these amazing little ones feel it). I will never not have him neutered, although I have read much debate about this, but it is in my contract, which I take extremely seriously; I have spayed/neutered all of cats and pups since I was out on my own after college, so that's a long time ago.

I am typing this to you all after week 3.5 (doozy of a winter we're having) of 6 of round one of my chemotherapy treatments, in the rest area. When I am here, I miss Riley beyond measure, and feel SO guilty that he is home alone (I used to be out of the house for <2 hours maximum daily, if that much); I had to work with him reintroducing a pee pad and keeping him in his playpen (which I feel as though I'm limiting him), and not being able to go on our "real walks" - now they are just short walks morning and evening, as I am growing weaker physically. I just wanted to let you know, and I mean this with all sincerity, had it not been for every single one of your replies, I would be so much weaker emotionally, along the path I'd been going. You gave me a booster shot which was just what I needed.

I want to try to send personal messages of thanks to you all individually, but please know, I am so beyond grateful for your prayers, thoughts, advice, information, and love. I don't want to single anybody out, but the offers you have so graciously and generously made to foster little Riley, the stories of strength and resilience and positivity you have openly shared with me (I have read through them all), the option of starting a thread to see if anyone on here lives in my community (I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that; I have just learned to post correctly, thanks to you all), have touched my heart in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. Every message truly has meant so much, and you have all motivated me to research these options, and then ask myself (and you all, if that'd be ok) what is best for Riley, realistically, long-term. I hope to be able to pay it forward it any way I can, as soon as I can get Riley and I to a better place, God willing, soon. I am honestly still in awe from the content of every single one of your replies (for me? I didn't think anyone would respond to me, honestly), as I have and will always continue to do the same for others (even if it puts me in a more challenging situation, I have always done so at the drop of a hat - no explanations necessary), but at my age, I never thought anyone would do the same for me. I am humbled and grateful beyond measure. Thank you is not adequate enough to express how I feel for your outpouring of love and support. Truly.

I didn't know so many options could be available to us, and just thought of Riley's well-being longterm with me as a single Dad - whose body is failing him, and however much it eats me up inside, his best interests come first and foremost. Those being, I thought, to send him to his breeder, so a new family (tears rolling down now) could provide a home for him to live forever, in the best hands possible, something I still fear I will not be able to do for him.

With all of your messages embedded on my heart, I was able to muster up the courage to call her yesterday. I'm a very open person, so I'm not going to lie, I was crying and shaking with each ring of the phone. I left a brief message, as I didn't want to overwhelm her with my story. Typically, I would have left it at that out of fear, but because of you all sending strength and love my way (I felt it), I decided to call her home. She was traveling back from a show overseas for one of her pups, and her husband, who I was blessed to meet for a short while, when I came to pick up Riley, told me she'd call me back as soon as she could. She is taking care of a new litter, which is so exciting, so thinking totally selfishly, I now sit with much anticipatory anxiety. He had told me that she was actually in NY in mid-January, but I would have never been able to give Riley to her so hastily, as that is when I was first diagnosed and my tests were evaluated to reveal that I have Stage III cancer. I didn't know what lay ahead, and yes, although it would have helped me knowing she had my angel back in her arms directly with me there, I could never have done that. I have saved five years, and have been looking for the same amount of time, for a little guy to love and spend my retirement with - giving him everything I could - and couldn't give him up just like that. He is the love of my life, and just being away from him for my daily treatments, having to have him use a pee pad again, decreasing his socialization skills - we used to go on car rides to parks with other animals for walk and play time, and now having to shorten our morning, afternoon, and evening walks to AM and PM walks, which are shorter as well, has made me feel I have failed him as a parent. I sit here and know he is whimpering at home, miserable (before my diagnosis, I used to be leave home 1-2 hours maximum, or I took him with me in my "puppy attache"). Now that I cannot provide him with this human and animal contact as frequently, I again feel like a failure.

I'm so sorry if I repeated anything; the computer here crashed, and I tried to retype my original message from memory, without leaving anything out.

Again, I promise to keep you all posted, and cannot thank you all enough for being your wonderful selves. You have restored my faith in humanity (and a bit in myself: baby steps for me), and words fail me when I try to even verbally thank you all. Riley and I are eternally grateful, please know this. We will be in touch, my wonderful YorkieTalk family. Blessings to you all, and I am sending lots of thanks, laughter, love (and puppy kisses) to you all.